Don't be condescencious. My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated (Yeesh, what does the loser get?)

Things aren’t getting any better for Samsung. They’re actually sending customers safety gloves to help them return the exploding phones. Then they were like, “Hold up, turns out the gloves are exploding too.” –Jimmy Fallon

The third and final debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is coming up in Las Vegas next week, and Hillary’s holding a contest where the winner gets to actually go watch it in person. Everyone was like, “Yeesh, what does the loser get?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new analysis of recent political speeches found that George W. Bush actually used longer and more complex words in his speeches than President Obama does. Granted none of those words were actually in the dictionary. "Don't be condescencious. My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves (two extra hands)

In the papers it's been reported that a woman in China who went in for a breast enlargement surgery ended up with two extra breasts. In a related story her husband wants to have surgery to give him two extra hands. --Conan O’Brien 4/2/2004

The Supreme Court has ruled that Samsung did not violate Apple’s patent on smartphone technology. The justices said, “It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves.” –Conan O’Brien

Earlier today Vice President Dick Cheney delivered a speech at the Republican Jewish coalition. There's a Republican Jewish coalition? Not surprisingly the group is made up entirely of Cheney's cardiologists. --Conan O’Brien 9/2/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bold of you to assume I wouldn't eat a person (Nope — just butts)

New data from the Hubble Space Telescope shows that the universe has two trillion galaxies, which is 10 times more than previously thought. The good news is, none of those galaxies are made by Samsung. –Jimmy Fallon

A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams recently said that dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents, and trying to please us. Then dogs said, "Nope — just butts." –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump said that he wants to “give back to the country” he loves. Then people were like, "There's always that OTHER way to give back to your country — Pay your taxes!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeesh, what does the loser get? (My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated)

The third and final debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is coming up in Las Vegas next week, and Hillary’s holding a contest where the winner gets to actually go watch it in person. Everyone was like, “Yeesh, what does the loser get?” –Jimmy Fallon

A new analysis of recent political speeches found that George W. Bush actually used longer and more complex words in his speeches than President Obama does. Granted none of those words were actually in the dictionary. "Don't be condescencious. My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated.” –Jimmy Fallon

Things aren’t getting any better for Samsung. They’re actually sending customers safety gloves to help them return the exploding phones. Then they were like, “Hold up, turns out the gloves are exploding too.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There must be a cheaper way to find the worst people in society (Upon hearing that Mike Pence threw out his TV)

Samsung has announced that to make it easier for users to watch smart phone videos it will begin selling a TV that can pivot between orientations. Upon hearing that Mike Pence threw out his TV. --Seth Meyers

"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is that both of you should get to be president." –Seth Meyers

"The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1 tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So you'll finally be able to say to a police officer, 'No, no, this is just weed.'" Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, maybe if you mowed lawns over the summer like I told you, you could afford that new kidney that you wanted (More power to the arm)

This is already making a little bit of controversy. Jason Chaffetz says poor people need to choose between healthcare or a new iPhone. And just like a Samsung Galaxy 7, that comment blew up in his face. Did I hear him correctly? Is he saying health insurance costs the same as a phone? Hey Jason, a phone isn’t supposed to literally cost you an arm and a leg. His comment was cold. Even Siri was like, “Are you not a human being?” But the real problem is he’s talking to the American people like he’s talking to his own kids. “Well, maybe if you mowed lawns over the summer like I told you, you could afford that new kidney that you wanted.” –James Corden

Senators in Rhode Island are proposing a new bill that would charge residents a one-time fee of $20 to access online pornography. State budget experts say this new porn bill could be profitable. They say it could generate roughly $13 gazillion. --James Corden

“Joe Biden’s a front-runner now, but it can’t be a great sign that his number one constituency is people who don’t want to see or hear from Joe Biden. Basically all Joe Biden has to do is lay low in South America for the next eight months — he’ll beat Trump in a landslide.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I know something else you can put in your baked goods (Close enough!)

