I finally got it (It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes)

In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump spoke in favor of waterboarding. Trump said, "It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes." –Conan O’Brien

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Make Jobs, Not War (So, where's the lama?)

"Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Samuel Alito. It's pretty interesting. Democrats want to know his position on privacy, while Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama today at the White House. Another awkward moment. When the Dalai Lama showed up, Bush said, 'So, where's the lama?'" --Jay Leno

 

"Hey, John McCain is moving up in the polls. In fact, he appears to be getting support from younger voters. How young you say? Well, yesterday, he was endorsed by Nancy Reagan. She said she's either going to endorse McCain or nobody. Well, that's got to make you feel good, huh?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler (the guy who invented the penny)

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it." –Conan O’Brien

Volkswagen's settlement for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler." –Conan O’Brien

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Western media is mercilessly using it against their own people (You mean I could have just bought it?)

"Actually, to win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." –Jay Leno

"According to the real estate Website Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man's a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don't call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected (So, where's the lama?)

"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama today at the White House. Another awkward moment. When the Dalai Lama showed up, Bush said, 'So, where's the lama?'" --Jay Leno

"Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are 'legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.' The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it (So finally, a reason to watch porn)

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it." –Conan O’Brien

A new porn site is donating a penny to charity each time someone watches one of their porn videos. So finally, a reason to watch porn. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Democrats said the committee investigating Hillary Clinton’s involvement with Benghazi was a "witch hunt." Hillary tried to respond, but just then a house fell on her. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door (I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes)

"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman

“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” –David Letterman

"The Dalai Lama was down at the White House today to meet President Obama. Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

finding something to do in Kansas (Either way, you win.)

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with "finding something to do in Kansas." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Western media is mercilessly using it against its own people (Loving, Touching, Squeezing)

"In a speech, Russian president Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. for being 'genderless and infertile.' My question is: How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my Match.com profile?"  –Conan O'Brien

"A group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain travelers as they go through security. It's not helping that the only song they sing is Journey's 'Loving, Touching, Squeezing.'" –Conan O'Brien

A study has confirmed that eating less increases your lifespan. The study goes on to advise the residents of Wisconsin to get their affairs in order. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Aaron Judge is now the only person who can afford a beer in Yankee Stadium (the rest of the team is now getting paid in crypto)

December 2022

“Yankees superstar Aaron Judge has decided to stay in New York, agreeing to a nine-year, $360 million contract. When he heard that, Babe Ruth said, ‘What the hell? I got paid in peanuts and Cracker Jacks.’” —Jimmy Fallon

 “$360 million for Aaron Judge. Today, Judge walked into the owner's office and said, ‘You’re in my seat.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Aaron Judge is now the only person who can afford a beer in Yankee Stadium.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The good news is, Judge got $360 million. The bad news is, the rest of the team is now getting paid in crypto.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was also the name of my favorite R&B group in the 90s (which I heard is the definition of..something?)

November 2022

After meeting with the Anti-Defamation League, Kyrie Irving announced that from now on he will pretend to not be  antisemitic. —Michael Che

Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving was suspended after he tweeted a link to the antisemitic film Hebrews to Negroes: Wake Up Black America. Coincidentally, Hebrews II Negroes was also the name of my favorite R&B group in the 90s. —Michael Che

Kanye West was suspended from Instagram again for posting a disparaging message about Jewish people. It seems like he’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which I heard is the definition of..something? —Michael Che

New York City is now requiring employers to disclose salary ranges in all job listings. Employers must list everything ranging from the top salary all the way down to the female salary. —Michael Che

Tensions are on the rise after North Korea launched more than 20 missiles into the ocean and all because The Little Mermaid is black. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Five People You Meet in Hell (This confirms it. That's proof. He DID sleep with her)

"It's been reported that former Vice President Dick Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien

The wife of Donald Trump’s ethics adviser was caught having sex in a car with a prison inmate. Can you believe that? Donald Trump has an ethics adviser. –Conan O’Brien

You probably heard that Stormy Daniels' book is out. Stormy Daniels has written a memoir and she describes sex with Trump as the "least impressive sex" she's ever had. Once she heard this, Melania Trump said, "This confirms it. That's proof. He DID sleep with her." --Conan O’Brien

The charity organization Oxfam is renting out President Trump’s childhood home to refugees. It’s pretty cool; they’ve already rented out a room to a refugee on the run named “Melania.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it (So finally, a reason to watch porn)

A new porn site is donating a penny to charity each time someone watches one of their porn videos. So finally, a reason to watch porn. –Conan O’Brien

Volkswagen's settlement for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler." –Conan O’Brien

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you? (Don't Just Lay There)

President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. The first ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama is in the news. The Dalai Lama is threatening to resign from his position as the spiritual leader of Tibet. When asked why, the Dalai Lama said, 'I promised myself I'd quit the moment it stopped being fun.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I love all living things, but that guy was a dick (Their warm up spill)

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

"All the world leaders are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Yesterday, President Bush met with President Valdis Zatlers of Latvia, President Festus Gontebanye Mogae of Botswana and President Jakaya Kikwete of Tanzania. Or, as Bush calls them, 'Buddy, Slim and Big Guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was supposed to testify last week, but he just got there (the source of all global warming in America)

"The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him." –Jay Leno

"China is outraged at the United States for honoring the Dalai Lama at the White House. They're pretty mad. I hope they don't try to get back at us, you know, like maybe putting lead in our toys or anti-freeze in our toothpaste." --Jay Leno

"Former FEMA director Michael Brown is testifying before a Senate panel today. He was supposed to testify last week, but he just got there." --Jay Leno

"Here's some great news, today they found the source of all global warming in America -- New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's pants." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But no one mentioned that their banana bread is delicious, to die for (Casual Friday)

"I don't really care how you want to sing 'The Star-Spangled Banner,' just don't play it on your car horn." --Bill Maher, on the Spanish-language national anthem

"On the peaceful side of the equation, the Dalai Lama is coming to the United States next week. He's going to get the Congressional Medal of Honor, and meet with President Bush. He is going to, of course, be wearing his famous flowing orange robes. Nothing religious about that, he just doesn't want to get shot by Cheney." --Bill Maher

"Well President Bush was everywhere this week, wasn't he? He doesn't give a press conference for three years and now we can't get him to shut-up. And, of course, he was blaming the troubles in Iraq on the media, saying 'they're not reporting the good news.' Maybe that's true. For example, today in Baghdad, it was widely reported that gunmen killed four workers in a bakery. But no one mentioned that their banana bread is delicious, to die for." --Bill Maher

"There was yet another closeted gay Republican in the news. A state representative from the state of Washington got caught paying for sex at an adult book store while he was on a legislative retreat. Is that what they're calling it now? He was dressed as a woman in red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. Or, as Rudy Giuliani calls it, Casual Friday." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You went onstage and did what at an awards show? (damned if you do, Ted Cruz if you don’t)

“Obviously, Chris Rock did not deserve to be slapped in the face for a joke. Will’s point of view is he was defending his wife, and that’s a tough position to be in because it’s damned if you do, Ted Cruz if you don’t.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“To me, there’s only one more step to make this right: the Comedy Central roast of Will Smith, hosted by Chris Rock.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And by the way, no one did anything. A whole roomful of people, no one lifted a finger. Spider-Man was there, Aquaman was there, Catwoman, all sitting on their hands. No one helped Chris Rock. We will never stop talking about this. It was so shocking. The only thing I can really compare it to is when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ears. Even Kanye was like, ‘You went onstage and did what at an awards show?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Shut up, we need this! (Friend of yours?)

The world’s most expensive Lego brick, made out of 14 karat gold, just sold online for $15,000. The new owner says he’s pleased to add it to his collection and it just got vacuumed up by his mom. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump went on a tour of the African American Museum with Ben Carson. Things got awkward at each exhibit, when Trump would turn to Carson and say, “Friend of yours?” –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Sarah Palin looked at notes written on her hand during a speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Isn't that wild? Oddly enough, she was reading, 'Hi, I'm Sarah Palin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Well, you guys, McDonald's shamrock shake is back. Some people said, "Eh, it's a little early." While Americans are like, "Shut up, we need this!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a pretty simple recipe: bottle, kerosene, rag, explode to taste (Work the few employees you have to death)

February 2022

“The Swiss president said, ‘Russia’s attack cannot be accepted regarding international law, this cannot be accepted politically, and this cannot be accepted morally.’ And these are the people who gave Hitler a safe deposit box, so.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“They have frozen Russian assets and closed Swiss airspace, which is helpful. And now not only is Putin in hot water, he’s in hot chocolate too.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“So to recap, Russia has now lost the Taliban and the Swiss. The most and least violent people in the world are united against Russia right now.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Russia’s invasion of Ukraine is a humanitarian crisis, but also it is a triumph of humanity, because despite all of Russia’s military prowess, ordinary people of Ukraine will not back down or bow down. The Ukrainian defense ministry, for example, instructed citizens to make molotov cocktails and released instructions on how to do so. That’s great, but did they really need instructions on making molotov cocktails?” Colbert wondered. It’s a pretty simple recipe: bottle, kerosene, rag, explode to taste.” —Stephen Colbert

“This is like the Dalai Lama grabbin’ a buck knife and an AK and screaming, ‘Kill ’em all! Let the Buddha sort ’em out.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”