I'm afraid he'll make me look too innocent (our entire business model)

President Trump does not want Robert Mueller to testify before congress. I thought you said Mueller exonerated you? Why don't you want him to testify? Meyers as Trump, "I'm afraid he'll make me look too innocent. I have to maintain some of my criminal mystique." --Seth Meyers

A new study suggests that a chemical released when a person is hungry can lead to poor decision-making. It’s what Taco Bell calls “our entire business model.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Magical Wealth Redistribution Machine (especially in states where marijuana is legal)

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

DoorDash is a food delivery service testing out a new method of delivery that uses robots to bring you your food. They’re offering it in California and Washington, D.C., right now. You use your app, you order food, and a robot in some cases will bring it right to you. It even acts surprised when you answer the door naked. It’s an amazing technology. Do [they] warn people that a robot is coming? Because you could open the door and go like, “Oh, my God, there’s a robot here” and potentially it could scare people, especially in states where marijuana is legal. –Jimmy Kimmel

The only way that Trump could be happier with the Mueller Report is if a porn star rolled it up and spanked him with it. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll keep that in mind if I’m ever innocent (Miller time)

After President Trump attacked Special Counsel Robert Mueller in the Russia investigation on Twitter, Republican Rep. Trey Gowdy said, “When you are innocent, act like it.” Said Trump, “I’ll keep that in mind if I’m ever innocent.” --Seth Meyers

Police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as “Miller time.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you’re a congressman who has to ask if you’re on it — you’re on it (creep list)

Last night was the Christmas tree lighting in Rockefeller Center. Did you see that? It was beautiful. And this year's tree has over 50,000 lights, which explains why NBC just told me I can't use a hair dryer for the next month. --Jimmy Fallon

It's big news. Michael Cohen was one of Trump's closest allies, and now he's working with Robert Mueller. I'm not saying Trump's running out of friends, but today he asked Rosie O'Donnell if she wanted to get lunch. --Jimmy Fallon

Another big story right now is this Roy Moore scandal. And get this — there’s apparently a “creep list” of men in Congress known for inappropriate sexual behavior. And if you’re a congressman who has to ask if you’re on it — you’re on it. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Second worst (Foreplay)

“Well, after the hearing, Donald Trump said Mueller’s

performance was, quote, ‘one of the worst performances in

the history of the country.’ And then Stormy Daniels was like,

‘Second worst.’” --Jimmy Fallon

"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon

The International Olympic Committee is officially recognizing ultimate Frisbee, which means it might actually be in the next Olympics. They say ultimate Frisbee will be the first Olympic sport where athletes are disqualified for NOT testing positive for drugs. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there (I’ll have a grand jury, side of bacon)

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox was on CNN this morning, and he seemed to express his feelings once again about Trump’s border wall pretty clearly: [clip of Fox] “Well, you can use my words, we’ll never play for that [bleeping] wall.” Trump was like, “So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there.” –Jimmy Fallon

ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of “The Little Mermaid” because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours. –Jimmy Fallon

But the big story is that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is bringing evidence before a grand jury for the Russia investigation. Trump was confused, because he thought a grand jury was something you order at Denny’s. “I’ll have a grand jury, side of bacon.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Paranoia and Ads for Cialis (We’re back, baby!)

Fox News is dropping its famous tagline, “Fair and Balanced.” Fox News is swapping it for the more accurate tagline, “Paranoia and Ads for Cialis.” –Conan O’Brien

Experts say that if President Trump were to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, “Thursday.” –Conan O’Brien

A United Airlines employee is under fire for pushing over a 71-year-old passenger. Or as the CEO of United put it, “We’re back, baby!” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They also apologized for airing footage of Ted Cruz, period. (Well, at least THEY do stuff together)

President Trump said this afternoon that he will adopt a "war-like posture" if House Democrats move to investigate him personally. That's right. He's going to develop bone spurs in his feet. --Seth Meyers

MSNBC apologized last night for airing footage of Democratic Senate candidate Beto O'Rourke cursing. They also apologized for airing footage of Ted Cruz, period. --Seth Meyers

