International Poet of Merit
Shakespeare Trophy of Excellence
1,042 Ways to Make America Great Again and Other Random Thoughts
1-535. Have every member of congress Democrat, Republican, Independent and extraterrestrial (I’m looking at you Marjorie Taylor Greene) resign immediately.
536. F*** the military industrial complex. (According to Tuli this is NOT a pacifist act. I apologize.)
537. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Iran.
538. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Guatemala.
539. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Chile.
540. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Syria.
541. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Cuba.
542. Stop trying to overthrow the government of the Dominican Republic.
543. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Libya.
544. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Honduras.
545. Stop trying to overthrow the government of Venezuela.
546. Stop trying…
547. Pardon Edward Snowden.
548. Pardon Steven Donziger.
549. Free Julian Assange.
550. The fact that after 58 years exactly, we still don’t know the truth about who killed our president John F. Kennedy.
551. Send Bush and Cheney to the Hague.
552. Take Condi “Aluminum Tube” Rice, Colin “Anthrax” Powell, and Donald “The Army We Have” Rumsfeld to the Hague and demand answers. Let them take all the time they need.
553. Fight the rich. Not their wars.
554. Never unite behind the lesser evil.
555. Free healthcare.
556. Free college.
557. Free trade schools.
558. Free cable tv.
559. Remember billionaires have plenty of ideas to fix America, but strangely none of them involve paying their fair share of taxes.
560. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.
561. Eat Elon Musk.
562. Eat Bill Gates.
563. Eat Jeff Bezos.
564. Eat the rich.
565. Tax the Cayman Islands.
566. Abolish the draft (again) by abolishing poverty.
567. Actually abolish poverty.
568. Feed the hungry.
569. Starve the rich.
570. Point of Order! We spent 5 Billion dollars on our last election? I just have two questions. First, What the Fuck? And second, isn’t there a less expensive way to find the absolute worst people in our country?
571. Abolish slavery (Again).
572. #corporatemediatoiletflush
573. Stop watching CNN.
574. Stop watching MSNBC.
575. Stop watching Fox.
576. Stop drilling for oil on sacred burial grounds.
577. No more democrats.
578. No more republicans.
579. Fly all flags at half mast until God forgives us.
580. A spoonful of sugar.
581. Early morning blow-jobs.
582. Early afternoon cunnilingus.
583. To call you a goddess is an understatement.
584. Paying a livable wage.
585. Every other Wednesday. Free pie.
586. Invent grass that cuts itself.
587. Scooby-Doo, where are you?
588. Dig up Uncle Walt and ask him to read to us.
589. Dig up Ginsberg so he can Howl for us.
590. Dig up Kerouac and ask him to drive us to the five and dime and never forgetting that it is a long way
to the top if you want to rock ‘n roll.
591. Learn to talk with your penis.
592. Learn to talk with your vagina.
593. Get thee to a nunnery.
594. Stop bombing Iraq.
595. Stop bombing Syria.
596. Stop bombing Somalia.
597. Stop bombing Afghanistan
598. Stop bombing Pakistan.
599. Stop bombing Libya.
600. Stop bombing Yemen.
601. Stop building bombs and use the extra money to buy Girl Scout cookies.
602. Donate bomb money to the Salvation Army.
603. Start asking the question: Are We Next?
604. At least once a day, stop and give thanks to the veterans of the 500 year war against colonialism, like Sitting Bull, Geronimo and Crazy Horse.
605. Educate the children on critical race theory and the films of Red Skelton.
606. Make Anderson, Indiana the new capital of America.
607. More LSD, less gunpowder.
608. Start each new day with a song.
609. Laugh more than 17 times a day.
610. Be multi-orgasmic.
611. Be a gentleman, not a prude.
612. Learn to play a musical instrument.
613. Mother earth is dying and calls for an ambulance and is put on hold.
614. Dig up Bukowski and ask him who he likes for the sixth race at Santa Anita.
615. Take the Pentagon budget, and go to Las Vegas and place it all on Red.
616. Take the Pentagon budget, and go to Atlantic City and place it all on Black.
617. Let’s Go Brandon!
618. If you hear the dogs, keep going. If you see torches in the woods, keep going. Don’t ever stop. Keep going. If you want a taste of freedom, keep going. —Harriet Tubman
619. Make George W. Bush write, “Good boys do not torture and start wars,” 100 times on the blackboard and if he misspells the word torture tell him he owes us another 100.
620. All she said was maybe some slave owning bastards from the 1700s who thought it was a great idea to own, rape, sell and torture other human beings and would be mystified at a microwave oven weren’t right about everything in perpetuity?
621. Rent from a landlord who's really into anal.
622. Eat Wal-Mart.
623. Build your own penis-shaped rocket and fly it to Baltimore.
624. Be kinder.
625. Be gentler.
626. Blow kisses at butterflies.
627. Raise a good man.
628. Raise a good woman.
629. Raise a good self.
630. Do all you can to avoid a zombie apocalypse.
631. Leap tall buildings in a single bound.
632. If Jesus did indeed take a whip to the exploiters in the temple, it had to be because that was the only language they understood.
