Do you have the plague? (Even worse, that's vertically)

Experts reported this week that so much trash has accumulated in

Los Angeles, they believe it could lead to a spread of the bubonic

plague. Said people in Los Angeles, "We are gonna get so skinny."

"Do you have the plague? You have to get the plague."

--Seth Meyers

The Department of Homeland Security reported this week that just 20 miles of President Trump's border wall have been built. Even worse, that's vertically. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm about to get kicked out of this supermarket (Even worse, that's vertically)

The Department of Homeland Security reported this week that just 20 miles of President Trump's border wall have been built. Even worse, that's vertically. --Seth Meyers

More people attended Broadway shows this year than attended the events of all 10 local pro sports teams combined. This according to Bryce’s PowerPoint entitled “Why I Should Be Allowed to Do Plays, Dad.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s side by side with his nemesis: time (A bord-her wall)

In other Joe Biden news, the president issued an executive order on Tuesday that will seal the border with Mexico to asylum seekers when the number of claims rises above a daily threshold of 2,500. Critics have called the order the most restrictive border policy instituted by any modern Democrat. That is a tough needle to thread, being an anti-immigration liberal. So we’re going to seal the border, folks, but the wall is going to be gluten-free, and the barbed wire is going to be pro-choice! It’s not a border wall, it’s a bord-her wall. —Stephen Colbert

Joe Biden is on the cover of the new issue of Time magazine. That’s right, he’s courting the youth vote where they hang: print media. Next stop: zeppelins. I believe it is brave for Biden to do this cover because he’s side by side with his nemesis: time. —Stephen Colbert 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

We'll push Biden left, they said (From where — Trump University?)

Earlier today, the senate passed a resolution to terminate the national emergency President Trump declared in order to get funding for his border wall. It’s almost like the president’s plans have hit, I don’t know, a barrier of some kind. --James Corden

This morning, President Trump made a special phone call to his favorite television program, "Fox & Friends." Trump and the hosts talked about lots of things, and at one point, he was asked to grade his presidency. Take a look at what he said. [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus.” An A-plus! From where — Trump University? --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs (to be truly radical)

An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season. It’s the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece. –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

President Trump said today that he will never, ever back down from his demand for a border wall. I have to say, I'm really starting to miss the old days, when if Trump had a stupid idea, it just went out of business. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where do I know that guy from... (Drapetomania)

President Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

And it seems like there's no end in sight to the shutdown. You can tell Trump's desperate to get money for his wall, 'cause earlier today, he proposed to Jeff Bezos. --Jimmy Fallon

But this morning, Eric Trump went on “Fox & Friends” and passionately defended his father. While at home, the president was like, “Where do I know that guy from...” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What you hope for. What they mean. (I dare him to come to India and say that to my face)

In an interview, Senate candidate Roy Moore's spokesperson said his accusers gave "Academy Award performances." Then Moore interrupted and said, "I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards." –Conan O’Brien

Today, President Trump signed an executive order authorizing the building of the border wall. It’s guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel. –Conan O’Brien

"Barack Obama called Mitt Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat (It's fine with us now)

According to a nationwide customer survey, Americans have named Taco Bell as the best Mexican restaurant in the U.S. Said Mexico, "OK, yeah. We're ready for the wall. Just do it. Fine. It's fine with us now." --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said in the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren’t her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat. –Seth Meyers

A new study found that just 52 percent of adults said they read books, while the other 48 percent said, "Duh." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

In Trump's defense, who has ever gone down to Mexico and remembered what they did? (Or another way to put that: Worth every penny)

Today Donald Trump made a last-minute trip to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto — and you just know that as soon as Trump crossed into Mexico, even Hillary Clinton was like, “OK, let's get cracking on that wall.” –James Corden

The Mexican president is saying that he told Trump that Mexico would not pay for the wall, while Trump says they never discussed who would pay for it. In Trump's defense, who has ever gone down to Mexico and remembered what they did? –James Corden

A lot of people are fed up with Donald Trump, but one man has decided to do something about it. A protester in Washington, D.C., has installed a giant inflatable chicken with Trump hair directly behind the White House. The inflatable chicken cost $1,300. Or another way to put that: Worth every penny. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess the VMA gift bags were pretty crazy this year (Be a part of the Revolution!)

