And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right (stop calling him Drumstick)

According to The Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right. –Seth Meyers

President Trump pardoned a turkey at the White House today, where he said, "I'm pleased to report that, unlike millions of other turkeys at this time of the year, Drumstick has a very, very bright future ahead of him." Though I bet the turkey would feel more confident about that if they would stop calling him Drumstick. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business (a monopoly on truth)

“The National Park Service is asking visitors to please stop licking the hallucinogenic toads. The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business.” —Jimmy Fallon

So, Michelle Obama actually had a nice time showing Melania Trump around, although it got weird when they walked into the Lincoln Bedroom and Melania said, “Wow, what a lovely closet.” –Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All right, let’s move on to the bikini competition (follow-up questions)

President Trump today made a surprise appearance at a Women of America panel at the White House. Said Trump, “Four, four, six, three, seven, six. All right, let’s move on to the bikini competition.” --Seth Meyers

After past accusations of racism, attorney general nominee Senator Jeff Sessions said today, “I abhor the Klan and its hateful ideology.” Though he refused to answer the follow-up question, “Ku Klux or Wu Tang?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm going to need another clue (Surprise me! Just go for it!)

Another big story is Donald Trump's feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions. When he was asked about what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, "Time will tell." When asked if he was just stealing lines off his magic eight ball, Trump said, "Ask again later." –Jimmy Fallon

Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don't know what they're going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, "Surprise me! Just go for it!” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, "I'm going to need another clue." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious (the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership)

A new study suggests that dogs notice and try to help when people are upset or in danger. Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious. --Seth Meyers

A Massachusetts man was arrested this weekend for stripping naked and doing yoga poses in a Planet Fitness gym. That story again, a man in Massachusetts has become the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership. --Seth Meyers

According to reports, President Trump is so unhappy with Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he is considering replacing him with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. That’s like being so unhappy with your wife that you’re considering replacing her with Rudy Giuliani. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's amazing how mature and civil conservatives are (the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while)

According to The Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right. –Seth Meyers

Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said today that he’s not a backstabber, but “more of a front-stabbing person.” And it’s very telling about this administration that they think there’s a right way to stab somebody. “I stab from the front, underhand. Like a gentleman.” –Seth Meyers

The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk (I definitely recall and I’m in trouble)

"According to reports, Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk." –Jimmy Fallon

Jeff Sessions said he “doesn’t recall” having any meetings with Russians at the Mayflower. For those of you who don’t know, “doesn’t recall” is the Washington term meaning, “I definitely recall and I’m in trouble.” –Jimmy Fallon

Bruce Springsteen is selling his house in Beverly Hills for around $70 million. And for that much money, the house actually comes WITH Bruce Springsteen. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes (It’s like a dream come true)

Meanwhile, in Washington, all eyes were off the court and on Congress for the main event tomorrow. Former FBI Director James Comey will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee to spill the beans on President Trump, which when you think about it on a human level, is pretty great for James Comey. Can you imagine getting fired and then the next thing you know, you get to trash talk your boss in front of the whole world? It’s like a dream come true. –Jimmy Kimmel

So because these were uncomfortable conversations, Comey told Attorney General Jeff Sessions he did not want any future direct communication with President Trump. Melania said the same thing, by the way. It didn’t work out for either of them. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney was on 'Live With Kelly and Michael.' At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password (Hey, this is MUCH better!)

Governor Chris Christie said in an interview yesterday that New Jersey would not accept Syrian refugees. Which is too bad, because Syrian refugees would be the first people ever to arrive in New Jersey and say, “Hey, this is MUCH better!” –Seth Meyers

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password. –Seth Meyers

After past accusations of racism, attorney general nominee Senator Jeff Sessions said today, “I abhor the Klan and its hateful ideology.” Though he refused to answer the follow-up question, “Ku Klux or Wu Tang?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We were far too disorganized to be evil (Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying)

There was some breaking news today from the nation's capital. Apparently, a sinkhole has just appeared on the North Lawn of the White House. Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying. --James Corden

At one point Jeff Sessions regained his memory and said that the Trump campaign couldn’t collude with the Russians because it was a “form of chaos, every day from day one.” I believe him. That’s such a great alibi. “That campaign was such a turbulent crap storm, there’s no way we could’ve planned anything like that. We were far too disorganized to be evil.” –James Corden

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced his resolution saying "my personal challenge for 2016 is to build a simple AI to run my home and help me with my work." Mark Zuckerberg's resolution is to build an artificial intelligence system that controls his entire home. Meanwhile, I'm determined to give up sweets. We're basically the same person. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal (it’s still attached to a hand)

The Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand. --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Donald Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

This weekend was St. Patrick’s Day! And of course, there was a big parade here in New York, and a lot of men were wearing kilts. It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How can we fix things in Wisconsin? I know. More cheese. (the strangest transformation in human history)

Today, Dr. Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race after a dismal and ineffective campaign. He said, "The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again!" –Conan O’Brien

Attorney General Jeff Sessions is in trouble because he was caught lying under oath about contacting the Russians during the election. When asked if the allegations were true, Sessions said, “Absolutely nyet.” –Conan O’Brien

"People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, "How can we fix things in Wisconsin?" and someone else said, "I know. More cheese." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's called "Uh-oh, hold my hair." (I was told there would be no spelling)

Liquor brand Svedk will release a new product that combines rosé and vodka. It's called "Uh-oh, hold my hair." --Seth Meyers

