When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart (This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran)

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two

wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to

cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants

off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my

heart." –Jay Leno

"Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years.

The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before

they can retire is now 78.3 years." –Jay Leno

"Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie

Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You Don't Hate Mondays (aged whiskey)

President Trump tweeted this morning that NFL stadiums are having a very hard time filling up due to recent national anthem protests. "Yes, that's why," said the Cleveland Browns. –Seth Meyers

A start-up in San Francisco has developed a way to make an aged whiskey in just 24 hours. They just put the whiskey in a bottle and put the bottle in front of CNN. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off (Just pretend it's another unnecessary war)

"And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about the proposed healthcare bill because they believe the bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart." –Jay Leno

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This is a witch — oh, wait a minute, OK. (Task failed successfully)

In Virginia this weekend, Donald Trump walked on stage to a recording of the national anthem by the “J6 prison choir” of incarcerated insurrectionists. Man, these Trump rallies are fucking weird. They’re like half mega-church and half Comic-Con but with way worse merch. —Seth Meyers

“That’s right, the Supreme Court ruled that states cannot keep Trump off their ballots, which means that the Supreme Court remains the only place where Trump can win the popular vote.” — Seth Meyers

“Speaking of former President Trump, today the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that Colorado is not allowed to remove him from the 2024 ballot. Then out of habit, Trump immediately appealed the decision. He’s like, ‘This is a witch — oh, wait a minute, OK.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world (your flamingo has been in an accident)

That's right. President Trump's childhood home in Queens is currently up for sale. And according to "The Wall Street Journal," one of the bedrooms features a sign pointing to the spot where he was likely conceived. It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world. --Seth Meyers

59 new emojis will be available this fall, including a wheelchair and a flamingo, which is perfect if you need to tell someone your flamingo has been in an accident. --Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over (traditional-married for the fifth time)

"Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama's support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time." –Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders today said there isn’t anything to clarify about Trump’s position on NFL players kneeling during the national anthem, because the issue is, quote, “pretty black and white.” And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over. –Seth Meyers

Fast-food chain Arby’s is serving a limited-edition Cookie Butter Milkshake. And any customers who order it will also be limited-edition. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Also suspended — the kid who got an A (Oh yeah, I’m really into racing)

After Pope Francis became the first pontiff to address a joint session of Congress today, he went to meet with a group of homeless people. That’s right, he spoke to some people who spend all their time begging for money, and then he met with the homeless. –Seth Meyers

After condemning NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem this weekend, President Trump today tweeted his support for NASCAR. Said Trump, “Oh yeah, I’m really into racing, I guess you could say I’m quite a racist.” –Seth Meyers

A teacher in South Carolina has been suspended after she gave her 5th grade class a homework assignment asking them to justify the KKK’s treatment of African-Americans. Also suspended — the kid who got an A. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Silent protests have no place anywhere outside my marriage (I just hope the president of China likes leftover Pope food)

The president of China is going to be at the White House. I just hope the president of China likes leftover Pope food. –Conan O’Brien

The Pope is at the White House today, the band played the Vatican's national anthem. The Vatican has a national anthem, isn't that crazy? Apparently it's Katy Perry's "Roar." –Conan O’Brien

Now it is President Trump vs. the NFL. He took on the entire National Football League this weekend with his tweets. President Trump is angry at NFL players for their silent protests during the national anthem. Trump said, “Silent protests have no place anywhere outside my marriage.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Had he just been making light bulbs instead of movies he wouldn’t be in prison now (I just put my hand over my heart)

"General Electric announced it made a profit of $14 billion last year and paid zero in U.S. taxes. How does this make Wesley Snipes feel? Had he just been making light bulbs instead of movies he wouldn’t be in prison now." –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself.’ That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is usually the part where the waiter says, "Do you need a few more minutes?" (Even sadder, he already had a son named Trevor)