I heard that putting cinnamon and nutmeg into your baked goods for the holidays can actually reduce stress. Then certain other people were like, “I know something else you can put in your baked goods. Marijuana, dude!” –Jimmy Fallon

Many Americans are planning to deep-fry their turkeys this year. But to save myself some time, I just stuffed my turkey with a Samsung Galaxy. –Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, ‘Close enough!’ –Jimmy Fallon

Carrie Fisher said that she went public with her affair with Harrison Ford because she felt like she waited an appropriate amount of time. Specifically, she said it was “a long time ago in a Winnebago far, far away.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not Voting Properly? (So, 13?)

Samsung announced recently that people who turn in their recalled Galaxy Note 7 phones will be eligible for a free Note 8 next year when it debuts. Said customers, "I'm not falling for it. I've been burned by Samsung before." –Seth Meyers

Amazon is testing a new service that allows couriers to unlock homes and leave packages inside. Learn more about the new service on a future episode of “Dateline.” –Seth Meyers

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly told the Trump administration that if it were up to him, the number of refugees admitted into the U.S. would be between zero and one. Said Betsy DeVos, “So, 13?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich! (Still not the clumsiest attempt to get to second base)

A former “Apprentice” contestant says that Donald Trump didn’t know the names of all the women on the show, and would describe them by their bodies and looks. When asked about it, Trump said, “Which woman said that? Brown Hair/Lazy Eye or Blond Hair/Nose Job?” –Jimmy Fallon

The president just signed a law that will require men’s restrooms in federal buildings to have baby-changing tables. Or as most guys will call that, “Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich!” –Jimmy Fallon

Samsung is sending out thermally insulated “flameproof” boxes for people returning its exploding Galaxy Note 7 phones. Samsung says they’re being “extra cautious,” while UPS is saying, “Please use FedEx.” –Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was game three between the Mets and Dodgers right here at CitiField! But the big story is from Saturday, when Dodgers player Chase Utley slid into second base and injured Rubén Tejada from the Mets. Or as my prom date called it, “Still not the clumsiest attempt to get to second base.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or as that’s known in Trump time (So at least they’ll be short)

July 2020

“That’s right, today was Trump’s first coronavirus briefing in almost three months, or as that’s known in Trump time, about 82 tell-all books.” —Jimmy Fallon

“This is like Samsung bringing back their exploding Galaxy phone.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The press secretary also said the briefings will focus on Trump’s accomplishments on the virus. So at least they’ll be short.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I’m excited the briefings are back, ‘cause I just want to see what kind of treatments Trump comes up with on the spot. [As Trump] ‘Have we tried canceling the virus? Can we get it canceled on Twitter?” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sunday afternoon they had a showing of the classic Bond film Octo-Hoo-Hah (I approve this massage, I mean message)

Samsung has announced that to make it easier for users to watch smart phone videos it will begin selling a TV that can pivot between orientations. Upon hearing that Mike Pence threw out his TV. --Seth Meyers

A movie theater in Nashville recently changed the name of the film Hellboy on its marquee to Heckboy because it’s located across the street from an elementary school. Even worse on a Sunday afternoon they had a showing of the classic Bond film Octo-Hoo-Hah. --Seth Meyers

Former Vice President Joe Biden released a new campaign video today where he ended, “I’m Joe Biden and I approve this massage, I mean message.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's never too late to insist it's too soon!

Even after people pointed out his error online, he tweeted the mistake a second time. So apparently, the Trump family only knows how to fix elections, not tweets. –James Corden

A new iPhone glitch is causing the lowercase letter "I" to be replaced by weird symbols. Have you experienced this? It's so odd. Apple addressed the issue with an official statement saying, "What are you gonna do, buy a Samsung?" –James Corden

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I’ll tell you exactly what you said! (Testi-Lying, pt. 2)

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick announced today that he is taking a leave of absence from the company. But he’ll be back in three minutes — no wait, hold on, now it’s saying five minutes. Six? Oh, no! Canceled?! –Seth Meyers

