Then he realized he just got drunk and watched The Wizard of Oz (open minds)

An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.” –Conan O’Brien

SpaceX is planning to build a Mars rocket right here in Los Angeles. The voyage to Mars will take nine months, but eight of those months will be spent just getting out of L.A. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza (They found it in a tomb)

Archaeologists have uncovered an elixir of immortality in a 2000 year old Chinese tomb. Though, I do have suspicions this elixir of immortality may not work. First hint? They found it in a tomb. --Stephen Colbert

Macron brought a gift for Trump, a young oak tree. And yesterday, Trump and Macron planted it on the White House lawn together. All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body. --Stephen Colbert

One adult video website announced it would donate snow removal services to several cities in the Northeast because it wants to “plow Boston.” Very generous. Very, very generous. I’m not sure I trust the porn industry with city services. I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot (Wheel of Giants)

An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot — intelligence. –Conan O’Brien

Archaeologists in Israel have discovered an ancient formation as old as Stonehenge that’s known as the "Wheel of Giants." They claim that ancient locals used to gather around the wheel nightly and purchase vowels. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the first time that "rock," "oldest" and "stone" have been used in the same sentence without mentioning Mick Jagger (Hey, great advice!)

Archaeologists in South Africa have discovered what they say is the world's oldest drawing. Experts think the crude, simple drawing on a rock was created more than 70,000 years ago. And probably during the world's first extremely boring work meeting. While a bunch of starving cavemen were off fighting a saber-toothed tiger, one guy was like, "Hey is it cool if I take a personal day to hang back and work on my art?" The rock features the world's oldest known drawing found on a stone. This is historic, because it's the first time that "rock," "oldest" and "stone" have been used in the same sentence without mentioning Mick Jagger. --James Corden

Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh continues to face opposition. It's gotten so bad that Ivanka Trump has told her father to "cut bait" and nominate someone else. Ivanka said it's a lost cause, and it's better to just let him go and start fresh with someone new — to which Melania said, "Hey, great advice!" --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit (his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff”)

Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit. –Conan O’Brien

An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.” –Conan O’Brien

A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sweet, I love magic! (Mayans 24, New York Jets 0)

In an interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump’s stories always crying? You’re bragging that when people see you, they just like burst into tears, because it never sounds like excited crying. Like when teenagers see BTS. It sounds more like scared crying like when hostages see Jigsaw. —Colin Jost

Senator Diane Feinstein who is 89 is facing calls to resign from fellow democrats. But unfortunately, Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler. —Colin Jost

Conservative judges and pundits defended Clarence Thomas saying his deals with Harlan Crow are not corrupt because Crow had no business before the court. But, come on. Does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn’t want them to overturn Roe vs Wade? He looks like he’s on a pamphlet called ‘Why you have to keep it.’ —Colin Jost

Archeologists have discovered a one thousand year old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game. The score was Mayans 24, New York Jets Zero. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, I think it’s safe to say, Trust Revoked (So they’ve narrowed the problem to things he’s done)

And the House democrats aren’t messing around. They’ve sent document requests to 81 people and entities, including the Trump campaign, the Trump Foundation, the Trump Organization, the Trump Transition, and something called the Donald J. Trump Revocable Trust. Well, I think it’s safe to say, Trust Revoked. --Stephen Colbert

Archaeologists have uncovered an elixir of immortality in a 2000 year old Chinese tomb. Though, I do have suspicions this elixir of immortality may not work. First hint? They found it in a tomb. --Stephen Colbert

Today brought President Trump a new reason to freak out, when House Judiciary chairman Jerry Nadler announced a sweeping investigation into President Trump’s campaign, businesses, transition and administration. So they’ve narrowed the problem to things he’s done. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are we celebrating? I just spent 114 years in New Jersey. (Now you do me)

The oldest living American, a New Jersey woman, has just turned 114. At her birthday party she said, “Why are we celebrating? I just spent 114 years in New Jersey.” –Conan O’Brien

"In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'" –Conan O'Brien

Archaeologists in Israel have discovered an ancient formation as old as Stonehenge that’s known as the "Wheel of Giants." They claim that ancient locals used to gather around the wheel nightly and purchase vowels. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for (I didn't even know Pluto had oil)

