Easy Big Fella, all I did was ask your name (It felt like the last big bash before the Epstein files come out)

“There are so many bad parts of a government shutdown, but the worst so far is that as of this weekend, nearly 42 million Americans have lost their food stamp benefits. No one should understand the importance of daily meals more than Donald Trump. Hungry is his favorite emotion. It’s his whole thing – Trump and food is like JFK and sex, or Thomas Jefferson and sex, or Lincoln and his hat, which he had sex with.” —Stephen Colbert

Trump’s “disapproval rating” is 63%. And what do you do when you have a terrible approval rating? You throw the most ill-timed, tone-deaf Halloween party imaginable, A Great Gatsby party. You know, throwing a party at your private golf club where the theme is rich white people hours before millions of Americans are set to lose their food assistance might be the Trumpiest Trump move of all time. It felt like the last big bash before the Epstein files come out. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln (standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes)

In Washington, D.C., yesterday, vandals spray-painted graffiti on the Lincoln Memorial. Historians are calling it the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln. –Conan O’Brien

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Tell McKinley I'm busy (the guy who invented the penny)

"In Michigan, the world's oldest person recently turned 116. When the president called to congratulate her, she said, 'Tell McKinley I'm busy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark (keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave)

While campaigning in New Hampshire, Jeb Bush said that Marco Rubio has never been challenged in his life. Then Jeb told the shocking story about the time his father put him in charge of his own trust fund. –Conan O’Brien

"A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie 'Lincoln' are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark." –Conan O'Brien

"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Controlling what people think is our job (so apparently he sucks at math too)

Joe Biden has been stealing other people's material for so long Abe Lincoln sent him a cease and desist. You know Joe's pension for plagiarism started at law school where he admitted to lifting entire passages for a term paper and Syracuse law school punished him by giving him an F and making him retake the class. That's right he was left back in law school. I didn't know that was possible. This would be the law school where Joe says he finished in the top half half of his class but it says he finished 76 out of 85, so apparently he sucks at math too. —Greg Gutfeld      

Joe Biden also claimed to have his helicopter forced down by al Qaeda, to have been shot at in Iraq and to have been arrested in civil rights demonstrations, including trying to visit Nelson Mandela in jail. To be fair, he did think Mandela was Corn Pop. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NHL: Toronto Maple Leafs vs Chicago Blackhawks

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

"Super!" said Hillary and Donald at the same time (And he hates going to plays)

Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who will be moderator for the final presidential debate of election season, said in an interview this week that he doesn't feel it's his job to call out the candidates when they lie. "Super!" said Hillary and Donald at the same time. –Seth Meyers

A Pennsylvania rapper who has a song called “Sell Drugz” was arrested this week for allegedly selling narcotics. Even worse, his attorney has a song called “Lose Cases.” –Seth Meyers

During the same rally President Trump claimed that he could be more presidential than any president in history, quote, "Except for possibly Abe Lincoln with the big hat." Oh, right. That Abe Lincoln. Are you at a campaign rally or Show and Tell? "This is my Abe Lincoln. He has a really big hat. And he hates going to plays." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot (Dear Santa)

"Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he's seen as a senator. That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot." –Conan O'Brien

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing emails from President George W. Bush's Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln (Last Names)

This weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a fit bit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name. –Conan O’Brien

In Washington, D.C., yesterday, vandals spray-painted graffiti on the Lincoln Memorial. Historians are calling it the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler (the guy who invented the penny)

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it." –Conan O’Brien

Volkswagen's settlement for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler." –Conan O’Brien

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm trying to help you (the first marijuana vending machine)

This morning, Twitter went down for almost an hour. As a result, President Trump was forced to open a window and start yelling at people on the street. --Conan O’Brien

"It just came out that Donald Trump once called Ronald Reagan a con man who couldn't deliver the goods.' Trump also called Abraham Lincoln 'a bearded moron who couldn't even sit through an hour of theater.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lincoln never did that! (I guess that makes you Dozo the Clown)

