It would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room (strawberry milk for everyone)

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said yesterday that the White House is not considering conducting lie detector tests to uncover the author of the anonymous op-ed published in The New York Times. Because putting a lie detector in the White House would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room. --Seth Meyers

An all-red cow was born in Jerusalem this week, which some believe fulfills a biblical prophecy to "reinstate purity to the world." While Education Secretary Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone. --Seth Meyers

According to a new CNN poll, President Trump's approval rating has fallen six points in the last month. If he gets any less popular, they're just going to reboot the series without him. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya (Pointing Fingers)

Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to reveal a terrible secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz. –Conan O’Brien

"Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to reports, Muammar Gaddafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on (Dirty look librarians)

According to a new survey, one in four teens say they used marijuana at least once in the past year. While the other three in four teens know a narc when they see one. --Seth Meyers

"A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on." –Seth Meyers

"Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them."–Seth Meyers

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to speculation about President Trump slurring his speech on Jerusalem yesterday, and said his throat was dry, and not, as we thought, completely missing. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer! (Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming)

It’s been reported that a contributor to CNN has been having an affair with Ted Cruz. All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer! –Conan O’Brien

"Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien

"People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber." –Conan O'Brien

"On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They call it a 'theater' of war but this is a multiplex (bench press a bag of laundered cash)

"Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin visited Israel. She says she likes all religions, 'whether they celebrate Christmas or Jewish.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a 'theater' of war but this is a multiplex." –David Letterman

"You know Condoleezza Rice? So she's down there in Washington, and she's on a TV show and they go with her to the gym. Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, and they're watching her work out. Here's what it is, it's called the Republican work-out. Every morning, you bench press a bag of laundered cash." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They call it a 'theater' of war but this is a multiplex (five Beyonce concerts)

"The strikes on Libya are costing American taxpayers $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin visited Israel. She says she likes all religions, 'whether they celebrate Christmas or Jewish.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a 'theater' of war but this is a multiplex." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone (You mean my tape recorder?)

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders held her first press briefing today in almost three weeks. And you could tell she was a little rusty — because she almost answered a question. --Seth Meyers

President Trump on Friday claimed the quotes in Bob Woodward's book were made up and that Woodward uses every trick in the book to demean and belittle. Said Woodward, "You mean my tape recorder?" --Seth Meyers

An all-red cow was born in Jerusalem this week, which some believe fulfills a biblical prophecy to "reinstate purity to the world." While Education Secretary Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Yes, he helped the negotiations, by ending the negotiations (Hindsight is 2020)

Trump also met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. It was their first meeting since Trump announced he’s moving the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem, and Trump defended the action [clip of Trump]: 

“There were never any deals that came close, because you could never get past Jerusalem. So when people said, ‘Oh, I set it back’ — I didn’t set it back, I helped it. Because by taking it off the table, that was the toughest issue.” 

Yes, he helped the negotiations, by ending the negotiations. Just like King Solomon. ”OK, both of you gals want this baby. Tell you what. I’m going to cut it in half and give both sides to her. Now, fight over the knife! Negotiate!” --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

not, as we thought, completely missing (his speech on Jerusalem)

President Trump today hosted a Hanukkah reception at the White House. Trump loves Hanukkah, because no matter how he spells it, it’s probably right. –Seth Meyers

According to the New York Post, host Matt Lauer plans to disappear, play golf, and stay in the Hamptons after being fired. You hear that, Donald? If you let us fire you for sexual harassment, your life will be exactly the same. –Seth Meyers

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to speculation about President Trump slurring his speech on Jerusalem yesterday, and said his throat was dry, and not, as we thought, completely missing. –Seth Meyers

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Trump said he’s really excited because he’s always wanted to meet Jude Law (I'm chicken)

President Trump is still on his big trip overseas. And I saw that he actually took over an entire hotel in Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph were like, “Seriously? You make room for THAT guy?” –Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow, Trump will visit with the Pope. Trump said he’s really excited because he’s always wanted to meet Jude Law. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that people who oppose school choice are “flat earthers.” She was like, “Which is ridiculous, because everyone knows the Earth is a cube.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

People without heads tend not to speak out (I am not sleeping with Jenna)

Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That's why. People without heads tend not to speak out. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump visited the Jewish holy site, the Western Wall, in east Jerusalem today. He also said the wall was the reason Israel doesn't have any Mexicans. –Seth Meyers

President Trump said today he never mentioned the word "Israel" as the source of intelligence about ISIS during a meeting with Russian officials. Dude, nobody said you did. That's like if your wife said, "Are you having an affair?" And you said, "I am not sleeping with Jenna." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Who's Aviv and what am I supposed to tell him? (that thing on Paul Ryan's face)

President Trump is still on his big overseas trip. Today, he arrived in Israel and landed in Tel Aviv. Then when they welcomed him to Tel Aviv, Trump said, "Who's Aviv and what am I supposed to tell him?" –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that today Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave Trump a 150-year-old bible. Which got awkward when Trump autographed it and gave it back to him. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump became the first sitting U.S. president to visit the Western Wall in Jerusalem. His staff said he was praying but people nearby heard him counting Mississippi. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

JOKES: I'd rather be invading Baghdad (Wait, I’m not dead)

During the “In Memoriam” segment they accidentally showed the picture of a woman who is still alive, an Australian producer named Jan Chapman. Which in a way is a much bigger story than “La La Land.” Sure, it’s bad to think you have won Best Picture when you didn’t. But how about being told you’re dead when you’re not? –James Corden

This would send me into a deep existential funk. I would be like, “Wait, I’m not dead. But am I truly living?” –James Corden

The Oscars went very well. We were chugging along. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, it turned into one of those Maury Povich paternity test shows. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Bush showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke (taking $20 million from Ron Perelman)

"President George Bush is in Israel right now. But he doesn't really fit there. He showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke." --David Letterman

"When you take George Bush out of his own environment, when you take him out of his own culture, like in Israel for example, he makes mistakes. Earlier today, he was speaking at a group of people in Jerusalem and he finished up by saying, 'I am Jewish guy.' There's no getting around it, George Bush is confused. He thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perelman." --David Letterman

"How about this? Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary last night, huh? It was a surprising victory and today she is denying that she used human growth hormone." --David Letterman