How about you just spank me, we'll call it even? (If the situation was hopeless...)

"It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Elmo from 'Sesame Street' is appearing in a new public service announcement informing people about swine flu. Doctors warn that if you see a red, furry, high-pitched monster informing you about swine flu, you may already have it." --Conan O'Brien

"It's getting serious, though. Republicans in New York have given Governor Spitzer an ultimatum. That if he doesn't resign, they'll push for impeachment. Governor Spitzer responded by saying, 'How about you just spank me, we'll call it even?'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, they let this guy see classified information (Two-headed snakes)

"Yesterday at a press conference President Bush said he had

not seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express an

interest in drilling for oil there." --David Letterman

"Michele Bachmann says if she is elected president, she will outlaw gay marriage – and ban Neil Patrick Harris from hosting the Tony Awards." –David Letterman

"President Bush is now being accused of leaking classified information. I was stunned. I was shocked. I said to myself, 'Wait, they let this guy see classified information.'" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can we talk about this over a drink? (Not enough Dodge)

"President Bush was asked by someone in the audience if he'd seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' The president said he hadn't seen it, but he'd be happy to talk about ranching. Then he added, 'Ranching still means gay sex, right?'" --Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, a female judge ruled that Bill Cosby must stand trial. Cosby said to the judge, "Can we talk about this over a drink?" –Conan O’Brien

"After Afghanistan, President Bush flew to India, where he was greeted by 10,000 angry protestors. As a result, most Americans spent all day on hold with computer problems." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He gets up to leave the room when Ben-Gay commercials come on (their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis)

"It's true, John McCain's running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien

 

"At a press conference in Kansas the other day President Bush was asked if he had seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' He said, no, he doesn't like westerns where the cowboys go into town for a day spa. George W. Bush is an old fashioned guy. He gets up to leave the room when Ben-Gay commercials come on." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, it's nice to see something coming out of a hole in the ground that's not running for president (Uh-oh!)

 

"This past weekend was Groundhog Day. I like Groundhog Day. I mean, it's nice to see something coming out of a hole in the ground that's not running for president." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, 'Brokeback Mountain.'" --Jay Leno

"According to Google trends, this tracks what people look up on the Internet, people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia. Boy, that's the ultimate dilemma for Republicans. Gays with oil. Uh-oh!" --Jay Leno

 

"The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzalez testified before the senate about the domestic spying program. But first there was a big fight about whether or not to place him under oath. Ultimately they decided not to place him under oath. See, baseball players, they have to be under oath. But the attorney general, no." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else (I think this is God's way of punishing Pat Robertson)

 

"The Golden Globes were last night. It was the biggest gathering of Hollywood celebrities that wasn’t an anti-Bush rally. The big winners were "Brokeback Mountain," "Capote" and "Transamerica." All movies with gay themes. I think this is God's way of punishing Pat Robertson." --Jay Leno

"Iran said they will inflict harm and pain on the United States if we try to stop their nuclear program. Who's writing their speeches now -- Mr. T?" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ask him if he knows about Pat Tillman (old cowboy buddy)

"Actually, no one has even seen Senator Craig for like a week now. Nobody even knows where he is. They think he may have gone on a fishing trip for a couple of days with an old cowboy buddy to some mountain in Wyoming." --Jay Leno

"I learned today that President Bush is a sensitive man. There's a new biography of the president out in which he says 'I do tears,' which means he cries. And he says he cries a lot, and I think it's kind of nice hearing that the president cries. It would be even better to hear that he reads." --Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

While you're at it, can you put in some mood lighting? (Brokeback Mountain auditions)

"They are turning the movie 'Brokeback Mountain' into a broadway musical. Auditions will be held at the Minneapolis airport men's room" --Jay Leno

"The airport bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested is now being renovated to make the stall dividers go all the way down to the floor. When he heard this, Craig said, 'While you're at it, can you put in some mood lighting?'" --Conan O'Brien

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Isn't that what you were telling me between sobs and punches?

