Thursday, June 30, 2016

Cheney Libre (absentee ballots)

"Mexico is having its presidential election on July 2nd. You know, it's the only presidential election where every ballot is an absentee ballot."--Jay Leno

"North Korea wants the United States to know they're about to test a long-range missile that they say may eventually have the capability of reaching the United States. Ooohhh. Since we're exchanging knowledge here, it may be good for them to know we have a few thousand missiles that can reach North Korea in about an hour. In fact, if Kim Jong ordered a pizza, our missile would get there first." --Jay Leno

"This is frightening. North Korea is ready to test long-range ballistic missiles. And next, they're going to start working on indoor plumbing." --David Letterman

New Yorkers would have been like, 'Is that Febreeze?' (see the links)

"They're calling this one of the worst collapses in U.S. Open history. On the last hole, Phil Mickelson shot into the hospitality tent. The next shot he hit a tree. You know, the last time a rich white guy aimed this bad was when Dick Cheney shot a lawyer in the face." --Jay Leno

"It turns out al Qaeda had a plot to put poisonous gas in the New York City subway system and then abandoned the idea at the last minute. Well, sure, once it mixed with the toxic fumes and vile odors already in the subway, who would have noticed? New Yorkers would have been like, 'Is that Febreeze?'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush is creating a Marine sanctuary in the Pacific Ocean off the northwest islands of Hawaii. You know what that means? No oil there." --Jay Leno

adjustment to his poster from "Change" to "Ka-ching!" (giant pile of garbage)

It's hard to believe that there are only seven months left in the Obama presidency. You never know how much you're going to miss a guy until you see the options. –Stephen Colbert
A lot of people are wondering what Barack Obama will do after he's president. I read today that he is thinking about becoming a venture capitalist in Silicon Valley. So, evidently, Obama is going to be going for the cash. Good for him, but he may have to make a slight adjustment to his poster from "Change" to "Ka-ching!" –Stephen Colbert
Trump is making a real effort to appear more presidential these days. Yesterday, he went to a Pennsylvania recycling plant where he unveiled part of his economic platform. And instead of wearing his trademark baseball cap, he stood in front of a giant pile of garbage. –Stephen Colbert

turning something in on time is a huge victory for marijuana enthusiasts

In November, California voters will vote on a measure to legalize marijuana for recreational use. Supporters of the amendment turned in the required amount of signatures on time to get on the ballot. Whether the measure passes or not, turning something in on time is a huge victory for marijuana enthusiasts. –Jimmy Kimmel
A new Quinnipiac University poll has Trump and Clinton almost tied. This is the first tie for Donald Trump that wasn't manufactured in China. –Jimmy Kimmel

Enjoy your holiday weekend (Sorry, creeps)

Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, "Except for my husband." –Conan O’Brien
The Miss Teen USA pageant has officially gotten rid of the swimsuit portion of the competition. They announced this in a brief press release that simply said, "Sorry, creeps." –Conan O’Brien
Toyota announced another massive recall because their airbags can explode at any moment. Toyota then said, "Enjoy your holiday weekend." –Conan O’Brien

It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes (new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor)

A new ballot measure will allow Californians to vote in November on whether to legalize recreational marijuana. Californians will have the option of voting either "Yes" or "Hell yes." –Conan O’Brien
In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump spoke in favor of waterboarding. Trump said, "It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes." –Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, Donald Trump gave a speech at an industrial plant while standing in front of a giant wall of trash. Before the speech, Trump welcomed his new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor. –Conan O’Brien

armed with rifles, hand guns and plenty of beads (our most breathtaking screensavers)

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest protected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands National Monument. The preserve is larger than all of America's national parks combined. It contains sea life that has inspired some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

"Dick Cheney spoke at the National Press Club yesterday. Cheney pointed out that because of tough anti-terror policies, the last five years have been virtually free of terrorist incidents on our soil. In fact, during that time Cheney, himself, has shot more Americans in this country than any terrorists." --Jay Leno

"Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco has ordered National Guard troops to assist police in patrolling New Orleans. National Guard troops down there will be armed with rifles, hand guns and plenty of beads." --Jay Leno

a two-hour ride on the giggle train (male enhancement product)

"North Korea is getting ready to test a missile they say can reach the United States. According to military intelligence, the name of this missile is Taepo-Dong 2. Doesn't that sound like some male enhancement product?" --Jay Leno

"North Korea's Kim Jong-il acknowledged Monday he was developing a nuclear missile program 'to deter attacks from the West.' It's called the Taepo-Dong. Before you laugh, you should know that in Korean, that translates to 'kind of penis.'" --Jon Stewart

"This Taepo-Dong could be horrific. Millions could die from this Dong. A veritable Dong-ocaust. By creating lethal weapons with very silly names, they're making their growing military might seem hilariously innocuous. And you know our president -- you mention Taepo Dong at a national security briefing, and he's taking a two-hour ride on the giggle train. It's not just the Taepo-Dong. Did you know Kim's working on neutron explosive that burns you from the inside out, leaving you a charred husk of flesh? It's called Long Fat ****. Worst of all, when it blows up, it spreads a deadly biochemical cream of sum yung guy" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

vows/forgery/Leno's problem/ask Maria Shriver

"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank." --Jay Leno

"Today was Dan Rather's last day at CBS. He turned in his letter of resignation, which later turned out to be a forgery." --Jay Leno