633. Believe in justice.
634. Write a poem.
635. Read a poem.
636. Remember that acquiescence to injustice is moral, intellectual and spiritual death.
637. Televise the revolution.
638. Shine like the moon and the stars and the sun.
639. Realize that capitalism was born of theft and cruelty, including $15 Trillion of “free capital” created by enslaving generations upon generations of the African race.
640. Realize you’ve been lied to.
641. Have you tried voting?
642. Start a third political party.
643. Start a fourth political party.
644. Start a fifth political party.
645. Please, please, please know that you are not alone.
646. Obedience is not a virtue.
647. Remember that we are all being governed by a bunch of ruthless psychopaths who love war, and who try and turn us against each other by filling our heads with hate, fear and bigotry. And they do this every minute of every day and twice on Sunday.
648. Just say NO to global dominance.
649. Just say NO to military occupations.
650. Never write or read or listen to what they tell you.
651. Tell the senate Parliamentarian that they can go FUCK themselves.
652. The easiest book to read on planet Earth is a book called Ethical Capitalism because it has no pages.
653. Does anyone else find it odd that we have trillions of dollars for war, trillions of dollars to bailout the banks and Wall Street but we don’t have enough money to provide insulin for people whose very lives depend on it or money to feed our children when they are in school?
654. Create spice rubs to put on the rich to add flavor.
655. Stop letting them normalize and elevate people who embody the very essence of the imperial oppression machine. Stop letting them humanize psychopathic war whores. Stop letting them twist this into a conversation about respecting those with different political opinions and make it about what it is: the mass murder of innocents for power and profit. Refuse to be reprimanded into polite silence. Refuse to die of politeness. Seize control of the narrative and force sanity into our imperiled world. —Caitlin Johnstone
656. Start with believing better is possible.
657. Realize that capitalists are quickly and unashamedly destroying all life on our planet in their orgasms of greed.
658. The means of production aren’t going to seize themselves.
659. The rich don’t work hard. You do.
660. Drink 9 beers and tell them what you really think.
661. Realizing that your family is four missed meals away from Revolution.
662. Workers deserve it all! ...every fucking thing.
663. Can we please find something other than human blood to fuel our empire?
664. Did you know that France has assassinated 22 African presidents since 1963?
665. Vote Third Party.
666.
667. Don’t let the oligarchs feed on you or those you love.
668. Your enemies arrive by limousine.
669. Put an end to 9 year olds having to set up lemonade stands to cure their brain cancer.
670. “They fear that you won’t comply. They fear you realizing that you don’t need them. They fear you speaking up. They fear you realizing that you have the power. They fear you using that power. They fear you waking up others. But maybe most of all, they fear you living your life without fear.”
671. Organize. Educate. Agitate.
672. Tell censorship to go fuck itself.
673. This is a message I saw scribbled on a wall: Being healthy, natural, self-sufficient, spiritually connected and independently educated is one of the biggest forms of rebellion against the system that wants you weak, brainwashed, pilled up, obedient and unconscious.
674. Make sure you have a vigorous and thorough understanding of the care and maintenance of a guillotine.
675. The most basic form of mind control is repetition… repetition…repetition.
676. If you see Tiny Jessie and Sagittarius Black tell them I said hello.
677. After we burn the planet to the ground, maybe some rich folks can survive in outer space.
678. Stop glorifying your oppressors.
679. What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize? --Marcus Aurelius
680. The United States is experiencing ethical difficulties (and has been for 450 years). Please Stand By.
681. Has a billionaire told you lately that you are poor because you are lazy and that you just don’t work hard enough?
682. Realize that the interest of billionaires and your interests are NOT the same. Take as long as you need to think about this.
683. As my old friend from Philly once told me, “always make sure that there is a joint within reach.”
684. Never forget that capitalism runs on blood.
685. Start every prayer with the words, Thank You, and fucking mean it.
686. Soylent Green Is People!
687. Create a world where the people command and the government obeys.
688. Avoid their slaughterhouses.
689. Our obedience is only prolonging this nightmare.
690. Don’t panic. If you had tickets for yesterday's apocalypse, they will now be good for November 21st.
691. Pay Attention. For fuck’s sake, it’s the least you can do.
692. Make sure that you never lack female supervision.
693. Realize that you are being controlled by a smiley-faced serial killer who drops 500 pound bombs on women and children.
694. Never try to change the system from the inside. It NEVER fucking works.
695. Take your comedians seriously for they are the real truth-tellers.
696. Be able to learn, unlearn and relearn.
697. Realize that the media’s sole purpose is to lie to you and everyone you Love on behalf of the ruling class.
698. If you vote for the lesser of two evils, you are still left with evil after all the votes are counted.
699. If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth.
700. The Tramp may have been right all along. Love is enough to get everything done.
701. Always be willing to discuss how to dismantle systems of oppression.
702. Always remember that we outnumber the oligarchs 100,000 to 1.
703. A bi-sexual Superman.
704. Always remember that more than anything, Jesus wants justice.
705. Make Oligarch compost. It makes for some really juicy tomatoes. Perfect for stew.
706. Follow me for more recipes.
707. Epstein did NOT kill himself.
708. Try for War Crimes the man who dropped 100,000 bombs, including depleted uranium and white phosphorus, killing thousands of innocent women and children in eight different countries. The man is Barack Obama.
