opening up our public lands for drilling (she's used to being around criminals)

"A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling." –Jay Leno

"And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she'll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she's used to being around criminals." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sounds like someone’s getting ready to have a pretty crazy Super Bowl party (And get this... tickets are still available!)

Officials in California are looking for thieves who stole nearly $50,000 worth of bull semen. Sounds like someone’s getting ready to have a pretty crazy Super Bowl party. –Conan O’Brien

The preserved forearm of a 16th century saint is on a tour across Canada. And get this... tickets are still available! --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it! (At number two, Ezra)

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat! (really really really really high chair)

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year is the really really really really high chair. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

In a brilliant move during closing arguments the O.J. Simpson Attorney, Johnnie Cochran, put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat!” --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job (1,000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day)

President Biden marked the end of his first year in office with a two hour press conference. Because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. But as I have been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job. —Colin Jost

Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex that was seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said that it is just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1,000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon (Those galaxies aren't colliding. They're doing it)

"NASA recently announced they have a photograph from the Hubble Telescope that shows two galaxies colliding. Then they took a closer look and said, 'Wait a second. Those galaxies aren't colliding. They're doing it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln (Last Names)

This weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a fit bit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name. –Conan O’Brien

In Washington, D.C., yesterday, vandals spray-painted graffiti on the Lincoln Memorial. Historians are calling it the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business (a monopoly on truth)

“The National Park Service is asking visitors to please stop licking the hallucinogenic toads. The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business.” —Jimmy Fallon

So, Michelle Obama actually had a nice time showing Melania Trump around, although it got weird when they walked into the Lincoln Bedroom and Melania said, “Wow, what a lovely closet.” –Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’ll be replaced by the current number two republican in the senate (the dishes are piling up at home)

Mitch McConnell, seen here walking out of the theater after watching 12 Years a Slave, announced he will step down in November. He’ll be replaced by the current number two republican in the senate, a frozen embryo holding an assault rifle. —Colin Jost

After Nikki Haley’s poor showing in Michigan, pressure is mounting on her to drop out of the race, but mostly because the dishes are piling up at home. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Will you carry me? (diluted, disguised, sweetened, muted, falsified)

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, “Will you carry me?” –Seth Meyers

The Republican congressional candidate for a special election in Montana yesterday reportedly body-slammed a journalist after he asked a question about the Republican healthcare plan. Now, to be fair, that basically is the Republican healthcare plan. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel's Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, "Oh, no, he's an Indian, too?" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The pill that everyone wants but can't seem to swallow (I guess his rabies test came back negative)

March 2023

“We are bracing for the start of CPAC, the Republican convention which stands for Clowns Periodically Assembling in Convention centers and offered a chance for the far right to get together and share crazy thoughts. They started it with the traditional 21 assault rifle salute, and the pledge of allegiance to Donald Trump. 

The conference includes real panels like no Chinese balloons above Tennessee, sacking the woke playbook, parents with pitchforks, the Biden crime family and MySpeech by MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell. I guess his rabies test came back negative, and he’s able to speak at this event. 

To buy a general admission ticket, which cost $295, purchasers had to sign a waiver releasing CPAC from liability with respect to Covid. This is the same group of Republicans who say Covid is a joke, make you sign a waiver so they’re not responsible if you die from that joke. Perfect. 

One notable absence from this year’s CPAC is former vice-president Mike Pence. The last time a big group of these Maga monkeys got together, they tried to hang him, so he opted out.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is the only candidate who appears to be made of dough (but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two)

Even Trump’s staunchest supporters are starting to have doubts because, evidently, white nationalists are already losing faith in the president-elect. That is so sad. I mean, they’ve gone from “Heil!” to “Huh?” –Stephen Colbert

Evidently, any bad news for Trump is rigged. If it rains on Inauguration Day, he’ll tweet, “Fake weather. Clouds are rigged. Apologize!” –Stephen Colbert

"It makes sense that Newt Gingrich is rising. He is the only candidate who appears to be made of dough." –Stephen Colbert

“Some have criticized the police for pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two.” –Stephen Colbert

It was an especially awkward moment, because Trump was in town to tout the benefits of the Republican tax plan. And he knows exactly who deserves all the credit for the booming economy [clip of Trump]: "You know, you can work hard, but if you don't have the right leader setting the right tone, in all fairness — I am not even saying — I am NON-braggadocious.” [imitates Trump]: I do the most least amount of bragging anyone has ever seen. I have record-breaking humility. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Some of the most prestigious a**hole factories in America (It requires so little of your time)

Let's get right to the big story. Becky from Full House might go to jail for cheating her kids into college. I have shocking news for everyone here tonight. Rich people cheat and their kids are fucking stupid. 50 people have been charged in this massive scheme to bribe coaches and administration officials so their kids could get into elite colleges, and the schools involved we're talking about Yale, Stanford, Georgetown. Some of the most prestigious asshole factories in America. --Bill Maher

Beto O’Rourke just announced his candidacy for president. That makes 15 democrats running. Trump is already calling them a caravan. --Bill Maher

Not only is atheism not a religion, it's not even my hobby and that's the best thing about being an atheist. It requires so little of your time. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

She's expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff (the other one-third are still laughing at the word 'poll.')

Sharknado 3 premiered last night and SyFy has already confirmed that there will be a Sharknado Four. It’s like a bad joke that’s gone too far. And you can tell, because Sharknado is now the Republican frontrunner. –Seth Meyers

The 17-year-old daughter of one of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was arrested today for DUI and driving on a suspended license. She's expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff. —Seth Meyers

"According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word 'poll.'" –Seth Meyers

"A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a disappointment on opposite sex marriage (That's almost $150 million per book)

 

"More problems for Hillary Clinton. The head of New York state's leading gay rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on same sex marriage. Today, her husband Bill described her as a disappointment on opposite sex marriage." --Jay Leno

"Sometime this week, the Pentagon will attempt to shoot down a spy satellite up in space. The government said this is the only way we can be sure that the New England Patriots never win a Super Bowl again." --Jay Leno

 

"Plans were announced to raise $300 million for the George W. Bush Presidential Library. $300 million. That's almost $150 million per book." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because you tore the [expletive] out of your good pants rock-climbing on peyote (Side note here)

July 2021

“During a visit to the White House yesterday, pop star Olivia Rodrigo made a surprise appearance at the afternoon press briefing to help promote youth vaccinations, which should have a big impact on the millions of teens who watch the White House press briefings.” —Seth Meyers

“Side note here — it’s nice to see a real celebrity at the White House after the last four years, when the previous president could only manage to dig up the likes of Ted Nugent or Scott Baio.” —Seth Meyers

“Joe Biden’s got huge celebrities helping him out with an unprecedented nationwide campaign to get Americans vaccinated against a deadly disease, and all Trump could muster was 18 holes with Kid Rock and his flag pants, which look like something you buy for six bucks at a truck stop because you tore the [expletive] out of your good pants rock-climbing on peyote.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do (It took me ages to get her husband's voice right)

I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right. --Jimmy Carr

I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, I hope not not. It’s your phone number. --Jimmy Carr

Do you know you’re meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish? I went on holiday, everyone else knew. I didn't know. They told me, they said if you get stung by a jellyfish you’re supposed to pee on it. I'll tell you this much, it doesn't work as well on shark bites. The boy's family were livid. Apparently once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do. --Jimmy Carr

Creationists,  the hardline right-wing Christians believe every word Genesis says. I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer. --Jimmy Carr

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”