A new survey shows that men are four times more likely than women to take their cellphone out during a wedding or a funeral. While women are more likely to take their cellphone out during an argument. “I’ll tell you exactly what you said!” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles (trumpery)

A Texas man went on a date to see “Guardians of the Galaxy 2,” and is now suing his date for texting during the movie. He thinks he can sue her for texting. Who does this man think he is — the guardian of the Samsung Galaxy? The man said texting during a movie is “one of my biggest pet peeves.” Now, pet peeves are not what lawsuits are for. You don’t sue someone because they say expresso instead of espresso. –James Corden

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles. –James Corden

Walmart is already trying to capitalize on this by changing their slogan to “Walmart: Where You Can Always Save a Buck.” –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

JOKES: Even Siri was like, “Are you not a human being?” (blew up in his face)

This is already making a little bit of controversy. Jason Chaffetz says poor people need to choose between healthcare or a new iPhone. And just like a Samsung Galaxy 7, that comment blew up in his face. –James Corden

Did I hear him correctly? Is he saying health insurance costs the same as a phone? Hey Jason, a phone isn’t supposed to literally cost you an arm and a leg. His comment was cold. Even Siri was like, “Are you not a human being?” –James Corden

But the real problem is he’s talking to the American people like he’s talking to his own kids. “Well, maybe if you mowed lawns over the summer like I told you, you could afford that new kidney that you wanted.” –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Samsung said they’re delaying the release to coincide with Burning Man

This weekend, President Trump tweeted that President Obama tapped his phones at Trump Tower. Trump said it was particularly upsetting because he’s a private man who likes to keep his thoughts to himself. –Conan O’Brien

Samsung has announced that the release of the new Galaxy 8 will be delayed. A spokesman at Samsung said they’re delaying the release to coincide with Burning Man. –Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that Trump Administration Press Secretary Sean Spicer was the White House Easter Bunny in the early 2000s. Or as Spicer calls it "back when I had some dignity." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy

Hooters is opening a new chain of restaurant called Hoots, where they’re ditching their revealing outfits. They’re going to have male servers and . . . they just went out of business. –Jimmy Fallon 

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones. Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy. –Jimmy Fallon

Today was Groundhog Day, the day where we predict six more weeks of winter if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow. The groundhog has been predicting weather since 1887 and has been wrong 61 percent of the time. And yet, this is still front-page news every year. So I guess fake news isn’t a recent phenomenon. –James Corden

That’s right, the all-time queen of American drama was criticized by Meryl Streep

If you want to see real acting, just watch the Republican Congress as they pretend that everything's going to be okay for the next four years. –James Corden

Today marks the 10-year anniversary of the iPhone. The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 even celebrated with a fireworks display. –James Corden

Meryl Streep was given the Cecil B DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes last night and used her acceptance speech to criticize Donald Trump. That’s right, the all-time queen of American drama was criticized by Meryl Streep. –Seth Meyers

that’s just the shape it melted into when it caught fire (English Dog)

NBC is launching an all-Olympic channel next year. It will feature the Summer Games, the Winter Games, and two years of commercials in between. –Jimmy Fallon

The biggest dog in the world lives in the U.K. and on its hind legs stands at 7 feet, 6 inches tall. When asked if he likes being taken for a walk, his owner said, “I love it.” –Jimmy Fallon

It’s rumored that the iPhone 8 will have a curved screen made by Samsung. The screen wasn’t meant to be curved, that’s just the shape it melted into when it caught fire. –Conan O’Brien

It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves

The Supreme Court has ruled that Samsung did not violate Apple’s patent on smartphone technology. The justices said, “It’s clear that Samsung came up with the idea of a phone bursting into flames all by themselves.” –Conan O’Brien

According to a new poll, only 19% of New Jersey residents approve of their governor, Chris Christie. And they’re all restaurant owners. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump has yet to pick a secretary of state. Right now it’s between Mitt Romney and a guy spinning a sign in front of a “we buy gold” shop. –Conan O’Brien