709. The longer you comply, the worse it’s going to get.
710. Democrats and Republicans. A plague on both their houses.
711. Is there a war on drugs or a war against the competition?
712. Realize that it’s NOT normal for 10 people to own the entire world and do something about it.
713. Make yourself a revolutionary. They will hate that.
714. Babe Ruth slept here.
715. Realize that being poor destroys you on a molecular level and demand your fair share.
716. The feeling you have when you realize that politicians give the War Machine $10 Trillion for bombs and another $10 Trillion to help their rich friends on Wall Street, but they have NOTHING for your child’s life saving medicine.
717. Will you free my Palestine?
718. The realization that while you slept, the rich spent the entire night thinking about how to fuck you over and fuck over everyone you LOVE. And before you have had your morning coffee, they have put their ideas into practice. Can you feel it? I can.
719. Make worker compensation and wages match worker productivity.
720. Your SOUL is telling you that something is terribly wrong with what they are doing to you. Right? Do you feel it? I’m feeling it.
721. Glory holes.
722. I’m trying to help you.
723. My street address.
724. Apes together strong.
725. The Panama Papers.
726. Don’t panic. Organize!
727. I fucking told you so.
728. Realizing that all BIG PHARMA had to do to make BILLIONS in profits is to let a few thousand children die and bribe a few hundred politicians.
729. Imagine yourself as David picking up a stone against Goliath.
730. Thousands line up for food banks as the Stock Market hits an all-time high.
731. Realizing that the only thing your government is generous with, is the amount of bombs it drops on the defenseless.
732. New Game Show: We hang the rich by their feet from the closest tree and beat them with sticks until their wealth is redistributed.
733. Corporations telling you that Unions will do nothing to help you, while spending millions to discourage you from joining their ranks. Get the picture?
734. For every dollar you make, the boss makes ten. Let that sink in.
735. The most important word in the language of the working class is solidarity. —Harry Bridges
736. Mr. Hill says, “Workers of the world awaken. Break your chains. Demand your rights.”
737. “Shall you kneel in deep submission from your cradle to your grave?”
738. “Is the height of your ambition to be a good and willing slave?”
739. I need you to be serious for a minute.
740. If you worked 50 hours a week at minimum wage, guess where you could afford to live in the United States of America? The answer is nowhere. How does that make you feel?
741. A middle class existence was stolen from you and they did it in broad daylight.
742. They lied to us about Iraq, WMDs, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Libya, Syria, Guatemala, Cuba, Iran, Honduras, Nicaragua, North Korea, Haiti and Panama. But sure, they’re telling us the truth about Ukraine.
743. Peace takes brains and a well armed proletariat.
744. Think of Jesus with a bull-whip, beating the ever-loving shit out of the temple’s most greedy little bastards. I bet it was joyous to see.
745. A picture of a frog walking up to a guillotine with a billionaire in chains and saying, “Hippity Hoppity. It’s time for Chippity Choppity.”
746. The most basic form of mind control is repetition…repitition…repitition.
747. 50 years of tax cuts for the rich never trickled down to us peasants. Are you surprised? They aren’t.
748. Understand that fascism is already here.
749. Our rulers laugh in our faces as we start a civil war instead of a revolution.
750. They want you demoralized, desperate and full of anxiety, hypnotized by television and numbed by drugs and alcohol. And if you dare get out of line, men armed to the teeth and at their command, will be at your door to set you straight.
751. You have more in common with Iraqi civilians than with American billionaires.
752. The US military spent $2 Trillion on a fighter jet that couldn’t fly, meanwhile 1 in 6 American children live in poverty.
753. If an Amazon worker takes 45 seconds to empty his piss bottle, Jeff Bezos feels a massive disturbance in The Force.
754. If you are a worker and wonder if the glass is half empty or half full, you can be sure that what’s actually in the glass is piss.
755. Remember that 2,995 Americans died on 9/11/2001 and that 1,497,223 innocent Iraqis died for something they didn’t do.
756. Why is no one talking about shutting down non-essential wars?
757. Go figure. Despite having 5,000 nuclear missiles, 323 battleships and submarines and 12,000 military aircraft the United States still suffers from penis envy.
758. A man who owns a yacht that fits inside another yacht tries his best to convince you that someone working in a bean field in 100 degree heat for $24 a day is stealing your job and is the reason that you can’t afford nice things or a better life.
759. There is so much to unlearn.
760. Are you going to believe your lying eyes?
761. In the last 40 years CEO pay has increased 1,000% while worker pay has increased 12%. No, I’m NOT kidding.
762. I am changing the things I cannot accept.
763. Are you tired of your only two choices being RED warmongering corporatist or BLUE warmongering corporatist?
764. Wondering why it’s OK for a talk show host to dance with a War Criminal who killed a million innocent women and children? It WAS quite a performance. Everyone in the audience who recently had a lobotomy cheered.
765. After being elected the politician slaps you across the face and tells you he’s altering the deal he made for your vote. He thinks that you’ll take nothing and like it. Will you?