"This is a little frightening. The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States. I was thinking about this and was like, 'Oh hell, that's Leno's problem.'" --David Letterman

"According to scientists one day we may have sex with robots. And if you want to know what that's like, just ask Maria Shriver."  --David Letterman

stop winking when he says that (taking a giant s--- on the poor)

"The Senate voted not to raise the minimum wage, which for the last 9 years has been $5.15 an hour. They did vote themselves a pay raise, but they didn't vote to raise the minimum wage. I just want to say, 'Good.' I'm glad they didn't do it because the lower strata of American society has had a free ride for too long. And if you gave them $7.25 an hour, you know it would just go up their nose and out their hose. You don't want to give them walking around money. So, kudos to Congress for literally taking a giant s--- on the poorest people in the country." --Jon Stewart

"In a recent speech, former President  Bill Clinton said that if  Hillary runs for president, he'll do whatever is asked of him. Hillary says the first thing she's going to ask Bill to do is to stop winking when he says that." --Conan O'Brien

Bush got a little annoyed with everyone doing the Arnold impressions all the time

"President Bush was in Austria yesterday. You know, I think he's confused. He's not good on geography. On his way to Austria, he told Dick Cheney he'd bring him back a boomerang." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he liked Austria, but he said he got a little annoyed with everyone doing the Arnold impressions all the time." --Jay Leno

"It's official. Yesterday was Dan Rather's last day at CBS. What a great couple of weeks for President Bush, huh? He got rid of al-Zarqawi and now Dan Rather. His two biggest enemies." --Jay Leno

Not a bad idea to kick off bikini season (former Republican official now in jail)

"North Korea is reportedly trying to develop a missile that can reach the West Coast of the United States. Apparently, the Korean missile will land in California and open up a nail salon." --Conan O'Brien

"Saddam Hussein has announced a new hunger strike to protest the shooting death of his lawyer yesterday. Not a bad idea to kick off bikini season." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush raised $27 million for the Republican Party. A record at a fundraiser. Interesting pricing at the event, like for $2,500 you got dinner. $25,000 got your picture taken with the president. And for $250,000 you got your license plate made by a former Republican official now in jail." --Jay Leno

An Inconvenient Rash (Bush has no idea what that means either)

"Hot outside today, isn't it? It is so hot today that Al Gore has a  new movie, 'An Inconvenient Rash.'" --David Letterman

"Last week Congress found a topic everybody in any party could grandstand about. Violent video games were the latest target of Washington's election year ire. The issue is the video game industry's rating system. Many feel that the 'M' for 'Mature' rating is too vague in describing content. Not to mention, completely inaccurate to describe anyone who plays video games. They proposed a three-tiered system that would start with 'D' for  'Dropout.' 'W' for 'Wastoid' and max out at 'CMB' for 'Child in Man's Body.'" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush is in Austria. He's trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade. Yeah, he has no idea what that means either." --David Letterman

Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics! (strategery)

There's a thing called the Euro Cup soccer tournament. It's happening right now in France. And yesterday, Iceland, the tiniest nation in the tournament, beat powerhouse England 2-1. This is the worst thing to happen to England in four days. –Stephen Colbert
Just yesterday, Rio's acting governor warned the Olympics could be a "big failure," which is actually an improvement, because until yesterday, it looked like a massive catastrophe. –Stephen Colbert
Corruption and crime aren't the only things plaguing the Olympics. There's also actual plague, because fear over the Zika virus, which can cause birth defects, has led some athletes to stay home and others to take special precautions, like freezing their sperm. "What's going on in there?" "Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics!" –Stephen Colbert

She's a toddler with a gold medal, which is impressive (Osamas killed: 0)

It's tricky for journalists to write about Caitlyn Jenner, because she was a 65-year-old man, now she's a 2-year-old woman. She's a toddler with a gold medal, which is impressive. –Jimmy Kimmel
Barnes & Noble, the bookstore, has not been doing great. They have a new plan to attract customers. They're planning to open four bookstores next year that serve beer and wine. They hope that offering alcohol will encourage more people to come in. To me this is clearly a Barnes idea; Noble would never be involved in this. –Jimmy Kimmel

So finally, a reason to watch porn (and we were founded by Hitler)

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it." –Conan O’Brien
A new porn site is donating a penny to charity each time someone watches one of their porn videos. So finally, a reason to watch porn. –Conan O’Brien
Volkswagen's settlement for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler." –Conan O’Brien

sounds to me like someone’s shopping for a new wife (then a house fell on her)

