The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business (a monopoly on truth)

“The National Park Service is asking visitors to please stop licking the hallucinogenic toads. The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business.” —Jimmy Fallon

So, Michelle Obama actually had a nice time showing Melania Trump around, although it got weird when they walked into the Lincoln Bedroom and Melania said, “Wow, what a lovely closet.” –Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only place where a 51 is a passing grade (the wolves will eat you)

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Trump calls that, “a landslide.” It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade. –Jimmy Fallon

The Patriots celebrated their big Super Bowl win up in Boston. But I read that Tom Brady is still trying to track down his jersey that went missing after the game. Then O.J. said, “Whatever you do, just don’t try to STEAL it back.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room (strawberry milk for everyone)

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said yesterday that the White House is not considering conducting lie detector tests to uncover the author of the anonymous op-ed published in The New York Times. Because putting a lie detector in the White House would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room. --Seth Meyers

An all-red cow was born in Jerusalem this week, which some believe fulfills a biblical prophecy to "reinstate purity to the world." While Education Secretary Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone. --Seth Meyers

According to a new CNN poll, President Trump's approval rating has fallen six points in the last month. If he gets any less popular, they're just going to reboot the series without him. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (Drop Acid Not Bombs!)

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that while schools receiving federal funds must abide by federal civil rights laws, the department will not enter decrees on things like LGBTQ discrimination. Coincidentally, LGBTQ is also how Betsy DeVos thinks you spell discrimination. –Seth Meyers

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think that legally makes you a porn star (I almost forgot to put my hand over my face)

And yet, not the most embarrassing thing to happen at the Easter Egg Roll. That honor goes to the official White House Snapchat account, which sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around “Secretary of ‘Educatuon’ Betsy DeVos.” It’s like Betsy DeVos always says, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘education’ . . . the way I spell it.” –Stephen Colbert

“Uh, I don’t think anyone wants a check that Trump signed. I think that legally makes you a porn star.” — Stephen Colbert

This is Trump’s first Easter Egg Roll. The president and the first lady kicked things off with the National Anthem, and notice what she has to do in the middle of it [clip of Melania nudging Trump]. Put your hand up! Do it, you’re the president! He forgot to put his hand over his heart, it happens to everybody. I mean, when I saw that footage, I almost forgot to put my hand over my face. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” (the only place where a 51 is a passing grade)

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Donald Trump calls that, “a landslide.” It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics, and they had some crazy stuff. They had a big conga line, they had a giant snow globe. They had glow-in-the-dark pandas on roller skates. When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Uh, ’shrooms.” --Jimmy Fallon

"50 Shades Darker" just released a new immersive virtual reality experience that claims to take you inside the movie. Or as wives everywhere put it, "Here’s my credit card. Why don't you and the kids go to the mall for a couple of hours?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal (it’s still attached to a hand)

The Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand. --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Donald Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

This weekend was St. Patrick’s Day! And of course, there was a big parade here in New York, and a lot of men were wearing kilts. It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's called "Uh-oh, hold my hair." (I was told there would be no spelling)

Liquor brand Svedk will release a new product that combines rosé and vodka. It's called "Uh-oh, hold my hair." --Seth Meyers

Many women wore suffragette white to tonight's State of the Union address while President Trump wore angry tangerine number 6. --Seth Meyers

After a racist photo from his 1984 yearbook page resurfaced over the weekend, Virginia governor Ralph Northam reportedly told staffers yesterday that he is reluctant to step down because he is afraid of leaving office and being labeled as a racist for life. Yeah, that's the kind of thing that could follow you all the way to the White House. By the way, Racist for Life is also the 5K that Jeff Sessions runs in every spring. --Seth Meyers

During the State of the Union address, Republicans broke out into chants of "USA, USA." Said Betsy DeVos, "I was told there would be no spelling." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anyone else as turned on as I am? (First sign of spring)

Today the East Coast was hit with a major snowstorm and it forced New York City public schools to close. When she heard that, new Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was like, “Hey, my plan’s working already.” –Jimmy Fallon

After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I'm not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me." Then Chris Christie was like, "Anyone else as turned on as I am?" –Jimmy Fallon

Congratulations to Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump on winning their parties' New Hampshire primaries last night! In his speech, Bernie said he couldn't have done it without the support of millions of Americans. While Trump was like, “This was ALL me! You losers did nothing!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle (Here comes Banana Hammer!)

Yesterday, Trump's national security adviser, John Bolton, appeared in front of reporters while holding a notepad, and everybody could see his top-secret notes. This is real. Take a look at this. It says "5,000 troops to Colombia." Well, it's not the first time a politician has mistakenly revealed what's on their notepad during a meeting. For example, it also happened to Chris Christie. His notepad said, "5,000 wings to Super Bowl party." Up next, Betsy DeVos. Her notepad said, "5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle." --Jimmy Fallon

And all day, newscasters were doing interesting things to show just how cold it was. Check out what they did on the Today Show this morning, “So, how cold is it? One man actually turned this super-frozen banana into a makeshift hammer.” What? -That's actually footage of Trump trying to build his border wall. Usually you only hear the phrase "banana hammer" at a male strip club. "Here comes Banana Hammer!" --Jimmy Fallon

Today Amazon announced it's creating its own healthcare company. That's kind of awkward getting healthcare from Amazon. Especially when a drone flies over your house and says "Viagra for Bob. Viagra for Bob." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not Voting Properly? (So, 13?)

