Wait, this still isn't marijuana? (gift baskets)

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that many popular oregano brands are really olive leaves and other leaves falsely labeled as oregano. Or as high school stoners put it, “Wait, this still isn't marijuana?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hitler accidentally added her to a group chat (Eat out of this trough, you pig!)

Betty Webb, one of the last surviving World War II codebreakers, has died at the age of 101. Webb first deciphered Nazi communications after Hitler accidentally added her to a group chat. —Colin Jost

Subway has partnered with Doritos to offer new Footlong Nachos. But I don't love the slogan — "Eat out of this trough, you pig!” —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which has the public demanding more wildfires (finger quotes)

Meghan Markle is postponing the debut of her latest Netflix show due to the concern over wildfires. Which has the public demanding more wildfires. —Greg Gutfeld       

So with Donald Trump becoming president Rachel Maddow will return to MSNBC five nights a week. In related news Doritos will be adding more asbestos. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Russia was in my cereal this morning (gift baskets)

This is pretty cool. Scientists have built a 6'10" robot that can hit perfect three-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists built a 6'11" robot that can say, "Not in my house." --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump has been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania were cast members on "Real Housewives." [imitates Trump] "Do you know Melania?" --Jimmy Fallon

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All because they couldn't even beat Donald Trump after rigging their own primaries (So what are you in for?)

A Disneyland guest was arrested for stripping off his clothes and walking around nude on It’s a Small World. Which is the all-time worst answer to the question, so what are you in for? —Colin Jost

Doritos has created a new software called Doritos Silent, which removes the sound of eating from video calls. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell has created new software that removes the sound of screaming from bathrooms. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He's one step closer to moving into the smallest house he's ever lived in (I love you, son)

Donald Trump, today, officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he's one step closer to moving into the smallest house he's ever lived in. –Seth Meyers

A city in South Wales is on alert following reports that local sheep may have consumed marijuana from an illegal grow operation and have begun breaking into homes. So if you live in Wales, be sure to lock up your Doritos. –Seth Meyers

The Huffington Post has put out a new article on a Chinese factory that makes Donald Trump masks. And now Eric and Donald Jr. take turns wearing it and saying, "I love you, son.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months! (A gift basket)

“Yesterday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” –Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smartphones say they own an American.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” (Dude, these came out of your seat!)

At the same event, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos read a book to a group of little kids. It was a sweet moment when one of the kids said, "Sound it out, Betsy. You can do it." --Jimmy Fallon

“Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he’s running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president.” —Jimmy Fallon

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he’s raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, “Happy to help. Can't wait.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People knocked over lamp posts, overturned a car, ran around naked, set things on fire (and that was just the mayor)

The Super Bowl celebration got crazy back in Philly. People knocked over lamp posts, overturned a car, ran around naked, set things on fire — and that was just the mayor. --Jimmy Fallon

Paul Ryan posted a tweet where he bragged about how the GOP tax bill helped a woman earn an extra $1.50 a week. He would’ve gotten a lot of angry letters, but nobody wanted to spend their entire bonus on a stamp. --Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend “Lady Doritos” was trending. There were reports that Doritos was launching a “lady-friendly” chip that is quieter and not as orange. And if that goes well, they’re gonna try to do the same thing with the president. --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

appropriate snack for the #MeToo era (they seat me next to a crying baby)

President Trump today criticized the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, tweeting, quote, "Little Adam Schiff, who is desperate to run for higher office, is one of the biggest liars and leakers in Washington." Meanwhile, eighth-grader Jessica tweeted, "It is time to come together on bipartisan immigration reform." --Seth Meyers

President Trump and Melania traveled to Cincinnati today. Said Melania, "Of COURSE, they seat me next to a crying baby." --Seth Meyers

Doritos is reportedly looking into launching a so-called lady-friendly chip that doesn’t crunch as loudly. Because there’s no more appropriate snack for the #MeToo era than a chip that tells women to be quiet. --Seth Meyers

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

I think they're making them for the president and his little... you know (I Words)

But luckily for Dodge, they got cover from Doritos today. Doritos is said to be working on a female-friendly tortilla chip, for real. The Doritos lady chips, they say, make less noise when you eat them and the package will be smaller so it can fit in a purse. It took years of research but they finally cracked the code on how to make a Dorito condescending to women. I hope they call them Doritas. --Jimmy Kimmel

As I mentioned, people are mad about this. Why? I have no idea. Making Doritos for people with smaller hands that you can eat quietly, like in bed or something, it's not sexist. In fact, I don't even think they're making these Doritos for women. I think they're making them for the president and his little... you know. --Jimmy Kimmel

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

you could barely tell it was a race car (new flavor of Doritos)

This all started with a new book about the White House, called “Fire and Fury.” At first Trump didn’t care, cuz he thought “Fire and Fury” was just a new flavor of Doritos. --Jimmy Fallon

There’s a lot of weird stuff in there. For instance, it says Trump insists on stripping his own sheets. He said one maid did such a bad job making his bed, you could barely tell it was a race car. --Jimmy Fallon

But this wasn’t a huge surprise. The book says that Donald and Melania have separate bedrooms. Yeah, Trump sleeps in the White House’s master bedroom, while Melania sleeps in New York City. --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html