Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics! (strategery)

There's a thing called the Euro Cup soccer tournament. It's happening right now in France. And yesterday, Iceland, the tiniest nation in the tournament, beat powerhouse England 2-1. This is the worst thing to happen to England in four days. –Stephen Colbert

Just yesterday, Rio's acting governor warned the Olympics could be a "big failure," which is actually an improvement, because until yesterday, it looked like a massive catastrophe. –Stephen Colbert

Corruption and crime aren't the only things plaguing the Olympics. There's also actual plague, because fear over the Zika virus, which can cause birth defects, has led some athletes to stay home and others to take special precautions, like freezing their sperm. "What's going on in there?" "Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics!" –Stephen Colbert