Except you, I'd do you (Have you seen Gary Busey’s legs?)

President Trump is now being sued by a porn star, a reality star, and a Playboy model – or as Trump's evangelical supporters call that, "the holy trinity." --Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that the president’s son Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with a contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Trump Jr. defended himself, saying, “Have you seen Gary Busey’s legs?” --Conan O’Brien

During President Trump's call to Vladimir Putin, he congratulated the Russian leader despite a message from his staff that read "DO NOT CONGRATULATE." Which is why today Melania sent him a message that read "DO NOT DIVORCE." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like "Celebrity Apprentice,” but with even worse celebrities (and because I don't live in Toronto)

Donald Trump was in Macon, Georgia, this week. Again, he suggested that CNN should pay to get him to come to the next debate. He's treating the Republican primary like it's an entertainment show and he is the star — which, let's be honest, he is kind of exactly. It's like "Celebrity Apprentice,” but with even worse celebrities. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's just one more thing that I’m worse at than a 12-year-old girl (there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice)

Pope Francis stated that he did not think that Donald Trump is a true Christian because of Trump's beliefs on immigration. I know you're thinking there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice." –James Corden

A 12-year-old girl in North Carolina correctly chose the final four in her bracket, it was amazing. Yeah, yeah, but great — just one more thing that I’m worse at than a 12-year-old girl. Basketball, math, arm wrestling, pull-ups, bench press, not crying. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you seen Gary Busey’s legs? (Alexa, Daddy’s sad)

China is pressuring Washington not to impose big tariffs on its steel. You can tell China’s playing hardball because today they said, “Remember – we have your new iPhones.” --Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that the president’s son Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with a contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Trump Jr. defended himself, saying, “Have you seen Gary Busey’s legs?” --Conan O’Brien

Amazon Prime has made it possible to have beer and wine delivered to your home by Alexa. All you have to do is say the phrase, “Alexa, Daddy’s sad.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This has the makings of the lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet (It's like "Celebrity Apprentice,” but with even worse celebrities)

"The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up. I guess they figure, 'Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let's go down to 2 percent.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, 'I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump was in Macon, Georgia, this week. Again, he suggested that CNN should pay to get him to come to the next debate. He's treating the Republican primary like it's an entertainment show and he is the star — which, let's be honest, he is kind of exactly. It's like "Celebrity Apprentice,” but with even worse celebrities. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Hold up, wait — didn't you fire me on Celebrity Apprentice for losing the Snapple challenge? (Wait, it's going to make us like them?)

According to his tax returns, Trump lost a billion dollars. Right now, Gary Busey is like, “Hold up, wait — didn't you fire me on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ for losing the Snapple challenge?” –James Corden

Julian Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people's views of these candidates. Americans replied, “Wait, it's going to make us like them?” –James Corden

We're going to start by talking about everybody's favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump's private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models (You lie!)

"President Obama made his big healthcare address to a joint session of Congress last night. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in the middle of it, when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly yelled out, 'You lie!' It's amazing this guy was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq is fine without a peep, but last night, he yells out, 'You lie!'" --Jimmy Kimmel

I don't know if you saw this but some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. There he is at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. How perfect is this photograph? Look at those two bitter enemies sizing each other up. It looks like the first three minutes of a “Girls Gone Wild” video. It represents the United States at its peak. Before 9/11, before ISIS, before "Celebrity Apprentice" — just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice (That one time when Jesus encountered capitalists)

Do you know how wrong you have to be for a Pope to dislike you? I mean the Pope's entire thing is literally forgiveness. Pope John Paul hung out with the guy who tried to assassinate him and now Pope Francis is like, "I can't with this Trump guy. I can't." –James Corden

Pope Francis stated that he did not think that Donald Trump is a true Christian because of Trump's beliefs on immigration. I know you're thinking, there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice." –James Corden

The Rams are already adjusting to L.A. life. They're now going to call tryouts auditions and ask you to bring a head shot with you when you come. Every Rams game is going to start with a two-hour red carpet. “Oh, you look great, I love the helmet. Who are you wearing?” I think it's Nike. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

finding something to do in Kansas (Either way, you win.)

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, 'I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with "finding something to do in Kansas." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you seen Gary Busey’s legs? (Remember – we have your new iPhones)

It’s come out that the president’s son Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with a contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Trump Jr. defended himself, saying, “Have you seen Gary Busey’s legs?” --Conan O’Brien

A 102-year-old woman broke a pair of world track and field records. The 102-year-old ran the 100-meter dash with a time of "February." --Conan O’Brien

China is pressuring Washington not to impose big tariffs on its steel. You can tell China’s playing hardball because today they said, “Remember – we have your new iPhones.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don’t see Macron running for president of France on a platform of outlawing threesomes (it can tell you what sound a cow makes)

December 2022

“Donald Trump’s recent hissy fit called to terminate the US constitution. You dummy, you can’t terminate the constitution. The constitution is America. You don’t see Macron running for president of France on a platform of outlawing threesomes.” —Stephen Colbert

