It's the same thing Joe Biden said as he bit into a pine cone (the wrong guy)

So, at the McDonald's Impact Summit yesterday, President Trump praised the filet-o-fish, but said it needs more tartar sauce. It's the same thing Joe Biden said as he bit into a pine cone. —Greg Gutfeld

Democrat Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett claimed that Lee Zeldon received money from Jeffrey Epstein, but it turns out it wasn't the sex offender. It was actually a doctor donating to Zeldon's campaign. This is not to exonerate Zeldon, but to keep Hillary Clinton from hanging the wrong guy. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even when I crumple it up for them (but ends in a much lighter tone)

A new poll finds that nearly 30% of Gen Zers think that paying with cash is cringe. Even when I crumple it up for them. —Michael Che

Lionsgate has released the first trailer for “Michael," the upcoming biopic about Michael Jackson. And like Jackson, it starts out very dark but ends in a much lighter tone. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts (Now, maybe you can not invade Portland)

“All 20 Israeli hostages are home after 738 days in captivity. Almost 2,000 Palestinian prisoners and detainees have been released. And while we are only in the first phase of what will undoubtedly be a long and tricky process, the fact is the bombing has stopped, the hostages have been released, and Trump deserves some of the praise for that. And so, I know it sounds crazy to say, but good work on that one, President Trump. Now, maybe you can not invade Portland. Just an idea. I mean, while you’re on a roll. ” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Photos emerged of Katy Perry making out with Justin Trudeau on a yacht. I’ve been wondering how Canada was going to exact their revenge for the tariffs, and this is it. They’re taking our women. They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Multiply that by 1.8 million (Boy, is he going to regret that tomorrow)

A killer executed in Florida requested an unpleasant last meal of peanut butter, oatmeal, and two sports drinks. Boy, is he going to regret that tomorrow. —Greg Gutfeld 

Pete Hegseth replaced some of the soldiers in the Texas National Guard because they were too fat. He says it's been years since some of these troops have seen their privates. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just have the cigarette after (he only haunts the people he cares about)

Italy's Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni joked that she'd kill someone if she had to stop smoking. Hillary Clinton responded, "Just have the cigarette after.” —Greg Gutfeld  

During a recent interview, Kamala Harris made it clear that Joe Biden is ghosting her. The Biden's comforted Kamala telling her Joe only haunts the people he cares about. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

40 cans of White Claw (jab-cross combo)

So, President Trump landed in Israel where he facilitated the release of the Israeli hostages. Meanwhile, Kamala Harris landed in Margaritaville where she facilitated the release of 40 cans of White Claw. —Greg Gutfeld

Hillary Clinton commended Trump for the peace deal in Gaza. I would say that hell is frozen over, but Hillary’s not due there for another six to eight years. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating (Fixed this for you)

"People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating." –David Letterman

"A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Usually to produce a blast of that magnitude (solidarity is a verb)

A massive blast at a Chevron refinery in California produced enormous flames visible for miles. Usually to produce a blast of that magnitude, you'd have to pull Jerry Nadler’s finger. — Greg Gutfeld 

On October 5th, 1,200 people will run the International Taco Bell Ultra Marathon, where competitors stop and eat at nine Taco Bells. Nice. Or you could just stay home and s*** in your pants on a treadmill. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom (they set up the other party to inflict new evils)

Journalist Bob Woodward's new book detailing life within the Trump administration sold more than 750,000 copies in its first day of release. I guess it was pretty smart of him to call the book "Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom." --Seth Meyers

China is now home to the world’s longest glass bottom bridge, which hangs 600 feet over a canyon. It’s a great moneymaker. Access to the bridge is free, but they charge $400 for new pants. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band (Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents)

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Business Class (work is bad for you)

A skydiver in California just became the first person to jump out of a plane from 25,000 feet without a parachute and land in a net. Or as Southwest Airlines calls that, “Business Class.” –Jimmy Fallon

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he's been named head of programming at CNN (inflicting new evils)

Trump's tariffs brought in $64 billion in the second quarter. Even Biden officials were impressed, saying, "Think of how many drag shows in Africa that could pay for.” —Greg Gutfeld

A New York man who filmed up to 13,000 people in a hospital bathroom won't get jail time. But thanks to all that experience filming hours of crap, he's been named head of programming at CNN. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't want to spoil anything, but... (That's two words)

"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President

Bush with a single word -- 'intelligence.' When he heard this,

President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan

O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined (People without heads tend not to speak out)

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel

Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That's why. People without heads tend not to speak out. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

practice for later (freeze tag)

Bill Belichick’s 24-year-old girlfriend was criticized for repeatedly interrupting his interview on CBS Sunday Morning. She also pulled the plugs of several cameras which she called practice for later. —Greg Gutfeld

The White House Correspondent's Dinner was on Saturday and it might have been the most low energy event since Joe Biden challenged Mitch McConnell to a game of freeze tag. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. (cry closets)

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine's just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits. He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, this still isn't marijuana? (gift baskets)

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that many popular oregano brands are really olive leaves and other leaves falsely labeled as oregano. Or as high school stoners put it, “Wait, this still isn't marijuana?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only way for young people to pay off their student loans is by dating Bill Belichick (Recruitment Ad)

President Trump posted an AI generated video featuring a transformed Gaza with a Trump Hotel, bearded belly dancers and Benjamin Netanyahu lounging on a beach. The video was titled ISIS Recruitment Ad. —Michael Che

Last week, a US appeals court blocked a Biden era student debt relief plan, which means the only way for young people to pay off their student loans is by dating Bill Belichick. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition (Dammit, why did I get this)

A brawl broke out in a Canadian nursing home when a 79 year old woman took the seat of an 86 year old during a Bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition. --Michael Che, SNL

A new study shows that the Covid vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. ‘Dammit, why did I get this.’ —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I haven't seen a turd get this polished since Jim Acosta got a facial (medical skeletons)

When 60 Minutes interviewed Kamala Harris nearly all commentary on Foreign Affairs, including on Israel and Iran, were cleaned up. I haven't seen a turd get this polished since Jim Acosta got a facial. —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile the Old Guard is fleeing. Andrea Mitchell says she's bailing on MSNBC for better opportunities. And why not, I'm sure there's a science museum somewhere that needs a medical skeleton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”