766. Your world isn’t getting darker and more unsettling. The veil protecting you from “reality” is lifting.
767. Are we the shithole country?
768. Workers rejoice when their boss rides a rocket into space so they can finally go to the bathroom.
769. Declare a mistrial and give the whole country a Big Giant Do-over.
770. Consult Magic 8 Ball: Ask if the USA will ever truly respect its workers? Turn the Ball Over. Answer: Outlook is Bah-LEAK!
771. Find a place where free thinking isn’t strictly forbidden and stay there.
772. Avoid divide & conquer mechanisms.
773. Find the true enemy and fight him.
774. Being content that evil, greedy, soulless oligarchs are dropping bombs on helpless people is no way to go through life, son.
775. Everything told you by the Ruling Predator Class is a LIE.
776. Realizing that when you have 6 year olds selling lemonade on the street corner to help pay for their mom’s breast cancer surgery that you are indeed living in a FAILED state.
777. Realizing that when your government sends journalists to prison for reporting on government criminal activity that you are being ruled by criminals.
778. Tuition-free public universities and colleges were free up until the Vietnam War.
779. Teach Peace.
780. Dolly Parton for President.
781. Choices. The world’s 3 richest men on planet earth believe spending 10 minutes in space is more important than ending homelessness.
782. Realizing that when the elites tell you to use proper channels when you want to change things, that they own all the channels. Every fucking single one.
783. Remember to keep your lizard overlords happy.
784. Always leave a big tip at all Marxist pizzerias.
785. Democrats and Republicans are the enemies of peace and the enemies of the working class.
786. Train horses and cows to Unionize.
787. Vote blue no matter who, Fuck You.
788. Realizing that when you get a one dollar an hour raise it is not a Blessing from The Lord!
789. If you cut open a tomato and inside the tomato you see the face of Satan, just pour Holy Water over it. You’ll be fine.
790. Remember that one of the Ten Commandments of War Propaganda is when they tell you, “We do not want war.”
791. How do you feel when during a deadly pandemic that killed nearly a million people, your rulers crunched the numbers and decided that keeping you alive was a poor return on their investment.
792. Realizing that when a Great Dane sniffs another Great Dane’s asshole, that the dog gets more truth than if a human watches ten years of Rachel Maddow, Chris Cuomo or Sean Hannity.
793. Did you ever notice that a CEO can make 3,000 times more than their average employee, yet no one ever blames the high cost of food on the CEO’s obscene salary? They instead blame the workers who make 9 bucks an hour.
794. When you realize that, to a capitalist, trees have no value until they are destroyed.
795. When billionaires wonder who is responsible for children going hungry, hand them a mirror.
796. The richest man on earth makes more than $2,000 every single second.
797. Imagine if climate change is a Giant Hoax and we end up creating a Better World for Nothing?
798. Realizing that the USA has around 900 military bases in 70 countries.
799. Since the year 2000 the USA has spent more than $30 million an hour on war. Not on educating our children and grandchildren, Not on building roads and bridges, Not on healthcare.
800. The mainstream media spent as much time in one day reporting on Jeff Bezos’ four minute space flight, than they did reporting on the climate crisis in the entire year of 2020.
801. When it comes to the War on Drugs, I am on the side of drugs.
802. Remember that very few things in our world have a longer memory than nature.
803. A Vietnamese rice farmer rolls his eyes and laughs while our military industrial complex builds a $2 Trillion fighter plane that won’t fly.
804. I only leave my friends behind if they don’t dance and if they don’t dance, well they’re no friends of mine.
805. Has anyone ever actually seen a real life unicorn, or a half-man half-ape looking creature roaming a forest, an angel who calls himself Fredo, or a CEO who works 365 times harder than their average employee?
806. Who was it who said, “Working people do not really enjoy democratic freedoms. They are exploited all their life and have to bear heavy burdens in the service of the ruling class?” Was it Ho Chi Minh or Ronald Reagan?
807. Don’t eat the food prepared in the Wall Street kitchen.
808. Debs was right. Don’t be a deserter of your class and your own worst enemy.
809. The lessons learned from Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan have been ignored.
810. It’s a big club and you ain’t in it. Translation. They don’t give a Fuck about you. Never did. Never will.
811. Mr. Zinn was correct. Civil obedience IS the problem.
812. Nothing to see here. The president’s son sells a painting to an anonymous man for $800,000.
813. Remember Gary Webb.
814. How did billionaires become billionaires? By the merciless, cold-blooded and vicious exploitation of the working class.
815. Native Americans lived and thrived in this country for thousands of years. It took 300 years for us to burn it to the ground.
816. This is the opposite of progress. CEO-to-worker pay ratio in 1960: 20-1. CEO-to-worker pay ratio in 1990: 65-1. CEO-to-worker pay ratio in 2020: 350-1.
817. Realizing that when the elites rig the system so people need to work so many hours till their bodies and minds are destroyed, that they have committed an act of violence on you.
818. Realizing that both the red and blue candidates have the exact same policy on China, Russia, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Palestine, for-profit healthcare, selling weapons to Saudi Arabia, Wall Street criminals, Venezuela, the military industrial complex and militarizing the police.
819. Einstein, in one of his brighter moments, came to the realization that capitalism was the real source of evil in this world.