Donald Trump appears to be softening some of his anti-immigration views lately. So it sounds to me like someone’s shopping for a new wife. –Conan O’Brien
In Britain yesterday, 90-year-old Queen Elizabeth told reporters, “I’m still alive.” It was in response to the question, “What’s the first thing you tell Prince Charles every day?” –Conan O’Brien
Today, Democrats said the committee investigating Hillary Clinton’s involvement with Benghazi was a "witch hunt." Hillary tried to respond, but just then a house fell on her. –Conan O’Brien

but you have to remember they don't have Fox News over there

"It's so hot today that Dick Cheney looked in the mirror just to get that cold stare coming back on his face. It was so hot people are standing along the border of North Korea just to catch the breeze of all the missiles going by." --Jay Leno

"The government of Afghanistan has sent a letter to the news stations and all journalists in that country ordering them to report only favorable news about the government. Now I know that sounds harsh, but you have to remember they don't have Fox News over there." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he gets up every morning at 5:30 a.m. and he makes a cup of coffee for his wife, Laura. Isn't that nice? And he has to tip-toe very softly because Cheney has a gun under his pillow." --David Letterman

If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down (minimum wage)

"President Bush gave the commencement address at the Merchant Marine Academy. While he was there a cadet, who took six years to graduate, surprised President Bush by giving him a bear hug. When asked about it, the cadet said, 'President Bush is an inspiration to everyone who takes six years to graduate.'" --Conan O'Brein

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brein

"Congress gave itself a big raise this week and voted against the minimum wage, which is kind of ironic. I mean if anybody should getting minimum wage, it's Congress." --Jay Leno

Whoomp! There It Is (Bush respects their leader, Buddha, as well)

"President Bush got back tonight from his very brief trip to Europe. Boy, remember the old days when it used to take longer than two days to visit all of our allies?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, one awkward moment in Hungary. See, I don't think President Bush really prepares for these trips. Geography is not his area. He told the people of Budapest that although he believes in Jesus, he respects their leader, Buddha, as well." --Jay Leno

"President Bush arrived in Austria for a summit yesterday. Bush was greeted by protestors banging drums and blowing whistles. There was an awkward moment when the president asked the protestors to play 'Whoomp! There It Is.'" --Conan O'Brein

a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die (Dick "One-Note" Cheney)

"It was so hot today, Dick Cheney was sweating bullets." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die." --Jay Leno

"According to a new report the San Andreas Fault right under Los Angeles is ready to explode and cause the biggest earthquake in history. Isn't that frightening? They said it could wipe Malibu off the map. You thought Bush was slow to respond to New Orleans, how long is it going to take him to save Barbara Streisand?" --Jay Leno

"This week Saddam Hussein began a hunger strike, but he ended it after only skipping one meal. When asked why he ended the hunger strike so quickly, Saddam blushed and said, 'They had tatter tots.'" --Conan O'Brien

In God We Trust (Where Are My Teeth?)

"Over in the Middle East, Saddam Hussein's hunger strike is officially over. Saddam went on a hunger strike Thursday morning to protest the murder of his lawyer. They brought him lunch and he refused. And then dinner came and he ate. He forgot it was pizza bagel night." --Jimmy Kimmel

"First Lady Laura Bush said President Bush wakes her up every morning by bringing her coffee in bed. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton says Bill Clinton wakes her up every morning by sneaking back into bed." --Conan O'Brien

"Florida Governor Jeb Bush signed a new law making 'In God We Trust' Florida's official state motto. 'In God We Trust' just barely beat out Florida's other state motto, 'Where Are My Teeth?'" --Conan O'Brien

Dick Cheney and the Goblet of Lies (Jesus, it's hot)

"A 140 year-old tree on the White House grounds fell over. The minute the tree fell over President Bush wasted no time in blaming it on the New York Times." --Jay Leno

"Do you know this story? Today President Bush criticized the New York Times for revealing a government program to spy on people's bank accounts. President Bush defended it. Bush said, 'If you want to figure out what bad people are doing, follow the money.' He's right. That's how we got Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"The National Academy of Sciences says that due to pollution and global warming, this year the Earth has been the hottest since the time of Jesus which explains why the disciples were always saying, 'Jesus, it's hot.'" --Conan O'Brien

Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore (global leaking)

"Have you seen these huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York? Or as Al Gore is calling it, global leaking." --Jay Leno

"Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore." --Jay Leno

(on AG Alberto Gonzales announcing that the seven men arrested in Miami with suspected ties to al Qaeda were going to wage a full ground war against the United States): "Seven guys? I am not a general. I am not in any way affiliated with a military academy, but I believe if you are going to wage a full ground war against the United States, you need to field at least as many people as, say, a softball team." --Jon Stewart

Today President Bush had him put under surveillance (FEMA headquarters floated away)

"Today Warren Buffett announced he's giving away his multi-billion dollar fortune to charity rather than leaving it to his kids. He said he doesn't believe someone's son should inherit his father's position in society. Today President Bush had him put under surveillance." --Jay Leno

"President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bad times on the East Coast as much of Washington, D.C. is flooded. Several government agencies had to close down including the Justice Department, the IRS and the National Zoo. FEMA headquarters floated away." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Census Bureau revealed today that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. The big difference between Las Vegas and D.C., of course, is that in Las Vegas people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno