What happened to Eisenhower? (Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!)

And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt “used” by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, “Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!” –Jimmy Fallon

According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What have you done with Eisenhower? (brought to you by the letters F and U)

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama took part in an online Q & A session with a group of senior citizens. The most common question the seniors asked Obama was, 'What have you done with Eisenhower?'" --Conan O'Brien

Sesame Street announced that they have fired several of their long-time cast members. These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The perfect politician doesn't exis.. (You lost my brother?!)

I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb's baggage and he was like, “You lost my brother?!” –Jimmy

Fallon

According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank goodness for coke dealers (What have you done with Eisenhower?)

"General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama took part in an online Q & A session with a group of senior citizens. The most common question the seniors asked Obama was, 'What have you done with Eisenhower?'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, other than games one, two, four and five, they crushed it (Bit-O-Honey)

Despite losing control of the House, our president took a victory

lap last night. President Trump called the results very close to a

complete victory for republicans. Yes. In the same way the

World Series was very close to a complete victory for the

Dodgers. I mean, other than games one, two, four and five,

they crushed it. They won. --Jimmy Kimmel

A new Quinnipiac University poll came out yesterday that shows Donald Trump back on top of Ben Carson, 24 to 23 percent, and Jeb Bush is now down to only 4 percent. More people picked Bit-O-Honey as their favorite Halloween candy than support Jeb Bush for president. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I want to tell you, occasions don't get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen (The smart money is on Tim Tebow)

"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David Letterman

"Talking about presidents who smoked. You remember George W. Bush? Remember him? He's saying while he was president he would enjoy the occasional cigar. On a rare occasion, he would have a cigar because he said it helped him think. I want to tell you, occasions don't get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes (What have you done with Eisenhower?)

Today, shortly before we taped the show, Hillary Clinton became the first female presidential nominee of a major party. So now little girls everywhere can say, "One day I’m gonna grow up and run against an insane reality TV star." –Conan O’Brien

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes. –Conan O’Brien

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama took part in an online Q & A session with a group of senior citizens. The most common question the seniors asked Obama was, 'What have you done with Eisenhower?'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Unfortunately, everyone in New York has learned to sleep through it (play dates)

A new alarm-clock app has launched that wakes users up with unconventional sounds like shattering glass, gunshots, and women screaming. Unfortunately, everyone in New York has learned to sleep through it. --Seth Meyers

President Trump today attacked Amazon for the second time this week, tweeting, “I am right about Amazon costing the United States Post Office massive amounts of money for being their Delivery Boy.” This is when I appreciate Twitter. It used to be, if you wanted to hear a 71-year-old man whining about the post office, you had to go to the post office. --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump met with Steve Harvey at Trump Tower on Friday. Meanwhile, Trump's toupee and Harvey's mustache met for a play date. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I Like Ike … too much to burden him with the presidency (Just let us have nice things!)

August 2022

“The Kansas referendum, the 59% to 41% decision was kind of shocking, the scale of that victory. That’s just not a win. That’s a Kans-asskicking. And may I remind you, Kansas is a state so bright red it looks like me after 30 seconds on the beach.” —Stephen Colbert

“Keep in mind, this blowout happened after a series of dirty tricks from Republicans in Kansas. First, they made the wording of the ballot measure extra confusing, then they sent voters text messages right before the election that misleadingly equated a yes vote with personal choice. They tried to trick them into voting the wrong way. This is the most misleading political message since 1952’s ‘I Like Ike … too much to burden him with the presidency – vote Stevenson.’” —Stephen Colbert

“There is a new study that found that eating processed food like ice-cream hurts brain function. Stop it, science. Just stop studying things. This is why people turn against you and start eating horse paste. What’s next? Puppy kisses cause herpes? Exposure to Chris Evans is depleting the ozone layer? Just let us have nice things!” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes (What have you done with Eisenhower?)

"Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama took part in an online Q & A session with a group of senior citizens. The most common question the seniors asked Obama was, 'What have you done with Eisenhower?'" --Conan O'Brien

"A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver (the lowest of human passions)

November 2012

"The International Olympic Committee is investigating Lance Armstrong for the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics. A little tip for the IOC: If Lance was on steroids and he came in third, you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver." –Conan O’Brien

"Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they'd give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean." –Conan O'Brien

"The East Coast is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Because of congestion, Mayor Bloomberg is only allowing cars with at least three passengers to drive into Manhattan. You can’t cross the bridge with a bunch of empty seats – which was really confusing for Clint Eastwood." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today is the first day of November, which means the election will soon be over. And then we can finally get started on the recount." –Jimmy Fallon 

"A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the next rally is being held inside the birthday room at Dave & Buster’s (big boy potty)

“You can tell the Trump campaign may be lowering expectations because the next rally is being held inside the birthday room at Dave & Buster’s.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump also talked about the other pressing national issue on everyone’s mind: that time he couldn’t walk down a ramp last week. Trump talked about ‘rampgate’ for a whopping 10 minutes and 23 seconds, which is almost as long as it took him to get down that ramp. That’s how low the bar is for Trump these days. He gets applause for sipping water. It reminds me of Eisenhower’s re-election slogan: ‘I like Ike because he can use the big boy potty.’” —Stephen Colbert

