I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing (he fainted across two parking spaces)

The CEO of BMW fainted onstage at the Frankfurt auto show this week. And in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces. –Seth Meyers

After world leaders at the U.N. laughed at President Trump for claiming he has accomplished more than any president in history, Trump said last night that the line was meant to get some laughter. Oh, well, then it's kind of weird that you said this right after. [Trump] "Didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK." Man, you're a very bad liar. I would love to play poker with you. [imitates Trump] "I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was a great night for O.J.! (President Trump, welcome to my world)

One of the big winners at last night's Emmys was "The People v. O.J. Simpson." I gotta say, there’s nothing better than checking out the news and hearing, "It was a great night for O.J.!" –Conan O’Brien

During his speech to the U.N., President Trump paused for what he thought was an applause line and was met by silence. President Trump, welcome to my world. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

P stands for Pretend you've never heard the name George W. Bush (Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters)

"George W. Bush's nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office

in Texas. He says P stands for Pretend you've never heard the

name George W. Bush." –Conan O'Brien

"Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate (finding something to do in Kansas)

A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with "finding something to do in Kansas." --Conan O’Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All these years, I don’t know why no one else thought to call shotgun on the Holy Land (Oh, we can tell)

At a White House news conference on Tuesday, President Trump said the United States should take over Gaza, which he said could be turned into “the Riviera of the Middle East” once all the Palestinians there had been moved out. “All these years, I don’t know why no one else thought to call shotgun on the Holy Land.” — Stephen Colbert 

“A source close to the president said it was Trump’s own idea. Everyone was like, ‘Oh, we can tell.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump wants to take over Greenland, Canada and now the Gaza Strip. He’s like everyone at 2 a.m., drunk-ordering off Amazon: ‘[slurring] I’m going to — I’m going to add Gaza Strip to the cart. I want Gaza Strip.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The only thing the United Nations and the Taliban have in common is they both think this is a terrible idea.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's the second time they had to shoot McKinley (President Trump, welcome to my world)

Just a day-and-a-half after Hurricane Irma ended, Disney World managed to reopen today. That's pretty impressive. Disney's biggest obstacle after the storm was to get the robots from the Hall of Presidents to stop looting. That's the second time they had to shoot McKinley. –Conan O’Brien

During his speech to the U.N., President Trump paused for what he thought was an applause line and was met by silence. President Trump, welcome to my world. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate (lesser evil voting is killing America)

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You'd make a much better Vice President (a hint of shame)

Since his U.N. ambassador resigned yesterday, Trump says he's narrowed down his list of replacements to five people. He was like, "It'll either be Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, or Kylie. Not saying who." Actually, Dennis Rodman went on Twitter and said that he should be the new U.N. ambassador. In response, Trump said, "That's ridiculous. You'd make a much better Vice President." --Jimmy Fallon

Get this -- a cheating scandal has rocked the world of wine tasting. That's right. It has rocked the world of wine tasting. A cheating scandal came out that some tasters were given the answers to an exam. The wine tasters say that they are embarrassed, a little humiliated, and there's a hint of shame. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's amazing when you can get to that level (they were already gone)

On Friday, President Trump declared a national emergency. Then he immediately went on vacation to Florida. While he was at his golf club, a photo of him standing at the omelet bar went viral. He was like (Fallon as Trump),  "I'll have the Spanish omelet, hold the Spanish." --Jimmy Fallon

Check this out. Over the weekend, Trump's pick to be the next U.N. ambassador withdrew herself from consideration. You’ve got to hand it to Trump -- his administration is running so smoothly, that his staff are now firing themselves. That's amazing when you can get to that level. --Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon  March 2014

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re entrusting the party’s future to the wise judgment of someone who married Eric (put your wife on the phone)

In a statement released on Monday, former President Donald Trump endorsed his daughter-in-law, Lara Trump, becoming co-chair of the Republican National Committee, saying, “Lara is an extremely talented communicator and is dedicated to all that MAGA stands for. She has told me she wants to accept this challenge and would be great.” Oh man, poor Eric. His wife got more compliments in one post than his father gave him in his entire life so far. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yep, that had to be an awkward phone call. It’s like, ‘[imitating Trump] Eric, I need a smart family member for this job — put your wife on the phone.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“In the same statement, former President Trump said that his daughter-in-law Lara Trump should be the co-chair of the R.N.C. and that her husband Eric should be ‘ambassador to wherever’s farthest.’” — Seth Meyers

“They’re entrusting the party’s future to the wise judgment of someone who married Eric.” — Jimmy Fallon

“When asked how he landed on Lara, Trump was like, ‘Ivanka said no.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“I say, why stop with Lara? A future Trump administration could have Jared as chief of staff, Ivanka as ambassador to the U.N., and Don Jr. as the head of the D.E.A., the Drug Enjoyment Agency.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope they got rid of the scary thing under my bed (retirement alcohol)

"President Bush's childhood home was turned into a museum. After hearing about it, President Bush said, 'I hope they got rid of the scary thing under my bed.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The president of Venezuela said maybe we need to move the U.N. out of the United States. Afterwards, a confused President Bush said, 'But then it would just be the ited States'." --Conan O'Brien

