How do I trade him in for Eric? (What does he have that I don’t have?)

“I’ve never seen Trump this smitten before. This is a reminder: He doesn’t work with a single cool person. He is surrounded by so many charmless goons that the first time he got to hang out with someone who had a little charisma, he swooned like he was on a date with the varsity quarterback.” — Seth Meyers

“The whole meeting Trump was, like, ‘How do I trade him in for Eric?’” — Jimmy Kimmel

“When Mamdani was asked during a meeting in the Oval Office if he still believes President Trump is a fascist, Trump told Mamdani, ‘You could just say yes, it’s easier.’ Wait, so he can call you a fascist, but when I do it, you try to get my show canceled? What — what does he have that I don’t have? Youth? Charisma? Oh, both of those.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they did not expect them to be the Katy Perry kind (the molly Trump took right before the meeting kicked in)

President Trump and Zohran Mamdani, the democratic socialist who was elected mayor of New York this month, have had harsh words for each other, but they surprised almost everyone by hitting it off in a White House meeting on Friday. Most people were expecting fireworks, but they did not expect them to be the Katy Perry kind. — Jimmy Kimmel

“Seriously, though, like, what the [expletive] is happening? Either Zohran charmed Trump into embracing democratic socialism and undercutting every scare tactic the right has weaponized against him for the past six months, or the molly Trump took right before the meeting kicked in.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

DNA kits (Really?)

Donald Trump is out in front of the pack again. According to a new Reuters poll he's in first place among likely Republican voters with 42 percent. Ben Carson is in second with just under 25 percent. Only 4 percent now say they would support Jeb Bush. That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's buttocks, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away. They're out there." –Jimmy Kimmel

“In Georgia, Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock are headed to a runoff election in December, which could decide control of the Senate. Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You cheated on your ex-wife with an older woman? (Is that even legal?)

“Over the years, Trump and King Charles have actually bonded because they both know what it’s like to inherit everything they have. Besides that, they also know what it’s like to spend all day on the throne.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow, Trump, Melania and the royal family will share a carriage ride. And if they’re not home by midnight, either the carriage or Trump will turn back into a pumpkin.” — Jimmy Fallon

“I can’t wait to see those two together: ‘[imitating Trump] So, Charles, let me get this part straight: You cheated on your ex-wife with an older woman? Is that even legal?’” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

one long trip to get my dry cleaning (double A batteries)

China is testing a spacecraft that will put the first Chinese person on the moon. It will be one small step for man and one long trip to get my dry cleaning. —Greg Gutfeld

 A WNBA coach is demanding action over sex toys being thrown on the floor during games, saying that it's offensive to toss them without including double A batteries. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Instead of calling balls and strikes, she'll just say it's fine (the game won't start until you hear about her day)

This weekend, the Marlins and Braves will play the first Major League Baseball game umpired by a woman. Instead of calling balls and strikes, she'll just say it's fine. —Kat Timpf

This weekend, Major League Baseball will have its first female umpire. Yeah, but the game won't start until you hear about her day. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Great, that should pretty much make up for everything (Now where’s my check?)

"An interesting announcement just came out. Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. When asked about it, the chief said, 'Great, that should pretty much make up for everything.'" --Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where’s my check?" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Delegates had the option of voting either “no” or “ugh, fine.” (I have even more bad news)

The USDA has issued a health alert over premade salads and wraps sold at Walgreens due to concerns they may be contaminated with an intestinal parasite. So, if you're buying your meals at Walgreens, I have even more bad news. --Seth Meyers

Democrats held a roll call vote today to formally elect Hillary Clinton as their party’s nominee. Delegates had the option of voting either “no” or “ugh, fine.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because remember – his best friend died in prison back in 2019 (it was the only way to use his Frequent Pervert miles)

President Trump continues to lash out at any focus on Jeffrey Epstein; when a CNN reporter called Trump to ask about the wedding photos, the president dismissed the network as “fake news”. Wait … you can just call Donald Trump and he’ll just pick up the phone himself? A president shouldn’t be that available. I think this just shows how lonely Trump is. He just wants someone to talk to. It’s actually kinda sad. Because remember – his best friend died in prison back in 2019. —Josh Johnson, The Daily Show

