Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! (So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave)

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! –Stephen Colbert

“Scientists warn heat waves will be longer, more intense and more frequent. So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will never have to take Viagra again (Jeb Bush's spirit)

It came out that Donald Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Good news for people with glaucoma as well as people with “glaucoma.” (one of us would become a warlord)

Congress this weekend ended the federal government’s ban on medical marijuana. Good news for people with glaucoma as well as people with “glaucoma.” –Seth Meyers

“And according to new research, taking the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra could decrease the risk of developing Alzheimer’s. Which is great, because there’s nothing worse than getting an erection and forgetting why.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even worse, they were researching extra strength Viagra (five minutes a day of vigorous exercise)

Police in South Carolina are warning residents to stay indoors with doors and windows shut after 40 monkeys escaped from a medical research facility. Even worse, they were researching extra strength Viagra. —Colin Jost

A new study finds that just five minutes a day of vigorous exercise can help lower blood pressure, which you can easily achieve if you cross paths with those Viagra monkeys. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But to be fair, people do grieve differently (And that was just by Congress)

 

"According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress." –Jay Leno

"A 66-year-old republican deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. But to be fair, people do grieve differently." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings (drone crimes)

“Stimulus checks will soon be arriving for those who need them

and will include an extra $500 per child. Finally a reason for

Trump to acknowledge the existence of Eric.” —Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile in Zambia an energy drink has been banned after it was found to contain viagra. So, obviously it’s not a soft drink. --Stephen Colbert

“Now, and it turns out, the president is not legally allowed to sign checks from the I.R.S. So instead, Mnuchin decided to put the president’s name in the ‘memo’ section of the check. Still better than Trump’s alternative: tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, that's catchy (...and forgetting why)

The House passed a Republican tax bill today, which was great news for everyone from the super wealthy all the way down to that's it. –Seth Meyers

“And according to new research, taking the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra could decrease the risk of developing Alzheimer’s. Which is great, because there’s nothing worse than getting an erection and forgetting why.” —Seth Meyers

President Trump today denied a Washington Post report that he was considering rescinding his nomination of Supreme Court justice Neil Gorsuch. Prior to his confirmation, calling it, you guessed it, fake news. Hey, man, you're burning out your own catch phrase. Pretty soon you're going to need a new catch phrase, like "It's golfing time." Or "I hereby resign from the presidency of the United States." Oh, that's catchy. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Russia was in my cereal this morning (I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36)

According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state, in over 20 years. ”Wow,” said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison. –Seth Meyers

President Trump today met with executives from the pharmaceutical industry, and they once again explained to him that there’s no such thing as Viagra for your hands. –Seth Meyers

Happy birthday to Dolly Parton, who turned 70 today. I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy! (Postnut clarity)

A new poll shows that President Biden and Donald Trump are tied in a hypothetical 2024 rematch, but they’re both running 50 points behind Kill Me! —Michael Che

After Dwayne Johnson complained that a wax figure of him at a museum in France had the wrong skin tone, the museum has attempted to darken the statue. Unfortunately, it melted in the tanning bed. —Michael Che

New research suggests that Viagra can help lower a man’s chances of developing Alzheimer’s by 60%, thanks to an effect researchers are calling Postnut Clarity. —Michael Che

Olive Oil prices have more than doubled following extreme weather, which sadly has forced many New Jersey residents to bathe in water. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton (But to be fair, people do grieve differently)

"Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart." –Jay Leno

"A 66-year-old republican deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. But to be fair, people do grieve differently." –Jay Leno

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm going to need another clue (Surprise me! Just go for it!)

Another big story is Donald Trump's feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions. When he was asked about what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, "Time will tell." When asked if he was just stealing lines off his magic eight ball, Trump said, "Ask again later." –Jimmy Fallon

Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don't know what they're going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, "Surprise me! Just go for it!” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, "I'm going to need another clue." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

None of his missiles seem to launch (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

"President Bush said that the American people are addicted to oil. To which Vice President Dick Cheney said, 'Not that there's anything wrong with that.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'" –Jay Leno

 

"The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What is it about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! (Or should I say the all-Frank beef?)