"To be fair, we are getting Americans out. Earlier today, 1,000 Americans were evacuated from Lebanon aboard a cruise ship called the 'Orient Queen.' The evacuation should go twice as fast once the 'Orient Queen' is joined by its sister ship, the 'Asian Flamer.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the first time in history Donald Trump has ever shown a dislike for anything golden (rating women on a scale of one to 10)

President Trump withdrew his invitation to the Golden State Warriors, making this the first time in history Donald Trump has ever shown a dislike for anything golden. –James Corden

President Trump gave a speech to the United Nations where he boasted of his achievements in office, and the world leaders in attendance responded with polite applause. I am kidding. They laughed in his face. And they say Donald Trump can't bring people together. --James Corden

“But he’s promised a female Supreme Court nominee. This means Trump is going to be spending a lot of time this weekend enjoying his favorite hobby: rating women on a scale of one to 10.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I believe in God, but not enough to take a $95 helicopter ride (WHEEE!)

Traffic is really backed up here in New York City because of the Pope's visit, but a company called Blade is offering $95 helicopter rides around the city. Even the Pope said, "I believe in God, but not enough to take a $95 helicopter ride.” –Jimmy Fallon

This morning, Pope Francis addressed the U.N. General Assembly, and rode around inside the U.N. building in a golf cart. People will never forget what the Pope said as he passed them: "WHEEE!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing (Can I get a to-go cup?)

After world leaders at the U.N. laughed at President Trump for claiming he has accomplished more than any president in history, Trump said last night that the line was meant to get some laughter. Oh, well, then it's kind of weird that you said this right after. [Trump] "Didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK." Man, you're a very bad liar. I would love to play poker with you. [imitates Trump] "I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing." --Seth Meyers

A Silicon Valley start-up called Ambrosia is looking into opening a clinic in Manhattan where people over the age of 35 could be injected with the blood of younger people to help increase their vitality. Said one customer, [photo of Rudy Giuliani] "Can I get a to-go cup? Because I'm on the move a lot and I also love blood." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And you know it was crazy, because even the Germans laughed (Hello, I'm the president of the United States)

After President Trump claimed during his address to the U.N. General Assembly today that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, world leaders in the audience laughed in response. And you know it was crazy, because even the Germans laughed. --Seth Meyers

President Trump claimed that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, and world leaders in the audience laughed, though technically they were still laughing from when he said, "Hello, I'm the president of the United States." --Seth Meyers

Melania Trump this weekend took her first solo trip abroad as first lady, and everything was going great until the Secret Service found her and brought her back. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's being hailed as a "breakthrough" for people who like to scare small children (for a few seconds he accidentally made some foreigners happy)

Dunkin' Donuts announced next year they will shorten their name from Dunkin' Donuts to just "Dunkin'." And their customers will shorten the name of their disease from diabetes to just 'betes from now on. --Conan O’Brien

Scientists developed a robotic skin that can make stuffed animals appear to come to life. It's being hailed as a "breakthrough" for people who like to scare small children. --Conan O’Brien

At the U.N. today President Trump told world leaders that his administration has accomplished more than any in U.S. history, and the whole audience laughed. Trump was furious — 'cause for a few seconds he accidentally made some foreigners happy. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I might move to Nambia. I hear very good things (don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two)

We just found where Donald Trump might be getting those theories about the "Deep State," because in a new book about Trump's relationship with Vladimir Putin, Washington Post reporter Greg Miller writes, "A trained intelligence operative, Putin understood the power of playing to someone's insecurities and ego." Yes, to spot Trump's insecurities and ego, it takes years of KGB training — and a television. --Stephen Colbert

The U.N. is in town this week and Donald Trump hosted a lunch for African leaders. "I'm greatly honored to host this lunch, to be joined by the leaders of Côte d'Ivoire, Ethiopia, Ghana, Guinea, Nambia. Nambia's health system is increasingly self-sufficient." Now, there is no such country as "Nambia." Despite that, they will soon have a better healthcare system than we do. I might move to Nambia. I hear very good things. –Stephen Colbert

"Some have criticized the police for pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face (President Trump, welcome to my world)

"Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face." --Conan O'Brien

"Some Republicans are saying they want Dick Cheney, that's right, Dick Cheney, to run for president in 2012. Of course, you have to remember that when they said this, Cheney was torturing them." --Conan O'Brien

During his speech to the U.N., President Trump paused for what he thought was an applause line and was met by silence. President Trump, welcome to my world. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ingredients: None of your business (Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.)

Donald Trump accused media outlets this morning of deliberately editing his words to make him come across in a bad light. Also making Trump come across in a bad light – light. –Seth Meyers

The U.N. General Assembly began today, and Donald Trump was scheduled to meet with the president of Egypt. Said Trump, “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.” –Seth Meyers

An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay titled "How to Murder Your Husband" was arrested yesterday, for the alleged murder of her husband. But her lawyer is more concerned about her other essay, "How to Poison Your Lawyer." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”