President Trump recently said he never went to Epstein Island but Bill Clinton went there 28 times. Clinton defended himself by saying it was the only way to use his Frequent Pervert miles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow. $100 million worth of writers must have really paid off (I stepped up and banged his wife)

It was one year ago today that President Biden dropped out of the 2024 campaign. Time flies when you're dead. Meanwhile, his son Hunter unleashed on George Clooney and the Democrats for being disloyal to his father, adding, “I know about loyalty. When my brother died, I stepped up and banged his wife.” —Greg Gutfeld

Since Colbert's firing, Jon Stewart told CBS to go f yourself and Colbert told Trump to go f yourself. Wow. $100 million worth of writers must have really paid off. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

"I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall (Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up)

"The U.S. government has issued a warning to builders not to use Chinese drywall because they say it's defective. The Chinese government denied this and said, 'Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall.'" --Conan O'Brien

"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Uh ... that was also rehab (Well, well, well, look who we have here!)

"On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that's what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn't able to eat for 24 hours." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, 'Uh ... that was also rehab.'" –Jimmy Fallon

New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. “Well, well, well, look who we have here!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The best part about the defense shield he says the Klingons will pay for it (and now will only say it at home)

Sarah Silverman said she regrets using the n-word in her old comedy specials and now will only say it at home. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump has unveiled plans for a Golden Dome missile defense shield that could cost tens of billions of dollars. The best part about the defense shield he says the Klingons will pay for it. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it! (but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know

what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs

are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the middle of an economic meltdown and you’re getting all philosophical? (the same tagline as season 3 of Squid Game)

Mr. President, now is the time to soothe a worried nation. Donald Trump put this out on social media. "Don't be weak. Don't be stupid. Don't be a ‘Panican’. Which he has termed a new party based on weak and stupid people. Panican? The genius who gave us classics like Sleepy Joe and Crooked Hillary just shit out, you're a Panican? How about Hysterocrats? Repussicans? How about how about Cryontologists? Did the overseas factory you had been sourcing your nicknames from get shut down during the tariff war? —Jon Stewart

President Trump is holding firm, posting on Truth Social, "Only the weak will fail.” What are you doing? Your economic policy has the same tagline as season 3 of Squid Game? That's supposed to make us feel better? —Jon Stewart

Right-wing conservatives are telling us to calm down and not to panic. When did the right become so chill? Aren't you the "Bud Light's turning my kids trans" folks? But in the middle of an economic meltdown and you’re getting all philosophical? —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is one of them president? (The Cycle of Disregard)

Video was released this weekend of a man setting a new world record by eating 200 Peeps in 14 minutes. Unfortunately, the record was for “largest coffin.” –Seth Meyers

Ford announced today it will create 130 new jobs in Michigan. “Is one of them president?” asked Hillary. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story Kamala Harris just bought a fake ID (Well I could always use a translator)

Fireball Whiskey is offering a chance to win a lifetime supply of their product to people over 90. In a related story Kamala Harris just bought a fake ID. —Greg Gutfeld

A naked woman was seen running around Dallas Fort Worth airport yelling “I speak all languages." "Well I could always use a translator," said Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The working poor are the major philanthropists of our society (I've had the same pack since 1975)

"I was so drunk I walked into a gay bar. It was terrible. There were fifteen guys for every guy."--Rodney Dangerfield

"I have been trying to quit smoking. My wife and I made an agreement that we would only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1975." --Rodney Dangerfield

"I drink too much. I gave the doctor a urine sample and there was an olive in it."--Rodney Dangerfield

"My mother never breastfed me. She always had a headache."--Rodney Dangerfield

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nancy Pelosi is hoping she can recover her luggage (now I'll never be able to serve)

Defense secretary Pete Hegseth is considering banning beards in the military. Uh, now I'll never be able to serve said Rashida Tlaib. —Greg Gutfeld

A shipwreck from 1892 has been found on the bottom of Lake Superior. Nancy Pelosi is hoping she can recover her luggage. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”