5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle (Here comes Banana Hammer!)

Yesterday, Trump's national security adviser, John Bolton, appeared in front of reporters while holding a notepad, and everybody could see his top-secret notes. This is real. Take a look at this. It says "5,000 troops to Colombia." Well, it's not the first time a politician has mistakenly revealed what's on their notepad during a meeting. For example, it also happened to Chris Christie. His notepad said, "5,000 wings to Super Bowl party." Up next, Betsy DeVos. Her notepad said, "5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle." --Jimmy Fallon

And all day, newscasters were doing interesting things to show just how cold it was. Check out what they did on the Today Show this morning, “So, how cold is it? One man actually turned this super-frozen banana into a makeshift hammer.” What? -That's actually footage of Trump trying to build his border wall. Usually you only hear the phrase "banana hammer" at a male strip club. "Here comes Banana Hammer!" --Jimmy Fallon

Today Amazon announced it's creating its own healthcare company. That's kind of awkward getting healthcare from Amazon. Especially when a drone flies over your house and says "Viagra for Bob. Viagra for Bob." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I was binge-watching a marathon of Kevin Spacey movies (he asked if he could declare bankruptcy and start over)

“One disturbing part of this poll was the fact that 14 percent of voters would vote for another candidate, would not vote or did not know. Did not know? How the hell do you live through three and half years of Donald Trump and have no opinion? ‘What’s that? Who’s president? Donald Trump? The guy from “The Apprentice”? Well, I missed that one. I was binge-watching a marathon of Kevin Spacey movies’ — what?” —Stephen Colbert

“Yup, Joe Biden has his biggest lead yet. When he read about it in the paper, Biden was like, ‘Wow, good for Joe Biden. He must be thrilled.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Not only is Biden ahead the polls, he also raised more money than Trump last month. Yeah, Trump’s so desperate for money, he’s going to start writing a tell-all book about himself.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, Trump’s poll numbers are so low, he asked if he could declare bankruptcy and start over.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Those numbers are so bad for Trump, today he held up John Bolton’s book to change the subject.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

At this point, Trump’s sued more books than he’s read (That’s really all you need to know about someone)

“According to John Bolton, Trump’s ignorance is near-bottomless. Apparently, Trump didn’t seem to know that Britain was a nuclear power and asked if Finland were part of Russia. Now, you can understand his confusion there, because under President Trump, it feels like we’re kind of part of Russia.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yep, Bolton says he knew he had a duty to tell Americans the truth — once the check cleared for his book advance.” —Jimmy Fallon

“There’s no one, no one to root for in a Trump-versus-Bolton fight. They’re both megalomaniac sociopaths looking out for themselves. It’s a real ‘Alien vs Predator’ situation, except all you need to do to stop Alien Trump is install a ramp.” —Seth Meyers

“And by the way, while Trump is fighting off this book, he’s also the subject of another tell-all book by his own niece. Yeah, apparently, Trump is considering suing her as well because, like all normal families, his niece signed an NDA in 2001. And I can’t even begin to imagine how awkward Thanksgiving is going to be for the Trump family.” —Trevor Noah

“Trump claims his niece’s book would violate the terms of a nondisclosure agreement he had her sign in 2001. Imagine having an NDA with your niece. That’s really all you need to know about someone.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“At this point, Trump’s sued more books than he’s read.” —Jimmy Fallon

“If the lawsuit fails, Trump has a backup plan. He is going to build a chain-link fence around every Barnes & Noble.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They are literally putting a Band-Aid on the problem of racism (Nixon Christ Superstar)

“This is an interesting sign of the times, a small show of progress, perhaps. Johnson and Johnson announced via Instagram their plan to help heal our nation’s wounds, a line of racially inclusive Band-Aids. The Johnsons wrote: ‘We hear you. We see you. We’re listening to you.  We stand in solidarity with our Black colleagues, collaborators and community in the fight against racism, violence and injustice.’ They are literally putting a Band-Aid on the problem of racism.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“But good for Band-Aids for finally opening things up beyond the shade they’ve been using for a hundred years, a color known internally as ‘Ed Sheeran’s Neck.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Former national security adviser John Bolton’s new book is called The Room Where It Happened, a reference to the musical Hamilton, which is kinda weird – it’s like if Woodward and Bernstein called their book Nixon Christ Superstar.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he showed up at the trial looking like a priest walking into a porno theater (The Killer Behind You)

In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If you’re friends about to get murdered, you don’t go off and write a novel called, “The Killer Behind You.” —Colin Jost

Harvey Weinstein showed up to a court appearance with a walker. And then like Willy Wonka, he dropped the walker, did a somersault and ejaculated into a plant. —Colin Jost

