When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart (This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran)

"Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two

wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to

cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants

off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my

heart." –Jay Leno

"Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years.

The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before

they can retire is now 78.3 years." –Jay Leno

"Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie

Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America (spirit animals)

"This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, 'Forward.' And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, 'My money might be offshore, but my heart's right here in America.'" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he's waiting, it's because it takes him that long to gather a crowd." –Jay Leno

"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Besides, you're saying it wrong. (This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave)

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, vice president Pence seems to be learning some Trumpy new tricks about self-promotion. Mike Pence’s office is refusing to let White House health experts appear on CNN unless the network promised to air the vice-president’s non-expert comments. I don’t know how we explain this to Mike Pence, but he isn’t Batman. He’s Robin. Nobody cares about Robin. In the last 30 years they made nine Batman movies, Robin only got to be in two of them. So calm down, boy wonder. This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months! (his worst nightmare)

I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, “Blac Chyna.” Or as Donald Trump calls that, “his worst nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

War, Uh... Finds a Way (Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance)

Everyone’s OK, but over the weekend off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, “I’ll get them next time.” –Conan O’Brien

"In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'" –Conan O'Brien

“Mitt Romney just barely won the Republican primary in Ohio by 1%. Then Romney made the mistake of saying, 'Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a victory for the 1%!'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates (which breaks Kenny Rogers' old record)

"According to the latest polls out today, John McCain now has a double digit lead over the Democrats. To give you an idea how far McCain is ahead in the polls, today, Hillary offered him the vice presidency." --Jay Leno

“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” –Jay Leno

 

"The new White House press spokesman is Fox News Channel's Tony Snow. This is the White House's third new face in two weeks, which breaks Kenny Rogers' old record." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (Panic Room)

"The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah." --Jay Leno

"In movie news, the movie 'Panic Room 2' is now in development. The whole thing is gonna be filmed at Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters." --Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is generally when he moves on to something better (secretly buying democracy: wrong!)

"To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy." –Stephen Colbert

"After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt Gingrich’s campaign looked terminally ill – which is generally when he moves on to something better." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade (a woman named Juanita)

"Liz Cheney has decided to pull out of her Senate campaign race in Wyoming — thus making her the first Cheney with an actual exit strategy." –Jay Leno

"And former President Bush says he's been following the situation in Yemen very carefully. But, you know, we love President Bush, but I don't think he really understands the situation. Like today, Bush said, 'When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver (the psychological war of 2021)

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Actually I’m a great loser! (the ocean will still have plenty)

According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty.--Seth Meyers

After Jeb Bush’s decision not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called him a “bad loser.” Said Jeb, “Actually I’m a great loser! I do it all the time! It’s what I’m best at!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Praising the Deep State (the guy who was sitting next to her is not)

After the Bush family announced that they will not attend this

week's Republican National Convention, Newt Gingrich this

morning told interviewers that he believes the Bushes are

behaving childishly. When reached for comment, Jeb hid behind

his mom's leg. –Seth Meyers

"A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby right

in the middle of the flight. I'm happy to report that the mother and

child are doing fine, while the guy who was sitting next to her is

not." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Adultery of Hope (What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?)

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" –Jay Leno

"It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How large of a decrease in their standard of living will Americans tolerate? (It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen)

"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive

people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like

July." –Jay Leno

"Today Newt Gingrich didn't agree or disagree on the gay marriage thing. However, he did say there should be a term limit on all marriages." –Jay Leno

"The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Honestly, I am wasted here (Yes, I don't)

Former FBI Director James Comey was interviewed on ABC last night, and he said that Trump often changes his story and contradicts himself. In response, Trump said, "Yes, I don't." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unplug me (but, yeah...Russia)

Ted Cruz and his wife appeared in a town hall on CNN recently and his wife said that after they got back from their honeymoon, Ted bought 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. But to be fair, I feel like anyone who has watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods. –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz's daughters were also at the town hall. They said that if they end up in the White House, they want to have Taylor Swift over for dinner. Then Ted Cruz said, "I hope she likes chunky soup because I have 200 cans in the living room." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you (water and air)

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Why on earth would his name be on the stimulus checks? They’re not from him. It’s not his money. Trump didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels.” — Jimmy Kimmel

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you need a skull? (And who do I make the check out to?)

"To celebrate Shakespeare's 450th birthday, the Globe Theatre has plans to perform Hamlet in every country in the world, including North Korea. Said one North Korean official, 'Do you need a skull? Because we can get you a skull.'" –Seth Meyers

As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York, or move into the White House. Said Melania, “And who do I make the check out to?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”