820. Remember, the fate of the billionaire lies in our hands.
821. Send Seal Team 6 to collect unpaid taxes from the rich.
822. Strip naked and beg almighty God for forgiveness for staging military coups in Latin American countries that resulted in the deaths of more than a million human beings including women and children, with special attention to Guatemala, Haiti (twice), Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Panama, the Dominican Republic, Venezuela, Bolivia (twice), Chile, Brazil and Argentina.
823. When you “steal baby formula” it is not theft. It’s feeding a baby.
824. You have the power to bring them to their knees.
825. Wild card, bitches!
826. In several schools in America there are no desks or books for some students, no running water to wash your hands or flush the toilets while a pandemic rages all around us. Oh, and no school nurse. Add shitty pay to the mix, and we see just how much we appreciate our teachers. Oh, and those school supplies that you need for today’s lesson, those come out of your own pocket. Have a wonderful day. Oh, there will be an active shooter drill in 45 minutes. Be sure to remember to lock those doors.
827. Instead of raising your wages they decide that working you to death is preferable.
828. Realizing that the taxes they take from your paychecks are being used to murder children all over the world and that sometimes the children don’t die right away. They may receive third degree burns over 80% of their bodies, or have their legs and arms blown off, and it may take them days or even weeks to die. And when those children do finally die, they die SCREAMING. Can you hear them? I can.
829. The rich are only rich because of your HARD work.
830. Capitalism is when the health insurance “providers” say you don’t really need the medicine your doctor says that you really need.
831. Your silence does not make you safer.
832. If the minimum wage had increased at the rate of productivity since 1960, it would be $23 an hour instead of $7.25. I’m not a math surgeon, but I figure in a 40 year career it means that politicians and the elite have stolen more than $1.2 Million right out of your pocket. Can you hear them laughing at you? By the way, they stole that money from everyone you love too.
833. The paradise of the rich is made out of the hell of the poor. --Victor Hugo
834. They’re too busy to care about you. They’ve got bombs to drop and your children to enslave.
835. Make your philosophy, kindness. Simple kindness.
836. The most basic form of mind control is repetition…repetition…repetition.
837. Imagine if the three richest men on the planet decided to feed hungry children instead of building penis-shaped rockets to go into outer space.
838. Don’t let the government spend your insulin money to fund the military industrial complex.
839. Hunter Biden sells another “painting” for $500,000. How much is it without the frame?
840. The elites are starting to fear us. It is a good thing.
841. Country ham, 2 eggs over medium, hash browns with tomato and onion, jalapeno peppers on the side, coffee with cream, large tomato juice.
842. Texas freezes over and their governor says that Texans would rather freeze to death than have the government run their ‘lectricity.
843. A billionaire offered a $100 Million prize for whoever invents the best carbon capture technology. God waits impatiently for a check for her invention of forests.
844. Some folks think that Green Energy is fragile? Solar Panels have been in Outer Fucking Space for 20 years where the temperature is just north of 500 degrees below zero. Do we have frozen men and women on the International Space Station and no one told me?
845. Politicians are not now, nor have they ever been your friend.
846. You are legally allowed to get high in any bathroom that requires a key to enter.
847. No brunch until socialism.
848. Colin Kaepernick was right.
849. The most basic form of mind control is repetition…repitition…repitition.
850. How does a General Strike sound?
851. Please wait patiently for the failure of the system.
852. Which do you fear more? Being attacked by a terrorist or the insurance man turning you down for a life saving operation?
853. Selling points of military recruiters: guaranteed housing, free education, a job guarantee and free healthcare. Now if we can only find a way to provide these things for the people without the guns and bombs and stuff.
854. Become ungovernable.
855. Been waiting a fuck long time for Joe Biden to make America socialist like the republicans said he would. Still waiting. Still waiting. Fucking liars.
856. Rising poverty and homelessness. Politicians don’t care. Income inequality. Politicians don’t care. No healthcare, families go bankrupt. Politicians don’t care. The planet burns. Politicians don’t care. Corporate “donations.” Politicians. Now you’re talking!
857. Germany is ashamed of the Swastika. Americans are not ashamed of the confederacy.
858. It is a terrifying thing when you realize that millions of families are one flat tire, one broken bone, or one missed paycheck away from economic catastrophe and homelessness.
859. It’s probably a good idea to always remember that some of the secrets of the ultra successful include extracting the surplus value of your labor, buying politicians, controlling the media and sicking the police on you and your family if you complain.
860. Ten years later the water in Flint, Michigan is still full of poison. Three presidents did NOTHING to Help. Absolutely Nothing.
861. She bought a stripper pole with her stimulus check. God, I love that woman.
862. No more meth at this location.
863. A 78 year old man with dementia manages to fall up the stairs to Air Force One.
864. The president fires staffers because they smoked a joint in college while his son takes another hit off his panther-shaped crack pipe.
865. Why do billionaires worry so much about losing all their money? Won’t they just earn it all back again with their God-like work ethic? Won’t it just eventually all trickle right back down to them like they swore it would for us?