"And so ensnared in a trap he so shrewdly told others how to avoid, it was time for Governor Spitzer to join the shame parade, to follow in the footsteps of the faithless. 

New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, Louisiana Senator David Vitter, President Clinton, even Gary Hart a quarter century ago -- all contrite, all following the simple rule of public humiliation, bring a date [on screen: Spitzer appearing at his presser with wife Silda Wall Spitzer and saying, 'I will briefly address a private matter. 

I acted in a way that violated my obligations to my family']. Right, honey? Right? Remember how you were telling me about that, me violating the trust of family? Isn't that what you were telling me between sobs and punches?" --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

I think this is God's way of punishing Pat Robertson

"The Golden Globes were last night. It was the biggest gathering of Hollywood celebrities that wasn’t an anti-Bush rally. The big winners were "Brokeback Mountain," "Capote" and "Transamerica." All movies with gay themes. I think this is God's way of punishing Pat Robertson." --Jay Leno

"Did you watch the Golden Globes? They were so long that Dick Cheney taped it and is using it to torture detainees." --David Letterman

 "Al Gore yesterday gave a speech an accused President Bush of repeatedly breaking the law. Al Gore issued the statement into a microphone at Taco Bell." --David Letterman

Ranching still means gay sex, right? (drilling for oil there)

"Yesterday at a press conference President Bush said he had not seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express an interest in drilling for oil there." --David Letterman

"President Bush was asked by someone in the audience if he'd seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' The president said he hadn't seen it, but he'd be happy to talk about ranching. Then he added, 'Ranching still means gay sex, right?'" --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, the Bush administration is conducting a war on pornography. Well, it's about time. You thought we had no allies in Iraq, oh my God! Remember the good old days during Clinton, when the White House was a porn site?" --Jay Leno

He gets up to leave the room when Ben-Gay commercials come on

"Hillary Clinton called President Bush's explanation strange and far-fetched. Let me tell you something, if anyone has heard strange and far-fetched explanations from a president of the United States, it is Hillary, so she knows what she's talking about." --Jay Leno

"At a press conference in Kansas the other day President Bush was asked if he had seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' He said, no, he doesn’t like westerns where the cowboys go into town for a day spa. George W. Bush is an old fashioned guy. He gets up to leave the room when Ben-Gay commercials come on." --Conan O'Brien

"It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'" --Conan O'Brien

this kind of thing could destroy their tourism industry (handcuffs)

"The first confirmed case of bird flu has been discovered in Iraq. You know, this kind of thing could destroy their tourism industry." --Jay Leno

"Walk The Line was passed over for best picture nomination. Which makes 'Brokeback Mountain' the clear favorite. See gay is in this year. If Johnny Cash had fallen for Jimmy Carter instead of June Carter they would have had a lockout." --Jay Leno

"President Bush gave his State of the Union address. Did you notice, a lot of Republican congressmen were not applauding President Bush. It's hard when you're wearing handcuffs." --Jay Leno

The only place Bush doesn't want any drilling, Brokeback Mountain

"President Bush said we must continue to find new sources of oil. The only place he doesn't want any drilling, 'Brokeback Mountain.'" --Jay Leno

"In a 58-42 vote on Tuesday, the Senate confirmed Samuel Alito as the nation's next Supreme Court Justice, meaning if you want an abortion, you'd better hop to it." --Tina Fey

"Aman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda's number two man, emerged in a video on Monday, calling President Bush a failure. Even worse, he's asked that George senior and Barbara come in for a parent-terrorist conference." --Amy Poehler

Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man (gay cowboy movie)

"Last night I went out with a bunch of the guys and played the 'Dick Cheney Drinking Game', it's when you down a beer and then you take a shot at good old granddad." --Jay Leno

"Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." --Bill Maher

Repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda

''I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president.''

—President George W. Bush, as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War

''See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.''

—President George W. Bush, Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

''You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that.''

—President George W. Bush, to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005