You'll feel better about it already (all he had was Swiss Francs)

"And of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already." –Jay Leno

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate (finding something to do in Kansas)

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with "finding something to do in Kansas." --Conan O’Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will never have to take Viagra again (Jeb Bush's spirit)

It came out that Donald Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all he had was Swiss Francs (rock, paper and scissors)

"Former President George W. Bush is now writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions that he had to make as president. He said each decision had three options -- rock, paper and scissors." --Jay Leno

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate (lesser evil voting is killing America)

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs (the absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient)

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"According to Mitt Romney's wife Ann, Mitt may be looking at a woman for Vice President. The bad news? They have John McCain doing the background check. That could be dicey." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, imagine living in a country that would do such a thing (The guy's been up since 2004)

"A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have

used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have

MADE a smartphone." –Conan O'Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

"After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he's taking a leave of absence, and of course he's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (I don't always aim...)

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were

Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the

Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit

edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

They did a study, there's an increase in fatal heart attacks in the three days after we change the clocks. Probably from looking at your watch, realizing you were supposed to have picked up your kid at preschool an hour ago. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden did well with voters over 45, and Bernie Sanders did well with voters under 45. Basically, if you’re a Democrat who’s had a colonoscopy, Joe is your guy.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But all they do is plug your Tesla into the hot dog roller (Kiss me, I'm indicted)

March 2023

“Yeah, everyone's talking about this — following the recent bank crashes, President Biden has asked Congress for more authority to punish bank executives. Then Bernie Sanders picked up some brass knuckles and said, — [As Sanders] ‘Or I can just handle it myself.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some more big news -- I read that law enforcement agencies are preparing for the possibility that, as early as next week, former President Trump could be indicted. Which is why Trump is currently packing for spring break in Switzerland.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I think even Trump knows it's coming because today he was walking around in a green shirt that said, ‘Kiss me, I'm indicted.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, March Madness is in full swing and one of the big upsets, so far, was 15 seed Princeton knocking off number 2 Arizona. Everyone in Princeton was acting pretty cocky and that was even before the game started.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You guys, get this -- 7-Eleven just announced that they are launching a huge new electric vehicle charging network. It's perfect if you've ever been at 7-Eleven and thought, ‘I want to stay here for 60 minutes.’ It sounds high-tech, but all they do is plug your Tesla into the hot dog roller.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's time once again for everyone's favorite game (You’d think he’d just take the carpet)

Some more news out of Washington. The government is spending $24 million to replace two refrigerators on Air Force One. Until then, they’re keeping perishables cold by putting them between Donald and Melania. --Jimmy Fallon

"Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If they approve it, it will finally clear the way for the long-awaited lawsuit of 'cat vs. string.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Even people connected to Donald Trump are taking some heat, like Disney CEO Bob Iger, who’s facing criticism for being part of a Trump advisory committee. Meanwhile, Aladdin has been stuck in customs at JFK since Saturday. You’d think he’d just take the carpet. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS/Let this radicalize you/it’s all about the journey, man!

The Women’s March in Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump’s inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said, “Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS.” –Jimmy Fallon

Two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, ’cuz even their GPS was like, “Forget about the destination – it’s all about the journey, man!” --Jimmy Fallon

According to the National Travel and Tourism Office, tourism is down in America since we elected President Trump. The U.S. tourism industry lost 40,000 jobs and $4.6 billion in revenue since the inauguration. I don’t know why people wouldn’t want to come here, we’re so welcoming to foreigners, starting right at the top. We don’t really need a wall. We already have Trump. Trump is his own wall, in a way. --Jimmy Kimmel

There were lots of protests in Switzerland. One person was holding a sign that said “Dump Trump.” But the president wasn’t mad – he said, “Haha, you spelled Donald wrong.”  --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that (official cause of death was listed as Karma)

"More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs." –Jay Leno

"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket." --Jay Leno

 

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And here's the bad part -- the margin of error was five (Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare)

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

 

"In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. And here's the bad part -- the margin of error was five." --Jay Leno

"An Indiana man has pleaded guilty to strapping four kids to the hood of his car and then driving them around. So it looks like Mitt Romney may have found his running mate." –Jay Leno