According to NBC News, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has gathered enough evidence to charge former national security adviser Michael Flynn and his son as part of the Russia investigation. “Well, at least THEY do stuff together,” yelled Eric. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm afraid he'll make me look too innocent. I have to maintain some of my criminal mystique (And not 2,000 years too soon)

Pope Francis has announced new rules designed to change how the Catholic Church deals with abuse accusations. And not 2,000 years too soon. --Seth Meyers

According to The Wall Street Journal, during a recent informal four-hour practice session for an interview with special counsel Robert Mueller, President Trump's lawyers were only able to walk him through two questions. To be fair, No. 3 was when they started to get tough. "And what's your third child's name?" "Oh, no, oh. Oh, I'm screwed. I want to say it's not Barney." --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump does not want Robert Mueller to testify before congress. I thought you said Mueller exonerated you? Why don't you want him to testify? Meyers as Trump, "I'm afraid he'll make me look too innocent. I have to maintain some of my criminal mystique." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly (He still holds a narrow lead over "Not Sure")

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson put out a new alarm clock app today which includes a feature that will sync with The Rock's calendar so fans can wake up at the same time as him. After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly. –Seth Meyers

A source has told Axios that President Trump is triggered by the leaks about special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation, and his instinct is always to be on the offensive. So yeah, it’s not a real good time to meet with the leader of North Korea. Before he leaves, let's also give him a bunch of Red Bull and remind him Hillary won the popular vote. --Seth Meyers

Indiana is holding its primary today, and Donald Trump is currently leading Ted Cruz by 15 points. While John Kasich still holds a narrow lead over "Not Sure." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll keep that in mind if I’m ever innocent ("No, we’re not," said your microwave)

After President Trump attacked Special Counsel Robert Mueller in the Russia investigation on Twitter, Republican Rep. Trey Gowdy said, “When you are innocent, act like it.” Said Trump, “I’ll keep that in mind if I’m ever innocent.” --Seth Meyers

"On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had the power to 'see the future,' and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn't have run for president in 2012." –Seth Meyers

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting an office in the White House in addition to security clearance and government-issued communication devices. Even more unbelievable, so is Donald Trump. –Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that a majority of Americans believe the government is spying on them. "No, we’re not," said your microwave. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The real headline should have read, “Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude.” (I can't with this guy. I quit. No more. I'm out. Done.)

President Trump was back at it this morning criticizing Special Counsel Robert Mueller's Russia investigation. And he did it with a tweet riddled with errors. [shows tweet with six errors highlighted] Even for Donald Trump, there were a lot of typos. I mean, at this point even Trump's autocorrect is like, “I can't with this guy. I quit. No more. I'm out. Done.”  --James Corden

A headline in The Metro reads, “Naked Man Crashes Car Then Leads Police On Bizzare Nude Foot Chase.” That was their headline. The real headline should have read, “Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude.” --James Corden

As the Russia investigation moves forward, Trump and his legal team have submitted documents in writing in the hopes that Trump's interview under oath will be shorter. Sources say Trump's attorneys are worried he would be vulnerable in a long interview. It's never a good sign when your attorneys are like, "You need to meet us halfway here because my client can't go 10 minutes without lying." --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have a joke about Trickle Down Economics (they have a better track record on women's issues)

A new home has been found for some geese in Kailua, Hawaii. Some private landowners wanted the geese off their property, but there was a public outcry after an exterminator had been sent to kill all the ducks and geese on Enchanted Lake. It might be time to reassess your career choices when you’re waking up in the morning and saying, “Well, time to kill everything on Enchanted Lake.” --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, the Trump Administration announced that the entire Affordable Care Act should be struck down, including protections for people with pre-existing conditions. Yes, now that he’s free of the Mueller investigation, Trump can focus on his real enemies - the living. --Stephen Colbert

"The Army is pulling out of Rush Limbaugh. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The girl was going to spend the night in jail, but got out of it by rolling doubles (all it did was made them impossible to arrest)

A Kansas man received stitches over the weekend after he was hit by his cousin's girlfriend during a game of Monopoly. The girl was going to spend the night in jail, but got out of it by rolling doubles. --Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia have announced they will not grease light poles ahead of the Super Bowl because the grease did not deter people from climbing poles following the NFC championship game. In fact, all it did was made them impossible to arrest. --Seth Meyers