866. Self-made billionaires don’t exist and I’m tired of pretending that they do.
867. The richest 1% will exploit you into extinction.
868. Burn, Baby Burn.
869. The abyss isn’t staring at you, it’s staring at the hot chick in the tank top.
870. Do you reject Satan and all his evils?
871. Lick the back of it like a stamp.
872. If funding wars were strip clubs, congress would never stop “making it rain.”
873. Joe Biden gives Kurt Cobain’s hair a good long sniff to see if it does indeed smell like teen spirit.
874. The police in Florida just arrested a 90 year old man. The charge. He was feeding the hungry.
875. How long will this peyote last? No really? How long?
876. Are we finally ready to take the whip from the billionaires?
877. When your life and everything you stand for, believe in, love and worship goes against community standards.
878. The law requires that I answer No to that question.
879. Time for porn.
880. Doing myself a favor.
881. Your government is doing all this on purpose.
882. “The rich want a society based on punishment because a society based on compassion would render them obsolete.”
883. Never underestimate the power of planting seeds. Especially anti-propaganda seeds.
884. 17 days of sunshine contain the same amount of energy as exist in all the planet’s reserves of oil, coal and natural gas.
885. Socialism will NOT take your hard-earned money. That belongs to your boss.
886. “Socialism doesn’t mean taking wealth from those who work hard and giving it to those who don’t. You’re thinking of capitalism.”
887. If your water tastes like dirt, just add lemon.
888. More porn.
889. The ocean is on fire again.
890. A family watches a loved one in serious agony, but instead of immediately calling an ambulance to try and get them to a hospital, they ask permission to make the call because ambulances are expensive.
891. You need coolin’, baby I’m not foolin’.
892. Dear young folks, sorry for destroying your home.
893. The real horror movie is your own fucking government. If you don’t believe me ask the people we are dropping bombs on right fucking now.
894. In between changing his panty hose, J. Edgar Hoover believed Martin Luther King to be a communist. Hoover was so racist he wouldn’t even wear a black bra.
895. Years of Academy training wasted!
896. Remember that many of the most powerful people in this world live in constant fear of a day of reckoning. That fear is real and it’s because they know that their great power and wealth was built on the sorrow and suffering of many millions of people. They are afraid that we will realize that their power is nothing but an illusion. They fear their day of reckoning is coming soon. And it is.
897. On May 1, 1886, 300,000 workers in 15,000 businesses across the USA walked off their jobs, demanding an 8 hour work day. They got it.
898. Are you strong enough to withstand the storm?
899. Fuck You. Fuck Me. Fuck Washington, D.C.
900. A human being remains conscious for 20 seconds after being decapitated.
901. Miles read my stuff and called me a real motherfucker and I hope he meant it.
902. Now would be a good time to take the day off work and brush up on your apocalypse skills.
903. I dream of dancing on the ashes of the ruling class.
904. If they tell you to trust the science, but they won’t show you their data for 75 years, then that is “science” that is not worthy of your trust.
905. Billionaires in penis-shaped spaceships fly in outer space. Oooopppsss. My finger accidentally hits the fire missile switch. Sorry, not sorry.
906. It must be tough to be a billionaire. I mean, have you ever tried living on $25,000 a day?
907. When you’re stirring up some shit, is it best to stir clockwise or counter-clockwise? My advice. Use a blender.
908. The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself. —Augustine
909. The beginning is near. Prepare yourself.
910. Politicians follow the people who allow them to be their worst selves.
911. In the eight years he was president, 95% of all the wealth that was generated in the entire country, went straight into the pockets of the Wealthiest 1%. That’s FAILURE, no matter which way you look at it. Thanks, Obama.
912. A young man carries an AR-15 rifle to a protest chanting, “I will not live in fear.” What he’s afraid of: short women, tall women, Jewish people, science, brown people, gay marriage, black people, books, windmill cancer, unions, peaceful protests, unicorns, the vulnerable, etc.
913. Mar-a-Lago will be bulldozed to make room for a giant statue of Colin Kaepernick.
914. To make 1 pound of honey 1,000 bumble bees have to travel more than 100,000 miles and kiss 4 million flowers. They do all this for free. They only ask that we not poison them. Seems like a fair trade to me.
915. Has a cat ever graduated from obedience school?
916. The United States gives Israel $11 million a day. Israel has free healthcare and college. The U.S. has neither because the politicians tell us we can’t afford it.
917. Health Insurance CEO’s, who make $25 Million in salary and bonuses, try to explain to you why YOU can’t afford to be alive.
918. If you barbeque a unicorn with fresh pineapple and a dash of honey it is really fucking delicious.
919. Why don’t we ever see faith healers at hospitals?
920. If your employees make more on unemployment you’re not a job creator, you’re a wage stealer.
921. Wildfires, earthquakes, hurricanes and floods. That’s just nature’s way of claiming justice for our crimes against it.
922. How does a three-legged chicken taste? I don’t know, I’ve never been able to catch one. Thanks, Buddy.
923. Instead of finding out my fucking carbon footprint, how about I just promise not to throw trash out my car window and never spill 6 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.
924. There is no Planet B.
925. Your refusal to ignore the corporate media makes all war possible.
926. We built this city not on rock and roll, but on genocide, slavery and witch burning Puritan psychopaths. Rock and roll would have been better, I think.
927. Cotton is responsible for more than 20% of all pesticide use. The hemp plant can do everything cotton can do, and can grow without pesticides using its natural defenses against harmful plants and nasty bugs. Plus, if you know what you’re doing you can smoke it and get High as F***.
