The $17,000 Bet (pizza roll dipping dish)

A daredevil set himself on fire and dragged a car for 328 feet to set a new world record in what the Guinness Book of Records is calling the most dangerous automotive event not involving a female driver. —Greg Gutfeld

A passenger on a cruise ship jumped overboard to avoid a $16,000 gambling debt. But being smart, he just bet someone $17,000 that he would jump off a cruise ship. —Greg Gutfeld

French first lady Bridget Macron has agreed to provide scientific evidence that she is indeed a biological woman. If she's successful, Rosie O’Donnell may try and do the same thing? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, that just happened (10 poorest states)

The Royal wedding is just three days away! Which means in just three days, the world will finally get to see the queen do the Electric Slide. --Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a driiifteerrrrr! (because there’s no omelette bar)

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

As you know, I’m a Catholic, but I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelette bar. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s able to button his suit jacket without adding butter to his chest (Worst President Ever)

President-elect Donald Trump will fly to France this weekend to attend the reopening of the historic Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris, five years after it was gutted by a fire. And it’ll be interesting to see Trump and French President Macron interact. Trump is said to be jealous of the French president because he’s able to button his suit jacket without adding butter to his chest. — Jimmy Kimmel

When Notre-Dame was on fire five years ago, if you remember, Trump was very helpful. He tweeted, ‘So horrible to watch the massive fire at Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris. Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out?’ Because before then, nobody had thought of using water to put out a fire. That’s why he’s a genius. — Jimmy Kimmel

I read that President-elect Trump is going to Paris this weekend to attend the reopening of the Notre-Dame Cathedral after it was destroyed in a fire back in 2019. Yep, Trump’s going to take one step inside the church, and it’s going to burst right back into flames. — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You really don't think they know how angry we've become? (Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence!)

"On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that's what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn't able to eat for 24 hours." –Jimmy Fallon

 Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” –Jimmy Fallon

Speaking of strip clubs, listen to this. Yesterday, Mike Pence gave a speech to some Navy sailors. And before Pence walked out, the sailors were told that they had to clap like they were at a strip club. Even weirder, Pence was introduced like this. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Magic Mike Pence! --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? (You must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?)

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like,“Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?” –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn't a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president. –Jimmy Fallon

After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza (They found it in a tomb)

Archaeologists have uncovered an elixir of immortality in a 2000 year old Chinese tomb. Though, I do have suspicions this elixir of immortality may not work. First hint? They found it in a tomb. --Stephen Colbert

Macron brought a gift for Trump, a young oak tree. And yesterday, Trump and Macron planted it on the White House lawn together. All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body. --Stephen Colbert

One adult video website announced it would donate snow removal services to several cities in the Northeast because it wants to “plow Boston.” Very generous. Very, very generous. I’m not sure I trust the porn industry with city services. I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie (fake enthusiasm)

"Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie." – Conan O'Brien

When French President Emmanuel Macron greeted President Trump, he kissed Trump on both cheeks. Then out of habit, Michael Cohen showed up and handed Macron $130,000. --Conan O’Brien

"Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now? (when The Rock runs for president)

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn't a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, President Trump announced the United States will withdraw from the Paris climate agreement. Trump said he wants the entire country to be the same temperature as a Florida golf course. –Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like,“Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed (So, that just happened)

Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” –Jimmy Fallon

A restaurant in Lithuania is stirring up controversy by displaying a mural on its wall that shows Donald Trump kissing Vladimir Putin. Trump said he's not mad that it shows him kissing a man, he's mad that it shows him kissing someone over 40. –Jimmy Fallon

Two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Duran: Macron's troubles continue. France rating downgrade

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body (That's why we don't tax them)

French President Macron brought a gift for Trump, a young oak tree. And yesterday, Trump and Macron planted it on the White House lawn together. All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body. --Stephen Colbert

American's love rich people. That's why we don't tax them. --Stephen Colbert

"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood (Unplug me)

I'm very excited about this. There's another new episode of "Game of Thrones" this weekend. I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood. Even crazier, the previous record holder? "Golden Girls." -Really? --Jimmy Fallon

