The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business (a monopoly on truth)

“The National Park Service is asking visitors to please stop licking the hallucinogenic toads. The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business.” —Jimmy Fallon

So, Michelle Obama actually had a nice time showing Melania Trump around, although it got weird when they walked into the Lincoln Bedroom and Melania said, “Wow, what a lovely closet.” –Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is what makes him relatable to voters (the lower the number, the better the score)

"A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is down to 10 percent. That still doesn't seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them." –Jimmy Kimmel

I would definitely pay $100 to watch Rex Tillerson and Donald Trump take IQ tests against each other. And I guarantee the next day, Kellyanne Conway would be saying that the lower the number, the better the score. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump finished 121 on the list and he's not happy about that. Forbes says he has a net worth of $4.5 billion, but he says that's wrong, "I'm worth $11.5 billion." This is what makes him relatable to voters. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the apple doesn't fall far from the guy who stole a bunch of apples (low standards)

“The president tried to prove how healthy he was this weekend by releasing this photo of him ‘at work.’ Now, some have pointed out that the piece of paper seems to be blank. Now, people were mocking this online, which made Trump furious at his staff. He was like, ‘You guys told me these were military contracts written in invisible ink!’” —James Corden

Following yesterday’s story that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called Trump a moron, this morning Donald Trump went on a Twitter rant, saying, “This is fake news put out by NBC. Low news and reporting standards.” Now, he may be right about NBC having low standards. They did air 14 seasons of “The Apprentice.” –James Corden

An article published today revealed that Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. were nearly indicted for fraud back in 2012 for misleading investors. You know what they say — the apple doesn't fall far from the guy who stole a bunch of apples. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal (it’s still attached to a hand)

The Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand. --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Donald Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

This weekend was St. Patrick’s Day! And of course, there was a big parade here in New York, and a lot of men were wearing kilts. It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And we can’t even show you what they did over at Hooters (What’s he going to do next, take away Tiny Tim’s crutches?)

Well, congratulations to everyone who had Rex Tillerson in their office pool. President Trump has fired Rex Tillerson, his secretary of state, which I think means the only remaining White House staffers are Mike Pence and a Roomba. --Seth Meyers

In honor of International Women’s Day, McDonald’s is flipping its golden arches to resemble a W instead of an M. And we can’t even show you what they did over at Hooters. --Seth Meyers

“We should be providing those people with immediate and direct help. Instead, the Trump administration is still moving forward with a truly sadistic plan to kick 700,000 people off food stamps right as a global pandemic tanks the world economy. Trump is like a villain from a Charles Dickens novel. What’s he going to do next, take away Tiny Tim’s crutches?” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is down to 10 percent. (the lower the number, the better the score)

"A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is down to 10 percent. That still doesn't seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them." –Jimmy Kimmel

I would definitely pay $100 to watch Rex Tillerson and Donald Trump take IQ tests against each other. And I guarantee the next day, Kellyanne Conway would be saying that the lower the number, the better the score. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress is about to head off on their August recess, which seems appropriate. Adults go on vacation, children go on recess." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, there’s no weed in there now, so technically, that is a vase (smart people will never be on our side)

Right now, these devices are totally legal because, according to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, a bump stock “Is a firearm part and, therefore, is not regulated as a firearm.” Yes, it’s not a gun, it’s just a part of a gun. Like when your parents find your bong and you tell them, “Hey, there’s no weed in there now, so technically, that is a vase.” –Stephen Colbert

It all started this morning, when NBC News reported that over the summer, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson openly disparaged President Trump by referring to him as a "moron" after a meeting at the Pentagon. Hold on there, Rex! Nobody calls our president a moron except me! And other world leaders. And, ultimately, history. –Stephen Colbert

"It is high time that the GOP stop trying to appeal to smart people – and letting Rick Santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start." –Stephen Colbert, on Santorum's remarks that "smart people will never be on our side”

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you think the moron bought it? (Theriously?)

The third movie in the “Thor” series is going to be called “Thor: Ragnarok.” Mainly because calling it “Thor Three” would give everyone a speech impediment. "Theriously?" –Jimmy Fallon

But after it came out that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called President Trump a "moron," Tillerson held a press conference and called the president "smart." Then he said, "Do you think the moron bought it?" –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it’s great for people who like watching sports completely still. “Wow! What a catch — nobody move! Oh, now we’re watching Lifetime.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only remaining White House staffers are Mike Pence and a Roomba (55% is less than half)

Rachel Maddow aired an exclusive report last night uncovering a portion of President Trump’s 2005 tax return. Specifically the part where he claimed Ivanka and Donald Jr. as dependents and tried to write off Eric as a loss. –Seth Meyers

Well, congratulations to everyone who had Rex Tillerson in their office pool. President Trump has fired Rex Tillerson, his secretary of state, which I think means the only remaining White House staffers are Mike Pence and a Roomba. --Seth Meyers