"NASA launched its first-ever mission to Pluto, did you see this? The rocket took off to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil." -Jay Leno

"Some of the other Oscar-nominated movies people are talking about, George Clooney's film, 'Good Night, and Good Luck.' If you haven't seen it, it's about the Bush's Medicare plan for the elderly." --Jay Leno

 

"And archaeologists are now saying that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked these same researchers to analyze his Presidency." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s right, there would be enormous pleasure in seeing less of his face (a sock puppet with a nice set of cans)

“Trump visited a plant in Michigan and refused to wear a mask. The attorney general in Michigan said Trump had a legal, social and moral responsibility to wear one when he visited the plant. So of course, he didn’t.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“OK, you lost him at legal. And social. And moral. And responsibility. Next time, try delivering your message via sock puppet with a nice set of cans.” —Stephen Colbert

“Oh my God, what’s it going to take? Just fill the mask with Skittles and strap it on his face like a feed bag. [as Trump] ‘Can I get a new mask? This one has only purples left.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Asked about his decision to not wear a mask, Trump said he did wear one in the back area but that ‘he didn’t want to give the press the power of seeing it.’ He’s right, there would be enormous pleasure in seeing less of his face.” —Stephen Colbert

“Earlier this week, Trump tweeted a threat to withhold funding from Nevada and Michigan for mailing out voter applications, which is legal and which states have done for years, citing misleading and unproven ‘voter fraud’. The brazen threat demonstrates how “just five months after he got impeached for withholding funding from Ukraine lest they interfere in the election and two months after he said governors who want help from the federal government have to treat him well, [Trump] just keeps using the same move over and over. It’s only a matter of time before he threatens to withhold funding from the post office unless they promise to look at every ballot and dump the ones for Biden into the shredder he uses for his tax returns.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey is it cool if I take a personal day to hang back and work on my art? (without mentioning Mick Jagger)

Archaeologists in South Africa have discovered what they say is the world's oldest drawing. Experts think the crude, simple drawing on a rock was created more than 70,000 years ago. And probably during the world's first extremely boring work meeting. While a bunch of starving cavemen were off fighting a saber-toothed tiger, one guy was like, "Hey is it cool if I take a personal day to hang back and work on my art?" The rock features the world's oldest known drawing found on a stone. This is historic, because it's the first time that "rock," "oldest" and "stone" have been used in the same sentence without mentioning Mick Jagger. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Fixing Elections? That's not Russia's Job (That is the Job of the DNC)

"Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Archaeologists in Hungary say they have discovered a forest of trees that's 8 million years old. The archaeologists say that they haven't seen wood that old since the last time Larry King watched porn." --Conan O'Brien

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

They found a skull with a big orange wig on it (excessively threatening rhetoric)

A spokesperson for North Korea called president Trump a senile man who can’t think rationally. But it turns out they just stole that from Trump’s Twitter bio. –Jimmy Fallon

Archaeologists have just uncovered evidence of a Native American civilization that vanished, completely vanished in the 13th century. Isn’t that amazing? Apparently they died out months after selecting their new leader, Chief Trump. Then they were gone. They found a skull with a big orange wig on it. Scowling at them. But it was the best skull you’ve ever seen. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina (filling stadiums)

Well, there was a rumor that McCain might pick former eBay C.E.O. Meg Whitman as his running mate. That makes sense. You know, she’s an expert at selling Americans really old stuff." --Jay Leno

"And archaeologists are now saying that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked these same researchers to analyze his Presidency." --Jay Leno

"Thirty-eight million people watched Barack Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, 'We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.'" –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

Man, O’Reilly really will hit on anything in a dress (The Wizard of Oz)

Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly. The head of Fox News said, “There’s only one place for an angry old guy that demeans women, and that’s the White House.” –Conan O’Brien

Bill O’Reilly is vacationing in Italy, and yesterday he was spotted at the Vatican, shaking hands with Pope Francis. Man, O’Reilly really will hit on anything in a dress. –Conan O’Brien

An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.” –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats