Donations

Showing posts with label Albania. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Albania. Show all posts

Thursday, October 26, 2023

I just don't understand why... (like a bunch of street pigeons fighting over a french fry)


After over three weeks of chaos and squabbling in Congress, all 220 Republicans in the House voted for Mike Johnson of Louisiana, a far-right conservative that almost no one has heard of. I think they’re trying to bore everyone into forgetting how extreme he is. 


Mike Johnson is the fake name they give you when you call tech support so it sounds like you’re talking to someone in Kansas when you’re definitely talking to someone in Albania. Johnson was so under the radar that even Senator Susan Collins, a Republican from Maine, admitted to a reporter that she would need to Google him before offering comment. Well when you Google him, you’re going to need to put in more information than just the name Mike Johnson. 


Mike Johnson is such a common name, most of us went to school with one. My Mike Johnson played baseball. This Mike Johnson played a key role in the effort to overturn the election results and was, according to the New York Times, the ‘most important architect’ of the electoral college objections to the 2020 presidential election.


Nevertheless, he now leads the largest body of Congress and is second in line to the presidency, which Republicans celebrated with a large gathering on the Capitol steps. When asked about his unfounded objections to the 2020 election at a press conference, the caucus booed the reporter, which is ridiculous.

Imagine booing someone for asking a simple question after you paralyzed the government for three weeks of spectacle and humiliating incompetence where you screamed and yelled at each other like a bunch of street pigeons fighting over a french fry. —Seth Meyers


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Obviously, they'll probably go with whoever offers them the most krill (Hindsight Is 2020)






































"How low were the expectations for the G8 meeting? This  New York Times headline declares it a breakthrough that the president agreed cutting greenhouse gases in half as something the U.S. will 'seriously consider' by 2050. Of course, by then, we'll all also have to take into account the votes of the Gill People. Obviously, they'll probably go with whoever offers them the most krill." --Jon Stewart

"As always, the big question with a new operation ... what to call it? Obviously four years into the war, we've already used Desert Storm, Iraqi Freedom, Enduring Freedom, Together Forward, Iron Hammer, Warhorse Whirlwind, Bulldog Mammoth, Panther Squeeze, Red Dawn, Rock Slide, Rifles Fury, Centaur Rodeo. By the way, not only is every one of those a real operation, but each one of them is also the title of a Fred Thompson movie." --Jon Stewart

"I have good news to report. Americans were greeted this week as liberators! The bad news? The country was Albania and we've never invaded." --Jon Stewart

A magisterial collection.
An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html


Thursday, January 18, 2018

If anybody messes with my Nobel Peace Prize, I will f them up (these guys want to send your kid to Iran)



"Over the weekend in the West Bank, Palestinian gunmen overtook the former home of Yasser Arafat and stole his Nobel Peace Prize. After hearing about it, the Dalai Lama said, 'If anybody messes with my Nobel Peace Prize, I will f them up.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman
"I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since ... well,  Al Gore." --David Letterman

A magisterial collection.
An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.

Friday, January 5, 2018

it's being marketed more as a justification to attack Greece (big fat sex scandal)



"A lot of people have asked, 'Why the big response'? Isn't it obvious? He's a strong leader, he's spreading democracy, and in Albania, it is effectively still 2002. They only just started listening to Nellie. It's still okay to wear those plastic butterfly clips in your hair. And 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' has just opened in theatres. Though, over there, it's being marketed more as a justification to attack Greece." --Stephen Colbert

"So to the Albanians, the president has just recently launched a highly popular war in Afghanistan. There's no Iraq, no congressional page sex scandal, no Jack Abramoff, no wire-tapping, no secret prisons, no torture, no Valerie Plame, no Abu Ghraib, no no-bid contracts, no Hurricane Katrina, no attorney firings, no contents of Karl Rove's basement freezer. Oh. I'm sorry, I may have spoken too soon. I don't know if that one's broken yet. It's going to be big." --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

just click over to Fox News. I believe they're running it on a loop (the other 68% are undecided)



"Sometimes it seems like Americans don't appreciate  President Bush. He is currently at a 32% approval rating in this country. I assume the other 68% are undecided. 

We Americans sometimes forget there are people all over the world who don't even have a President Bush. But those who take him for granted ate a big slice of 'no-longer-taking-for-granted' pie this weekend, when our commander-in-chief made a visit to Albania. 

