I'm about to get kicked out of this supermarket (finding something to do in Kansas)

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a 'vomit button' he could push whenever someone posts a picture of a gay couple kissing. Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing." –Conan O'Brien

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with "finding something to do in Kansas." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That's the other side's nutball minister (Like at the Golden Globes/Insect burgers)

 

"The government is still analyzing Osama bin Laden's latest tape. On his most recent release he called Bush a liar and said that he was just after oil. It's the usual stuff we have heard before. Like at the Golden Globes." --Jay Leno

"Today, Barack Obama addressed some of the more controversial comments made by his longtime minister, Jeremiah Wright. The guy said some crazy stuff, like, gays caused 9/11, Hurricane Katrina was God's revenge for our sins. Oh, I'm sorry. That's Pat Robertson. That's the other side's nutball minister. I'm sorry. You know, there's so many nutball ministers in this thing, I'm confused as to which one is on which side." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Chinese President Hu said that our two countries are growing closer. In his speech, President Hu said China is providing more democracy and freedom for its people and President Bush said our government is moving closer to China's system of spying on people without warrants and holding people in jail without trials. Also, we're talking about building a 'Great Wall.'"  --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unfortunately all the people who know how to fix it are here at Comic-Con (the other option)

The New York Stock Exchange was shut down today for four hours due to a technical glitch. They would have fixed it sooner but unfortunately all the people who know how are here at Comic-Con. –Conan O’Brien

"Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a 'vomit button' he could push whenever someone posts a picture of a gay couple kissing. Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing." –Conan O'Brien

It seems like every business in San Diego jacks up their prices this week. It's gotten so bad the NFL team has changed its name to the San Diego Overchargers. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore (God's thinking 60/40)

"Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore." --Jay Leno

"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific Northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? Like God's thinking 60/40. Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno

"One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. How about that? And, as Hillary Clinton likes to say, 'Whoever she may be.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the a**? (buy a congressman online)

"The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy." –Jay Leno

"This Jack Abramoff guy allegedly bribed congressmen on issues ranging from wireless phone service to internet gambling. This guy was really up to date on technology. In fact, before he was indicted, he had a deal going with the home shopping network for people to be able to buy a congressman online." --Jay Leno

 

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has regained some brain function. The bad news: Pat Robertson, still no brain function at all. You know about this -- last week Pat Robertson said Ariel Sharon had a stroke because God was punishing him for dividing Israel. You remember a couple of years ago Pat Robertson announced he had prostate cancer? You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the ass?" -- Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else (I think this is God's way of punishing Pat Robertson)

 

"The Golden Globes were last night. It was the biggest gathering of Hollywood celebrities that wasn’t an anti-Bush rally. The big winners were "Brokeback Mountain," "Capote" and "Transamerica." All movies with gay themes. I think this is God's way of punishing Pat Robertson." --Jay Leno

"Iran said they will inflict harm and pain on the United States if we try to stop their nuclear program. Who's writing their speeches now -- Mr. T?" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing (stop winking when you say that)

"Speaking of politics, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently said that in the 1970s, he smoked marijuana. Yeah. Apparently, Arnold got so stoned, you could understand every word he was saying." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent speech, former President Bill Clinton said that if  Hillary runs for president, he'll do whatever is asked of him. Hillary says the first thing she's going to ask Bill to do is to stop winking when he says that." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush unveiled his new $2.2 trillion budget. Yeah, the president settled on $2 trillion after being told that $2 bazillion was not a real number." --Conan O'Brien

"Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a 'vomit button' he could push whenever someone posts a picture of a gay couple kissing. Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because my wife's family owns Budweiser (It starts with mom)

"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, in his speech today, John McCain said that illegal Irish immigrants in America should be allowed to become citizens. Yeah. When asked why, McCain said, 'Because my wife's family owns Budweiser.'" --Conan O'Brien

​​"Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news, today he was nominated for the Pat Robertson Lifetime Achievement Award (This time, they actually counted the votes)

"During the big meeting [with Chinese President Hu], Vice President Cheney fell asleep, although the White House said he was just reading his notes. That's the same way he hunts: with his eyes closed. " --Jay Leno

"What a crowd, you sound like Dick Cheney when oil hit $74 a barrel." --Jay Leno

"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is being criticized for saying that God wants New Orleans to be a chocolate city and that the hurricanes were because God was mad at us. The good news, today he was nominated for the Pat Robertson Lifetime Achievement Award." --Jay Leno

 

"Vice President Dick Cheney's getting a tax refund of $1.9 million. How do you get a $1.9 million refund when your salary is $205,000 a year? How does that work? Apparently, he's writing off the guns and ammo as business expenses." --Jay Leno

 

"Congratulations to Al Gore! Al Gore won an Emmy last night. Actually, you know the secret to his win? This time, they actually counted the votes." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense about Pakistan being lenient on Osama bin Laden (final, most essential command)

July 2013

"Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world's fattest nation. The U.S. is now number two. The Mexican government has done a lot of research. It turns out their people eat way too much Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien

"It turns out the Pakistan police pulled Osama bin Laden over for speeding. Pulled him over and wrote the guy a ticket. So listen. I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense about Pakistan being lenient on Osama bin Laden, OK?" –David Letterman

"Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to be avoided being recognized by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, 'I guess he just got lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing cowboy hats.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Televangelist Pat Robertson said he wishes Facebook had a 'vomit button' he could push whenever someone posts a picture of a gay couple kissing. Of course, the other option would be for Pat Robertson to stop searching online for gay men kissing." –Conan O'Brien 

"With Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer running for political office, New York City is changing its nickname to ‘The City That Never Sleeps With Its Wife.’" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's almost as if it works or something (steamy man-action)

March 2013

"There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints." –Jimmy Fallon

"I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special." –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church's image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he's out to crush the Rebel Alliance." –Stephen Colbert

"Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God's punishment for man's moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur (What the hell happened here?)