928. Has a bee ever mistaken you for a flower?
929. Just a quick reminder that Native Americans settled the “New World” more than 23,487 years before Columbus was born.
930. Fomenting discord since 1976.
931. Top Ten Pharma CEO pay comes out to $30 Million a year plus stock options. Meanwhile 30% of diabetics in the United States have to ration their insulin to stay alive.
932. Never ever punch down. God hates it when you do that.
933. I want The Avengers to be real and kick the ever-loving shit out of tax dodging billionaires.
934. They didn’t steal slaves. They stole poets, doctors, teachers, scientists, farmers, fishermen, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters and then made them slaves.
935. Still riding that train high on cocaine.
936. Believe we are going to win. Believe a better world is possible and make it happen. Today. This minute. Don’t take no for an answer.
937. They are all guilty as Fuck.
938. A big high five and fist bump to the slaves that took machetes and hacked their slave masters to tiny bits. Well done.
939. If the Democrats hate Trump so much then why are they doing the exact same things that got him elected in the first place?
940. I was sexually molested by a police officer in 1996.
941. Listen Up and be on the lookout. We are sleepwalking into fascism.
942. A black man in a jail in Milwaukee wasn’t given water for seven days. He died. A white man in jail was moved to a better jail in Virginia because he wanted to be served organic food. This is why Kaepernick took a knee you bastards.
943. George Washington’s wooden teeth weren’t wooden at all. He simply had a set of dentures made by pulling out the teeth of his slaves until he found the teeth he liked best. The Father of Our Country, ladies and gentlemen!
944. Gardening is a revolutionary act.
945. #Forcethevote
946. If your voice held no power they wouldn’t try to silence you.
947. Every step, every breath we take must be to destroy the machines that control us.
948. How many billionaires do we have to eat, do you think, before they realize we are serious? One, two, ten?
949. At the Bear River Massacre during the Civil War, American soldiers murdered 442 Shoshone men, women and children. This is NOT taught in any classroom.
950. Live music is better. Bumper stickers should be issued.
951. Your empire has no conscience.
952. When they told you that if you work hard the company will share its prosperity with you, did you believe them? Stupid fucker.
953. Now is indeed the time of monsters.
954. If there is even one child living on the street with an empty belly, we have no room for an $800 Billion military budget.
955. Do you not understand how feudalism works?
956. Man, that Orwell guy really called it, didn’t he?
957. “Bomb without an air force and you’re a horrible, evil terrorist. Bomb with an air force and you won’t even make the news.” --Caitlin Johnstone
958. Long story short, I’m not allowed to sunbathe on my roof anymore.
959. The last lynching of a black man in the United States was in 1985.
960. Thoughts and prayers.
961. Know your fallacies.
962. Resistance is NOT futile.
963. Live long and prosper.
964. Hell NO we won’t go.
965. Power to the People.
966. I can’t breathe.
967. You know, the thing.
968. New York governor wins Emmy for letting 15,000 grandmas and grandpas die of Covid in nursing homes. Maybe he thought that those refrigerated trucks wouldn’t fill themselves?
969. It takes a lot of propaganda to make us this stupid.
970. When Jeffrey Epstein “killed himself” I wonder if Bill Gates was sorry that he lost his rock, his soft shoulder to cry on, his buddy who he could confess his troubles to?
971. In the pyramid of the capitalist system where do you see yourself?
972. Hello. Is it me you're looking for?
973. Will St. Peter let you in if your password and username don’t match?
974. I finally found Jesus. He was hiding behind the curtains.
975. Question. Disobey. Dismantle.
976. If I get nervous can I imagine you in your underwear?
977. For legal purposes, this is a joke.
978. Loading a $100,000 bomb on a $1 Trillion aircraft to kill humans in Somalia who earn $3 a day. Make it make sense.
979. The Queen of England can move in any direction.
980. The most basic form of mind control is repetition. The most basic form of mind control is repetition. The most basic form of mind control is repetition.
981. Hi. My name is Kirsten Sinema. I make 15 thousand dollars a month. I just gave a big thumbs down on giving you a livable wage. My phone number is 202-224-4521.
982. Why do I find it easy to believe that Billionaires sit around all day thinking of ways to steal even more from me and everyone that I love?
983. “Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime.” --Aristotle
984. America is stolen land that was built by people who were stolen from their land.
985. America has been at war 223 out of the 240 years since 1776. Maybe we just like to kill things. I don’t think God is amused.
986. If attacked, fake orgasm. (Alligator mating season only)
987. Bush dropped 75,000 bombs on 5 countries. Obama dropped more than 100,000 bombs on 8 countries. Trump dropped 50,000 bombs in his first year as president. That’s around 120 a day. So around every 10 minutes we are killing innocent women and children in your name. But who's counting?
988. On a quiet day I can hear the revolution breathing.
989. Refuse to buy what they are selling.
990. Maybe after we burn this planet to the ground a chosen few can survive in outer fucking space.
991. If billionaires lose all their money in the stock market, it will only take them 138,014,223 hours to make their first billion back if they work at minimum wage.
992. Their power over you is an illusion.
993. I don’t want a president that wears a $7,000 Rolex. I want a president who wears mittens given to him by a school teacher.
