Look, I can't have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down. (It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you)

"Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample." –Jay Leno

"Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can. To be fair, it's not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you." –Jay Leno

"John Edwards has admitted to having an affair, but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that work? What, was Edwards running late that day? Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can't have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It contains sea life that has inspired some of our most breathtaking screensavers (Congratulations, Georgey!)

"John Edwards' departure leaves the Democratic nomination down to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, which means that the Founding Fathers finally have a winner in their 'How Long Will It Take Our Nation To Nominate A Non-White Male' betting pool. Oh, I can't wait to find out who is the winner. Ladies and gentlemen, George Mason of Virginia correctly guessed 219 years. Congratulations, Georgey!" --Jon Stewart

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest protected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands National Monument. The preserve is larger than all of America's national parks combined. It contains sea life that has inspired some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Hey, that's my campaign slogan (he will do everything he can to knock them up)

"Apple announced the iPhone 6 today, which they say has a more durable screen that won't crack or scratch as easily. Or as your kids put it, 'Challenge accepted!' Apple promised less cracking. Then Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, 'Hey, that's my campaign slogan.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Football started tonight with the Denver Broncos playing their first game since Peyton Manning retired. Trevor Siemian took his place and before kickoff, Peyton put his arm around Trevor's shoulder, looked into his eyes and said, "You know, starting today, you can get two medium Papa John's pizzas for $6." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut (maybe someone will set her up with O.J.)

"Here's what we know about Ann Coulter. She's blonde, she's single, and well, maybe someone will set her up with O.J." --David Letterman

"Earlier tonight, another big Democratic debate in Ohio. And the format for this one was a little different. Both candidates were sitting on dunk tanks." --David Letterman

John Edwards also dropped out of the race today. He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut." --David Letterman

 

"They say John McCain is 71, but people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the Wagon Train was attacked." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true! (We'd like someplace quiet)

"While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno

"Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to John McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn't it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? 'We'd like someplace quiet.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, and listen to this. It happened yet again last month. A Georgia couple showed up a day early for a tour at the White House — you know, just regular folks. Showed up to tour the White House, somehow wound up in an invitation-only breakfast with President Obama and the First Lady. Isn't that amazing? The only two people that couldn't get in the White House this year were John McCain and Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He gets up to leave the room when Ben-Gay commercials come on (their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis)

"It's true, John McCain's running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien

 

"At a press conference in Kansas the other day President Bush was asked if he had seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' He said, no, he doesn't like westerns where the cowboys go into town for a day spa. George W. Bush is an old fashioned guy. He gets up to leave the room when Ben-Gay commercials come on." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was like being on the red carpet when George Clooney shows up (Iraq rememberer)

 

"This chick, Ashley Dupre, is everywhere. I swear to God,

she won 'American Idol.' The last person to get this famous

for f------ some idiot was Kevin Federline." --Bill Maher

"Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. I will miss Rudy

Giuliani as a comedian. I will miss the arguments he had

with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume

debating a mannequin." --Bill Maher

"The good news is on YouTube, the Obama speech now is

getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. The bad

news is that it's still far behind the footage of Spitzer's

hooker on 'Girls Gone Wild.'" --Bill Maher

"The other guy who dropped out this week I have the

highest regards for -- John Edwards. That's his platform

that they are running on. He worked his ass off. He never

got enough oxygen with those two show ponies in the race.

It was like being on the red carpet when George Clooney

shows up." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did someone lose public trust after decades of selling lies for the ruling class? (Some problems just take care of themselves)

 

"You know what's interesting? Even though John McCain is the frontrunner tomorrow in the big Super Duper Tuesday thing, the other GOP candidates still sniping at each other. You've been following this? Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Party was united against the poor? What happened?" --Jay Leno

"In fact, when John McCain heard about the John Edwards affair, he said 'Well, thank God I can't get an erection anymore, whew.' Some problems just take care of themselves." --Jay Leno

"Governor Palin announced over the weekend that her 17-year-old unmarried daughter is five months pregnant. Oh, boy, you thought John Edwards was in trouble before, now he's really done it!" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she's got a good conservative voting record, and she doesn't mind eating dinner at 4:30, and that's important (You have to put your foot down)

 

"But, despite that, Republicans think Sarah Palin is a pretty good running mate for McCain. They feel she can bring in women voters, she's got a good conservative voting record, and she doesn't mind eating dinner at 4:30, and that's important." --Jay Leno

"Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno

 

"And speaking of that, President Bush said today that he is very concerned about the acceleration of hostilities in the former Yugoslavia. See, again, I don't think President Bush is really familiar with this region of the world. Like, he said today that violence in Serbia could spread to Suburbia and claim the lives of millions of Suburbanites." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know something, you really got to see her perform live (they ask you to meet the ambulance half way)

 

"It could now be profitable for oil companies to start drilling for oil in Los Angeles again. And once again, I think President Bush doesn't really understand this issue. Like today, he announced the drawing of a contingency plan to invade the San Fernando Valley." --Jay Leno

"And porn star Jenna Jameson is pregnant. Boy, that John Edwards gets around." --Jay Leno

"No, it turns out Ashley Dupre is also a singer. You can hear her song on MySpace. She doesn't have a bad voice. Although, today, the governor said, 'You know something, you really got to see her perform live.'" --Jay Leno