March 2012

“Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.” ” –Craig Ferguson

“Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t see why anyone is surprised, though. Pat Robertson is 81 years old. After a certain point, old people don’t care what anybody thinks. They just don’t. They wear socks with sandals.” –Craig Ferguson

“Pat Robertson said he never smoked pot and never will, and that just because something is ‘legal’ doesn’t mean we should do it. That’s the argument I always use against pineapple on your pizza.” –Craig Ferguson

“A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can’t believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone.” –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here’s when you know you have a problem (the guy who once said gay people cause hurricanes)

“Even the televangelist Pat Robertson, spoke out against Trump’s meaningless photo op, saying it ‘wasn’t cool.’ You know we live in crazy times when we’re all agreeing with the guy who once said gay people cause hurricanes.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s when you know you have a problem — you have a problem when even the 600-year-old host of ‘The 700 Club’ is not impressed.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump has suggested that he might invoke an old law from 1807 to send in active-duty troops to keep the peace. That apparently didn’t sit well with his own secretary of defense, Mark Esper, who probably ended his time in the administration today.” — Jimmy Kimmel, on Esper’s disagreeing with Trump’s threat of deploying the military in response to protests

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or, as they call it in North Korea, 'spring break.' (Dumbasses, we thank you.)

June 2011

"California officials say that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state? How did Schwarzenegger manage to cover up all those children?" –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, 'spring break.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or as Bush calls it, 'a bi-bi.' (on the shelf next to George Washington's Torah)

"Earlier this evening at the White House, President Bush welcomed new members of Congress with what's being referred to as 'a bicameral, bipartisan reception.' Or as Bush calls it, 'a bi-bi.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first Muslim member of Congress is planning to be sworn in on a copy of the Koran that was once owned by Thomas Jefferson. The congressman says he found Thomas Jefferson's Koran on the shelf next to George Washington's Torah." --Conan O'Brien

"Televangelist and radio enthusiast Pat Robertson made a major announcement yesterday. He says that God told him terrorists will conduct a mass killing in the United States late 2007. I think we found our lead suspect." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Imagine if you go to Hell and it's for that (The moral crisis of our age)

But Mueller told Trump that, while he is not a criminal target, he still needs to ask him some questions. Basically he's treating the president like the guy who used to work with the woman who turned up dead on this week's "Law & Order." --Jimmy Kimmel

Some people think he could be saying this to bait Trump into sitting down at an interview. If you want to bait Trump, you leave a trail of cheeseburgers. That's how you bait him. --Jimmy Kimmel

A kid wrote in and asked Pat Robertson if the Bible said it was OK to play with mermaid toys. Good news, it is. Imagine if you go to Hell and it's for that. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

It’s like a five-second rule for your soul (Tony Soprano vs Donald Trump)

Before he left the president, who’s been notoriously stingy with on-camera interviews lately, sat down with the 700-year-old host of “The 700 Club,” Pat Robertson. This is a religious television show. And Donald Trump is a very religious guy. [clip of Robertson responding “yeah,” “that’s right” several times as Trump speaks] So they got along just great. –Jimmy Kimmel

Of course Trump got asked about the biggest story in France — his son’s collusion with Russia. [clip of Trump] “He took a meeting with a Russian lawyer, not a government lawyer, but a Russian lawyer. It was a short meeting. It was a meeting that went very, very quickly, very fast.” Welcome to Trump’s America, where morality is measured by speed. Because it was over quickly, it wasn’t wrong! It’s like a five-second rule for your soul. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?

"So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?" --Jay Leno

"Today, Barack Obama addressed some of the more controversial comments made by his long-time minister, Jeremiah Wright. The guy said some crazy stuff, like, gays caused 9/11, Hurricane Katrina was God's revenge for our sins. Oh, I'm sorry. That's Pat Robertson. That's the other side's nutball minister. I'm sorry. You know, there's so many nutball ministers in this thing, I'm confused as to which one is on which side." --Jay Leno

 "And Elton John announced this week he's gonna sing at a big fundraiser for Hillary Clinton next month. Is that a good idea? Hillary and Elton on the stage? Let's hope they don't show up wearing the same pantsuit." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the ass? (a bag of cash dropped off by Jack Abramoff)

"In Washington, the Justice Department was evacuated because of a suspicious package. It was okay, it just turned out to be a bag of cash dropped off by Jack Abramoff." --David Letterman

"So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: 'Thou Shalt Not Compete'] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: 'Screwing Indians']" --Stephen Colbert

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has regained some brain function. The bad news: Pat Robertson, still no brain function at all. You know about this -- last week Pat Robertson said Ariel Sharon had a stroke because God was punishing him for dividing Israel. You remember a couple of years ago Pat Robertson announced he had prostate cancer? You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the ass?" -- Jay Leno

The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger (Super and Duper)

"Have you been watching the Alito Supreme Court nomination hearings? The Democrats are upset, they're crazy, they're already accusing him of giving vague, contradictory hearings. And Alito was on that, he shot back, 'Maybe, maybe not.'" --David Letterman

"The American Bar Association gave Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito their highest rating. President Bush gave Alito his highest rating, too, because Bush called him 'Super' and 'Duper.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Doctors say that Ariel Sharon is emerging from his coma and can move his hand. The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger." --Jay Leno