When did things start to go wrong (ratings gold)

The Democrats were mocked after their government shutdown live stream only attracted 400 viewers, or as CNN calls it, ratings gold. — Greg Gutfeld

Kamala Harris said she asked Bill and Hillary Clinton for running mate advice before choosing Tim Walz. They reminded her wisely that the best safeguard against assassination is a VP who's an idiot. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true (But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise!)

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

one long trip to get my dry cleaning (double A batteries)

China is testing a spacecraft that will put the first Chinese person on the moon. It will be one small step for man and one long trip to get my dry cleaning. —Greg Gutfeld

 A WNBA coach is demanding action over sex toys being thrown on the floor during games, saying that it's offensive to toss them without including double A batteries. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lies the rich and corporations tell (#WhyVinDieselTrippin?)

President Trump even imposed tariffs on remote islands that are only inhabited by penguins. Well, then maybe penguins shouldn't keep pushing their gay agenda. —Colin Jost

The live stream of Cory Booker's speech got more than 350 million likes on TikTok and was reshared millions more times with the hashtag #WhyVinDieselTrippin? —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow that's almost a third (emptier than Jerry Nadler's colon after Cinco de Mayo)

The Trump Administration said 50% of the Department of Education staff will be eliminated, shocking the staff who exclaimed exclaimed, ‘Wow that's almost a third.’ —Greg Gutfeld

So as DOGE shines the light, the roaches run in fright. This week a senior official at USAID ordered her troops, or what's left of them, to destroy all their documents at the Ronald Reagan Building in DC. That way their files will be emptier than Jerry Nadler's colon after Cinco de Mayo. —Greg Gutfeld

The high school runner who hit her opponent on the head with a baton faces assault and battery charges, but claims it was all an accident. She actually meant to shoot her. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

MSNBC is happy to report they found a replacement for their 7 p.m. time slot (Heaven gained another angel today)

A wild brawl broke out at the Spirit Airlines gate at the Atlanta airport. As punishment every Spirit passenger was allowed to board their flight. —Greg Gutfeld

A Connecticut man who ate parts of another man that he murdered, has been granted supervised release from a mental hospital. While citizens are outraged, MSNBC is happy to report they found a replacement for their 7 p.m. time slot. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.' (Y'all Mericans)

"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man named Abdullah Abdullah. Of course, he usually goes by his middle name, Kevin." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Make Jobs, Not War (So, where's the lama?)

"Supreme Court confirmation hearings are under way for Judge Samuel Alito. It's pretty interesting. Democrats want to know his position on privacy, while Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama today at the White House. Another awkward moment. When the Dalai Lama showed up, Bush said, 'So, where's the lama?'" --Jay Leno

 

"Hey, John McCain is moving up in the polls. In fact, he appears to be getting support from younger voters. How young you say? Well, yesterday, he was endorsed by Nancy Reagan. She said she's either going to endorse McCain or nobody. Well, that's got to make you feel good, huh?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Don't blame me, I wasn't even there (When did things start to go wrong?)

"For the first time ever, Republicans in Congress -- Republicans! -- are demanding to know the president's exit strategy from Iraq. Yeah, in response George W. Bush said I have an exit strategy, I'm leaving office in 2008." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush traveling a lot these days. You notice that? Last week, Bush was in Latin America, and later this week he's going to Asia. The trips are all part of Bush's new domestic plan, 'Don't blame me, I wasn't even there.'" --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm trying to help you (the first marijuana vending machine)

This morning, Twitter went down for almost an hour. As a result, President Trump was forced to open a window and start yelling at people on the street. --Conan O’Brien

"It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan a con man who couldn't deliver the goods.' Trump also called Abraham Lincoln 'a bearded moron who couldn't even sit through an hour of theater.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There should be a flag on that play, and I’m going to say a Confederate flag (playing a game called Reagan)

"There's another big story that happened last night. It was the Democratic debate in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. All the candidates were there. All the candidates were at the top of their game. None more so than Hillary Clinton. Here she is engaging with the other candidates, using all the powers of persuasion -- waving, smiling, and of course, using her heat vision. It took a little while to put Barack's suit out. Between Hillary and Obama, there were some huge fireworks last night after they started playing a game called 'Reagan.' It's kind of fun. Each of the Democratic candidates accuses the other one of saying they like Ronald Reagan and then the other candidate plays back by breaking a bottle and trying to cut out your eyeball." --Stephen Colbert

On Friday, President Trump addressed the football controversy. “Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say get that son of a b**** off the field right now, out, he’s fired? Fired!” Wow. Son of a b****. That was unnecessary roughness. There should be a flag on that play, and I’m going to say a Confederate flag. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I tripped and fell today, but I'm OK (overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow)

"It's been reported the Republican convention decided not to show a hologram of Ronald Reagan for fear it would overshadow Mitt Romney. It's never a good sign when your candidate is in danger of being overshadowed by something that technically doesn't make a shadow." –Conan O'Brien

"A former Navy SEAL has a book out that claims Osama bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. The book is called 'Who Cares, He's Dead.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In a recent speech, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to be more like him. I think it's working - today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, I don't want to give to much information away on what they revealed... (Republicans should have nominated Reagan's reanimated corpse)

