I’ll keep that in mind if I’m ever innocent ("No, we’re not," said your microwave)

After President Trump attacked Special Counsel Robert Mueller in the Russia investigation on Twitter, Republican Rep. Trey Gowdy said, “When you are innocent, act like it.” Said Trump, “I’ll keep that in mind if I’m ever innocent.” --Seth Meyers

"On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had the power to 'see the future,' and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn't have run for president in 2012." –Seth Meyers

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting an office in the White House in addition to security clearance and government-issued communication devices. Even more unbelievable, so is Donald Trump. –Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that a majority of Americans believe the government is spying on them. "No, we’re not," said your microwave. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The thief apparently made off with the man's entire argument (Now get away from our castle!)

"After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son 'must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.' They then added, 'Now get away from our castle!'" –Seth Meyers

"This weekend a man in Oregon who is an advocate for the open carry of firearms was robbed at gunpoint. The thief apparently made off with the man's entire argument." –Seth Meyers

"In a recent statement, Vladimir Putin said that Ukraine 'has always been and would continue to be the closest sister nation to Russia.' And sometimes sisters fight when one sister steals the other sister's boyfriend Crimea." –Seth Meyers

It’s Columbus Day. In honor of Christopher Columbus, I went to a grocery store and got lost looking for spices. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib. (I won't rest until all you guys can get married)

April 2014

"President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, 'I won't rest until all you guys can get married.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton yesterday made some very strong remarks about the media. She said that the media treat powerful women with a double standard. Or as it got reported in most places, 'Hillary Clinton shows off sassy new haircut.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, 'Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from 'The Late Show' in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, 'Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. (So ladies, he's officially single. Run!)

"Vladimir Putin's divorce became final today. So ladies, he's officially single. Run!" –Seth Meyers

"The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…" –Seth Meyers

President Trump this morning on Twitter nicknamed former President Obama for the first time, and called him “Cheatin’ Obama.” Cheatin’ Obama? That’s a pretty lame nickname. You know what’s a cool nickname? Stormy. --Seth Meyers

Subway has begun posting calorie counts on the menu boards at its 27,000 stores nationwide. And Chipotle is posting a body count. –Seth Meyers

"Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So ladies, he's officially single. Run! (Potential)

April 2014

"The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…" –Seth Meyers

"Vladimir Putin's divorce became final today. So ladies, he's officially single. Run!" –Seth Meyers

"A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear 'evitable.' What does evitable mean?" –Seth Meyers

"That's right, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, 'What, it's illegal?'" –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lord, please help me accept the things I cannot change, which is everything (as powerful as a negative Yelp review)

March 2014

"Pope Francis and President Obama met for the first time today and prayed together. Said Obama: 'Lord, please help me accept the things I cannot change, which is everything.'" –Seth Meyers 

"Today the U.N. approved a resolution calling Russia's annexation of Crimea illegal. For those of you who don't know what a U.N. resolution is, it's about as powerful as a negative Yelp review." –Seth Meyers 

"After discovering a new dwarf planet orbiting the sun beyond Pluto, scientists have named it '2012 VP113' or 'Biden' for short. Scientists say they chose the name because the planet, like Biden, is pretty far out there." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken (He's filling in for Dennis Rodman)

March 2014

"It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia." –David Letterman

"Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys." –David Letterman

"President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman 

"First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.' (conscious unbishopping)

March 2014

"Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Putin doesn't have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won't stop bragging about it." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They're calling it a 'conscious uncoupling.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the 'Bling Bishop' after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a 'conscious unbishopping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a pretty big loss – you know, for my monologue (May God write us down as a**es if...)

March 2014

"President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world's biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, 'All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"There are reports coming out that Chris Christie has lost 100 pounds since having lap-band surgery. It's a pretty big loss – you know, for my monologue." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special 'Judge Judy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps ('My favorite day,' said Pooh)

March 2014

"In March Madness, when No. 3 Syracuse was eliminated, I heard people say the Orange had been eliminated. They said the Orange and the first thing I thought was something happened to Speaker of the House John Boehner." –David Letterman

"President Obama is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful." –David Letterman

"When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps." –David Letterman

"On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to 'see the future,' and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn't have run for president in 2012." –Seth Meyers

"In an interview with 'Meet the Press,' former President Jimmy Carter said he won't send emails because he believes the NSA is reading them. And also because he can't find the 'send' button on his typewriter." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're making the Russian section much, much larger (or one of Putin's rivals tried to start his car)

March 2014

"Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia – and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool." –Jimmy Fallon 

"That's right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin's rivals tried to start his car." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn't even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep." –Jimmy Fallon

"This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney's 'It's a Small World' ride. But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster (You tell ’em, handsome!)