“He spent so much time on this story that now I’m more suspicious than I was. Like, before I thought yeah, maybe Trump has some trouble walking down ramps, but now I’m not even sure he has feet.” —Trevor Noah

“Trump looks like a guy coming home from a bar where all his buddies met girls except for him. He looks like a kid who got a million RSVPs to his birthday party and only had 6,200 show up.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Let's return to the tax policy of Radical Socialist Dwight Eisenhower (store-brand hemorrhoid cream)

“We are now officially tits-deep in the Trump impeachment trial. The only thing standing between us and justice is 53 Republican Senators and the reality that this entire process is doomed – let’s get hopeless!” —Samantha Bee

“At issue in the Senate trial on Wednesday was the admittance of new evidence. Republicans voted along party lines to reject the appearance of witnesses such as the former national security adviser John Bolton or Lev Parnas, a former associate of Rudy Giuliani in Ukraine. Which is a shame, because Parnas brought receipts to the table – huge receipts, like CVS-level receipts that are 30 feet long and come with a coupon for store-brand hemorrhoid cream.” —Samantha Bee

“Perhaps most damning is a note Parnas wrote on Ritz-Carlton stationery in which he explicitly stated his goal to get Zelensky to investigate Joe Biden. If that evidence were any more of a smoking gun, Don Jr. would be holding it over a dead elephant. —Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men (Totally worth it)

"Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics – 'Dancing with the Stars,' and now prison. Somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men." –Bill Maher

"In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the media's coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase 'blood libel,' which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended if I thought she knew that." –Seth Meyers

"Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere said, 'Totally worth it.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They don't care about you either. Mr. Bush (until they get caught in a rest stop somewhere)

"Here's how huge their victory was. They actually elected two black people on the Republican side in Congress, and seven gay Republicans. Of course, you won't find out who they are until they get caught in a rest stop somewhere." –Bill Maher

"Did you see the new speaker of the House John Boeher cry? He cries a lot. Mr. Boehner you've got to stop crying. For one, your tan is going to run. And what's he going to do if he loses next time? Put on a Bjork record and cut himself?" –Bill Maher

"Just in time for the Republican sweep, George Bush has a new memoir that just came out. He was on the Today Show plugging it. He said his lowest moment of the whole presidency was when Kanye West said he didn't care about black people. Well, I got news for you. Black people don't care about you either. Mr. Bush." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump talked more about defeating aliens tonight than Sigourney Weaver (And that chapter is 11)

Donald Trump said, we must step boldly and bravely into the next chapter of this great American adventure. And that chapter is 11. --Jimmy Kimmel

Trump’s speech was so long he spoke longer than he was married to Marla Maples. --Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump talked more about defeating aliens tonight than Sigourney Weaver. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed (the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors)

It’s so cold that earlier today the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors. It is so cold, Trump is actually enjoying being burned by Nancy Pelosi. --Jimmy Fallon

An 80-year-old crossing guard in Iowa said the cold won't stop him from doing his job. Then his boss said, "Nothing stops him. We fired that guy 40 years ago." Get lost! --Jimmy Fallon

Today was also bitterly cold in the Northeast, with lows in the single digits. And I cannot stress this part enough, okay? Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Even worse, 75% think President Wilson was a volleyball (he tweeted it off his electric razor)

"Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki from 'Jersey Shore,' an MTV program, after she complained about the tanning bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked." –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that 12% of Americans think Dwight D. Eisenhower commanded troops in the Civil War. Even worse, 75% think President Wilson was a volleyball. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It is the most celebrated defeat of a White Walker since Game of Thrones (Or as the GOP calls them, “A Caravan!")

First of all, I’d like to send out a hearty “Don’t let the door hit ya” too soon-to-be former Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, who lost last night to democrat Tony Evers. It is the most celebrated defeat of a White Walker since Game of Thrones. The loss was hard on Scott Walker. Hopefully he consoled himself with his brother, Johnny. --Stephen Colbert

It was also a banner election for diversity. First of all, at least 110 women won last night. Meaning a record number of women will be serving in congress. Rashida Talib of Michigan and Ilhan Omar of Minnesota became the first Muslim women in congress. That’s right, two Muslim women. Or as the GOP calls them, “A Caravan!” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey, that's the same pass code I use for the nuclear codes (0-0-0-0-0-0)

You guys see this? During his meeting in the Oval Office, Kanye took out his cellphone and you could actually see his pass code when he typed it in. Watch this. 0-0-0-0-0-0. Then Trump said, "Hey, that's the same pass code I use for the nuclear codes." --Jimmy Fallon

Well, here's some tech news, here. Facebook will now let you launch group chats with 250 people at once. The feature even has a new name -- HELL. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”