Even when they don't lose, they don't win (so he made sure to choose his emoji's very carefully)

After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns' first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: Even when they don't lose, they don't win. --Jimmy Fallon

This weekend Kellyanne Conway said the author of the op-ed wants to "create chaos" and is a "national security risk." Then Trump was like, "Wait, maybe I wrote it!" --Jimmy Fallon

Some big political news. Today President Trump went on Twitter and announced that he is banning transgender people from serving in the military. Trump said he understands this is a very sensitive issue, so he made sure to choose his emoji's very carefully. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis (King Mookie)

It's come out that Red Sox star Mookie Betts is related to soon-to-be royal Meghan Markle. This means there's a chance that one day there will be a "King Mookie." --Conan O’Brien

Google has created several new emojis aimed at empowering women. So congratulations women, you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis. –Conan O’Brien

A senator made history this week by breastfeeding in the Senate Chamber. The bad news is, it was Mitch McConnell. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time (the only ones screaming)

Now on to some very, very incredibly important news tonight: There is a new set of emojis. They’re going to be released to smartphones in June. This new set will include a hedgehog, a puking face, a brain, and a merman. I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time. –James Corden

Here’s a story from my homeland and I could not be prouder today. In England a group of nearly 200 Brits set a world record, wait for it, it’s so moving. They set a world record for the most people to ride a roller coaster completely naked. Yeah, that’s what we have to offer the world. This is the first time that people watching the roller coaster were the only ones screaming. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened (And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised)

Taylor Swift announced she is launching a new app called “The Swift Life” that will feature “Taymojis,” which are emojis that look like her. And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised. –Seth Meyers

Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye’s Chicken and told the gunman, “I believe you want the guy behind the counter.” So we know at least one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson. –Seth Meyers

The New Yorker today released audio of fired Hollywood movie producer Harvey Weinstein begging a model to come into his hotel room and watch him shower. And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cool, at least they think we do something (You up?)

Seventy-two new emojis came out today, and I saw that one of the new emojis is a pregnant woman. Apparently it’s the emoji you get nine months after texting, “You up?” –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave (it just shows you the middle finger emoji)

“Scientists warn heat waves will be longer, more intense and more frequent. So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave.” — Stephen Colbert

“Yep, this week, when you open the weather app, it just shows you the middle finger emoji.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What happened to the last guy? (solidarity)

"Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, 'That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien

Google has created several new emojis aimed at empowering women. So congratulations women, you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas (more aggressive sales campaigns)

Starting next month, people in Queensland, Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis. It just doesn’t sound quite as cool for a car chase though to be like, “Dispatch, we’re in pursuit of a suspect. License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. I need backup, dammit!” --James Corden

The NCAA tournament continues, and according to a new study, the tournament leads to a 30% increase in vasectomies. Apparently men schedule the procedure so that they can recover while watching basketball. It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time (Just push through it)

Facebook and Instagram were down for 14 hours yesterday. So I was forced to look at Twitter. Going on Twitter because Facebook and Instagram are down is a bit like running out of beer and wine and going, “Probably time to try Meth.” --James Corden

A new study has just been released where food researchers have found that one-third of all foods Americans eat gives them something called “food guilt.” Food guilt is the regret you feel when you eat food that you know isn’t good for you. Now take it from me, here is the key. Just push through it. Just push through it. --James Corden

Now on to some very, very incredibly important news tonight: There is a new set of emojis. They’re going to be released to smartphones in June. This new set will include a hedgehog, a puking face, a brain, and a merman. I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fine! Take the armrest! (Fake moos)

Donald Trump responded to Ocasio-Cortez’s plan for a Green New Deal with a bunch of lies. Trump told people at a rally that under her plan, “You won’t even be able to own cows anymore.” Man, Trump is getting really desperate. In two years, he's gone from, "They're going to take your guns away," to, "They're going to take your cows away." No one is outlawing cows. You know what we call that? Fake moos. --Seth Meyers

A woman gave birth aboard a JetBlue flight to Florida this weekend. Said the man next to her, "Fine! Take the armrest!" --Seth Meyers

Starting next month, people in Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis, which could complicate things for the police. "We got a blue sedan with license plate, laughing man, crying man, dancing lady, little guy with a dollar bill for a tongue, cat with heart eyes, and eggplant. Copy?" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world (your flamingo has been in an accident)

That's right. President Trump's childhood home in Queens is currently up for sale. And according to "The Wall Street Journal," one of the bedrooms features a sign pointing to the spot where he was likely conceived. It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world. --Seth Meyers

59 new emojis will be available this fall, including a wheelchair and a flamingo, which is perfect if you need to tell someone your flamingo has been in an accident. --Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently it’s the emoji you get nine months after texting, “You up?” (intelligent disobedience)

A new Election Commission report just came out saying that the Trump campaign isn't doing so well financially, and is practically broke. It's not good — in fact today, Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel. –Jimmy Fallon