Donald Trump said at a recent campaign rally that he has “never met a human being who’s lied” as much as Ted Cruz. Then Melania said, “You tell ’em, handsome!” --Seth Meyers

"New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for 'no.' There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for 'yes,' and one for 'murder my family.'" –Seth Meyers

Chris Christie announced yesterday that he's dropping out of the presidential race. Christie said he's not sure what he'll do now, and then someone reminded him he's still the governor of New Jersey. –Seth Meyers

An Oregon man led police on a 10-mile, high-speed chase on Sunday in a stolen street sweeper truck. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his community service was done. –Seth Meyers

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort stole millions of dollars, committed tax and bank fraud, and, in June, he went to jail for witness tampering, a crime he committed while he was on house arrest for a different crime. The nicest thing you can say about him is that he's great at multitasking. I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork (He got that from us)

March 2014

"Vladimir Putin doesn't know what the troops are doing there in Crimea. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us." –David Letterman

"This situation in Ukraine is very serious. As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork." –David Letterman

"Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, 'Is the Pope Catholic?' they're actually asking." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What were we supposed to talk about? His other hobbies? (shirtless, stroking a tiger, looking into an infinity mirror)

March 2014

"Russia, over the weekend, invaded Crimea, but evil Russian President Vladimir Putin said he has no plans to annex the territory. Well, that's good enough for me." –David Letterman

"We had an interesting night last night. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, was here. Then after the show, apparently he was upset. Why, I'm not exactly sure. I asked him about drinking and smoking crack. What were we supposed to talk about? His other hobbies?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president of the United States is getting outplayed. Look what he wore when he Saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with Putin – no tie, jeans with a jean shirt. What is this, casual doomsday? Meanwhile, on the other end, you know Putin is shirtless, stroking a tiger, looking into an infinity mirror." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I watch every year to make sure I'm not in the dead actors montage (Better NOT try and change my mind)

March 2014

"Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn't find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, 'Soon nobody will.'" –Seth Meyers

"Russia suspended coverage of the Oscars last night. They didn't show it. And I'm going to guess they're not going to show the Tony Awards either." –Conan O'Brien

"Anybody see the Academy Awards last night? I watch every year to make sure I'm not in the dead actors montage." –David Letterman

"The Olympics are done. The Russians have nothing to do so they invaded Crimea." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now get away from our castle!

"After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son 'must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.' They then added, 'Now get away from our castle!'" –Seth Meyers



"In a recent statement, Vladimir Putin said that Ukraine 'has always been and would continue to be the closest sister nation to Russia.' And sometimes sisters fight when one sister steals the other sister's boyfriend Crimea." –Seth Meyers


Even I don't have a weapon as destructive as the McRib

"President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, 'I won't rest until all you guys can get married.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, 'Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.'" –Jimmy Fallon 



"The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from 'The Late Show' in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, 'Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now.'" –Jimmy Fallon 



So ladies, he's officially single. Run!

"The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus…" –Seth Meyers



"Vladimir Putin's divorce became final today. So ladies, he's officially single. Run!" –Seth Meyers



"A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear 'evitable.' What does evitable mean?" –Seth Meyers

I try but I always forget Bashful

"President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful." –David Letterman



"On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to 'see the future,' and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn't have run for president in 2012." –Seth Meyers

"They've kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic organization. So now he won't be getting his G-8 jacket. He won't be getting the G-8 mug. And he's not going to get the G-8 tote bag." –David Letterman



Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.'

"Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone." –Seth Meyers

"Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, 'Reince Priebus' sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare." –Seth Meyers



"Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.' That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope's giant hat?" –Craig Ferguson