Apparently — this is being reported in the Washington Post — President Trump was showing off for his guests telling the Russians: “I get great Intel. I have people brief me on great Intel every day.” Well, yeah. You’re the president. It’s the job. It’s like the guy working the fry station saying, “You would not believe the tater tots I have access to.” –Stephen Colbert

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! –Stephen Colbert

The report doesn't specify the source of the human DNA in hot dogs. Is it hair? Is it fingernails? Did a lonely factory worker stay late one night and seduce a sausage casing machine? Could your pig in a blanket have a bun in the oven? This news completely changes America's love affair with the all-beef frank. Or should I say the all-Frank beef? –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Those footprints in the sand are running straight into the ocean screaming (So, obviously it’s not a soft drink)

Ever since the FBI raided his lawyer Michael Cohen’s offices, the walls have been closing in on the president, and he's not happy. One source said, "We're at a different level now. He's losing his (bleep)." And another just said, "Jesus take the wheel." Buddy, I hate to tell ya, Jesus flung the door open a few miles back and then tucked and rolled into a ditch. Those footprints in the sand are running straight into the ocean screaming. --Stephen Colbert

And Donald Trump is ready to take drastic action against everyone investigating him, no matter who. One Trump friend told Vanity Fair, "I could see him having a total meltdown and saying, '(bleep) it, I'm firing all of them.' This is very dry tinder. If someone strikes a match to it, you could see it catching fire." "Dry Tinder," by the way, is how Mike Pence met his wife. --Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile in Zambia an energy drink has been banned after it was found to contain viagra. So, obviously it’s not a soft drink. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit (I will never have to take Viagra again)

It came out that Donald Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit. –Jimmy Kimmel

Chris Christie flew all the way to Florida to stand behind Donald Trump supporting him. Throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. He looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden. He looks as though someone just told him butterscotch causes cancer. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's going to be the first president to show up to his impeachment trial with a public defender (there’s no such thing as Viagra for your hands)

“Former President Donald J. Trump lost five lawyers from his legal defense team over the weekend. At this rate, Trump’s going to be the first president to show up to his impeachment trial with a public defender.” —Seth Meyers

Due to frigid temperatures, railroad tracks in Chicago were set on fire today in order to keep trains running smoothly. While in New York, we have no idea why our train tracks are on fire. --Seth Meyers

President Trump today met with executives from the pharmaceutical industry, and they once again explained to him that there’s no such thing as Viagra for your hands. –Seth Meyers

President Trump yesterday praised Chicago Cubs co-owner Todd Ricketts’ appointment as the RNC’s new finance chairman, calling him a great addition. Yeah, great if you want to win one election every 108 years. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle (Here comes Banana Hammer!)

Yesterday, Trump's national security adviser, John Bolton, appeared in front of reporters while holding a notepad, and everybody could see his top-secret notes. This is real. Take a look at this. It says "5,000 troops to Colombia." Well, it's not the first time a politician has mistakenly revealed what's on their notepad during a meeting. For example, it also happened to Chris Christie. His notepad said, "5,000 wings to Super Bowl party." Up next, Betsy DeVos. Her notepad said, "5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle." --Jimmy Fallon

And all day, newscasters were doing interesting things to show just how cold it was. Check out what they did on the Today Show this morning, “So, how cold is it? One man actually turned this super-frozen banana into a makeshift hammer.” What? -That's actually footage of Trump trying to build his border wall. Usually you only hear the phrase "banana hammer" at a male strip club. "Here comes Banana Hammer!" --Jimmy Fallon

Today Amazon announced it's creating its own healthcare company. That's kind of awkward getting healthcare from Amazon. Especially when a drone flies over your house and says "Viagra for Bob. Viagra for Bob." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was gonna have a garage sale, but his garage is a crime scene, so it's just like — he can’t (store-brand uranium)

January 2023

“Ukrainian President Zelenskyy said that he isn't sure if Vladimir Putin is still alive. Right now, 20 Russian officials are sitting around a conference table like, ‘You poke him.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, a new study found that men who use Viagra are more likely to live longer. The worse part, Joe Biden is using the news to reassure everyone that he can serve another term.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, today the U.S. hit the debt ceiling, which means the federal government can't borrow any more money. Right now the U.S. is $31 trillion in debt. The country's so strapped for cash, George Santos is e-mailing people pretending to be a Nigerian prince. Also to make some extra money, it’s now called the Gillette Mach3 Washington Monument.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But Republicans say they won't raise the debt ceiling unless there are drastic spending cuts. They even want us to switch our nukes to store-brand uranium. I mean, come on.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said extraordinary measures are being taken to keep the government's bills paid. Which explains why tonight Mitch McConnell started an OnlyFans.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right. Everyone wants to chip in. Today President Biden said he was gonna have a garage sale, but his garage is a crime scene, so it's just like — he can’t.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because there’s nothing worse than getting an erection and forgetting why (Well, he sounds like a Democrat to me)

December 2022

“When asked if he would follow the lead of Senator Kyrsten Sinema and leave the Democratic party, fellow obstructionist Joe Manchin, of West Virginia, told reporters: ‘I’ll look at all of these things. I’ve always looked at all those things, but I have no intention of doing anything right now.’ Well, he sounds like a Democrat to me.” —Seth Meyers

“And according to new research, taking the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra could decrease the risk of developing Alzheimer’s. Which is great, because there’s nothing worse than getting an erection and forgetting why.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”