 

"Every time the president comes up with a new secret tactic to down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover: torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our e-mails, secret prisons. All perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror. Well last week, the New York Times did it again folks. Now, I don't want to give to much information away on what they revealed, because a large percentage of my audience is terrorists." --Stephen Colbert

"Oh, Mike Huckabee, I don't want to have to say Huck-a-bye. Maybe it's all just a terrible dream. I'll just close my eyes and when I open them, Huckabee will be the nominee [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States']. Noooooo! He's not a real conservative. I'm not saying the Republicans should have nominated Reagan's reanimated corpse. I just didn't want it to be John McCain's reanimated corpse." --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I don't know if there's a coincidence, but it's the same week they're closing Neverland (I don't work for you!)

"Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan. I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim." –Bill Maher

"That’s one nice thing I got to say about George W. Bush, he never visited Los Angeles. For eight years it was like being passed over by the Angel of Duh." --Bill Maher, regarding traffic in Los Angeles when Obama is in town

 

"They're finally closing the Abu Grab-ass prison. I don't know if there's a coincidence, but it's the same week they're closing Neverland." --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you (Snackchip and Toejam)

 

"The huge political news over the weekend was that Barack Obama won the South Carolina primary. You got to give it up for the guy. He won despite persistent rumors that I helped spread that he had fathered a black child, and named that child Reagan. Full name: Reagan I Love Reagan Obama." --Stephen Colbert

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. –Stephen Colbert

"All in all, this was a great first day for the convention, but, of course, the media did their best to try to ruin it by callously revealing a private matter in the Palin family, namely that Governor Sarah Palin's eldest daughter is named Bristol. Have you no shame, media? That's nobody's business. That is a private pain, meant to be kept between Bristol, and Track, and Willow, and Piper, and Trig, and let's say Snackchip and Toejam." --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump (I'm doing this for America)

CBS announced that season 33 of "Survivor" will be called "Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X." It'll start in September, and end 20 minutes later when both teams realize there's no Wi-Fi. –Jimmy Fallon

The Wall Street Journal just reported that America has a surplus of cheese and that every person in the country would have to eat an extra three pounds of cheese this year to get rid of it. So the next time the pizza guy judges you for ordering extra cheese, just say, "I'm doing this for America." –Jimmy Fallon

The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump, and revealed that he has life-sized portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan (I thought I had it bad)

"There is something indicative about his character because it seems like Mitt Romney was kind of a bully. This was not the only bullying thing he did. He also took poor kids' lunch money – oh, I'm sorry, that's his present-day economic policy." –Bill Maher

"The head of the RNC Reince Priebus attacked Democrats today for worshiping Hollywood movie stars. And then he went outside and turned on the lights on the big 50-foot statue of Ronald Reagan." –Bill Maher

"When Mitt Romney was in prep school he led a pack of his friends to forcibly hold down this sensitive gay kid as he screamed and cried, and then cut off his hair, because he had too long hair for Mitt's tastes. And today Mitt's dog said, 'I thought I had it bad." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy (the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint)

The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint. –James Corden

In addition to being cable’s top rated host, Bill O’Reilly has written a number of best-selling books including “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Reagan,” and “Killing Kennedy.” And I really look forward to his next book, “Killing Time at Home.” –James Corden

One person who hasn’t had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy. –James Corden

You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine's just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits. He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Did Russia just pee on our drone? (funneling crack into their neighborhoods)

March 2023

“A Russian fighter jet collided with a US drone this week. They didn’t even leave a note on the windshield. The incident involved the fighter jet ‘dumping fuel’ on the drone. Did Russia just pee on our drone?” —Stephen Colbert

“Lindsey Graham used the incident as an opportunity to criticize Joe Biden, suggesting he was too lenient and wondering what Ronald Reagan would do if he were in charge right now. He would take Russia down by funneling crack into their neighborhoods.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She was so hot, guys, I wish you could’ve seen her, but she was so classified (There’s no rush. You’ve got plenty of time)

September 2022

“We looked into the case of JR Majewski, a GOP House candidate from northwest Ohio who appears to have lied about his military service. Majewski touted his combat experience in Afghanistan following 9/11, but military records show he served away from combat in Qatar. Majewski has denied misrepresenting his time in service, and claimed that all of his records of deployment are classified. Yeah, that’s right people, he cannot prove that he was in combat because all of the records are classified. And I believe him. Man, I’ve been there. When I was in middle school, my girlfriend was classified too, and it sucked. She was so hot, guys, I wish you could’ve seen her, but she was so classified.” —Trevor Noah

“An announcement from the governor of New York state, Kathy Hochul, that they plan to put surveillance cameras in every New York subway car. The plan is to have cameras in every train – basically the subway is starting an OnlyFans account. Which, I don’t know. This is either going to discourage public masturbators or really excite them. How are there not already cameras? There are cameras in every aisle at Duane Reade. I find it hard to even steal lipstick any more. The cameras won’t be installed until 2025, so if you were planning to commit a crime on the subway, there’s no rush. You’ve got plenty of time.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”