Many women wore suffragette white to tonight's State of the Union address while President Trump wore angry tangerine number 6. --Seth Meyers

After a racist photo from his 1984 yearbook page resurfaced over the weekend, Virginia governor Ralph Northam reportedly told staffers yesterday that he is reluctant to step down because he is afraid of leaving office and being labeled as a racist for life. Yeah, that's the kind of thing that could follow you all the way to the White House. By the way, Racist for Life is also the 5K that Jeff Sessions runs in every spring. --Seth Meyers

During the State of the Union address, Republicans broke out into chants of "USA, USA." Said Betsy DeVos, "I was told there would be no spelling." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That dude needs to chill out and smoke some marijuana (by any standard that’s a promotion)

At the Grammys, Alessia Cara won the award for best new artist. She was up against Khalid, Julia Michaels, Lil Uzi Vert and SZA. Or as your mom knows them: who, who, who, who and SZA. --James Corden

In other White House news, according to a recent article, President Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, has been asked to turn his focus to prison reform. And based on the way the Russia investigation is going, I assume he wants to make prisons way harder to get into.  --James Corden

In other news, former Trump staffer and one-time “Apprentice” contestant Omarosa took a new gig this week. It was announced she will be joining the cast of “Celebrity Big Brother.” From Trump’s White House to CBS’s “Big Brother” house — by any standard that’s a promotion. --James Corden

Today on Capitol Hill, Trump’s pick for attorney general, Jeff Sessions, was grilled by senators during the first confirmation hearing of the Trump administration. Sessions is a controversial pick. For instance, in the past, he’s been a vocal opponent of marijuana legalization. At one point he said, “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.” That dude needs to chill out and smoke some marijuana. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which really isn’t fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer (sink or f*cking swim pal)

A new study suggests that dogs notice and try to help when people are upset or in danger. Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious. --Seth Meyers

Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn’t fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer. –Seth Meyers

According to reports, President Trump is so unhappy with Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he is considering replacing him with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. That’s like being so unhappy with your wife that you’re considering replacing her with Rudy Giuliani. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months (a pooty call)

The White House canceled all of Trump's public events because of the snow. And because Trump got his tongue stuck on a flagpole. --Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump called Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his re-election. Yup, he called Putin on the phone, or as Trump calls it, “a pooty call.” --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study. But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have a study. –Jimmy Fallon

"This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn't where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it's not where it should be — kind of like the letters in 'Reince Priebus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if things escalate, I'm willing to put boobs on the ground (You're gonna need this. Trust me)

Meanwhile, here's a big story from the White House. Today, we found out the replacement for Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be a woman named Stephanie Grisham. There was a lovely ceremony today when Sarah handed Stephanie the keys to the liquor cabinet. She was like, "Here, you're gonna -- You're gonna need this. Trust me. --Jimmy Fallon

Finally, you guys, get this -- I saw that Costco is now selling a giant two-pound doughnut. There's actually a name for that. It is called a cake. --Jimmy Fallon

Everybody's still on edge about the U.S. and Iran. I guess after Iran shot down our drone, Trump ordered a strike on them. But then he called it off, and listen to how he described it. President Trump says the United States was, quote, "cocked and loaded." Cocked and loaded? Of course, the correct phrase is "locked and loaded." Then Trump was like, "And if things escalate, I'm willing to put boobs on the ground." --Jimmy Fallon

During an interview Chuck Todd asked Trump what he'd change if he could have one do-over. Trump said he would not have appointed Jeff Sessions to be Attorney General. Then both Eric and Don Jr. were, like "Whew! Wow, that was close! Oh, man!" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I was told there would be no spelling (angry tangerine number 6)

During the State of the Union address, Republicans broke out into chants of "USA, USA." Said Betsy DeVos, "I was told there would be no spelling." --Seth Meyers

Many women wore suffragette white to tonight's State of the Union address while the President wore angry tangerine number 6. --Seth Meyers

After a racist photo from his 1984 yearbook page resurfaced over the weekend, Virginia governor Ralph Northam reportedly told staffers yesterday that he is reluctant to step down because he is afraid of leaving office and being labeled as a racist for life. Yeah, that's the kind of thing that could follow you all the way to the White House. By the way, Racist for Life is also the 5K that Jeff Sessions runs in every spring. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Price of Apathy Towards Public Affairs (Vladimir Putin's smile)

Breaking story from the New York Times. The FBI was investigating whether Trump was working for the Russians. I mean, what tipped them off? Was it Trump's secret meeting with the Russians in the Oval Office, his son's secret meeting with Russians in Trump Tower, his lawyer's secret deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, Jeff Session's secret meeting with the Russian ambassador, Jared Kushner's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Michael Flynn's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Erik Prince's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Paul Manafort sharing secret polling data with the Russians, his foreign policy advisor's secret meeting with the Russians, the Russian hackers who helped Trump win, Trump asking the Russian hackers to help him win, or Vladimir Putin's smile every time he sees Trump? --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The elf didn't work -- let's try Santa (I am never gonna hear the end of this)

After firing Attorney General Jeff Sessions, I read that President Trump might replace him with Chris Christie. Christie was so excited, he tore his apron off at Jersey Mike's and yelled, "I quit!" That's right -- Trump might replace Jeff Sessions with Chris Christie. Apparently, Trump was like, "The elf didn't work -- let's try Santa." --Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Australia just gave birth to a 12-pound baby without any pain meds. Her doctor said, "You were amazing," while the baby was like, "I am never gonna hear the end of this." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”