The music guest at tonight's dinner was provided by the Washington National Opera. When Macron asked Trump if he likes opera, Trump was like, "Not if she runs against me in 2020.” --Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The marijuana is so strong it renders you as useless as a member of the royal family (This is how he wanted to be remembered)

It has come out today that President Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Apparently, Cohen would pay women $130,000 to watch Hannity’s show. --Conan O’Brien

When French President Emmanuel Macron greeted President Trump, he kissed Trump on both cheeks. Then out of habit, Michael Cohen showed up and handed Macron $130,000. --Conan O’Brien

Meghan Markle’s nephew is creating a strain of marijuana called the "Markle Sparkle." The marijuana is so strong it renders you as useless as a member of the royal family. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: BOMBSHELL! French President Says France Is Done “Following” The United States

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

But at this point, I'd be willing to try President Roomba (Just Drive)

“During President Trump’s press briefing yesterday about the pandemic, he invited the founder of MyPillow to speak, at which point I used my pillow to scream into.” — Seth Meyers

“That’s right, the founder of MyPillow spoke at a coronavirus press briefing yesterday and encouraged Americans to use the time they’re self-isolating to read their Bibles. Oh, I don’t know — between the plague and the false idol next to you, I think the Bible is going to feel redundant.” — Seth Meyers

French President Emmanuel Macron said in a new interview that artificial intelligence could totally jeopardize democracy if left unchecked. But at this point, I'd be willing to try President Roomba. --Seth Meyers

A man in Australia reportedly returned to his car over the weekend to find a koala bear sitting in his back seat. Even weirder, when he got in, the bear said, "Just drive." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages (Pretend the last four years never happened)

In April, the White House will host France's President Macron for his first state dinner. Or as Trump has been telling people, "We're having macaroons for dinner." --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is expected to announce he's running for re-election in 2020. Yep, he's even got a great slogan: "Pretend the last four years never happened." --Jimmy Fallon

A mail carrier in Florida is refusing to deliver mail to a nudist community. He said, "Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels (chopped nuts)

Finally, a bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts. --Seth Meyers

Before taking questions from reporters today, President Trump brushed dandruff off French President Emmanuel Macron's shoulder, and said, "We have to make him perfect." Then Macron returned the favor by putting a bag over Trump's head. --Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that 86% of Americans said that it’s important that the president be loyal to their spouse. Said Melania, “No, seriously, I’m good.” --Seth Meyers

It's not often that a single event sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday, we got one that came pretty close. Remember, Trump brags that he only hires the best people, calls the Russia investigation a hoax, calls CNN fake news, and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay. So it was especially ironic when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel in the Russia investigation, and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN. The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then you suddenly realize how he got his name (a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage)

They celebrated O’Reilly’s career, saying, “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.” By rating stands he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage. –Stephen Colbert

And yet, not the most embarrassing thing to happen at the Easter Egg Roll. That honor goes to the official White House Snapchat account, which sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around “Secretary of ‘Educatuon’ Betsy DeVos.” It’s like Betsy DeVos always says, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘education’ . . . the way I spell it.” –Stephen Colbert

Bill O’Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It’s not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room. –Stephen Colbert

French president Emmanuel Macron brought a gift for Trump, a young oak tree. And yesterday, Trump and Macron planted it on the White House lawn together. All that shoveling is great practice for when Trump has to hide Michael Cohen's body. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We've tried nothing and we are all out of ideas (No, you're under arrest for being too sexy)

Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong Un with his father, Kim Jong Il. It got worse when Trump was like, “Which one’s married to Kanye?” –Jimmy Fallon

James Comey is promoting his new book “A Higher Loyalty.” Trump is furious about it because it insults his leadership, and because it forced him to read a book. --Jimmy Fallon

And this isn't good. Down in Florida, a man pretending to be a police officer was arrested after he pulled over an actual undercover cop. It got worse when the fake cop tried to get out of it by pretending to be a stripper. He was like, "No, you're under arrest for being too sexy." --Jimmy Fallon

I'm very excited about this. There's another new episode of "Game of Thrones" this weekend. I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood. Even crazier, the previous record holder? "Golden Girls." -Really? --Jimmy Fallon

Trump is hosting Emmanuel Macron. Trump loves Macron because when he speaks English, Trump closes his eyes and pretends it's the candlestick from "Beauty and the Beast." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”