Hey, what does this button do? (staring at your boobs/beaded curtains)

Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?” –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, almost 60 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump should compromise with Democrats. Like, instead of a wall at the Mexican border, maybe a beaded curtain? – Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank God I'm not a taxpayer! (Why do I keep getting all these ink cartridges? Sad!)

Americans actually get to vote on which turkey Trump pardons, and I saw that the two finalists are named Peas and Carrots. When he heard they're both named after vegetables, Trump was like, "Forget it. They're both goners.” That's right. Americans can vote on which turkey gets pardoned. You can tell the turkeys want to drag it out as long as possible, 'cause today they asked if that vote could happen in Florida. --Jimmy Fallon

A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Congress is debating if President Trump should have the power to order a nuclear strike. I guess right now, it’s an even split between “No” and “Hell, no.” They have a good plan though. They’re gonna replace the red button on his desk with the one that orders office supplies from Staples. “Why do I keep getting all these ink cartridges? Sad!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is no accident (People pretending to help people)

"Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house?" –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent. “–Bill Maher

"What happened is Mitt Romney had a rally where they bought $5,000 worth of canned goods from Wal-Mart, handed them out to their supporters, and then had their supporters pretend to be giving them to the victims for the cameras. Because that's what Mitt is all about -- people. People pretending to help people. Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It could be on a network people watch (Speak and Spell)

Toward the end of his presidency Joe Biden was so demented he couldn’t debate a Speak and Spell, which is why they told him the Speak and Spell was the nuclear football. —Greg Gutfeld

Joe Scarboro covered up for Biden’s decline so badly that if he got within 200 feet of a polygraph machine it would burst into flames. But Scarboro couldn't afford to be honest with his audience because the Dems had a big bad orange man breathing down their necks, so he had to deny Biden's physical and mental decline which the whole world saw every day. He had to blurt out hostile fidgety bull**** or they wouldn't give him the pills that keep him from turning into a werewolf. Scarboro’s entire grift was so that he could be the last person MSNBC lays off. I mean it's not like his night job as a Beavis and Butthead impersonator would cover his monthly nut, but now in 2025 when he thinks it’s safe Scarboro has seen the light. The funny thing is if you had just told the truth when it mattered maybe the Dems would have had time to find a candidate who could actually win an election. But Scarboro didn’t tell the truth so now you have to lie about your lies. But hey, it could always be worse. Morning Joe could be on a network people watch. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They wake up to a hot cup of c*caine (Enola, your uncle’s longtime roommate)

This week has seen the stock market plummet with the Dow Jones index falling 890 points. Despite attempts, there is “no good way to spin the story” and the news has been “bumming out everybody on Wall Street” with those who work there reportedly exhausted. Do you know how hard it is to exhaust Wall Street? They wake up to a hot cup of cocaine and then just to take the edge off, more cocaine. —Stephen Colbert 

The ex-Fox News pundit turned military chief Pete Hegseth is “less DEI more DUI” but has been in charge of removing “scary woke words from the internet. This has included the deletion of a photo of the Enola Gay plane, which dropped an atomic bomb on Japan during the second world war. It has been replaced with a photo of Enola, your uncle’s longtime roommate. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover (Hey, what does this button do?)

Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?” –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

Officials in Florida yesterday pulled over a woman who was hiding a foot-long alligator in her yoga pants. To be fair, it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

then he asked how long it takes eyebrows to grow back (Oven Mitts)

Earlier tonight was the big season opener for the NFL, where the Patriots played their first game since the “Deflategate” scandal. I don’t want to say the refs spent a long time examining balls, but today, they were hired by the TSA. –Jimmy Fallon

This morning, North Korea claimed it successfully tested its fifth and most powerful nuclear warhead. Kim Jong Un called the test a major triumph, then asked how long it takes eyebrows to grow back. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The survivors called the award the second biggest surprise of their lives (Even more tragic, he survived)

A YouTube star totaled his $200,000 McLaren after he live streamed himself texting while driving in the rain. Even more tragic, he survived. —Colin Jost

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to a group of Japanese atomic bomb survivors who were trying to free the world of nuclear weapons. The survivors called the award the second biggest surprise of their lives. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down? (it was an open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case)

There was a crazy story out of Venezuela. A 25-year-old woman was arrested after attempting to break her boyfriend out of prison by smuggling him in a suitcase. The warden said it was an “open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case.” –James Corden

A new article revealed that members of the U.S. Air Force in Wyoming took LSD and had acid trips while they were assigned to guard nuclear missiles. Is it me or does it feel like Donald Trump definitely picked the wrong day to brag about America's nuclear capabilities? --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I know, it's crazy, right? (the drunkest city in the USA)

The Royal wedding is just three days away! Which means in just three days, the world will finally get to see the queen do the Electric Slide. --Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Green Bay, Wisconsin, is the drunkest city in the U.S. You can tell, cuz no one in Green Bay remembers answering that survey. --Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Un might cancel his meeting with President Trump, where they were supposed to discuss North Korea's nuclear weapons. Trump was like, "How could someone just pull out of a nuclear agreement?" And Iran was like, "I know, it's crazy, right?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only thing less popular in New Jersey is the top button (Hey, what does this button do?)

Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?” –Seth Meyers

Gov. Chris Christie currently has a 19 percent approval rating in New Jersey. The only thing less popular in New Jersey is the top button. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump spent the weekend at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. “Fore!” yelled Trump at a random woman he saw. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Police became suspicious when the school's bake sale raised 40 million dollars (George W. Bush forgot it twice)

Here in New York federal agents busted a 12 million dollar marijuana operation that was operating across the street from a public school. Police became suspicious when the school's bake sale raised 40 million dollars. --Conan O’Brien 3/25/2005

"This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My plan will help you whether you're a billionaire or just a millionaire (I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones)

In a speech today President Bush said that his economic plan would help Americans from all walks of life. Bush said, “My plan will help you whether you're a billionaire or just a millionaire.” --Conan O’Brien 6/23/2005

Michael Douglas met with lawmakers and he urged the United States and Russia to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear weapons. Apparently Douglas pleaded by saying it is more important than ever that we don't destroy the planet because I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones. --Conan O’Brien 3/22/2000

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked (lots of baton twirling)

During a “60 Minutes” interview, Trump said going forward, he will be “very restrained” on Twitter and Facebook. So, the interview was taped Friday, and then on Sunday — two days later — he went on a tirade against The New York Times on Twitter. But he didn’t use all caps! Baby steps. It’s something, right? Lowercase. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee had a hearing to discuss whether President Trump should continue to have the sole authority to launch a nuclear weapon, or whether his iPad should have some parental controls put on it. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She’s the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She’s a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she’s the only one in it. It’s a solo sex tape. It’s the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked. She's trying to downplay the incident. In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Seven guys? (a particularly amusing name)

 

(on AG Alberto Gonzales announcing that the seven men arrested in Miami with suspected ties to al Qaeda were going to wage a full ground war against the United States): "Seven guys? I am not a general. I am not in any way affiliated with a military academy, but I believe if you are going to wage a full ground war against the United States, you need to field at least as many people as, say, a softball team." --Jon Stewart

"North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il thought he could get away with firing seven missiles into the Sea of Japan in a test of his new long range rocket technology. Six of his missiles worked, but the one capable of reaching America with a nuclear payload blew up in mid-air. That was, of course, the infamous Taepodong-2, which, since it is still incapable of destroying the West Coast, remains a particularly amusing name." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Why do I keep getting all these ink cartridges? (I spelled my name right!)

President Trump just went on Twitter and bragged about a poll showing that he has a 46 percent approval rating. Really? That’s like posting a math quiz on the fridge where you got a D+. “I spelled my name right!” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Congress is debating if President Trump should have the power to order a nuclear strike. I guess right now, it’s an even split between “No” and “Hell, no.” They have a good plan though. They’re gonna replace the red button on his desk with the one that orders office supplies from Staples. “Why do I keep getting all these ink cartridges? Sad!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Oh my God, Trump is going to run for president of North Korea (Though you probably know it by its Hindi name, Mountain Dew)

While touring hurricane damage in North Carolina today, President Trump reportedly congratulated a resident on having a stranger's boat wash up in his yard, saying, "At least you got a nice boat out of the deal." Dude, you don't get to just keep things that wash up on shore. Even though I'm assuming that's probably how you got Steve Bannon. --Seth Meyers

President Trump said during his address to the U.N. today that if North Korea continues working on its nuclear program, the U.S. will have "no choice but to totally destroy North Korea." Oh my God, Trump is going to run for president of North Korea. –Seth Meyers

A farmer in India is claiming that he’s made over $1 million in the last four years by selling bull semen. Though you probably know it by its Hindi name, Mountain Dew. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Will someone please tell Kim Jong Un they like his new glasses (That's just Willie Nelson)

Among seniors 65 and older, monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent. That's just Willie Nelson. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night North Korea conducted what they claim was a successful test of their biggest nuclear warhead yet. So congrats to them. I'm glad they're finally figuring that out. Will someone please tell Kim Jong Un they like his new glasses and he looks like he lost weight so he doesn't kill everybody on the West Coast? –Jimmy Kimmel

The one guy Donald Trump has nothing bad to say about is Vladimir Putin. Maybe he is afraid Putin will cut off his supply of wives. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, it doesn't make you look anything like a gang leader at a women's prison (Imagine being a North Korean prairie dog)

North Korea may soon have the technology to nuke countries other than their own because last month they tested a submarine-based missile called the "No Dong." The missile flew 300 miles before falling into the Sea of Japan. Man! The dolphins around Japan just cannot catch a break. –Stephen Colbert

I'd like to take a moment right now to reassure Kim Jong Un. Dear Leader, I want you to know that your ban on sarcasm is a great idea, it's so, SO smart. It doesn't seem desperate AT ALL. And setting off a bomb underneath your own country? Genius! By the way, that haircut — amazing! Doesn't make you look anything like a gang leader at a women's prison. –Stephen Colbert

Some disturbing news out of North Korea, they conducted a nuclear test detonating a 10-kiloton device underground. You think it's hard being a North Korean? Imagine being a North Korean prairie dog. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”