I spelled my name right! (Whoa — is it noon already?)

"Big announcement at NBC. George Bush's daughter, Jenna, was just hired as a correspondent on the Today Show. The show said they wanted someone who would make Kathie Lee look sober." --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump just went on Twitter and bragged about a poll showing that he has a 46 percent approval rating. Really? That’s like posting a math quiz on the fridge where you got a D+. “I spelled my name right!” –Jimmy Fallon

"New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The app is called Why? (It was a great night for O.J.!)

A new app lets people take selfies with virtual versions of "The Today Show" anchors. The app is called Why? –Conan O’Brien

One of the big winners at last night's Emmys was "The People v. O.J. Simpson." I gotta say, there’s nothing better than checking out the news and hearing, "It was a great night for O.J.!" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same schedule her old man had (And that is assuming I make it past tomorrow's death panel interview)

"Dick Cheney accused Obama of setting a 'terrible precedent.' That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a 'terrible precedent,' not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal." --David Letterman

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't even realize this until this morning, Sunday will be the 16th anniversary of Paul and myself doing the show here at CBS. Sixteen. And that is assuming I make it past tomorrow's death panel interview." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp (See? It goes right back to Cheney again!)

Republican congressman Randy 'Duke' Cunningham was sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today, as everybody else did, that in President Bush's re-election campaign, they're going to take the money they got from this Jack Abramoff guy and donate it to heart patients in need. See? It goes right back to Cheney again!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was 666. And the devil did not show up yesterday, unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The only way this story could be more Florida is... (Don't come in here!)

A couple in Florida was just arrested for selling drugs out of their mobile home after police noticed that they had constructed — and we're not making this up — a drive-thru window. The only way this story could be more Florida is if the drive-thru were run by an alligator and his stripper girlfriend. --James Corden

It's crazy that this is the first time Ted Cruz has been caught looking at porn because, in every single photo, he looks like he just got caught looking at porn. When asked to comment on this story, Ted Cruz said, "Don't come in here!" –James Corden

Much of the criticism stemmed from Matt Lauer not pressing Trump when he lied or didn't answer questions. My question is, how did Matt Lauer even end up with this job? Was there a conversation at NBC like, “You know who would be great for the presidential forum?” And they were like, “Oh, the guy on ‘The Today Show’ who excitedly announces they're now making pumpkin spice marshmallows.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway (What are the odds?)

"You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own." –Craig Ferguson

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson

"Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's the same schedule her old man had (terrible precedent)

"Do you remember when George W. Bush was the President? Eight years of big time fun. And he had daughters, the Bush twins. And well, listen to this. One of the Bush twins, Jenna, 27 years old now, not just a kid. So now, listen to this. Jenna Bush is going to be on the 'Today' show. And if there is anything this country needs, it's more of that family. They can't get enough." --David Letterman

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. They say she will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney accused Barack Obama of setting a 'terrible precedent.' That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a 'terrible precedent,' not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The deadliest jobs in America (Oh crap, the kids!)

"The Today Show" just featured a group of moms in California

who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When

asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, "Oh crap, the

kids!" –Jimmy Fallon

A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, the New York Mets lost to the Washington Nationals, 25-4. Or as Mets fans put it, "Sweet. We scored four runs. Awesome." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle (Here comes Banana Hammer!)

Yesterday, Trump's national security adviser, John Bolton, appeared in front of reporters while holding a notepad, and everybody could see his top-secret notes. This is real. Take a look at this. It says "5,000 troops to Colombia." Well, it's not the first time a politician has mistakenly revealed what's on their notepad during a meeting. For example, it also happened to Chris Christie. His notepad said, "5,000 wings to Super Bowl party." Up next, Betsy DeVos. Her notepad said, "5,000 minus 3,000 equals turtle." --Jimmy Fallon

And all day, newscasters were doing interesting things to show just how cold it was. Check out what they did on the Today Show this morning, “So, how cold is it? One man actually turned this super-frozen banana into a makeshift hammer.” What? -That's actually footage of Trump trying to build his border wall. Usually you only hear the phrase "banana hammer" at a male strip club. "Here comes Banana Hammer!" --Jimmy Fallon

Today Amazon announced it's creating its own healthcare company. That's kind of awkward getting healthcare from Amazon. Especially when a drone flies over your house and says "Viagra for Bob. Viagra for Bob." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The show said they wanted someone who would make Kathie Lee look sober (No hablo inglés)

"Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted after he threatened to veto funding for a district attorney's office unless she stepped down. He's now the most controversial governor in the country – which is why today he got a gift basket from Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump's recent immigration plan would cost at least $166 billion. When asked how he'd pay for it, Trump was like, "No hablo inglés.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Big announcement at NBC. George Bush's daughter, Jenna, was just hired as a correspondent on the 'Today' show. The show said they wanted someone who would make Kathie Lee look sober." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's true, now hand me another golden sausage (They wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet)

"I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'"  –Craig Ferguson

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson

"At the convention tonight, the surprise speaker was Clint Eastwood. What's more surprising than a grumpy old white guy at the Republican convention?" –Craig Ferguson

"So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same schedule her old man had (The child of fear, the father of ignorance, and the weapon of tyrants)

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had." --David Letterman

"The Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate. The same criteria." --David Letterman

"Do you remember when George W. Bush was the President? Eight years of big time fun. And he had the daughters, the Bush twins. And well, listen to this. One of the Bush twins, Jenna, 27 years old now, not just a kid. So now, listen to this. Jenna Bush is going to be on the 'Today' show. And if there is anything this country needs, it's more of that family. They can't get enough." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya (Apache blessing)

"Here's the latest deal on the Hurricane Katrina/FEMA situation. FEMA's relief funds, $1.2 billion, were spent on things like a divorce, a sex change. Does this make you angry? Are you angry because you had to pay for your own divorce and your own sex change?" --David Letterman

"Saturday is April Fool's Day and President Bush has a great April Fool's joke planned. He's going to put out that old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman

"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman

"It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Everybody has Mardi Gras fever. I was watching the 'Today' show earlier today and Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing? (Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people)

A new Election Commission report just came out saying that the Trump campaign isn't doing so well financially, and is practically broke. It's not good — in fact today, Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel. –Jimmy Fallon

"On the Republican side, today former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he is running for president. While growing up he wanted to be a veterinarian, but his grades weren't good enough. Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people." –Jimmy Fallon

"On the Today Show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Oh, good. Because our number one concern here is, how are you guys doing?" –Jimmy Fallon

Since a judge approved AT&T's merger with Time Warner, experts say it could open up the door for other big companies to merge. We took a look at some companies we'd like to see merge, just because of what they could rename themselves. I'll show you what I mean. For example, if Saks Fifth Avenue and Citigroup merged, they'd be "Saks and the Citi." If Myspace and eBay merged, they'd be "my bae." If Chili's and Netflix merged, they'd be "Netflix and Chili's." And finally, if Bonobos and Dunkin' Donuts merged, they'd be "Bo-Dunk-a-Dunk." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ (You lost us at textbook)

"Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It's a selfie he took with Larry King." –Conan O'Brien 

In Utah, a woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth in a Walmart bathroom. Or as that procedure will soon be known, “the Trumpcare dental plan.” –Conan O’Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan described Donald Trump’s remarks about a Hispanic judge as a "textbook definition" of racism. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, "You lost us at 'textbook.'" –Conan O’Brien

Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant. –Conan O’Brien

"Today Show" host Savannah Guthrie is skipping the Olympics in Rio because she’s pregnant and worried about the Zika virus. In a related story, Bob Costas just announced he is pregnant. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the Today Show (You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp)

"Yesterday was 666. And the devil did not show up yesterday,

unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter

on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

"Republican congressman Randy 'Duke' Cunningham

sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard

out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change

is later this year? It was supposed to be last week.

According to the New York Times, Congress made

this decision in part from pressure from the candy

lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating.

Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby

can't get stem cell research through. The consumer

lobby, we can't get lead out of toys. But by God,

when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar,

the candy lobby has the power." --Jay Leno

"What is it with all these gay Republican sex scandals?

Remember the old days when a politician would just

put his hand in your pockets to get your money."

--Jay Leno

"According to a new report the San Andreas Fault

right under Los Angeles is ready to explode and

cause the biggest earthquake in history. Isn't that

frightening? They said it could wipe Malibu off the

map. You thought Bush was slow to respond to

New Orleans, how long is it going to take him

to save Barbara Streisand?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm already against the next war (the Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis)

April 2013

"This week on the 'Today' show, Chelsea Clinton said she's open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, 'Cool. How does secretary of state sound?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical 'Grease.' That's also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong." –Conan O'Brien

"The Obama administration new budget plan calls for saving billions of dollars by selling off federal properties. So folks get ready for the Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it's constitutional (a bucket of pheasant McNuggets)

June 2012

"Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the 'Today' show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it's constitutional." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman

"President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney's business career by calling him an 'outsourcer-in-chief.' Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”