I haven’t seen judgment this bad since... (Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive)

"A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, 'What do we have to do?'" –Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, "Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive." –Conan O’Brien

Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using "bad judgment." Priebus said, "I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The way it works is you scream about how much you want it, and your parents never provide the funding (somebody prank-called Doug Jones)

Alabama Senator-elect Doug Jones said yesterday President Trump called him and was very gracious while congratulating him on his win. That story again, somebody prank-called Doug Jones. –Seth Meyers

A toy company has announced that it will begin selling a Lego-inspired kit for kids called MAGA Build the Wall. The way it works is you scream about how much you want it, and your parents never provide the funding. --Seth Meyers

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the media is unfairly fixating on Dr. Ben Carson. And Ben Carson said that Reince Priebus is a condition that can result in blindness if left untreated. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just because I'm a prick, do I not bleed? (they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart)

"New rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart." --Bill Maher

"Washington, D.C. hosted a two-day conference called 'The War on Christianity.' All the usual Christians were there.  Tom DeLay was there. He said Americans treat Christianity like some second-rate superstition. Another speaker called Christians 'the Jews of the 21st century.' To drive home the issue, Tom DeLay said, 'Just because I'm a prick, do I not bleed?" --Bill Maher

"The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshipping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months (a pooty call)

The White House canceled all of Trump's public events because of the snow. And because Trump got his tongue stuck on a flagpole. --Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump called Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his re-election. Yup, he called Putin on the phone, or as Trump calls it, “a pooty call.” --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study. But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have a study. –Jimmy Fallon

"This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn't where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it's not where it should be — kind of like the letters in 'Reince Priebus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Let's name the Pope's favorite movies (Sometimes it's OK to just let go)

March 2014

"Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone." –Seth Meyers

"Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place." –Seth Meyers

"Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, 'Reince Priebus' sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare." –Seth Meyers

"Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie 'Noah.' That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope's giant hat?" –Craig Ferguson

"Let's name the Pope's favorite movies. There's 'Holy Ghost Busters.' 'Dude, Where's My Cardinal?' 'Sistine Candles.' 'Amen in Black.' 'Live and Let Diocese.' 'A Pew Good Men.' And 'How to Train Your Deacon.'" –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Kim Jong Un said, 'Yeah, right.' (kind of like the letters in Reince Priebus)

March 2014

"A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, 'Yeah, right.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's 'always right.' Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote 'No.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn't where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it's not where it should be — kind of like the letters in 'Reince Priebus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Aside from that, he never betrays anybody (Uncle Sam Wants You ... Bad)

Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi had dinner with Donald Trump and they said that they struck a deal regarding immigration and border security that might not even include the wall Trump keeps promising. Yeah, at the dinner Pelosi and Schumer had the chicken, while Trump ate his words. –James Corden

Trump supporters were really angry today that it looks like he was making deals with the Democrats and abandoning the border wall. They said that Trump never betrays anyone. Aside from Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, his two ex-wives, and that one daughter he never talks about. Aside from that, he never betrays anybody. –James Corden

      

This week, the U.S. Army removed several recruiting ads from a web site because the web site targets homosexual men. The ad said, 'Uncle Sam Wants You ... Bad.' --Conan O'Brien

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

The cartoon that draws itself (Always a bridesmaid!)

Utility workers here in New York City retrieved a woman’s wedding ring that she dropped down a sewer. While the rat handing it back was like, “Always a bridesmaid!” --Jimmy Fallon

Do you guys know that song “Despacito?” Well, the government of Malaysia has banned the song from radio and TV in that country for having obscene lyrics. They could be right. I’ve heard this song 2,000 times and I still have no idea what it’s about. In Malaysia, the government bans obscene content. Here, the president tweets it. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 @BrandNew535 @justicedems #repealreplacerepublicans

The front-stabber has been back-stabbed (no recognizable names)

Anthony Scaramucci, gone after just a week and change on the job! The Mooch is toast! The front-stabber has been back-stabbed. Trump said he was going to fire everybody, and I’ve got to admit, he delivered. That’s thorough! –Stephen Colbert

The Mooch lasted as communications director for only 10 days. Yes, 10 days! That’s not even one whole pay period. His going-away party can serve what’s left of his welcome cake. –Stephen Colbert

General John Kelly is the polar opposite of Reince Priebus, the former chief of staff. Kelly is military, Priebus is a Washington insider. Kelly’s from Boston, Priebus is from Wisconsin. John Kelly has two first names, and Reince Priebus has no recognizable names at all. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

That’s two lies in one sentence (Trump Junkyard)

Meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted about Reince Priebus, who he fired. He wrote, “We accomplished a lot together, and I am proud of him.” That’s two lies in one sentence. –Jimmy Kimmel

It will be easier for Reince Priebus to go into a souvenir shop and find a novelty license plate with his name on it than it will be to find a job after this. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

And weirdly, I don’t feel tired from all the winning yet (open sewers)

Sean Spicer’s out, Reince Priebus is out, Trumpcare is dead, and Kim Jong Un has a missile that can reach New York. And weirdly, I don’t feel tired from all the winning yet. –Jimmy Kimmel

The president has been very busy repealing and replacing his staff, most notably Anthony Scaramucci, the Mooch, who 10 days ago was named the White House communications director. Today he’s out of a job. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

The purpose of her trip hasn't been announced (sanctuary?/Wing Nut Love)

Now I don't know, Reince Priebus might be the leak, Scaramucci might be lying. Only one thing is certain, I can't spell either of their names. –James Corden

First lady Melania Trump announced today that her first solo international trip will be to Toronto, Canada. The purpose of her trip hasn't been announced. But I'm guessing sanctuary? –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

which is a great start for a communications director (his meds are finally kicking in?)