In Donald Trump’s pre-trial remarks, he said that he was “proud” to be there. He’s proud to be there, for an assault on our country. He’s proud to be at his trial for paying off a porn star. Who wouldn’t be proud of that? Gosh, I only wish his parents were alive to see it. —Jimmy Kimmel

One thing he’s right about is when he says that there’s never been anything like this, because Donald Trump is the first former US president to be tried for paying hush money to an adult film star who said his penis is shaped like a mushroom. Lincoln never did that! —Jimmy Kimmel

The trial is expected to last six weeks or until the courtroom sketch artist runs out of orange, whichever comes first. —Jimmy Kimmel

“If Biden is Sleepy Joe, I guess that makes you Dozo the Clown.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m gonna see like 10 plays this year (Nah, I'm good)

A new study has found that when romantic partners hold hands while in pain, their brain waves can sync and decrease that pain. "Nah, I'm good," said Melania. --Seth Meyers

It was reported today that Martha Stewart will team up with the world's largest legal-marijuana producer to develop a new line of cannabis products. And her next cookbook is just gonna be a bunch of takeout menus stapled together. --Seth Meyers

“Just two weeks ago, Trump claimed the US had only 15 cases and dropping ‘close to zero’. He could not have been more wrong. Close to zero is an insane thing to say when you’re on the brink of a disease outbreak. That should be emblazoned in history as the worst presidential prediction since Abraham Lincoln said, ‘I’m gonna see like 10 plays this year.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My last name? It's not important (this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me)

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

Disneyworld's Hall of Presidents debuted an animatronic President Trump today. Good lord! Disneyworld, is that supposed to go in the haunted mansion? Even Lincoln is looking at him like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. –Seth Meyers

"Jeb Bush announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he's going to run as just 'Jeb.' He said, 'My last name? It's not important.'" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she was deeply saddened to be reminded that your partner could live that long (Beaver Moon)

Melania Trump made a rare public appearance when she attended the funeral of former first lady Rosalyn Carter at the age of 96. Melania said that she was deeply saddened to be reminded that your partner could live that long. —Michael Che

In her new book, Liz Cheney claims that one republican called Donald Trump ‘Orange Jesus.’ But it’s like you always say Colin, there’s only one Jesus and he’s white. —Michael Che

One of the founders of the Black Lives Matter movement announced that he is supporting Donald Trump for President. And I’m going to assume he announced it at a traffic stop. —Michael Che

These week sky gazers were treated to the Beaver Moon, which is only visible for a few seconds when the moon gets out of the shower. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Also, we need you to come in on Saturday (mistletoe belt buckle)

"'Sarah Palin's Alaska' got huge ratings for its premiere. It was followed by 'John McCain's Mesopotamia.'" –Jay Leno

"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno

"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

4 out of 5 citizens love democracy! (Mainly because no one wants to eat elk pie)

"This is the latest: While on vacation, President Bush, I guess this was in the paper today, reportedly is reading a book about Abraham Lincoln or as President Bush calls him: the guy from the pennies." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Hillary Clinton than with Sarah Palin. That's what the poll said. Yeah. Mainly because no one wants to eat elk pie." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.' (Boom, just like that)

When kids rang Donald Trump's bell and yelled, “Trick or treat,” Trump yelled “Trick,” and before the kids could grab any candy, he declared bankruptcy. Boom, just like that. –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, the health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

How y’all like my critter? (It was stolen from you)

In New York, a 100-year-old woman still works 11 hours a day, six days a week. The bad news is, she’s a stripper. She doesn’t dance to "Cherry Pie," she gives you the recipe for it. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is now trying to appeal to Southerners. Yeah, he’s been touring the South and pointing to his hair, saying "How y’all like my critter?" –Conan O’Brien

"Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he's seen as a senator. That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air (The system's fine folks!)

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said over the weekend that he's not sure who he'll vote for, but he loves Donald Trump. I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air. –Seth Meyers

A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik’s cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket. –Seth Meyers

During the same rally President Trump claimed that he could be more presidential than any president in history, quote, "Except for possibly Abe Lincoln with the big hat." Oh, right. That Abe Lincoln. Are you at a campaign rally or Show and Tell? "This is my Abe Lincoln. He has a really big hat. And he hates going to plays." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”