Seventy-two new emojis came out today, and I saw that one of the new emojis is a pregnant woman. Apparently it’s the emoji you get nine months after texting, “You up?” –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. After the birth, Bill brought flowers, while Hillary brought a focus group to help name the baby. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries (Yours in Crazy)

President Trump informed Kim Jong Un that he was canceling their summit by sending Kim a personal letter. The disturbing part is that Trump signed the letter, "Yours in Crazy." --Conan O’Brien

A new report says that the U.S. military is running out of bombs. As of now, the Pentagon is down to 100 bunker busters and six copies of "The Emoji Movie." --Conan O’Brien

Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like “wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. (He’s getting more presidential every day)

Starting next month, people in Queensland, Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis. It just doesn’t sound quite as cool for a car chase though to be like, “Dispatch, we’re in pursuit of a suspect. License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. I need backup, dammit!” --James Corden

Earlier in his campaign, Donald Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day. –James Corden

A woman in England was searching a farm with a metal detector when she found what she thought was a foil-wrapped chocolate coin only to find out later that it is a 1500 year old solid gold pendant worth a fortune. Yeah, unbelievable. To get that close to chocolate only to be disappointed. It’s a real bummer. She probably should have known it wasn’t a chocolate coin when she found it using a metal detector. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis (unless I'm naked/superpowers)

Google has created several new emojis aimed at empowering women. So congratulations women, you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis. –Conan O’Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi made an appearance on television to prove that he is still alive. When he saw this, Larry King said, 'That proves nothing. I died 60 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

The producers of the X-Men movies say their next X-Men movie will take place in the 1990s. In it, the X-Men use their superpowers to try and stop the Backstreet Boys. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time (Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, here’s another $500 Million)

Today the House Republicans were furiously working to get enough votes to pass the healthcare bill to replace Obamacare. As it stands, they may not have enough, and the vote has been postponed. Right now, it’s not looking good. The bill is basically on life support — and like most things on life support, Republicans will probably deny it coverage. –James Corden

According to a report from the New York Times, Donald Trump repeatedly exaggerated his net worth in order to obtain enormous bank loans. In one instance, he overstated his wealth by $2 Billion. I don’t know what to think of this story. It’s just not like Trump to lie. Banks gave him millions in loans despite his multiple bankruptcies. You know the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, here’s another $500 Million.” --James Corden

Now on to some very, very incredibly important news tonight: There is a new set of emojis. They’re going to be released to smartphones in June. This new set will include a hedgehog, a puking face, a brain, and a merman. I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, I saw more white powder in Cocaine Bear (everyone is remaining calm by repeating this mantra)

February 2023

“Well, guys, the big news here in New York City is, we finally got our first real snowfall of the year. The city got hit hard with 1.8 inches of snow. 1.8 inches. Is that really a big deal? I mean, I saw more white powder in Cocaine Bear.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis released his autobiography, ‘The Courage to be Free’. The book is already a number-1 bestseller, especially in Florida, where it's literally the only book on the shelf.” —Jimmy Fallon

“These are pretty tense times for Fox News, although everyone is remaining calm by repeating this mantra. ‘At least we're not CNN. At least we're not CNN. At least we're not CNN.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Following a report from the Energy Department that said COVID might have come from a Chinese lab leak, The White House announced that there is no government consensus on how the virus started. It's never good when the government's report on a pandemic is just the shrug emoji.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, for when you want to be chill about how rich you are (I'm the victim here!)

Luxury department store Barney's partnered with a cannabis company to open a high-end boutique in Beverly Hills where customers can buy accessories such as glass bongs and cannabis-infused candles. You know, for when you want to be chill about how rich you are. --Seth Meyers

Starting next month, people in Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis, which could complicate things for the police. "We got a blue sedan with license plate laughing man, crying man, dancing lady, little guy with a dollar bill for a tongue, cat with heart eyes, and eggplant. Copy?" --Seth Meyers

An unopened copy of the 1985 video game "Super Mario Bros." recently sold at auction for over $100,000, and when the buyer's wife found out, she moved to another castle. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good (America in two headlines)

59 new emojis will be available this fall, including a wheelchair and a flamingo, which is perfect if you need to tell someone your flamingo has been in an accident. --Seth Meyers

President Trump will reportedly have lunch with Chris Christie tomorrow. ”Just the salad, please,” said Christie when asked if there was anything on the menu he didn’t want. –Seth Meyers

And finally, a Cleveland mom was arrested this week after a child brought marijuana-infused gummy candies to school and shared them with at least 12 other students. Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric? (he made sure to choose his emoji's very carefully)

"Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going to be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there." –Jimmy Fallon

"The country's largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, 'Wow, that's great. What is a bus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Some big political news. Today President Trump went on Twitter and announced that he is banning transgender people from serving in the military. Trump said he understands this is a very sensitive issue, so he made sure to choose his emoji's very carefully. –Jimmy Fallon

And we’re still getting to know Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw that his friends like to call him “the Mooch.” When Trump heard, he was like, “Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric?” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”