My God, I wish they would have put this much preparation into the Iraq War (If the "patriots" of today were alive in 1776)

"Here now is a list of requirements for Dick Cheney's 'downtime suite': He wants bottled water. He wants decaffeinated coffee. He wants an ice bucket. He wants ammo. He wants the temperature at 68 degrees, the TV's must be tuned to Fox news. I was thinking, 'My God, I wish they would have put this much preparation into the Iraq War.'" --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, in parts of the world, there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said that the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.' (Sound familiar?)

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

"Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right." –Jay Leno

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If the Senate confirmed chief justice Cocaine Bear (We tortured some folks!)

April 2023

“I know, it feels good, but remember: Trump is innocent until he is proven so, so guilty. At the courthouse, Trump was read his Miranda rights, then he claimed that Miranda wasn’t even his type, asked her to sign an NDA and got indicted again.” —Stephen Colbert

“Despite calls for a mass protest, there were so few Maga protesters in New York that reporters had to line up to talk to them. It’s never a good sign when there are fewer people at your current rally than are in prison for your last one.”  —Stephen Colbert

“I have an uneasy feeling stemming from Trump’s arrest, because no matter how you feel about the ex-president … the man who was arrested today is likely to be the Republican nominee for president, even if he has to accept the nomination on the phone through Plexiglass. So all of this was weird and totally unprecedented, and yet it still feels like the right thing to do. In the same way it would be weird and unprecedented to shoot a tranquilizer dart inside the US Supreme Court, but it would be the right thing to do if the Senate confirmed chief justice Cocaine Bear.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is a man a heartbeat away from both the presidency and one count of manslaughter (this level of scrutiny)

"President Bush's first stop was Israel. But why is it when you go to Israel, they love us there? Look at the real friendship between Olmert and Bush [on screen: Olmert's various compliments of Bush]. I wonder if Bush's ass is kosher." --Jon Stewart

"Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart

"I do want to begin with an update on our Vice President, Dick Cheney. He didn't shoot anyone else, but he is a man a heartbeat away from both the presidency and one count of manslaughter." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The U.S. Owes Iraq "Just Compensation": Muslim Peacemaker Sami Rasouli on 2003 Invasion & Aftermath

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza (Iraq Rememberer)

Today, the republican held senate rejected Donald Trump’s border emergency declaration 59 to 41. I mean the last time Trump lost a vote this badly he was elected president. --Stephen Colbert

President Trump called us late night talk show hosts untalented and wondered what we were all going to do in 2024 when he’s no longer president. Well, first there’s the parade. Then, there’s the national orgy. And then I’m thinking a sandwich and a nap. --Stephen Colbert

One adult video website announced it would donate snow removal services to several cities in the Northeast because it wants to “plow Boston.” Very generous. Very, very generous. I’m not sure I trust the porn industry with city services. I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

War Made Easy: Norman Solomon on How Mainstream Media Helped Pave Way for U.S. Invasion of Iraq

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

haiku: Bush’s legacy

Bush’s legacy

same on troops and the country

post-traumatic stress

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law! (Isn't that a condom ad?)

Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law! –Jay Leno

President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme -- "Safer, Stronger, and Tested." Isn't that a condom ad? –Jay Leno

"In his speech President Bush said we need to rebuild Iraq, provide the people with jobs, and give them hope. If it works there maybe we'll try it in New Orleans." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then he went back to his mountain fortress to create a mate for his monster (You mean like that, Dick?)

"Dick Cheney accused President Obama of setting a 'terrible precedent.' That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a 'terrible precedent,' not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal." --David Letterman

"But now, Cheney can't keep his mouth closed, and he's talking about he's really upset with the Obama Administration about the CIA torture probe. He said he can't stand it. He said it's a huge mistake and we shouldn't be doing it. And then he went back to his mountain fortress to create a mate for his monster." --David Letterman

"It's interesting to me that since they've been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. He says 'You shouldn't be looking into the CIA torturing policy.' He made that announcement, then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey." --David Letterman

"Cheney says that the CIA torture probe is a terrible idea and should never have been authorized. You mean like the war in Iraq? You mean like that, Dick?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

for that kind of money we could have another three weeks in Iraq (it doesn't work as well on shark bites)

Creationists, the hardline right-wing Christians believe every word Genesis says. I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer. --Jimmy Carr

Eight billion pounds is a lot of money to spend on the Olympics in London. I mean for that kind of money we could have another three weeks in Iraq. --Jimmy Carr

Do you know you’re meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish? I went on holiday, everyone else knew. I didn't know. They told me, they said if you get stung by a jellyfish you’re supposed to pee on it. I'll tell you this much, it doesn't work as well on shark bites. The boy's family were livid. Apparently once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At this point it’s basically El Chapo and Donald Trump (Jail Bush/Free Assange)

August 2022

“There is the case of Donald Trump associate Allen Weisselberg and the former president’s predilection for being close to criminals. The Trump Organization financial chief pled guilty to tax fraud after being Trump’s No. 2 guy for the last 40 years. Can we just take a moment to appreciate how many people associated with Donald Trump have ended up in prison? The list includes: his lawyer, campaign manager, his deputy campaign chairman, and now the chief financial officer of his organization. Usually you gotta run a drug cartel to have this many friends doing hard time … at this point it’s basically El Chapo and Donald Trump.” —Trevor Noah

“They need to send all of these Trump felons to school assemblies to scare kids away from Trump.” —Trevor Noah

“But despite Weisselberg’s proximity to Trump for decades, the former president has denied awareness of any wrongdoing. Now I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re wondering to yourself, surely if Trump’s second in command was committing financial crimes with Trump’s company then Trump must also be involved. Well actually no, because the story is that Trump had no idea what was happening in his organization for decades. He had no clue – and that, my friends, is the kind of leadership that makes him fit to be the next president of the United States.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band (National Girlfriends Day)

And finally, soccer's governing body, FIFA, announced yesterday that it has added a new rule prohibiting goalkeepers from throwing the ball into the other team's net. "Eh, you get used to it," said the Knicks. --Seth Meyers

Today was National Girlfriends Day, so don't forget to send her $130,000. --Seth Meyers

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived.” That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey. I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

some are citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing (Something Important)

"I guess now Dick Cheney knows what it feels like when someone you thought was a friend shoots you in the face." --Jon Stewart on Fox News' Megyn Kelly calling out Cheney for being wrong on Iraq

"The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing." --Jon Stewart

"Osama bin Laden released an audio tape today claiming more attacks on U.S. soil were imminent, yet also offering a truce to help rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which I guess is sort of an olive branch. A burning olive branch. It's a mixed message. Now, first of all, Osama said he offered a truce because polls show the majority of Americans are against the war. Here's what he doesn't understand. That's the war in Iraq. Everybody over here is pretty much in favor of bombing the %#$@ out of you." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it’s just a classic case of do as I say, not as I coup (Thank you for clearing that up. Now, let’s go do that crime)

June 2022

“The first part of the hearing focused on the now infamous plan to have Mike Pence refuse to certify the election, a procedural move for which he had no authority. As former Pence lawyer Greg Jacobs told the committee, Trump lawyer John Eastman told him on January 6th: ‘Al Gore did not have the basis to do it in 2000, Kamala Harris shouldn’t be able to do it in 2024, but I think you should do it today.’ Well, it’s just a classic case of do as I say, not as I coup.” —Stephen Colbert

“And this is what we learned: All the lawyers knew that overturning the election was a crime. They all told each other that they knew it was a crime. They all told everybody in the White House it was a crime, including the president. They told him, ‘Sir, it’s a crime’ and he said, ‘Thank you for clearing that up. Now, let’s go do that crime.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Some of the crimes — some of the crimes described today were procedural and constitutional — a little light sedition among friends. Some of them were more straightforward, like, what’s the word? Trying to murder Mike Pence.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like he’s thinking about it all the time, and it just popped out (I hate when I mix up my unprovoked invasions)

May 2022

“During a speech in Dallas on Wednesday, former President George W. Bush misspoke while talking about Russia’s war in Ukraine, referring to it as ‘a wholly unjustified and brutal invasion of Iraq.’ That slip of the tongue has me feeling a little nostalgic. Dubya and I, for about 10 years, had so many good times together back at the old ‘Colbert Report.’ I made so much fun of him, and he gave he so many reasons to do that.” —Stephen Colbert

“Jiminy Christmas! The one phrase he definitely should never utter for the rest of his life. It’s like he’s thinking about it all the time, and it just popped out.” —Stephen Colbert

“Oof. That’s like your wife asking if you’re hungry and saying, ‘I could cheat. I mean eat. I could eat with my mistress.’” —Seth Meyers

“I hate when I mix up my unprovoked invasions.” —James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, you know, in their defense, they're not exactly rocket scientists (the power of the people)

"How 'bout this? Alex Rodriguez is not returning to the New York Yankees. The announcement was made at a fake FEMA press conference. FEMA faked a press conference and earlier today, President Bush strongly condemned it at his own fake press conference."  --David Letterman

"Today is also the third anniversary of the Iraq war. So far so good! Whatever happened to that mission accomplished thing? I think now the only way to get rid of the Iraq war is to put it on NBC." --David Letterman

"NASA lost the original film of the moon landing. Did you hear about this? Well, you know, in their defense, they're not exactly rocket scientists." --David Letterman

"Have you been watching the Roger Clemens congressional hearings? He denies being injected by his trainer. But what I thought was interesting was every time they mentioned 'buttocks,' Sen. Larry Craig swooned." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator (A complex world demands complex hair)

"They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator." –David Letterman

"Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached." –David Letterman

"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman

"Hosni Mubarak was arrested near the Red Sea. They found him in hiding with his two sons, Hosni W. and Jeb." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN (for something they didn't do)

March 2014

"An anchor for Russia's state-owned news channel quit on live TV yesterday, saying that she doesn't agree with the network's support of Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin sent her somewhere no one will ever see her again – CNN." –Jimmy Fallon

"The GOP is releasing short documentaries about Senate candidates to give the public a look at their personal lives. So if you're the kind of person who is excited to see documentaries about Senate candidates, ask your doctor about Zoloft." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics." –David Letterman

"If Putin invades Ukraine and then passes the written test, he will be promoted to dictator." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Iraq the Musical (Happy harmonica)

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"They have built now, robotic women. They're anatomically correct, they have synthetic skin, and they can carry on minimal conversations. As a matter of fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for vice president." –David Letterman

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight, down in Washington, the annual White House Hanukkah party. I think it probably went better than it did last year. Do you remember last year, how embarrassing it was, George Bush hosting the annual White House Hanukkah party? And he greets everybody as they come in and he says, 'Happy harmonica.'" –David Letterman

"The most annoying word of the year is 'whatever.' As always, No. 2 is 'Limbaugh.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”