994. Can’t someone else just do it? No, it has to be YOU.
995. What America leads the world in: gun violence, billionaires, Covid deaths, prescription drug prices, people in prison, military spending, student debt, medical bankruptcies, and deaths from lack of health insurance. Other than that, we’re fine. Everything’s great.
996. “There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.” --Aristotle
997. There is love to be found in this world.
998. Baby Yoda show!
999. Think! It’s not illegal yet. It’s just strongly frowned upon.
1000. Did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, that you are indeed a lazy piece of shit, and that Jeff Bezos just works 140 billion times harder than your lazy dead-beat ass?
1001. Drop seeds, Not bombs.
1002. Remember, the people who have awakened are NOT your enemy.
1003. Billionaires build rockets to outer space because they know that guillotines need gravity to work at maximum efficiency.
1004. Avoid the new world order and sharks.
1005. Remember that we cannot know the future but what we do know is that it will be determined by how hard we fight right now for a loving world.
1006. Can we all just agree that Leaf Bowlhog, Dabney Passinhash and Spliffany Hotbox are funny names?
1007. Like the beautiful lady said, after you stand up for yourself, stand up for someone else.
1008. It’s a good thing that congress didn’t raise the minimum wage or food at the grocery store would be so expensive right now.
1009. Always remember that our so-called enemies didn’t poison the water in Flint, Michigan, and that our so-called enemies aren’t the ones who are denying us healthcare, and remember that our so-called enemies didn’t put citizens under mountains of debt just to educate themselves and our so-called enemies didn’t send our jobs overseas. Democrats and Republicans did this.
1010. I am convinced that the people who are running this country are a bunch of sadistic soulless ghouls.
1011. You’re team isn’t winning if we are ALL fucking losing.
1012. Are we really the monsters of the apocalypse? I think we are. I mean compared to us, how bad could the dinosaurs have been?
1013. Four Americans die every hour because they do not have health insurance.
1014. In Europe workers will take two months in the summer off to work on their tan. In America a worker has to use his last four paid vacation days to make time for chemotherapy.
1015. America spent $500 million on tanks the military didn’t need because lobbyists for the military industrial complex bribed congress so they said okay.
1016. Remember, all we have to do is stand up and tell them to Fuck Off and their little game is over.
1017. We’ve had more children killed in school while hiding under their desks than active-duty military personnel have died in the last seven years.
1018. In the last 23 years worker productivity is up 65%. Worker pay growth is up 17% while CEO pay growth is up almost 1,500%. Shouldn’t rising tides raise every boat in the harbor and not just the yachts?
1019. Keep calm and blame Russian Bots.
1020. The government isn’t censoring us because they’re afraid we’re learning false things. They are censoring us because they’re afraid we’re learning the truth.
1021. The Pentagon has reported that they cannot account for $20 Trillion in spending in the last 20 years. Meanwhile, they tell us that we cannot afford to feed the poor, house the homeless, clean our water, educate our children or give people healthcare. As a wise man once said, “It seems like we only have money for killing.” Isn’t it time to change that?
1022. Remember you give your literal blood, sweat and tears, and sometimes your very life at your job. In return your boss pays you as little as they can get away with. Let that sink in.
1023. 3% of U.S. military spending could end starvation on earth.
1024. If we believe in their definition of Freedom then we shall Never Be Free.
1025. A fearful person is an obedient person. Do not be afraid.
1026. When a billionaire dies, who inherits their congressmen?
1027. As the wise man said, to find inner peace and complete spiritual awakening you should lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die.
1028. Be careful of isms. They determine who gets paid and who starves to death.
1029. Remember you are neither cockered, nor fen sucked, nor dizzy-eyed, and you are most certainly not a giglet or rump-fed. Unless you want to be and in that case you have come to the right place.
1030. I was told that there would be No Math.
1031. Find a drug that’s against Wars. And take it. Often.
1032. A friendly reminder that “we” are not the ones dropping bombs on innocent women and children, and “we” don’t overthrow d
emocratically elected governments all over the world. Our government uses our tax dollars to bomb, destroy and kill instead of giving us healthcare and educating our children. As a great lady told me, “Maybe it would be a good idea if we stopped identifying with authoritarian sociopaths.”
1033. We met at a very strange time in our lives.
1034. And please don’t forget that in the last 50 years it has been YOU and everyone you LOVE who have been the LOSER of every election won by the Republican and Democratic parties.
1035. We all smile in the same language. Remember this when they try to divide us.
1036. “Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy.” -Luke 10:19
1037. Thanks for coming out tonight. I hope you have enjoyed the show so far. This next song is an acoustic serenade if you will. It’s a brand new song, and this is the first time I have played it in front of an audience and I just about know it. It’s called If We Don’t All Unite Against the Oligarchs They Will Soon Fuck Us To Death. I hope you enjoy it.
1038. Their biggest fear is that we all start loving each other. Think about this for a minute.
1039. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.
1040. All we are saying is give peace a chance.
1041. Imagine all the people, living life in peace.
1042. For Tuli. God, you are missed. Thank you for everything that you did for me. Rest in POWER. Amen.
*revisions made after every single Guinness, martini, wine or joint. (or mushrooms, etc.)