“The long, stupid story on Trump’s comments once again included Republican conspiracy theories around a cover-up of Hunter Biden. Again with the Hunter Biden laptop! Give it a rest! You don’t hear anyone obsessing over the former president’s son’s laptop. And Eric’s got a good one – it’s made by Fisher-Price, and it can tell you what sound a cow makes.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s Truth Social posts are insane. You know, not everyone is a stable enough genius to write down their intention to overthrow democracy in a social media post. But he thinks the constitution is something that can be terminated, like it’s Meat Loaf on an episode of Celebrity Apprentice. It doesn’t go like that.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump won't be happy until he proves that Obama doesn't exist (they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat)

"Donald Trump is now attacking President Obama's grades, suggesting that he was a poor student. First it was the birth certificate, and now the grades. Trump won't be happy until he proves that Obama doesn't exist." –Jimmy Kimmel 4/26/2011

"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives." –Jimmy Fallon  4/26/2011

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno  4/26/2011

"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice. Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel 4/7/2011

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I already thought he was the Republican candidate (That seems a little high)

"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice. Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel 4/7/2011

"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate." –Jay Leno 4/4/2011

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman 4/12/2011

"Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There's a very good case against impeachment. It's called Joe Biden." –Jay Leno 3/24/2011

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat (Three wives ago/Zero chance?)

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno  4/26/2011

"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives." –Jimmy Fallon  4/26/2011

"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice. Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel 4/7/2011

"Critics say it's illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It's also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn't born in this country." –Conan O'Brien 4/14/2011

"The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." –David Letterman 4/12/2011

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.' (attorney-Meat Loaf privilege)

"One of the men who was allegedly robbed by O.J. Simpson is now saying he won't press charges. In exchange, O.J. has promised not to double murder the man." --Conan O'Brien

"Big weekend for President Bush, you all heard about this. Over the weekend President Bush left the White House in an unmarked car and took a top secret trip to Iraq. In fact, the trip was so secret, President Bush still doesn't know where he was. It was hot and there were foreign guys. Mexico, that's his number one guess." --Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Conan O'Brien

One of President Trump's accusers is trying to subpoena recordings of Trump from "The Apprentice." However, Trump's legal team has refused, citing "attorney-Meat Loaf privilege." --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice (extremely circumcised)

At a hardware store in California, a man was caught on camera attempting to steal a chainsaw, but stuffing it down his pants. Honestly, let him keep hit. He earned that chainsaw more than anyone who ever paid for it. The suspect got away and police are describing him as medium height, medium build, and extremely circumcised. --James Corden

The sheriff’s office in Broward County, Florida, recently announced their newest deputy, former basketball star Shaquille O’Neal. I don’t know what Shaq is going to be doing. I think we can rule out working undercover. --James Corden

Here’s an interesting story. Break Dancing might become an Olympic event. Break Dancing in the Olympics is the first event where you can become a Gold medalist and somehow still disappoint your parents with your career choices. --James Corden

Pope Francis stated that he did not think that Donald Trump is a true Christian because of Trump's beliefs on immigration. I know you're thinking there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice." –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How many homeless families does it take to make a billionaire? (Just stay 12 steps away from all women)

July 2013

"Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the Democratic race for New York City mayor. Even worse, third place is a write-in candidate — 'Anyone else but Weiner.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday on Fox News, Donald Trump said there is something 'mentally wrong' with Anthony Weiner. He said, 'That guy is dangerous, unstable, and disgusting. So look for him next season on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, 'What am I supposed to do? He's president.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Seven women have come forward to say they've been sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. The mayor has agreed to intensive rehab therapy. They say it's a 12-step program. Here's a simple 12-step program: Just stay 12 steps away from all women. " –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's 66 years old today. It was an odd celebration. Arnold didn't really get excited until after the party when the maids came to clean up." –Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, the Clintons are really angry about being compared to the Weiners, and rightly so. Bill Clinton took his sexual conduct seriously. Anthony Weiner just phones it in." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For example, Biden's lunch always comes with a toy (and then we'll talk about Kim Jong Un)

April 2013

"Because President Obama said California Attorney General Kamala Harris was attractive, people are calling his remark sexist. Now the President is overcompensating and trying to balance it out. Today he said Attorney General Eric Holder has a great ass." –Jay Leno

"Here's something I didn't know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden's lunch always comes with a toy." –Jay Leno

"There's this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts – except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won't do it. Though in fairness, it'll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is." –Jimmy Fallon

"Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on 'Celebrity Apprentice.' I'm gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman – and then we'll talk about Kim Jong Un." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas (pick your own damn strawberries)

February 2013

"The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist." –Bill Maher

"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker." –Bill Maher

"Immigration is the big issue they're working on in Washington. They want to create a 'path to citizenship.' You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone." –Bill Maher

"I would urge the Republicans who are still not behind this to consider the alternative; picking our own damn strawberries." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”