Just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat

"New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Studies have shown again and again that it leads to virtually no recreation. That's how safe it is." –Seth Meyers



"A new CBS News poll shows Chris Christie is ranked ninth out of all Republican presidential candidates. He's just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat." –Seth Meyers



"Boston's city council is considering increasing its alcohol tax. The plan would raise an estimated $900 million billion trillion." –Seth Meyers


A grizzly with the munchies

"Alaska today officially legalized marijuana for recreational use. I think they did this years ago. That's how the Palin kids ended up with those names, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel



"Alaska does have some special rules. You're not allowed to smoke marijuana in public, and you have to follow special disposal rules. You can't just throw a joint in the trash. The last thing you want is a grizzly with the munchies." –Jimmy Kimmel

Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle

"The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?" –David Letterman



"The Oscar telecast went smoothly. It helped that Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle in case any of the speeches went on too long." –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates." –Jimmy Fallon



The top two happiest states are..

"Gallup, the polling company, released its annual well-being index where they rank the health and happiness of residents of each of the 50 states. Alaska finished first and Hawaii was No. 2. It's interesting that the top two happiest states are the ones that are farthest away from the rest of us." –Jimmy Kimmel


"President Obama is giving fourth graders and their families free admission to parks for a year. You can tell kids don't get outside enough, because the last time they saw a sunset they said, 'Hey, there's that thing I saw on Instagram.'" –Jimmy Fallon

He sure sounds presidentiary to me

"Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, 'He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine." –David Letterman



Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House

"Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House." –Jimmy Fallon



"During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention from authorities. It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave his beard." –Jimmy Fallon



Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits

"Last night during a speech, Chris Christie said, 'There's only one Chris Christie, and this is it.' I don't know. It still looks like at least two." –Seth Meyers



"A recent poll shows that New Jersey residents feel Hillary Clinton has the 'right look' to be president, while Chris Christie does not. Then today, Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits." –Seth Meyers



"Ukrainian officials say that while Vladimir Putin was announcing a ceasefire agreement today, over a hundred Russian military vehicles and weapons crossed into Ukrainian territory. Said Putin, 'Is not Ukraine. Is My-kraine.'" –Seth Meyers


In front of all of you capitalist pigs

"Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better." –Jimmy Fallon

"I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it's very nice to be back home in front of all of you capitalist pigs."-Conan O'Brien





"President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy."–Conan O'Brien



You know I've been married for 23 years, right?

"Chris Christie addressed recent stories about his change in personality and said, 'There's only one Chris Christie.' He said the only time there are two Chris Christies is when he's buying seats on a plane." –Jimmy Fallon



"Yesterday a federal judge suspended President Obama's executive order on immigration. When asked if he's mad about being overruled, Obama said, 'You know I've been married for 23 years, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon



NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay

"NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay for misrepresenting a story of something that happened to him 12 years ago in Iraq. I have a solution. They should send him up in a helicopter, fire an RPG at it, and if he makes it down, that's enough. He's forgiven." –Jimmy Kimmel



"A lawmaker in Tennessee is pushing to make the Bible the official state book. It would replace Tennessee's current state book, the menu at Cracker Barrel." –Seth Meyers

The New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat

"Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat." –David Letterman

"NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in." –Conan O'Brien



"A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it." –Conan O'Brien

Because the only other NBC person we have is Bill Cosby

"There's a rumor that NBC is going to have Tom Brokaw fill in temporarily as the NBC News anchor. When asked why, a network spokesperson said, 'Because the only other NBC person we have is Bill Cosby.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, 'This factory is terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon



There may be some Obama-Lama drama

"At today's National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama and the Dalai Lama avoided a direct meeting. Uh-oh, sounds like there may be some Obama-Lama drama." –Seth Meyers

"Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war." –Jon Stewart



"Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams." –Conan O'Brien



Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'" –Conan O'Brien



"Brian Williams of NBC News has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. It was in a bad part of Connecticut." –Conan O"Brien



Today he got an offer from Fox News

"Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News." –Bill Maher



"Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?" –Bill Maher



"What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once hand his brother Florida on a silver platter." –Bill Maher



Brady's giving his truck to Seahawks coach Pete Carroll

"Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady's giving his truck to Seahawks coach Pete Carroll." –Conan O'Brien



"Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated in Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year after the game the Super Bowl MVP shouted, 'No way am I going to Disneyland!'" –Conan O'Brien

It's a Smallpox World

"Hillary Clinton is weighing in on the measles outbreak. She tweeted: 'The Earth is round, the sky is blue, and vaccines work.' She didn't stop there. She also tweeted, 'Fire is hot, ice is cold, and the Seahawks should have handed the ball off to Marshawn Lynch.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"The CDC announced that there are currently 102 measles cases in the U.S. Some say it's because people aren't vaccinating their children. You can tell things are getting bad. Today Disneyland opened a new ride called 'It's a Smallpox World.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Remember that dancing shark from Katy Perry's Super Bowl halftime show? A guy in Colorado actually got a tattoo of the shark. That story again: Weed is still legal in Colorado." –Jimmy Fallon



So that's good news for Bruce Jenner

"Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner." –David Letterman


Brady says the truck handles great..

"An amazing Super Bowl last evening. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks both defeated the Seattle Seahawks." –Seth Meyers



"It really was an incredible game. And even though the Patriots won, you really have to hand it to Marshawn Lynch. Don't think about it. Just hand it to Marshawn Lynch." –Seth Meyers



"Tom Brady was named Super Bowl MVP and was given a new Chevy truck. Brady says the truck handles great, especially after he let some air out of the tires." –Seth Meyers

As opposed to those other guys who forgot about running...

"Mitt Romney announced that he is no longer considering running for president in 2016. As opposed to those other guys who forgot about running — the Seattle Seahawks." –Jimmy Fallon



"In addition to being the winning Super Bowl quarterback, Tom Brady now has a brand-new pickup truck. I guess we'll have to sit through the whole thing about whether his tires are properly inflated." –Jimmy Fallon



Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?

"In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016." –Conan O'Brien



"In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?" –David Letterman


They have to get over the shock of finding out it was illegal in the first place

"CNN is developing a game show to be hosted by Anderson Cooper. It will be just like the other CNN shows except the contestants will make wild guesses instead of the news anchors." –Seth Meyers



"The Jamaican government is considering a bill to decriminalize marijuana. But first they have to get over the shock of finding out it was illegal in the first place." –Seth Meyers



Deflate-gate isn't the only thing in Boston now

"California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain." –Conan O'Brien



"Deflate-gate isn't the only thing in Boston now. Boston is the city chosen to vie for the Summer Olympics in 2024. Mayor Walsh is prohibiting city employees from making negative comments about the games or the process. That seems unnecessary. If people from Boston are known for anything, it's for keeping their opinions to themselves, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel



Mitt Romney said, 'I'm out!'

"One of the most Googled questions during this week's State of the Union address was, 'How much does the president make?' When he saw it was $400,000 a year, Mitt Romney said, 'I'm out!'" –Jimmy Fallon



"As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It's getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside." –Jimmy Fallon



George W. Bush, Poetizer

Ode to Me by George W. Bush, Poetizer Poor people aren't necessarily killers. Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment. Eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class. See, the Senate wants to take away some of the powers of the Administrative branch. I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense. Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal? Every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I've looked at. I do not believe we've put a guilty...I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas. Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods. They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program. God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear. Eliminate the death tax, so that people who build up assets are able to transfer them from one generation to the next, regardless of a person's race. Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three---three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting? Except when yer marchin' to war, it's not a very optimistic thought, is it? In other words, it's the opposite of optimistic when yer thinkin' yer goin' to war. We spent a lot of time talkin' about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease. Budget numbers are not just estimates; these are actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the thirtieth. Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as bein' against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. See, in my line 'o work you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in...to kinda catapult the propaganda. Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh.