It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. (Smokey is way more intense in person)

I like rice. Rice is great when you are really hungry and you want 2,000 of something. --Mitch Hedberg

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

A lot of radio stations, they like to use  frequency numbers to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person (You may see it in 75 years)

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

I was in a death metal band for seven years. But one day when we were walking out of the pawn shop we became a death metal metal barbershop quartet. —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you clearly aren't familiar with how things work here in hell (Drop Acid Not Bombs!!)

Donald Trump Jr. is reportedly considering a run for president in 2028. And if you don't think he could win, you clearly aren't familiar with how things work here in hell. —Colin Jost

Experts say that President Trump's tariffs will raise the cost of a new car by as much as $12,000. Or you can get a free Tesla since people are throwing them away. —Colin Jost

Speaking of which, Tesla CEO and white Kanye Elon Musk wore a suit instead of a jacket and t shirt to this week’s cabinet meeting after President Trump made fun of his clothing. It's a refreshing reminder that bullying still works. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person (There's also a negative side)

“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.” —Hunter S. Thompson

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD (It’s Finger Losin’ Good!)

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency in preparation for Hurricane Joaquin. And Donald Trump declared a state of emergency as soon as he heard the name “Joaquin.” –Seth Meyers

A processing company that supplies chicken to KFC was fined this week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. Which explains their new slogan, “It’s Finger Losin’ Good!” –Seth Meyers

A team of scientists recently completed an experiment studying the effects of the drug MDMA on octopuses. Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler? (Rolled it himself)

Fourteen paintings by Adolf Hitler were sold at auction in Germany. After the auction the surprised buyer said, "Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler?" –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday on Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed, which I thought was sweet. My nine-year-old makes a mean mojito. Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down? (it was an open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case)

There was a crazy story out of Venezuela. A 25-year-old woman was arrested after attempting to break her boyfriend out of prison by smuggling him in a suitcase. The warden said it was an “open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case.” –James Corden

A new article revealed that members of the U.S. Air Force in Wyoming took LSD and had acid trips while they were assigned to guard nuclear missiles. Is it me or does it feel like Donald Trump definitely picked the wrong day to brag about America's nuclear capabilities? --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The shoes were made from rhino horn, crocodile skin, and Jeb Bush supporters (Drop Acid Not Bombs!!)

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it the president said, “That's true but he also made more decisions.” --Conan O’Brien 4/15/2004

In New York, Federal authorities have seized 274 pairs of shoes made from endangered species. The shoes were made from rhino horn, crocodile skin, and Jeb Bush supporters. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train (What's your secret?)

A new study has found that 8 percent of Americans sleep naked. Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train. –Seth Meyers

A team of scientists recently completed an experiment studying the effects of the drug MDMA on octopuses. Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD. --Seth Meyers

The last polls before Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race found the Wisconsin governor was polling at one half of 1 percent. Bobby Jindal said, “What's your secret?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It won Best Writing, Best Drama, and Best Mike Pence Fantasy (safe words)

The big winner at last night’s Emmys was “The Handmaid’s Tale,” a show about a repressive society where women have no rights. It won Best Writing, Best Drama, and Best Mike Pence Fantasy. –Conan O’Brien

The wife of Donald Trump’s ethics adviser was caught having sex in a car with a prison inmate. Can you believe that? Donald Trump has an ethics adviser. –Conan O’Brien

Britain's longest-serving dominatrix is retiring at the age of 66. Apparently men no longer want to hire a dominatrix who forgets their safe word. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. (Smokey is way more intense in person)

A lot of radio stations, they like to use a frequency number to count down the days of summer. Like FM 107 will celebrate 107 days of summer. You know AM stations can't do this. We are AM 1610 celebrating the sixteen-hundred and ten days of the next four and a half years. It’s gonna be a long party. Go slow. —Mitch Hedberg

My friends and I took acid and went into the woods. Because it’s less likely that you’ll run into an authority figure in the woods. Well we ran into a bear which was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and Dewayne put his arm around my shoulder he said, “Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person.” —Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new (Drop Acid Not Bomb!)

"It's now being reported that Mitt Romney's campaign brought in 200 African American supporters to help cheer him on when he spoke at the NAACP meeting. And it cost him a lot of money because he had to fly them in from the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new." –Jay Leno

"Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what's really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (Drop Acid Not Bombs!)

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that while schools receiving federal funds must abide by federal civil rights laws, the department will not enter decrees on things like LGBTQ discrimination. Coincidentally, LGBTQ is also how Betsy DeVos thinks you spell discrimination. –Seth Meyers

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ronald Reagan came back to life, jumped over a rainbow, and dunked a basketball on him (Frappuccinos for Babies)

Navy officials confirmed this week that 14 sailors from the nuclear-reactor department of the USS Ronald Reagan will face disciplinary action in connection to LSD abuse. One sailor said it was the worst thing to happen to him since Ronald Reagan came back to life, jumped over a rainbow, and dunked a basketball on him. --Seth Meyers

Scientists in China claim they found a way for the military to use the calls of sperm whales to send encoded messages. Said whales, "Then maybe we can change our name to code whales?" --Seth Meyers

And, finally, a coffee chain in London said this week that it will allow stores to refuse caffeine sales to people under the age of 16, while a coffee chain in America just unveiled Frappuccinos for Babies. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

While God was like, "Holy crap, that's Paul McCartney." (Sucks, doesn't it?)

In a recent interview, [Paul McCartney] said that he once saw God while he was doing psychedelic drugs. Paul was like, "Oh, man, that's God." While God was like, "Holy crap, that's Paul McCartney. My God. You're the biggest — I love you so much." --Jimmy Fallon

Today at Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Democrats released some of his confidential emails from 2003. Republicans were furious that his emails were being read. Then Hillary was like, "Sucks, doesn't it?" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Here's the scary thing: it turns out he was the pilot for Air Force One (Romulus and Remus)

"A guy was kicked off a flight for wearing an anti-Bush t-shirt. When he refused to take off the shirt or change the shirt, they kicked him off the plane. Here's the scary thing: it turns out he was the pilot for Air Force One." --Jay Leno

"This is the first year that the president is facing a Democratic-controlled Congress, with the new speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, over his left shoulder holding a possible murder weapon. I don't envy Bush going to speak to a Democratic Congress. They just finished their bally hoot 100-hour law-passing marathon in -- get this -- 42 hours. There's your hard working Democrats, folks. Hey, we're finished, right? Let's take the next 58 hours off to drop peyote and perform abortions on unwed immigrant teens." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Imagine having that confidence to do LSD while guarding nuclear weapons (busy swatting away purple dragons)

A new article revealed that members of the U.S. Air Force in Wyoming took LSD and had acid trips while they were assigned to guard nuclear missiles. Is it me or does it feel like Donald Trump definitely picked the wrong day to brag about America's nuclear capabilities? --James Corden

Imagine having that confidence to do LSD while guarding nuclear weapons. When I was 18, I didn't even feel comfortable enough to smoke pot before I went to work at a pizzeria. I mean, I found a way, and let me tell you, if you work at a pizzeria and you like smoking pot, those two work brilliantly together. --James Corden

It's nice to know that if Donald Trump ever does try to start a war, the guys responsible for the missiles won't be able to push the buttons because they'll be too busy swatting away purple dragons. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ma’am, you were out there for 45 minutes (three Manhattans and a Bud Light)

President Trump last night made his first visit to Manhattan since his inauguration. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton visited three Manhattans and a Bud Light. –Seth Meyers

An Alabama woman missing for nearly a month said she was able to survive in the woods on mushrooms. Said officials, “Ma’am, you were out there for 45 minutes.” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

They might not have been mad. They might have been a little snacky (4:20, my friends!)

There was drama this afternoon as the Stop Trump Movement tried to change the rules so they wouldn't be forced to vote for Trump on the first ballot, and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from Colorado just walked out. And look at what time the Colorado delegates walked out — 4:20, my friends! This is the perfect time to walk out. They might not have been mad. They might have been a little snacky. –Stephen Colbert

Last night Trump and Pence gave their first joint interview on "60 Minutes" — of course, the same amount of time Trump spent learning about Mike Pence before choosing him. –Stephen Colbert