Well, there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned (by the end of the ceremony, something will be on fire)

A lot of people are getting excited about the pope’s upcoming visit. In fact, I read that a priest in Pennsylvania plans to show off a 500-thousand-piece Lego model of the Vatican that took him two years to build. Well, there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned. –Jimmy Fallon

The 2020 Olympics are in Tokyo, and I saw that Japan wants to light the Olympic Torch with a flying car. Whether it works or not, by the end of the ceremony, something will be on fire. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't understand any dog barks (And really, who loves foreigners more than Dick Cheney?)

"Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona's to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost." –Jay Leno

"The University of Wyoming will open the new Dick Cheney Center for International Students. And really, who loves foreigners more than Dick Cheney?" --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true (But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise!)

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They get the wage and give us the minimum (one of those horns they blow at the World Cup)

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"Just one week after coming back to work, Congress took the day off today to watch this BCS football game tonight. Remember Congress promised us a five-day work week. It didn't even last a week. That's why they want to raise the minimum wage. They get the wage and give us the minimum." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's a toddler with a gold medal, which is impressive (most of the voters there are sober)

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

It's tricky for journalists to write about Caitlyn Jenner, because she was a 65-year-old man, now she's a 2-year-old woman. She's a toddler with a gold medal, which is impressive. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he's looking forward to getting cleared and getting probed (but the cop was from East Germany)

The FBI will launch new probes into the cocaine discovered at the White House. A spokesman for Hunter Biden said he's looking forward to getting cleared and getting probed. —Greg Gutfeld

US Olympic legend Marylou Retton was arrested for DUI in West Virginia. She blew a .08, it would have been a .09 but the cop was from East Germany. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the judge will ask them to tell a story with only the relevant details (all she needs to do is wait a few weeks/Road Closed)

This week a biotech startup got FDA approval to develop a drug to make dogs live longer guaranteeing at least another season of The View. —Greg Gutfeld

The Olympic Track and Field Governing Body announced it will perform tests on female athletes to make sure that they are biological women. So what’s the test? Well the judge will ask them to tell a story with only the relevant details. —Greg Gutfeld

Italian model Victoria Seretti says it's annoying when people call her Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend. Well fortunately at age 26 all she needs to do is wait a few weeks. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

police are on the lookout for a man who weighs 7 pounds, 3 ounces (the Way Too Good for Ken Collection)

In honor of International Women’s Day, Mattel is releasing a set of Barbies based on history-making women, like Amelia Earhart and Olympic gold medalist Chloe Kim. It’s called the Way Too Good for Ken Collection. --Jimmy Fallon

“A burglar in the UK was identified after leaving his birth certificate at a crime scene. Forget leaving it at a crime scene. Who walks around with their birth certificate? Right now, police are on the lookout for a man who weighs 7 pounds, 3 ounces.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That's how bad it is. (That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?)

“Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood's hedge fund.” –Jay Leno

"The Olympics start Friday and Russia's implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. The government will monitor every email. They will monitor every social media message and they will listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That's how bad it is." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NHL: Arizona vs Washington (Worf Scores Winning Goal In Overtime)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NHL: Arizona vs Washington (Riker scores goal plays trombone)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NHL: Arizona Coyotes vs Washington Capitals (Overtime)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished' (100 days to pretend you understand curling)

The Winter Olympics are just 100 days away! That means you have just 100 days to pretend you understand curling. –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, the health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You’re going to need it to buy potable water in the afterscape (It was the first time the two of them were in the same room since Trump's wedding)

“The stock market has been swinging like a tetherball in a typhoon. It’s all because of fears of an economic downturn. In fact, former Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers puts the odds of a recession at about 50-50. So, you can just flip a coin — no, wait, save the coin! You’re going to need it to buy potable water in the afterscape.” --Stephen Colbert

Last night they held, like, an appetizer debate — an “amuse douche,” if you will. It was called the Commander-in-Chief Forum. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump answered questions about national security. It was the first time the two of them were in the same room since Trump's wedding. –Stephen Colbert

And the majority of those American medals were won by female athletes. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can't wait to see who takes home the gold in the Olympic doggie paddle (And she knows where the money is)

The 2016 Rio games start Friday, and there are some concerns. Athletes swimming in the heavily polluted Guanabara Bay have been warned by health experts to keep their mouths closed in the toxic stew. OK? Mouths closed. Or heads out of the water. I can't wait to see who takes home the gold in the Olympic doggie paddle. –Stephen Colbert

Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: “We are going to go where the money is.” And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches. –Stephen Colbert

Remember a few months ago when future former President Barack Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million was flown to Iran on a plane loaded with cash. Don't you hate it when you're on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don't know who gets the armrest. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Whether it works or not, by the end of the ceremony, something will be on fire (Step 1: Sit and wait for food)

The 2020 Olympics are in Tokyo, and I saw that Japan wants to light the Olympic Torch with a flying car. Whether it works or not, by the end of the ceremony, something will be on fire. --Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Meghan Markle is coming out with a cookbook. Since she's a royal, the cookbook just says: "Step 1: Sit and wait for food." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they’d be twerking like a Canadian pole vaulter (Sympathetic Meatloaf)

“It is the definition of insanity to think that this crowd here is A.I., though I would not be surprised if Kamala Harris generated Tim Walz with A.I. by just using the prompt ‘Sympathetic Meatloaf.’” —Stephen Colbert

When I left this desk three weeks ago, suffice to say, the vibes were brutal. The election felt like a funeral dirge, Donald Trump was leading in national polls and seemed like he was coasting to victory. Fast forward to today, Harris is now leading in the polls, including in new ones out from three key swing states. If you told Democrats three weeks ago they’d be up four points in those three states by the end of August, they’d be twerking like a Canadian pole vaulter. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The state also changed its name to Chillinois (So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer)

"A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer." –Conan O'Brien

"Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What? I'm looking at the baby. (if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years)

"Breastfeeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breastfeeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Please. I can make the in my sleep (the new Eiffel Tower wheelchair ramp)

Tom Brady revealed that he has regrets about last week’s Netflix roast, saying he didn’t like the way it affected his kids. But that isn’t stopping him from performing in tomorrow night’s Netflix roast of Tom Brady’s kids. —Colin Jost

A high-end fashion brand is selling a pair of jeans for $800 which appear to have a pee stain on the front. Jeans with a pee stain on the front? Please. I can make them in my sleep. —Colin Jost

People in Paris with disabilities are saying that the city has not fulfilled its promise to make it universally accessible before this summer’s olympics. And officials admit they’re having some safety issues with the new Eiffel Tower wheelchair ramp. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”