"It looks like John McCain has gotten the nod. Of course, McCain getting the nomination, this is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare since the pharmacist said, "We're out of OxyContin." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Haha, you spelled Donald wrong (Mike Pence’s beer helmet)

There were lots of protests in Switzerland. One person was holding a sign that said “Dump Trump.” But the president wasn’t mad – he said, “Haha, you spelled Donald wrong.”  --Jimmy Fallon

Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There's gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE “hold me closer, Tony Danza.”  --Jimmy Fallon

Some big news about the Russian investigation. It came out that Robert Mueller wants to interview President Trump. It’s gonna be awkward when Trump tries to flee to Mexico and can’t climb over his own wall.   --Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, one senator claims they’re only allowed to drink water and milk on the Senate floor. The only other place you’ll see water and milk is in Mike Pence’s beer helmet.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (So he’s been training for this really for his whole life)

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a pretty simple recipe: bottle, kerosene, rag, explode to taste (Work the few employees you have to death)

February 2022

“The Swiss president said, ‘Russia’s attack cannot be accepted regarding international law, this cannot be accepted politically, and this cannot be accepted morally.’ And these are the people who gave Hitler a safe deposit box, so.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“They have frozen Russian assets and closed Swiss airspace, which is helpful. And now not only is Putin in hot water, he’s in hot chocolate too.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“So to recap, Russia has now lost the Taliban and the Swiss. The most and least violent people in the world are united against Russia right now.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Russia’s invasion of Ukraine is a humanitarian crisis, but also it is a triumph of humanity, because despite all of Russia’s military prowess, ordinary people of Ukraine will not back down or bow down. The Ukrainian defense ministry, for example, instructed citizens to make molotov cocktails and released instructions on how to do so. That’s great, but did they really need instructions on making molotov cocktails?” Colbert wondered. It’s a pretty simple recipe: bottle, kerosene, rag, explode to taste.” —Stephen Colbert

“This is like the Dalai Lama grabbin’ a buck knife and an AK and screaming, ‘Kill ’em all! Let the Buddha sort ’em out.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But on the bright side, when was the last time you thought about Covid, huh? (Plenty of rich folks love to fight)

February 2022

“They’re cutting off banking, they’re arming their enemies, and on top of that, airlines are stopping flights to and from Russia, which in my opinion might be one of the worst things. Because I mean the best part about going to Russia is that you can fly out of Russia. Now they don’t even have that.” —Trevor Noah

“Yes, the threat of nuclear annihilation may have increased; yes, we may be on the brink of World War III; and, yes, Europe is once again at the mercy of one power-hungry dictator, but on the bright side, when was the last time you thought about Covid, huh?” —Trevor Noah

“Even famously neutral Switzerland is taking action against Russia. The Swiss don’t get involved in war. They don’t get involved in alliances. My dad didn’t get involved in my life. I would ask him to hug me, and he’d tell me that his official policy was to stay neutral.” — Trevor Noah, whose father is Swiss-German

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets (even I doubt I weigh 239)

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets. –Jimmy Fallon

Remember the kid whose parents said he floated away in a balloon as a hoax in 2009? Well, Balloon Boy has officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. He was like, “What can I say, I'm prone to getting carried away by hot air.” –Jimmy Fallon

"The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had." –Jimmy Fallon

"Voters in Switzerland will decide next month if animals should have the right to be represented by lawyers in court. If they approve it, it will finally clear the way for the long-awaited lawsuit of 'cat vs. string.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Trump actually has two cell phones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ladies.....Quit Laughing (Haha, you spelled Donald wrong)

Elton John just announced that he is going to retire

after his next world tour. There's gonna be a dramatic

moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics

really ARE “hold me closer, Tony Danza.” 

--Jimmy Fallon

There were lots of protests in Switzerland. One person was holding a sign that said “Dump Trump.” But the president wasn’t mad – he said, “Haha, you spelled Donald wrong.”  --Jimmy Fallon

Some big news about the Russian investigation. It came out that Robert Mueller wants to interview President Trump. It’s gonna be awkward when Trump tries to flee to Mexico and can’t climb over his own wall.   --Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, one senator claims they’re only allowed to drink water and milk on the Senate floor. The only other place you’ll see water and milk is in Mike Pence’s beer helmet.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”