Samsung announced recently that people who turn in their recalled Galaxy Note 7 phones will be eligible for a free Note 8 next year when it debuts. Said customers, "I'm not falling for it. I've been burned by Samsung before." –Seth Meyers

Amazon is testing a new service that allows couriers to unlock homes and leave packages inside. Learn more about the new service on a future episode of “Dateline.” –Seth Meyers

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly told the Trump administration that if it were up to him, the number of refugees admitted into the U.S. would be between zero and one. Said Betsy DeVos, “So, 13?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know me, I don't like to talk about money (Legalize Shemp)

Donald Trump and Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto held a joint press conference where Trump said the two did discuss his proposed border wall but did not address payment for its construction. Said Trump, “You know me, I don't like to talk about money.” –Seth Meyers

A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico. –Seth Meyers

Following the launch of his own charter school, nearly 14,000 people have signed an online petition to make LeBron James the secretary of education, even though we already have one. "Who is it now?” asked Betsy DeVos. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then you suddenly realize how he got his name (a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage)

They celebrated O’Reilly’s career, saying, “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.” By rating stands he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage. –Stephen Colbert

And yet, not the most embarrassing thing to happen at the Easter Egg Roll. That honor goes to the official White House Snapchat account, which sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around “Secretary of ‘Educatuon’ Betsy DeVos.” It’s like Betsy DeVos always says, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘education’ . . . the way I spell it.” –Stephen Colbert

Bill O’Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It’s not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room. –Stephen Colbert

French president Emmanuel Macron brought a gift for Trump, a young oak tree. And yesterday, Trump and Macron planted it on the White House lawn together. All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m (a giant green tramp)

Following a malfunction Monday night, more than a dozen people were trapped on a SeaWorld ride for four hours. Reached for comment the whales said, “Phase One complete. Now we train them to perform for our young.” --Stephen Colbert

Everyone says “The early bird gets the worm,” but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. --Stephen Colbert

Betsy DeVos, our secretary of education, has never attended, worked in, or sent her kids to public school. So how did she get the nomination? Well, there’s a tiny chance that money played a role, since DeVos’ family gave around $200 million to Republican causes, including donations to four senators on the committee overseeing her confirmation. Oooh, that reminds me of a math problem! “Betsy has $200 million. She needs 50 votes. How much money can she give to each senator to make sure public schools get less?” –Stephen Colbert

 

"This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp." –Stephen Colbert

"If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” (Dude, these came out of your seat!)

At the same event, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos read a book to a group of little kids. It was a sweet moment when one of the kids said, "Sound it out, Betsy. You can do it." --Jimmy Fallon

“Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he’s running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president.” —Jimmy Fallon

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he’s raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, “Happy to help. Can't wait.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months (a pooty call)

The White House canceled all of Trump's public events because of the snow. And because Trump got his tongue stuck on a flagpole. --Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump called Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his re-election. Yup, he called Putin on the phone, or as Trump calls it, “a pooty call.” --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study. But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have a study. –Jimmy Fallon

"This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn't where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it's not where it should be — kind of like the letters in 'Reince Priebus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed (Wait, how the hell am I still here?)

"Al Qaeda has launched its own womens magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed." –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, ‘Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that's my kind of guy.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Trump by almost 20 points. But he still has a great story. I mean nothing symbolizes America more than the son of poor immigrants growing up to run for president and being crushed by a billionaire. –Jimmy Fallon

In the past few weeks, Gary Cohn, Hope Hicks, and now Rex Tillerson have all left the White House. Most people have said they’re shocked — while Betsy DeVos was like, “Wait, how the hell am I still here?” --Jimmy Fallon

"After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, 'It has been fun time, and I'm sad to see everyone escape . . . I mean, get away . . . I mean, go home.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

laughing man, crying man, dancing lady, little guy with a dollar bill for a tongue, cat with heart eyes, and eggplant. Copy?

According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie. –Seth Meyers

“Just two weeks ago, Donald Trump claimed the US had only 15 cases and dropping ‘close to zero’. He could not have been more wrong. Close to zero is an insane thing to say when you’re on the brink of a disease outbreak. That should be emblazoned in history as the worst presidential prediction since Abraham Lincoln said, ‘I’m gonna see like 10 plays this year.’” —Seth Meyers

Vice President Mike Pence today cast the tie-breaking vote to confirm controversial education secretary nominee Betsy DeVos. And if you don’t know what that means, you’re probably Betsy DeVos. –Seth Meyers

Starting next month, people in Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis, which could complicate things for the police. "We got a blue sedan with license plate laughing man, crying man, dancing lady, little guy with a dollar bill for a tongue, cat with heart eyes, and eggplant. Copy?" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The White House must have restrained him tonight like he was Hannibal Lecter (a disturbing sculpture Eric Trump calls Lady Dad)

“The Democratic National Convention brought in some high-profile speakers on Wednesday, including Barack Obama, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton. That’s like Trump’s entire list of enemies. The White House must have restrained him tonight like he was Hannibal Lecter.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And of course, Hillary Clinton also spoke tonight. She was the only speaker to kick things off by slowly putting out a cigar and saying, ‘Well, well, well.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Former President Obama closed out tonight, and he talked about the current state our country is in and how Joe Biden can lead us out of it. Then he just said a bunch of words Trump can’t pronounce — [imitating Barack Obama] ‘Yosemite. Uh, Thailand. Uh, Minneapolis.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, this week marks 100 years since women gained the right to vote, and tonight there was a powerhouse lineup of speakers including Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris. It is going to be tough for the Republicans to match that. All they’ve got are Ivanka, Betsy DeVos and a disturbing sculpture Eric Trump calls Lady Dad.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”