Tell us the results of your M.R.I., without telling us the results of your M.R.I. (There's probably a lesson in there somewhere)

“Donald Trump’s tweets were all over the place. Obama, Biden, sedition, Christmas, and you can tell he was watching Fox News, because at one point he inquired about getting a reverse mortgage on the White House.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s like someone said to Trump, ‘Tell us the results of your M.R.I., without telling us the results of your M.R.I.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“OK, let’s be fair. Maybe Trump is so old that he fell asleep in an afternoon meeting. Or maybe he just closed his eyes to better concentrate on filling his adult diaper.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not one decent cell in his body (See, this is why Hillary destroyed her server with a hammer)

“In one email, Jeffrey Epstein wrote, ‘I have met some very bad people, none as bad as Trump. Not one decent cell in his body.’ Oh, it’s gotta hurt when Jeffrey Epstein calls ‘you’ a bad guy. That’s like an airport muffin accusing you of being dry.” — Stephen Colbert

“But one of the emails apparently says that Trump, ‘knew about the girls.’ See, this is why Hillary destroyed her server with a hammer.” — Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, everyone is suffering (he's kind of a bummer to hang out with)

"This is reported to be the 12th time Harold Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." –Jimmy Kimmel

"National parks are shut down. NASA is shut down. There is one government building still open. That is the congressional gym – the exclusive gym where congressmen work out. But the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no longer available due to the shutdown. So, everyone is suffering." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Pretty sure they just want internet censorship (when the warranty on her face runs out)

 The ongoing government shutdown means TSA employees haven't been paid in 36 days. Yeah. So now they're just groping you for tips. —Greg Gutfeld   

Nancy Pelosi announced she will not seek re-election to Congress in 2026, which which coincidentally is when the warranty on her face runs out. —Greg Gutfeld 

Nancy Pelosi announced she wouldn't seek reelection, saying the Democrats need new blood. That was before adding that she also needs new blood. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the record for most circling vultures (Nut up)

New research shows that childhood peanut allergies have declined over 40% in recent years due to earlier exposure to peanuts, which was exactly the goal of my health campaign "Nut up, kids!” —Colin Jost

An 80-year-old woman set a record for oldest female to hike the Appalachian Trail, and also the record for most circling vultures. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, I guess we’ll have to cancel the whole season and pretend it never happened (Wow. She moved on fast)

Police say a man in Nebraska snuck into a home and slept with a sex doll belonging to a man who recently died. Wow. She moved on fast. —Michael Che

The Tennessee Titans halted in-person workouts after three players tested positive for the coronavirus. Well, I guess we’ll have to cancel the whole season and pretend it never happened said the New York Jets. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's probably a lesson in there somewhere (Starring Kevin Spacey)

“Yeah, there is a cease-fire, and that is very good news. And I do know that the phrase ‘very good news’ is not one you hear much these days. It’s kind of like ‘Be kind, rewind’ or ‘Starring Kevin Spacey’ or ‘Cuomosexual.’ I thought those days were gone forever.” — John Oliver

Well, yesterday, President Trump finally released what everyone has been asking him to release. George Santos. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So for now, we just address him as Boy George (She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold's book reveals

all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages

long." –Craig Ferguson

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (get ahold of yourself)

“No, this is true; I guess Mitt Romney’s staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself.’ That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“I guess Mitt Romney's staff played an April Fools' joke on him. They told him there was a run on the banks in the Cayman Islands. You should have seen his face.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

every show has a four wife minimum (it's your fault for not voting properly)

Major comedians are being slammed for taking money from Saudi Arabia to perform at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. The royals over there love it, even though every show has a four wife minimum. — Greg Gutfeld 

Kelly Ripa had to reach down into her cleavage after a microphone fell down there on air. A similar incident happened to Anna Navarro, but while retrieving it, they discovered three illegals. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom (they set up the other party to inflict new evils)

Journalist Bob Woodward's new book detailing life within the Trump administration sold more than 750,000 copies in its first day of release. I guess it was pretty smart of him to call the book "Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom." --Seth Meyers

China is now home to the world’s longest glass bottom bridge, which hangs 600 feet over a canyon. It’s a great moneymaker. Access to the bridge is free, but they charge $400 for new pants. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You lost my brother?! (I wasn't anywhere near that dude)

At last night’s Republican debate on CNN, one of the big moments was when Jeb Bush admitted to smoking marijuana during high school. Marijuana denied having anything to do with Jeb Bush. “I wasn't anywhere near that dude.” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb's baggage and he was like, “You lost my brother?!” –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney is back in the news. He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What happened to Eisenhower? (Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!)

And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt “used” by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, “Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!” –Jimmy Fallon

According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash (I'll take two)

Illinois Governor JB Pritzker said illegal migrants are our neighbors and friends. He followed up by saying, “And they can keep a secret when I ask them to bathe me in a car wash.” —Greg Gutfeld

Earlier today, Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone 17. 17? I'll take two, said Anthony Weiner. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business)

"The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher 

It's a bullish market. Lobbyists who used to just lease a congressman are now buying. --Bill Maher

"Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America except he has to show ID when he votes." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, I'll do it! I talked myself into it! (the lamest use of a magic wand)

In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like to change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand." --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump just gave a big interview to the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he’d want to play him in a movie, he said, “Somebody really, really handsome.” Then he said, “OK, I'll do it! I talked myself into it!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (which explains why Nancy Pelosi’s interns keep going missing)

According to a new study, aging skin is rejuvenated by young blood and bone marrow, which explains why Nancy Pelosi’s interns keep going missing. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump said the homeless population in DC must move out immediately. He promised to be careful though because John Fetterman only looks homeless. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way? (your rulers are afraid of you)

"So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don't know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!" —David Letterman

"The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, 'I'm going to finish what my brother started.'" —David Letterman

"Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?" –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He's out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a four-letter word for enclosure (the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership)

A Massachusetts man was arrested this weekend for stripping naked and doing yoga poses in a Planet Fitness gym. That story again, a man in Massachusetts has become the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership. --Seth Meyers

A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Business Class (work is bad for you)

A skydiver in California just became the first person to jump out of a plane from 25,000 feet without a parachute and land in a net. Or as Southwest Airlines calls that, “Business Class.” –Jimmy Fallon

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”