"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still it's a horror. In fact, gas is so expensive in L.A., now when you call 9-1-1, they ask you to meet the ambulance half way." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They just shot it right in his face (Humanitarian Intervention)

"Dick Cheney is having surgery today to relieve his lower back pain. And do you know how they administered the anesthesia? They just shot it right in his face." --Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up." –Jimmy Fallon

House Speaker Paul Ryan was at the airport and didn’t recognize a three-year congresswoman from Massachusetts. And even asked her, “So what do you do?” Ryan realized she was a congresswoman when she answered, “Nothing.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Merriam-Webster says that Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' was the most searched word of the summer. But no matter how hard they tried, Palin's supporters couldn't find the word in the Definitionary or the Wordasaurus." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it. (I just don't think we've found 'The One')

The state of Oregon today became the fourth state to legalize recreational marijuana. In Oregon you can have up to eight ounces of pot in your home. Let's be honest. Most guys in Portland have that much pot in their beards. –Jimmy Kimmel

John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani both today announced they're pulling out of the race for president so they can spend more time with each other. That's really nice. Democrat, Republican, it doesn't matter. It matters that these are two men who are very much in love and they're not ashamed of it." --Jimmy Kimmel

I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.—Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You'd think as governor, you'd at least get to go first (But, like his marriage, he was there in spirit)

"Well, according to The New York Post, delegates at the Democratic convention received information packets with three separate warnings not to drink too much, because they say alcohol has a much stronger effect in higher altitudes. I guess they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards again." --Jay Leno

"According to the FBI wiretap, they had the transcript, Gov. Spitzer was listed as Client No.9. No. 9? He's the governor, who were the eight guys in front of him? You'd think as governor, you'd at least get to go first." --Jay Leno

 

"John Edwards was not at the convention, actually. But, like his marriage, he was there in spirit." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said that he wants to concentrate now on not having to give up his seat in prison (He was horrified to hear that story)

 

"So you gotta be fair. It's not good, some of these girls charged the Eliot Spitzer up to $5,000 an hour. And when he heard that, today Sen. Larry Craig said, 'I would've done the guy for free -- This is more government waste. We can take care of these problems internally.'" --Jay Leno

"John Edwards is continuing his poverty tour around America. Today, he visited a group of people who get their haircut in a place called a 'barber shop.' He was horrified to hear that story." --Jay Leno

 

"Tom DeLay announced he will not seek re-election and is giving up his seat in Congress. He said that he wants to concentrate now on not having to give up his seat in prison." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he's not going to see the film. He said he did go to see 'Ice Age 2: The Meltdown' so he has all the facts about global warming." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal (This is how cons work)

"After that fight the other night between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton at the Democratic debates -- did you watch that? Well, John Edwards said he is proud to represent the grownup wing of the Democratic party. The grownup wing of the Democratic Party? No wonder he's in third place. Talk about a distant minority." --Jay Leno

"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney said yesterday Democrats are not competent to fight the war in Iraq -- coming from a guy who shot at a bird and hit a lawyer." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is hosting Russian President Vladimir Putin at the Bush family compound in Maine this week. They're going fishing and boating. The press is calling it the 'Lobster Summit.' Now, don't confuse that with Paris Hilton's upcoming weekend in Maui. That's called 'Crabfest.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it was his biggest set-back, well, since that squirrel blew a fuse in the popcorn popper (doodyheads)

"John Edwards has a new TV commercial touting him as a tough guy. His wife says he has unbelievable toughness. And he is tough. Like in the ad, sometimes it says he shampoos his hair and then skips conditioner completely." --Jay Leno

"As you know, South Carolina was a big win for Senator McCain, not so much for Huckabee. Yeah, Mike Huckabee, it was his biggest set-back, well, since that squirrel blew a fuse in the popcorn popper." --Jay Leno

"What happened yesterday between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? What was that, high school? Did you see that debate? Remember earlier yesterday, on Martin Luther King Day, they were talking about peace, Dr. King, bringing together, putting aside our differences. That didn't last long, huh? Then the debate turned into, 'You're a doodyhead. No, you're a doodyhead.'" --Jay Leno

 

"The big issue in South Carolina was lost textile jobs. Lost textile jobs. That's why Hillary was so stunned that she came in a distant second. In fact, today she said, 'I've been wearing all of these pantsuits for nothing.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look, I can't have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down. (Had to send an advance man in?)

Hillary Clinton is still doing very well in one state - the

state of denial, ladies and gentlemen. Well, after winning

10 in a row, political experts say there's a very good

chance that Barack Obama could end up as our next

president. See, that shows you the progress we've

made in this country. We can have a black man in

the White House. I remember when we couldn't get

a black man in the cast of 'Friends.'" –Jay Leno

"John Edwards has admitted to having an affair,

but he's denying that he is the father of the woman's

baby. In fact, he says a member of his campaign staff

is the baby's father. Campaign staff, how does that

work? What, was Edwards running late that day?

Huh? Had to send an advance man in? 'Look, I can't

have sex with you. I'm sending Bob down.'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try

and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican

candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls

when you bring in Cheney to help you get your

numbers up?" --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney spent something like $35 million of his

own money. If he loses any more, he may have to

run as a Democrat." -Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When did the Senate become 'The Jerry Springer Show'? (If 2020 was a Presidential Election)

February 2013

"Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become 'The Jerry Springer Show'?" –Jay Leno

"Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he's right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he's going to wind up doing time." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”