It's not often that a single event sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday, we got one that came pretty close. Remember, Donald Trump brags that he only hires the best people, calls the Russia investigation a hoax, calls CNN fake news, and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay. So it was especially ironic when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel in the Russia investigation, and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN. The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trust me, he doesn't know when someone is faking it (their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face)

But Trump’s lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, the lawyer said, “That means ‘bad,’ Mr. President.” [imitates Trump] “Oh, I’m sorry – I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people.” --Jimmy Fallon

Of course, Trump’s been practicing his State of the Union speech ahead of time. While Mike Pence and Paul Ryan are practicing their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face. --Jimmy Fallon

Tickets to the State of the Union had to be reprinted after they originally said State of the "Uniom." Even the guy who sent out that false missile alert in Hawaii was like, "How do you mess that up?" --Jimmy Fallon

After Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer got emotional while protesting Trump's travel ban, Trump accused him of fake crying. Then Melania said, "Trust me, he doesn't know when someone is faking it." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money (I’m like, freakin’ out, man!)

Speaking of comebacks, a pretty big sports story here. WWE chairman Vince McMahon announced that he is bringing back his football league, the XFL. XFL fans were like, ‘What a day! ‘Murphy Brown’ and now this! I’m like, freakin’ out, man!” --Jimmy Fallon

We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn't go to church much because he was like, "I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money." –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. That will get off to a weird start when Trump is told “Raise your right hand” and he goes, “My right or your right?” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

His time-tested political strategy: Be so boring people forget you exist (An attitude we in the Biz call “The Melania.”)

Word is, Trump’s pick for Attorney General, William Barr, having already been Attorney General, doesn’t feel a particular ambition for the job. But he’ll take it. An attitude we in the Biz call “The Melania.” --Stephen Colbert

Michael Cohen’s lawyers argued that in exchange for his cooperation with Robert Mueller, Cohen should be spared prison for crimes he committed in an “abundance of enthusiasm for Trump.” So unlike the women he paid off for Trump, Cohen wasn’t faking it. --Stephen Colbert

Earlier this week Trump hosted a 2020 strategy meeting with his advisers. Among the topics discussed was whether Mike Pence should remain on the ticket. If he gets dropped, that will be a major failure of Mike Pence’s time-tested political strategy: Be so boring people forget you exist. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To be, or not to be . . . Wait, what was the question? (Second worst)

Nintendo fans are worried about Mario’s brother, Luigi, because in a trailer for a new game, he appears as a ghost. They said 30 years of jumping “groin-first” into a flagpole must’ve finally caught up to him. --Jimmy Fallon

A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: “To be, or not to be . . . Wait, what was the question?” –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, after the hearing, Donald Trump said Mueller’s performance was, quote, ‘one of the worst performances in the history of the country.’ And then Stormy Daniels was like, ‘Second worst.’” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit (Or as Trump calls that, “Thursday.”)

Oprah has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. When asked about Hillary’s chances of becoming the most powerful woman in the world, Oprah said, "Oh, I’m not stepping down." –Conan O’Brien

Today Jeb Bush announced he's running for president on Snapchat. By using Snapchat, Bush's message will disappear after 10 seconds just like the excitement over his campaign.—Conan O’Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit." –Conan O'Brien

Experts say that if President Trump were to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, “Thursday.” –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor (melted crayons and marmalade)

The president didn't get a subpoena today, at least not from Robert Mueller. He did get a fresh new lawsuit filed against him. The New York attorney general filed suit against Donald Trump, Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, and Donald Trump Jr. for persistently illegal conduct by the Trump Foundation, their charity organization. The suit alleges that the Trumps misused their nonprofit to pay business debts and campaign expenses, which is not allowed. The attorney general says Trump's kids were collecting money despite doing no discernible work for it — which, in fairness to them, that's what they do, that's their job. They collect money in exchange for being born. The board of directors for the charity hadn't even met in 19 years. Trump himself hadn't made a contribution to his own foundation, the Trump Foundation, in 10 years. Most foundations of this type are supported almost entirely by the person they're named after. It's important to remember, though, this foundation isn't the foundation he puts on his face every morning. That is made of melted crayons and marmalade. This is a different thing. --Jimmy Kimmel

Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market. And Rodman brought two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”