Donald Trump and Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto held a joint press conference where Trump said the two did discuss his proposed border wall but did not address payment for its construction. Said Trump, “You know me, I don't like to talk about money.” –Seth Meyers

During a standoff yesterday, outside his home, singer Chris Brown reportedly threw a duffel bag out his window containing weapons and drugs later recovered by the police. I guess the VMA gift bags were pretty crazy this year. –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton spoke yesterday about her preparation for the upcoming presidential debate, and told reporters, quote, “I do not know which Donald Trump will show up.” Yes — will it be the kind, generous and intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists? –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there (I’ll have a grand jury, side of bacon)

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox was on CNN this morning, and he seemed to express his feelings once again about Trump’s border wall pretty clearly: [clip of Fox] “Well, you can use my words, we’ll never play for that [bleeping] wall.” Trump was like, “So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there.” –Jimmy Fallon

ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of “The Little Mermaid” because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours. –Jimmy Fallon

But the big story is that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is bringing evidence before a grand jury for the Russia investigation. Trump was confused, because he thought a grand jury was something you order at Denny’s. “I’ll have a grand jury, side of bacon.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He meant he hopes Goldman Sachs changes their speaking fees from $225K to $400K (Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting)

Queen Elizabeth today learned how to use a self-service check-out at a supermarket's 105th birthday celebration. Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting. --Seth Meyers

Officials in Japan have begun criticizing President Trump's state visit later this month following reports that Trump would be given a chair to sit on while attending a sumo-wrestling tournament rather than following the traditional custom of sitting on the floor. Hey, that's just how he is. When Melania gave birth, he took the bed. --Seth Meyers

The Department of Homeland Security reported this week that just 20 miles of President Trump's border wall have been built. Even worse, that's vertically. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t go looking for it or anything. Just trust us. (All we hear is...)

Congress proposed a budget for the border wall and it’s less than a quarter of what Trump wanted. Now instead of a wall it’s going to be a 5,000 foot long volleyball net. --James Corden

After saying he would never ditch his glasses, this week Jeb Bush appeared wearing contact lenses. Most people actually do look cooler without glasses, but Jeb looks like a turtle who has lost his shell. Is anyone else worried that Jeb got rid of his glasses the same week he got a gun? --James Corden

Last night President Trump held a rally in El Paso, Texas where he introduced a new slogan. It said, “Finish the Wall.” In Trump’s two years in office, zero miles of wall have been built along a 2,000 mile border. And now he’s saying “Finish the Wall.” Trump’s next banner is just going to say, “The wall is finished, but don’t go looking for it or anything. Just trust us.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit (his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff”)

Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit. –Conan O’Brien

An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.” –Conan O’Brien

A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox (You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip)

GOP congressman Kevin McCarthy told CNBC, “You’ve got to remember where Nancy Pelosi was - she who said no money for a wall. That’s not the case. Democrats have now agreed to more than 55 miles of new barrier being built.” Yes, 55 of the 2,000 miles of Border Wall that Trump asked for. Just another example of Trump’s slogan, “Promises Made, Promises 3% Kept.” --Stephen Colbert

After the death of Karl Lagerfeld, his internet famous cat, Choupette is set to inherit Lagerfeld’s $150 Million Pound fortune. It’s so irresponsible to give a cat that much money. You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip. --Stephen Colbert

"Last night Occupy Wall Street protesters were removed by Cesarean. The Founding Fathers never intended indefinite free speech. They assumed after two weeks any protest would be wiped out by smallpox." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The bosses called it “tons of fun” while employees called it “mandatory.” (Biden isn't about any of that)

March Madness is officially underway. An interesting poll says that 17 percent of March Madness viewers watched the game with their boss last year. The bosses called it “tons of fun” while employees called it “mandatory.” --Jimmy Fallon

Bill Gates and Donald Trump actually have a lot in common, because they’ve both given away millions of dollars. Gates calls it philanthropy, while Trump calls it hush money. --Jimmy Fallon

Cancun, Mexico, was just named the best spring break destination, and thousands of Americans are expected to visit. And the people of Mexico were like, “Never thought we’d say this, but what’s the ETA on Trump’s wall?” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip (That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in)

Exciting day for President Trump, because he went on a field trip to the Museum of African American History. He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip. –Stephen Colbert

Yesterday 16 states sued the president over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

We know the president has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that Trump played golf each time he went to the golf course. Sure, he could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of people’s handicaps! –Stephen Colbert

So many democrats are running for president in 2020. It’s like the democratic party has been passing out a mirror that says, “2020: Why Not You?” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yahoo announced it is now run by a family of raccoons (the invisibility of poverty)

January 2023

Senator Rick Scott seen here learning that Harry Potter has fallen into his trap, announced that he is running for re-election promising to finish the Border Wall and name it after Donald Trump. Even though most things named after Donald Trump, like Donald Trump, Jr., are complete failures. —Colin Jost

Google announced that it is cutting 12,000 jobs while Yahoo announced it is now run by a family of raccoons. —Colin Jost

Disneyworld is closing Splash Mountain to turn it into Tiana’s Bayou Adventure after complaints that its Song of the South theme was racist. Okay, but where is the outrage about Disney forcing a mentally challenged dwarf to mine blood diamonds. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions (Sit With Us)

According to a nationwide customer survey, Americans have named Taco Bell as the best Mexican restaurant in the U.S. Said Mexico, "OK, yeah. We're ready for the wall. Just do it. Fine. It's fine with us now." --Seth Meyers

A high school student has developed an app that helps teens locate a welcoming group of kids in the lunchroom called “Sit With Us” — or as bullies call it, “Victim Finder.” –Seth Meyers

A company in California will unveil the world’s first talking sex robot in January. Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”