So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last (a radioactive douchebag)

New research just came out that finds that consuming potatoes and alcohol can lower your sperm count. So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last. –Conan O’Brien

El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes. –Conan O’Brien

Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal (it’s still attached to a hand)

The Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand. --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Donald Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

This weekend was St. Patrick’s Day! And of course, there was a big parade here in New York, and a lot of men were wearing kilts. It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was created when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag (Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance)

"In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'" –Conan O'Brien

The Las Vegas Strip has just opened its first medical marijuana dispensary. Which is why today the city changed its slogan to "What Happens in Vegas… Wait, What Just Happened In Vegas?" –Conan O’Brien

New research just came out that finds that consuming potatoes and alcohol can lower your sperm count. So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last. –Conan O’Brien

Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Every joke is a tiny revolution (which White House toilet did he flush them down?)

“The House committee investigating the events of Jan. 6, 2021, reported a seven-hour gap in President Donald J. Trump’s phone records, including the time of the Capitol riot. Seven hours. I don’t know if anyone else is a fan of the show ‘Dateline,’ but if your phone records are missing even 10 minutes, you’re guilty.” —Jimmy Fallon 

“Even the ghost of Richard Nixon is like, ‘I don’t think you can do that.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“The only time there should be a seven-hour gap is when you’re trying to remember what happened on St. Patrick’s Day.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Instead, for all of those hours, all the White House phone records just say, ‘Scam likely.’” —Stephen Colbert

“And now after making the discovery, the House committee is investigating whether Trump used burner phones. It’s always reassuring when a president acts like a character in ‘The Wire.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump denied it, saying, ‘I’ve never had a burner phone. I’ve had a couple of burner wives, but no burner phones.’” —James Corden

“So now the big question is, which White House toilet did he flush them down?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“I wouldn’t be surprised. I mean, he already has a burner son.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They didn’t dye the beef — everything was just very moldy back then (Probably not Irish)

March 2022

“It is St. Green Vomit Day, also known as St. Patrick’s Day, also known as the day on which the world’s reddest white people wear green.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, it’s a great day to be Irish and a bad day to be an Uber driver.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You can tell people were ready to let loose. On my way in, I heard a guy on the street ask where the bathrooms are, and another guy said, ‘It’s wherever you want it to be.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“It’s funny, everything we know about St. Patrick’s Day is not true. St. Patrick was born in England, not Ireland. There are no snakes in Ireland to drive out. And that creep wearing the ‘Kiss me, I’m Irish’ T-shirt? Probably not Irish.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In fact, the world’s first recorded St. Patrick’s Day parade took place in what is now St. Augustine, Florida, in 1601. At this parade, they drank green beer and ate green beef. They didn’t dye the beef — everything was just very moldy back then.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So get ready for the craziest St. Patrick’s Day in the history of the world (higher than the people of Denver)

January 2022

“Speaking of breaking records, thanks to Omicron, the seven-day average for newly reported cases in the U.S. topped 700,000. Seven hundred thousand! That’s the population of Denver, and you know you’re in trouble when you’re higher than the people of Denver.” —Stephen Colbert

“But Omicron could be over by Groundhog Day, which would be just in time because scientists in Cyprus have found 25 cases of a strain of the coronavirus that they say combines elements of the Delta and Omicron variants, that they’re calling ‘Deltacron.’ Deltacron, also the name of the disappointing Transformer who turns into a delayed flight for Atlanta.” —Stephen Colbert

“Scientists are currently disputing a new study that claims to have discovered a so-called Deltacron strain of the coronavirus. It combines the Delta and Omicron variants, and the only thing that can stop it is the Pfizerna vaccine.” —Seth Meyers

“Well, guys, today, the C.E.O. of Pfizer said that its vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in March. So get ready for the craziest St. Patrick’s Day in the history of the world.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It feels like this March Madness, we’ll be filling out brackets to predict which of the 68 variants will become the dominant strain.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

Well, not everything — if you’re Trump, you still can’t tweet (I just got invited to an orgy at Dr. Fauci’s)

May 2021

“The C.D.C.’s new guideline states that fully vaccinated Americans no longer had to wear masks in most places. Yeah, if you are fully vaccinated, you can go back to doing the things you did before the pandemic. Well, not everything — if you’re Trump, you still can’t tweet.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Oh, man. Every bar in New York City is going to feel like St. Patrick’s Day fell on Cinco de Mayo.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I think things are about to get crazy. Seriously, I just got invited to an orgy at Dr. Fauci’s.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone is excited about the news while the adults who secretly got braces are like, ‘I thought I had more time.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Now I can tell all my friends, ‘Come over and hang out,’ instead of, ‘Come over and hang out, as long as we’re from no more than two different households and at least three of us are vaccinated, and also we’re just on Zoom.’” —Trevor Noah

“Now that you don’t have to have a mask outdoors or indoors, now you know if you still have trouble dating it’s your personality.” —James Corden

“Oh, hell yes! I’m finally going to watch ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’ the way it was meant to be seen — on a plane!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, you’re not, Governor Cuomo, stop that (or as Irish dads call it, hugging)

March 2021

“Today is March 17, which means it’s St. Patrick’s Day. It is the day Irish people say, ‘Kiss me, I’m Irish,’ and people say, ‘No, you’re not, Governor Cuomo, stop that.’” —Trevor Noah

“It’s a big day for me, since I’m Irish. I’m a Colbert, I’m a Tuck, I’m a Fee, I’m a Conley, I’m a Tormie, I’m an O’Neill. In fact, I scored 100 percent on Rotten Potatoes.” —Stephen Colbert

“St. Patrick’s Day during Covid is pretty strange. You’ve got to stay six feet apart, or as Irish dads call it, hugging.” —Jimmy Fallon

“My question is, is it really St. Patrick’s Day if I can’t watch a guy on Fifth Avenue puke into a green hat at 8 a.m., you know? I mean, are we really celebrating when I can’t see a subway grate blow a kilt over a man’s head?” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old (Painting blue balls green)

March 2012

“Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled twelve-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.” –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is determined to win the Southerners back for the general election. His slogan down there is now ‘Romney: Oh right, like you’re gonna vote for the black guy.’” –Bill Maher 

“Today is St. Patrick’s Day Eve, the traditional day where Irish Americans drink all the booze they bought for tomorrow night’s party and the day when Rick Santorum paints his blue balls green.” –Bill Maher

“You know what's kind of ironic? This will be the fourth St. Patrick's Day of Obama's presidency. He still hasn't created a green job. What happened to those?” –Jay Leno

“Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich made his final public appearance yesterday, before beginning his 14-year prison term. No word on who his cell mate is yet. It's probably a good chance it's another former Illinois governor.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”