A lot of news coming out of the White House, but strangely enough, Donald Trump isn't the one making the news this time. I guess his meds are finally kicking in? –James Corden

Anthony Scaramucci was livid last night after some of his financial information was leaked, so he went on Twitter and seemingly blamed chief of staff Reince Priebus for the leak, but then he deleted the tweet later, which is a great start for a communications director. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Hey, don’t lump me in with those guys (strange choice of words)

A new study just found that the Republican healthcare bill has the same approval rating as Nickelback and herpes. When asked to comment, the herpes virus said, "Hey, don’t lump me in with those guys." –Conan O’Brien

White House chief of staff Reince Priebus has dismissed the latest Trump-Russia story as "a nothingburger." When questioned about his really strange choice of words, he explained, "My name is Reince Priebus." –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump Jr. is being represented by a mafia lawyer who has defended four New York crime families. So now the lawyer has updated his resume to say "defended five New York crime families." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

I’m afraid we have some bad news (Voodoo healthcare)

France elected a new president. Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election, defeating the far-right candidate Marine Le Pen. Macron won by a large margin, easily getting more votes — which, most Americans will be surprised to learn, is how you win most elections in almost all the countries. –James Corden

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus responded to critics of the bill saying if you have a pre-existing condition this president is not going to let you down. And, he better hope so because the name Reince Priebus sounds like a pre-existing condition. Doesn’t it? “I’m afraid we have bad news. We found traces of your Reince in your Priebus.” –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Is that better? (11-day recess)

Today the House voted to pass the Republican healthcare bill before taking an 11-day recess. They say they’re going to use the break to kick back, relax, and finally read the bill they just voted for. –Jimmy Fallon

Democrats are calling for the new Republican healthcare bill to be called “Trumpcare.” Experts say that’s the first time the words “Trump” and “care” have ever been said together. –Jimmy Fallon

Reince Priebus said that Trump helped pass the bill by punting the ball into the end zone. When told that analogy didn’t quite make sense, he said, “I meant that he hit a grand slam into the net and slapped the puck right into the hoop. Is that better?” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

JOKES: Ignore the man behind the table (Fool me once, right?)

Hillary Clinton is reportedly still considering a run for mayor of New York City. And, weirdly, this time she IS campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin. Fool me once, right? –Seth Meyers

President Trump yesterday suggested that Chief of Staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Oh my God, does Trump think his name is Prius? –Seth Meyers

In an interview yesterday with Fox News, President Trump said he might not be president if it wasn’t for Twitter. Dude, you said that to Fox News? That’s like telling your dad that your hero is your friend’s dad. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Trump's toupee and Steve Harvey's mustache met for a play date (Lone Ranger)

After civil rights leader John Lewis called Donald Trump an illegitimate president, incoming chief of staff Reince Priebus claimed that Republicans never questioned the legitimacy of President Obama's election. And then President Obama sighed so hard his hair turned white. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump tweeted about Martin Luther King Jr. this morning, saying people should celebrate, quote, "All the many wonderful things that he stood for." He then quickly logged off before anyone asked him to name one. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump met with Steve Harvey at Trump Tower on Friday. Meanwhile, Trump's toupee and Harvey's mustache met for a play date. –Seth Meyers

Jean-Georges could be French for Waffle House (care to start with some priebus?)

If are you having trouble getting in the Christmas spirit you might want to move to Japan, where Dominos is doing a promotion where they say your pizza will be delivered to your door step via reindeer. Even Santa Claus was like, “I don’t believe this is real.” –James Corden

Trump and Romney last night were dining at a four-star French restaurant called Jean-Georges. Sounds fancy, but Jean-Georges could be French for “Waffle House.” –Stephen Colbert

And they were joined by Reince Priebus, who is Trump’s chief of staff and not, as you may think, an item on the menu. “Would you care to start with some priebus? It has been lightly reince’d.” –Stephen Colbert

The billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and sautéed frogs legs. I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents. –Stephen Colbert

“You’re free! Quick, go before he sees you!” (Medal of Freedom)

According to reports, incoming White House chief of staff Reince Priebus tried to get Donald Trump to cancel today’s meeting with The New York Times because Trump could face questions he wasn’t prepared to answer. It’s the same reason he canceled yesterday’s meeting with Highlights Magazine. –Seth Meyers

President Obama today awarded 21 people with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Said Obama, “You’re free! Quick, go before he sees you!” –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said this afternoon that he was “surprised” one of his top picks for secretary of defense is not in favor of waterboarding. Man, you think you know somebody. And then they turn out to be a decent human being. –Seth Meyers