In an interview on “Fox & Friends,” President Trump said that NFL players who kneel for the anthem “shouldn’t be playing.” “Um, actually no one should be,” said doctors. --Seth Meyers

An Australian man is making headlines after he started treating an abandoned shopping cart as his son, naming it Trevor and giving it a pair of sneakers. Even sadder, he already had a son named Trevor. –Seth Meyers

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today called President Trump's behavior villainous and said that he is "crying out for impeachment." And then she said the Democrats are not on the road to impeachment, then she said the President's family should hold an intervention for him. Well, which is it, Nancy? This is usually the part where the waiter says, "Do you need a few more minutes?" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too. (Biden was its architect)

The Alabama Crimson Tide rallied from, I think, 13 points to beat Georgia in overtime to win their fifth national title in nine years. The kid who threw the winning touchdown pass is the backup quarterback. His name is Tua Tagovailoa, I believe. What a game he had. The state of Alabama hasn't seen a freshman scramble like that since Roy Moore visited a local high school. --Jimmy Kimmel

The College Football National Championship game was last night. And President Donald Trump made an appearance. Now, after months of criticizing football players for taking knees, the president finally got the chance to stand for the national anthem. But some people noticed that Trump may not know all the words. But there might be a good explanation for it. You know how the president keeps telling us he's a genius? Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Dennis Rodman took six former NBA players to North Korea to play against a local team in celebration of Kim Jong Un's 31st birthday. I guess after years of playing alongside Michael Jordan, Rodman is very comfortable with totalitarian dictators. Dennis Rodman is like the uncle that Kim Jong Un never had killed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think that legally makes you a porn star (I almost forgot to put my hand over my face)

And yet, not the most embarrassing thing to happen at the Easter Egg Roll. That honor goes to the official White House Snapchat account, which sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around “Secretary of ‘Educatuon’ Betsy DeVos.” It’s like Betsy DeVos always says, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘education’ . . . the way I spell it.” –Stephen Colbert

“Uh, I don’t think anyone wants a check that Trump signed. I think that legally makes you a porn star.” — Stephen Colbert

This is Trump’s first Easter Egg Roll. The president and the first lady kicked things off with the National Anthem, and notice what she has to do in the middle of it [clip of Melania nudging Trump]. Put your hand up! Do it, you’re the president! He forgot to put his hand over his heart, it happens to everybody. I mean, when I saw that footage, I almost forgot to put my hand over my face. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And much like his wheel, it's a pretty safe bet that he's single (Choke him out, Jeeves)

January 2023

“In his forthcoming book, Prince Harry claims that Prince William once knocked him to the floor during an argument about Meghan. Apparently the fight happened at the Buckingham Waffle Palace. It's fun when royals fight 'cause they keep their pinkies out. Harry was shocked because usually when they fight, they just stand back and tell their butlers what to do. ‘Now, perhaps a knee to the groin.’ ‘Choke him out, Jeeves.’”  —Jimmy Fallon

“Some movie news -- today, M3GAN, the new horror movie about a killer robot doll, hit theaters. That's right -- a horror movie called M3GAN. Prince William was like, ‘Seen it.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Switching gears, a big consumer electronics show just kicked off in Las Vegas, and there are so many new products on display, including a self-driving stroller that's powered by artificial intelligence. The only question is, will it be a billion-dollar lawsuit or a trillion-dollar lawsuit? Yeah, the commercial says, ‘Order one now before we all get arrested.’ But don't worry. It comes with an override button in case your baby needs to take control of the stroller.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Another interesting product being unveiled is the high-tech, snore-silencing pillow. Although that's any pillow if you hold it against someone's face long enough, you know what I'm saying?” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, a 19-year-old just travelled nearly 2,000 miles from Maine to Florida on a unicycle. And much like his wheel, it's a pretty safe bet that he's single.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In Washington, that's known as a 'bribecycle.' (Which one of us are you talking to?)

 

"While he was in Saudi Arabia this week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations, like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah." --Jay Leno

"Patrick Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it's called Jagermeister." --Jay Leno

"Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was videotaped accepting a $100,000 bribe. He said he will not resign even though the FBI agents found 90,000 of it in his freezer. In Washington, that's known as a 'bribecycle.'" --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

New Yorkers are gonna be so excited to finally try marijuana (I get excited about scoreless ties)

November 2022

“This season on top of the regular seasonal cold, I am suffering from World Cup fever, symptoms include I’m a little ache-y and I get excited about scoreless ties.” —Stephen Colbert

“The host nation to the World Cup is Qatar, a desert country with an oppressive regime and a terrible human rights record where homosexuality is illegal, in other words it’s like if Ron Desantis had oil.” —Stephen Colbert

“To protest this, seven countries saw their captains trying to wear rainbow armbands that said one love. In response, Fifa said it would give a yellow card to anyone doing this as well as ordering Belgium to remove the word love from their shirts. They’re banning love and rainbows. Basically Fifa is the bad guy in a Care Bears movie.” —Stephen Colbert

“This week also saw the Iranian team stay silent during the national anthem to protest the country’s violent and misogynist regime. It was incredibly brave or they forgot the words.” —Stephen Colbert

“The first licences for recreational marijuana have also finally been produced in New York. New Yorkers are gonna be so excited to finally try marijuana.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bush said that his comments last week were based on 'intelligencia malo.' (What do you mean Jim's dead?)

"Despite President Bush saying last week that the national anthem should only be sung in English, it was revealed several times during his 2000 presidential campaign, the song was performed in Spanish. Bush said that his comments last week were based on 'intelligencia malo.'" --Amy Poehler

"Poland's prime minister, Donald Tusk, visited President Bush in Washington this week to discuss modernizing the Polish military. Specifically, replacing all the screen doors on Polish submarines." --Amy Poehler

"According to a national response plan, the U.S. government forecasts massive disruption if bird flu arises, with as much as 40% of the national workforce off the job. It's called the 'Holy God, what the hell is going on? What do you mean Jim's dead? Everyone shut up. I need to think. Are you coughing? Oh great, now we're all dead' plan." --Amy Poehler

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It doesn't work without you (just as our forefathers intended)

"Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended." –Conan O'Brien

"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien

"Before the World Series game last night, Aaron Lewis from the band Staind botched the National Anthem. To make things worse he started the song with, 'Are you ready for some football?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.' ($400 kneeling shoes)

According to Ivana Trump’s new book, President Trump once left his son Donald Trump Jr. stranded on a tarmac after he was five minutes late for a flight. Even worse, Eric’s been in an overhead bin for the last two years. –Seth Meyers

"Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media." Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.'" –Seth Meyers

After President Trump called for pro-athletes to be fired if they didn't stand for the national anthem, Nike released a statement yesterday in support of "athletes and their right to freedom of expression." Then they introduced a new line of $400 "kneeling shoes." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What do you mean Jim's dead? (intelligencia malo)

"According to a national response plan, the U.S. government forecasts massive disruption if bird flu arises, with as much as 40% of the national workforce off the job. It's called the 'Holy God, what the hell is going on? What do you mean Jim's dead? Everyone shut up. I need to think. Are you coughing? Oh great, now we're all dead' plan." --Amy Poehler

"Despite President Bush saying last week that the national anthem should only be sung in English, it was revealed several times during his 2000 presidential campaign, the song was performed in Spanish. Bush said that his comments last week were based on 'intelligencia malo.'" --Amy Poehler

"The Washington Post reported this week that Sarah Palin billed taxpayers in Alaska for travel expenses for 312 nights she spent in her own home. You know, maverick style." –Amy Poehler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.' (peace treaties)

"Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president was misspelling the word potato?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump says President Obama plays too much golf. Trump was playing golf during the interview. Trump says the President should be at work, like negotiating a peace treaty between Gary Busey and Meatloaf." –Jimmy Kimmel

“These people could have personally witnessed Obama being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”