He got a hero's welcome, swarmed by mobs of adoring fans. He is so beloved, the gypsies actually put money in his pockets. And if you missed that footage this morning, just click over to Fox News. I believe they're running it on a loop." --Stephen Colbert


A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

We're not even allowed to ask the guy questions (the poor man's Kazakhstan)






































"I have good news to report. Americans were greeted this week as liberators! The bad news? The country was Albania and we've never invaded." --Jon Stewart
"To get a pleasant reception, the President Bush only needed to fly to a country referred to as 'the poor man's Kazakhstan.'" --Jon Stewart

"Wait, can I just ask a question? How did those people get so close to the president? They're hugging him, they're playing with his hair. We're not even allowed to ask the guy questions." --Jon Stewart

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

young stud pool boy/he did it for 40 minutes (Look, a car!)



"Fred Thompson's on the show tonight. After leaving the Senate, Fred was a regular for years on 'Law & Order.' That's typical Hollywood typecasting. He's a Republican so Hollywood automatically puts him on 'Law & Order.' See, if he was a Democrat, he would have been the young stud pool boy on 'Desperate Housewives.'" --Jay Leno
"This weekend,  President Bush visited Albania and everywhere his motorcade drove, he was greeted with cheers and applause. The Albanians were really excited, and kept saying, 'Look, a car!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, President Bush talked about his immigration bill and said, 'The political process is two steps forward, one step back.' Then Bush said, 'It's just like the Hokey Pokey.' Then he did it for 40 minutes." --Conan O'Brien

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.


It would have meant battlefield victories for the U.S. and higher ratings for the Tony Awards (mobbed by adoring, cheering crowds)



"This week in the country of Albania, President George Bush was mobbed by adoring, cheering crowds. Bush was overheard saying, 'I wonder who they're mixing me up with.'" --Conan O'Brien
"CBS News reports that the Pentagon once considered building a bomb filled with hormones that would turn enemy soldiers gay. Experts say the gay bomb would have meant battlefield victories for the U.S. and higher ratings for the Tony Awards." --Conan O'Brien

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

Mickey's gloves are white. His pants are red. His buttons are yellow. (I fire people for that)



"Vice President Dick Cheney is going into surgery. He's having a new pacemaker installed. Doctors are confident that Cheney will be up and sneering in no time." --David Letterman
"George Bush is traveling around Europe. A couple of days ago, he's touring through Albania and he's shaking hands with people and someone steals his wrist watch. The Secret Service jumped right on it and they turned in a description of the watch. Mickey's gloves are white. His pants are red. His buttons are yellow. It's all part of George Bush's 'No Pickpocket Left Behind' program." --David Letterman
"He then made a terrible mistake at the Vatican. President Bush referred to the Pope as 'sir' as opposed to 'his holiness.' I fire people for that." --David Letterman

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.




It's a dead end street, but it's the thought that counts (The first step to the White House)



"People were lining the streets, waiting to cheer President Bush. In this country he has a 28% approval rating, but in Albania, he's a God. He was so popular over there Albania actually named a street after President Bush. It's a dead end street, but it's the thought that counts." --Jay Leno
"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, has announced he is separating from his wife. As former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani calls that, 'The first step to the White House.'" --Jay Leno

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

I love the Albino people (which means there are two possibilities)



"President Bush made a stop in Albania on Sunday. Unlike just about every other place he's ever been, they really like him there. They love him. They mobbed the president, and he ate it up. The only problem is that they may have also stolen his watch. Today the White House said the president's watch was not stolen. They said he took it off before he started shaking hands, which means there are two possibilities. Either Albanians stole the president's watch, or the president took off his watch because he doesn't trust Albanians. Neither scenario paints a particularly rosy picture of Albanian-American relations." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush is back from his European tour. He became the first president ever to visit Albania. He got a hero's welcome. Although there was one awkward moment, when he told the crowd, 'I love the Albino people.'" --Jay Leno

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

I am honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard (Up top Pope-y)



"President Bush met with the Pope this weekend and he made a mistake, because instead of calling the Pope 'your holiness,' Bush called him 'sir.' Then, instead of kissing the Pope's ring, Bush went for a high five and said, 'Up top Popey.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, 'I am honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard.'" --Conan O'Brien

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore (It's the watch Cheney uses to hypnotize him)



"Dick Cheney has had like 19 heart attacks and has a pacemaker. He needs a new pacemaker. I guess they wear out from time to time. So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore." --David Letterman
"George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. ... They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him." --David Letterman
"Here's some broadcasting ugliness. Dan Rather, who used to host the 'Evening News' here at CBS, said this about Katie Couric, who is now hosting the 'CBS Evening News.' Dan Rather said she is tarting up the news. Dan followed that comment by saying, 'Bring me another whiskey sour.'" --David Letterman


A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.














I believe he is the first president to be robbed since ... well, Al Gore (Anyway, he ended up in Albania)



"President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman
"I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since ... well,  Al Gore." --David Letterman

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.
Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s
Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.