A woman in Wisconsin was arrested over the weekend after allegedly handing out marijuana cookies at a St. Patrick's Day parade. Police became suspicious when nobody got into a fistfight. --Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 55% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the electoral college, but unfortunately, because of the electoral college, 55% is less than half. --Seth Meyers

That's right. 89 years ago today, Colonel Sanders founded fast-food chain KFC. And boy, was Trump pissed when he found out he still had to come to work today. Meyers as Trump, "It's a holiday!" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months (a pooty call)

The White House canceled all of Trump's public events because of the snow. And because Trump got his tongue stuck on a flagpole. --Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump called Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his re-election. Yup, he called Putin on the phone, or as Trump calls it, “a pooty call.” --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study. But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have a study. –Jimmy Fallon

"This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn't where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it's not where it should be — kind of like the letters in 'Reince Priebus.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand (the same religion)

It just came out that Trump’s secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence — I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.” --Jimmy Fallon

That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months. --Jimmy Fallon

The Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand. --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

This is like the movie “Inception,” except with uglier people (Moral High Ground)

Here’s what Trump tweeted: “Mike Pompeo, director of the CIA, will become our new secretary of state. He will do a fantastic job! Thank you to Rex Tillerson for his service! Gina Haspel will become the new director of the CIA, and the 1st woman so chosen. Congratulations to all!” Congratulations to all? Did he just congratulate someone that he fired? Then again, maybe even Trump realizes that getting to leave his White House calls for a celebration. --James Corden

But this story gets even weirder because, a few hours later, Trump also fired Rex Tillerson’s undersecretary of state for contradicting Trump’s account of how Rex Tillerson was fired. Congratulations to all! --James Corden

So now, Trump is firing staffers over the firing of other staffers. This is like the movie “Inception,” except with uglier people. --James Corden

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

apparently, a Snapchat story just wasn’t presidential enough (He’s going to go live on a farm)

There was some shocking news out of Washington this morning. Donald Trump fired his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson. This surprised me mostly because I thought Tillerson got fired months ago. If you don’t know who Rex Tillerson is, he’s the old, rich white guy that worked for Trump. No, not that one, the other one. No, not that one either. --James Corden

After the firing, Trump said, “I think Rex will be much happier now.” That is literally what you tell little kids when the family dog dies. “I think Rex will be much happier now. He’s going to go live on a farm.” --James Corden

But here’s the craziest part: Initial reports said Rex Tillerson found out he was fired over Twitter. Because, apparently, a Snapchat story just wasn’t presidential enough. --James Corden

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

While Trump thinks Iran is Iraq (Mike Pence and a Roomba)

Well, congratulations to everyone who had Rex Tillerson in their office pool. President Trump has fired Rex Tillerson, his secretary of state, which I think means the only remaining White House staffers are Mike Pence and a Roomba. --Seth Meyers

President Trump this morning cited differences of opinions on the Iran nuclear deal as motivation for firing Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. You see, Tillerson thinks the Iran nuclear deal is necessary for global stability. While Trump thinks Iran is Iraq. --Seth Meyers

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Wait, how the hell am I still here? (brags about using the bathroom alone for the first time)

In the past few weeks, Gary Cohn, Hope Hicks, and now Rex Tillerson have all left the White House. Most people have said they’re shocked — while Betsy DeVos was like, “Wait, how the hell am I still here?” --Jimmy Fallon

People close to Rex Tillerson said there wasn’t a single hint that he’d be fired. Though in fairness, there was one huge hint — he worked for Donald Trump. --Jimmy Fallon

Trump has been telling people that he fired Rex Tillerson all by himself. Trump brags about firing people the same way a toddler brags about using the bathroom alone for the first time. --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Then Hillary Clinton said, “Yes, actually, I can.” (Man, that’s cold)

Today President Trump announced on Twitter that he fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. People said, “Can you believe that he was so disrespectful to a secretary of state?” Then Hillary Clinton said, “Yes, actually, I can.” --Jimmy Fallon

Rex Tillerson only found out he was fired when Trump tweeted about it. Even Becca from “The Bachelor” was like, “Man, that’s cold.” --Jimmy Fallon

Rex Tillerson learned he was fired by seeing the president’s tweet. It got even worse when Trump called him five minutes later and asked him why he didn’t retweet it. --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Do as I say, not as I paid someone $130,000 to shut up about my doing (Tillerson’s roommates)

Under President Trump, abstinence-only education is making a comeback. Or as Trump told teenagers, “Do as I say, not as I paid someone $130,000 to shut up about my doing.” --Conan O’Brien

President Trump fired his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, on Twitter. It makes sense when you consider that Trump hired Tillerson on Tinder. --Conan O’Brien

Rex Tillerson reportedly doesn’t know why he was fired. At least, that’s according to Tillerson’s roommates, Sean Spicer and Omarosa. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html