See, now it's just part of the job (he then sublet it to Halliburton)

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts (Now, maybe you can not invade Portland)

“All 20 Israeli hostages are home after 738 days in captivity. Almost 2,000 Palestinian prisoners and detainees have been released. And while we are only in the first phase of what will undoubtedly be a long and tricky process, the fact is the bombing has stopped, the hostages have been released, and Trump deserves some of the praise for that. And so, I know it sounds crazy to say, but good work on that one, President Trump. Now, maybe you can not invade Portland. Just an idea. I mean, while you’re on a roll. ” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Photos emerged of Katy Perry making out with Justin Trudeau on a yacht. I’ve been wondering how Canada was going to exact their revenge for the tariffs, and this is it. They’re taking our women. They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us? (We're here to talk to you about your tweets)

"The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's buttocks, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away. They're out there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

after years of touching Canada (They blamed others)

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson, May 2009

"It's Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families." –Craig Ferguson

"The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it's Epstein Files Not Released Day...Again (b*** plug night)

Geese have reportedly caused a popular beach in Finland to be covered in a shocking amount of poop. Define a shocking amount of poop said Biden’s night nurse. —Greg Gutfeld

Some pervert threw a green dildo on the court during a WNBA game. Fans were shocked because it was butt plug night. —Greg Gutfeld

American Eagle stock has gone way up since airing the Sydney Sweeney jeans commercial. Also up. Boners. —Greg Gutfeld

Singer Katy Perry was spotted on a date with Canada’s former Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Who knew she was a lesbian? —Greg Gutfeld

In a recent poll, men struggled to name a masculine leader in the democratic party except Obama. Causing pollsters to ask, which one? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he ain't missing that (good hair and a soul)

Amazon is raising the price of its prime membership by $20. Which sounds like a lot, until you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper. --Jimmy Fallon

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain't missing that." –Jimmy Fallon

The royal family just announced the name of William and Kate's newborn son, Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn't decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How else are we gonna pay back the money we stole from you? (There was a young man from Nantucket)

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson

"It's groundbreaking to have a poetry slam in the White House. It's never happened before. I think Dick Cheney once held a torture slam. 'There was a young man from Nantucket. I put his head in a bucket.'" --Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The guy's been up since 2004 (Everyone is so pretty today)

"PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.'" –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he's taking a leave of absence, and of course he's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The opposite of what America does (Medical cares)

Donald Trump has a poor reputation in Canada, which he has antagonized by referring to it as the “51st state”. Congrats, Donald. You turned the most polite country on Earth into an enemy. This is like getting a handwritten letter from Mr Rogers that says: ‘Hey neighbor, I’m going to burn your f*cking house down.’ —Seth Meyers

But “the friendly attitude didn’t last long” as Trump kept insisting that Canada would join the US as the 51st state, because Canadians would enjoy a “free military” and “tremendous medical cares”. “Medical cares? Oh yeah, I’m sure Canadians are jonesing to give up their free universal healthcare with cheap prescription drugs in exchange for American – what did you call it again? Medical cares? A system where you pay a thousand bucks a month for the privilege of filling out credit card forms when you’re still in the back of the ambulance?” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s absurd to have “marijuana” and “schedule” in the same sentence (somehow it hit Jeb Bush)

At a campaign event in Wisconsin yesterday, a 16-year-old boy threw an egg at Donald Trump but missed. And I can’t quite explain it, but somehow it hit Jeb Bush. –Seth Meyers

The DEA has announced that by the middle of the year they may decide to remove marijuana from its Schedule 1 category of dangerous drugs. Because, let’s face it, it’s absurd to have “marijuana” and “schedule” in the same sentence. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t agree with Trump on much, but yeah, they screwed you (Dave’s weird friend)

“Trump has fully turned Canada – yeah, that Canada – into an enemy. He’s threatening military force to annex Greenland, he signed an order directing his vice-president to remove ‘wokeness’ from the National Zoo and he’s mad about a portrait at the Colorado state capitol that isn’t sufficiently flattering. On that last point, I don’t agree with Trump on much, but yeah, they fucked you.” —Seth Meyers

National security adviser Mike Waltz’s played the blame game for the Signal group chat used to discuss sensitive military plans for strikes in Yemen. Speaking to Fox News, Waltz claimed that the number for Jeffrey Goldberg, The Atlantic editor he invited to the chat, just got “sucked in” to his phone. It just got ‘sucked in’ is a terrible answer when your title is national security adviser. It’s not even a good answer if your title is Dave’s weird friend. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This Country Is Out Of Order (They just disagreed on where to have the party)

An upcoming book claims that Kamala Harris's aids were fully prepared for Joe Biden to die while in office. They just disagreed on where to have the party. —Greg Gutfeld

In response to upcoming tariffs Canadian Premier Doug Ford vowed to quote "inflict as much pain as possible on Americans." So I guess we should expect a new Nickelback album coming out soon. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada (an hour of questions)

It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It’s exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada. –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, after 64 days in office today, President Biden held his very first press conference. Normally, when a 78-year-old answers an hour of questions, they’re getting a physical.” —Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump became a grandfather again yesterday. However, Trump says he won't visit his new grandson until he learns to speak English. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which raises the question, when did Kamala Harris move to Florida? (I miss Obama)

After stealing an ambulance a Florida resident paused to finish a beer before surrendering to police. Which raises the question, when did Kamala Harris move to Florida? —Greg Gutfeld

Whoopi Goldberg said that any cast member of The View could find themselves being deported. Luckily for them ICE can't legally deport livestock. —Greg Gutfeld

In response to the trade war Canadians want to block US access to Canadian-owned Pornhub, which would cripple some of our most successful American companies, like Kleenex. —Greg Gutfeld

A New York City man was seen calmly eating a dead rat on a busy sidewalk. Now it's good to see Don Lemon still enjoys outdoor dining. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will never have to take Viagra again (Jeb Bush's spirit)

It came out that Donald Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is how he ended up with all those kids (explain soccer)

President Trump addressed a joint session of Congress and claimed that no president has changed government faster than him. Yeah, and nobody changed airport security faster than bin Laden. —Michael Che

President Trump also said that he signed an executive order to ban men from playing in women's sports. But if men aren't allowed to play women's sports, explain soccer. —Michael Che

President Trump said the tariff on goods from Canada is to stop the flow of fentanyl, even though last year only 40 pounds of the drug was seized at the northern border. 40 pounds? What's that like? Two butt fulls? —Michael Che

On Thursday, Elon Musk's SpaceX Starship exploded just minutes into its mission, which is how he ended up with all those kids. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sounds like someone’s getting ready to have a pretty crazy Super Bowl party (And get this... tickets are still available!)

Officials in California are looking for thieves who stole nearly $50,000 worth of bull semen. Sounds like someone’s getting ready to have a pretty crazy Super Bowl party. –Conan O’Brien

The preserved forearm of a 16th century saint is on a tour across Canada. And get this... tickets are still available! --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All they have to do is learn how to pronounce about (I'm shocked Obama wasn't given an Oscar)

Donald Trump met with the prime minister of India and pressed him to lower their tariffs toward the US. Trump even offered to throw in Anna Navarro since in India cows are sacred. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump said that Canada is a very serious contender to be our 51st state. All they have to do is learn how to pronounce about. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”