Krispy Kreme doughnuts is opening a flagship store in Times Square. Every time I walk through Times Square, I step in something that can best be described as Krispy Kreme. —Colin Jost

Trump’s other attorney was Clinton impeachment prosecutor Ken Starr, who lamented that presidential impeachment has become a weapon to be welded against on’e political opponent. Which is a quote so hypocritical, even a guy like Ken Starr has to be ashamed to make it. Maybe that’s why he showed up at the trial looking like a priest walking into a porno theater. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

your temporarily uncut brake cables/and threw them in Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell/No Things Considered

“During an interview on NPR’s ‘All Things Considered’ last Friday, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo refused to answer questions about Ukraine. So if you have all this stuff you don’t want to be asked about, maybe don’t go on a show called ‘All Things Considered.’ They mean ‘all things.’ If you don’t like questions, I think Fox News has a show called ‘No Things Considered.’” —Seth Meyers

“Guys, more revelations are coming out from John Bolton’s new book. Apparently, he was afraid that Trump was granting favors to the leaders of Turkey and China. I’m not saying Trump wants this book to disappear, but he just bought all the copies and threw them in Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today we learned that the White House issued a formal threat to Bolton to keep him from publishing his book. Wow, so rare for Trump to issue a formal threat. [Imitating Trump] ‘Dearest esteemed colleague, it is my sincerest recommendation that you keep one eye open while you sleep. Best regards to your family and your temporarily uncut brake cables, Donald J. Trump.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

whatever necrosis is making Rudy Giuliani decompose/zombie apocalypse/it won’t be because I’m Irish

“John Bolton’s book won’t be officially released until March 17, which, of course, is St. Patrick’s Day. So this year, when I’m drunk and throwing up, it won’t be because I’m Irish.” —Stephen Colbert

The Center for Disease Control has been monitoring over 100 people in the US for coronavirus, and maintains the threat is minimal. The good news is, the CDC is working hard to contain and study the coronavirus, The bad news is that same CDC has lost a dangerous amount of its funding. In recent years, the CDC has scaled back work in dozens of countries based on budget cuts; it cut efforts to prevent outbreaks in foreign countries by 80% in 2018. Despite the obvious benefits too funding an agency that prevents a zombie apocalypse, the Trump administration’s budget proposal actually recommended another 10% cut to the CDC’s funding. How does a notorious germaphobe cut the budget of an agency that fights infectious diseases? Just tell Trump the CDC needs the money to keep him from catching whatever necrosis is making Rudy Giuliani decompose. —Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

matching quid pro quo back tattoos (except they keep coming back)

“Believe it or not, the John Bolton revelations aren’t the only big new piece of evidence. Because remember Lev Parnas, yes? Rudy Giuliani’s right-hand man and the Count from ‘Sesame Street’? Well, after Parnas said he worked with Trump to get dirt on Joe Biden, Trump repeatedly claimed he has no idea who this man is, and that’s even though they have appeared in more photos together than Mariah Carey and Christmas trees.” —Trevor Noah

“Come on, guys, I’m sorry — you just can’t keep pretending that Trump doesn’t know this guy, all right? Because, first, they said Trump wouldn’t remember all the people he takes photos with. O.K., I understand that. Now they’re saying Trump can’t remember all the people he has private dinners with? What’s next? They’re gonna be like, ‘Look, the president gets matching quid pro quo back tattoos with a lot of people — he can’t be expected to remember all of them!’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This guy wants to send your children to college (They want to send them to Iran)

“This is the heart of the entire impeachment thing, so I don’t know how Senate Republicans can justify not hearing from John Bolton now. Like, like — there’s no reason. Imagine an eyewitness to a murder wanted to testify and the judge just refused. You know, just like, ‘Your Honor — I saw this man and I saw the crime firsthand.’ He would be like, ‘No spoilers! No spoilers! I want to see how it ends.’” —Trevor Noah

“And this just goes to show you that sometimes political figures will have the moral courage to go against their party as long as it’s perfectly timed with the release of a book.” —James Corden

“These allegations are the most disturbing thing to come from John Bolton’s lips since his mustache.” —James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Let's return to the tax policy of Radical Socialist Dwight Eisenhower (store-brand hemorrhoid cream)

“We are now officially tits-deep in the Trump impeachment trial. The only thing standing between us and justice is 53 Republican Senators and the reality that this entire process is doomed – let’s get hopeless!” —Samantha Bee

“At issue in the Senate trial on Wednesday was the admittance of new evidence. Republicans voted along party lines to reject the appearance of witnesses such as the former national security adviser John Bolton or Lev Parnas, a former associate of Rudy Giuliani in Ukraine. Which is a shame, because Parnas brought receipts to the table – huge receipts, like CVS-level receipts that are 30 feet long and come with a coupon for store-brand hemorrhoid cream.” —Samantha Bee

“Perhaps most damning is a note Parnas wrote on Ritz-Carlton stationery in which he explicitly stated his goal to get Zelensky to investigate Joe Biden. If that evidence were any more of a smoking gun, Don Jr. would be holding it over a dead elephant. —Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they’re going to have to take a party bus to the trial (it will be just like flying Southwest)

“Lev Parnas said everyone in Trump’s inner circle knew what was going on. Mike Pence, John Bolton, the attorney general, William Barr — probably even Kanye knew what was going on.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“So many people are involved, they’re going to have to take a party bus to the trial.” —Trevor Noah

“Chief Justice John Roberts and his members of the Senate took an oath to remain completely impartial during the impeachment trial. Yeah, then they all laughed for four hours.” —Conan O’Brien

“The last time this happened, no one had phones. So this time, senators will not be allowed to use their phones during the trial, and they will have to stand when they cast votes, which is a big deal because, well, for a lot of these senators, this will be the first time they’ve ever stood for anything.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yep, during the entire trial, senators will have to remain in their seats. And if they’re also refused food and water, it will be just like flying Southwest.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump doesn’t have to go back for phase two of his annual physical (used by Russians and full of alcohol)

The former top Russia expert on the National Security Council, Fiona Hill, testified in Thursday’s impeachment hearing, confirming not only Rudy Giuliani’s involvement with the Ukraine investigation into Joe Biden, but also that her former boss, John Bolton, once referred to Giuliani as a “hand grenade that was going to blow everyone up.” “I don’t know about ‘hand grenade.’ Rudy seems more like a molotov cocktail — used by Russians and full of alcohol.” --Stephen Colbert

“Fiona said that her boss, John Bolton, thought Rudy Giuliani’s actions would come back to haunt us. I’m sorry, but does Rudy Giuliani really look like someone that would haunt you?” --Jimmy Fallon

“She was so thorough, Trump doesn’t have to go back for phase two of his annual physical. The prostate has been checked.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That will come in handy (Think of the nuggets)

“I know that all of us have been so concerned that, with John Bolton gone, there is no national security adviser. There was no one steeped in all facets of international political, military and economic conflict who could make sense of a dangerous world and give our president the essential information he needs to completely ignore and tweet whatever he wants.” --Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump has now gone through more national security advisers than wives.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“It was a busy day for Trump, because he also named Robert O’Brien his new national security adviser. Yep. O’Brien spent the day moving into his new office and said he looks forward to moving out of it tomorrow.” --Jimmy Fallon

“So, that’s interesting — he hired a hostage negotiator, someone who is known to talk madmen down from the brink. That will come in handy. [As O’Brien:] Mr. President, we know you’re locked in the Oval Office, and we don’t want you to do something you’ll regret. Think of your family — wait, no. Think of something you love. Think of — think of a bucket of fried chicken, sir! Think of the nuggets.’” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What Dirty Harry didn’t say/our top unintelligence official/Locked and Loaded

President Trump tweeted about a potential war with Iran on Sunday, writing that, after a drone strike on a Saudi Arabian oil refinery over the weekend, America was “locked and loaded.”

“Hold it right there: You don’t get to be ‘locked and loaded’ and wait ‘on verification.’ Dirty Harry didn’t say ‘Go ahead, make my day — once you’ve been found guilty by a jury of your peers, punk.’” --Stephen Colbert

“Anyway, our top intelligence officials think Iran did it, and so does our top unintelligence official, Donald Trump.” --Stephen Colbert

“[Imitating Trump] You know, I will do anything to avoid a war. If it comes down to it, I will say that the entire Air Force has plane spurs.” --Stephen Colbert

“At this point it sounds like America is a drunk guy in a bar trying to turn anything into a fight with Iran.” --Trevor Noah

“So yesterday, as he was ruminating on this he tweeted this: ‘Plenty of oil’ — which is either about the Middle East or his son’s hair.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Dude, you fired John Bolton right before a war? That’s his favorite thing. That’s like firing an astronaut right before going to space. It’s the whole reason they took the job.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

and not the kind of mistakes you can fix with a sharpie (the singles scene in Alaska)

Donald Trump himself had a relatively quiet week, for him. He committed only like three brazenly impeachable acts. But he did fire his third national security adviser, John Bolton. Trump said Bolton made some very big mistakes and not the kind you can fix with a sharpie. --Bill Maher

Trump loves that sharpie. That's his thing now, like Michael Jackson's glove. He's got it everywhere. After the Alabama hurricane was such a success he thinks he can fix anything with that sharpie. Yesterday he drew a smile on Melania’s face. --Bill Maher

Todd Palin filed for divorce from Sarah Palin. That’s when you know that you have had enough when you are willing to take a chance on the singles scene in Alaska.  --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So I was wrong — he could find someone more dangerous than John Bolton (whoever did that must be an idiot)

“John Bolton sounds like a real dope. Who hired that guy? I mean, whoever did that must be an idiot.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“If Trump knew all the terrible things about Bolton, then why did you hire him in the first place? It’s like firing someone for embezzlement when they had ‘embezzlement’ under special skills on their résumé.” --Seth Meyers

“Mr. Tough Guy, John Bolton got us into an unwinnable war, totally out of line with my administration. Dangerous, bad ideas, great guy, bright future. Wish him the best.” --Stephen Colbert (as Trump)

“Sorry, John, you’re just not up to keeping us safe from America’s greatest enemy. You know who agrees with me? America’s greatest enemy.” --Stephen Colbert (as Trump) 

“According to sources, President Trump is expected to be his own foreign policy adviser following the firing of John Bolton. So I was wrong — he could find someone more dangerous than John Bolton.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Our beliefs about the world and each other (the war with Chrissy Teigen)

“That’s right, President Trump has fired national security adviser John Bolton, and you have to appreciate the irony of John Bolton being taken out by a preemptive strike.” --Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, back in March of 2018, John Bolton almost wasn’t hired in the first place. Apparently, ‘Mr. Trump hesitated in part because of his negative reaction to Mr. Bolton’s walrus-style mustache.’ Ironically, while Bolton is leaving, his mustache is staying on as Stephen Miller’s new hairpiece.” --Stephen Colbert

“He’s out, effective immediately. He’s gone. But his mustache will stay on for a few more weeks to tie up any loose ends.” --James Corden

“And to mark the occasion, his mustache was lowered to half mast.” --Trevor Noah

“By the way, Bolton was the third national security adviser Trump has pushed out. Honestly, it’s amazing that America’s unemployment numbers are so low considering Trump has fired half of the country.” --Trevor Noah

“Yep, Trump tweeted Bolton’s services were no longer needed and that he strongly disagreed with many of his suggestions. Bolton thought we should continue the war in Afghanistan and Trump thought we should continue the war with Chrissy Teigen.” --Jimmy Fallon

“I don’t know who to believe: the guy who lies all the time, or the other guy who lies all the time.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle (Lex Luthor after a spin class)

Donald Trump's acting attorney general, Matt Whitaker, talked to reporters yesterday about the Mueller investigation. But while he talked, he looked pretty uncomfortable and sweaty. He looks like Lex Luthor after a spin class. --Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Trump's national security adviser, John Bolton, appeared in front of reporters while holding a notepad, and everybody could see his top-secret notes. This is real. Take a look at this. It says "5,000 troops to Colombia." Well, it's not the first time a politician has mistakenly revealed what's on their notepad during a meeting. For example, it also happened to Chris Christie. His notepad said, "5,000 wings to Super Bowl party." Up next, Betsy DeVos. Her notepad said, "5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Honey, I'm going to be out on the road a couple weeks (National Bed Bug Summit)

"President Obama is going to Mexico tomorrow. He visited Canada a couple weeks ago, then he went throughout Europe, then he went to Iraq, and tomorrow he's going to Mexico. See, this is what happens when your mother-in-law moves in with you. 'Honey, I'm going to be out on the road a couple weeks.'" --Jay Leno

"In Arlington, Virginia, the Environmental Protection Agency is holding something called the National Bed Bug Summit. Health officials are going to offer advice on how to combat the growing problem of bed bugs. And it's being held in Arlington's Crystal City Sheraton Hotel. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, okay? When a Sheraton hotel is thrilled to be hosting the bed bug summit. 'Hey, be sure to come back in June for the big head lice symposium.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which actually sounds like the start of a Stormy Daniels movie (Mickey Mouse organizations)

Today it was reported that the lawyer for porn star Stormy Daniels has asked a federal judge for permission to question Donald Trump under oath about their alleged affair. They want to get him alone in a private room and depose him. Which actually sounds like the start of a Stormy Daniels movie. --James Corden

Yesterday the White House announced that they've hired a new employee. Former actress Caroline Sunshine, who starred on the Disney Channel show "Shake It Up," has joined the White House press office. So it appears she's only comfortable working for Mickey Mouse organizations. --James Corden

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html