pheasant McNuggets (speaking fees)

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's a regular guy, so he was

someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets."

–David Letterman

"I am excited about the World Cup and the U.S. soccer team. But I will admit there are nuances to the game that are lost on me. For example, the United States has won one game, tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0-0, they advance to the finals. It's just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

"The Republicans in Congress voted no on the minimum wage. Wow, that's not the Republicans I know. I think they're confused. We're supposed to apply economic sanctions to the Russians." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave (Trump has been nothing but nice to them)

“Meanwhile, the vice-poodle seems to be learning some Trumpy

new tricks about self-promotion. Mike Pence’s office is refusing to

let White House health experts appear on CNN unless the network

promised to air the vice-president’s non-expert comments. I don’t

know how we explain this to Mike Pence, but he isn’t Batman. He’s

Robin. Nobody cares about Robin. In the last 30 years they made

nine Batman movies, Robin only got to be in two of them. So calm

down, boy wonder. This is no way for the assistant commander of

the Space Force to behave.” —Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only is Sarah Palin young, they're saying she's the prettiest candidate for Vice President since John Edwards." --Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is upset today because so many of his former Republican rivals have not endorsed him. He says he feels like he is running against two parties because none of the guys have jumped in to lend their support. Which makes no sense at all. Donald Trump has been nothing but nice to them. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump is worried he might not pass the NFL’s concussion protocol (I can’t take a hint)

This week, Mike Huckabee, Martin O’Malley, Rand Paul, and Rick Santorum have all decided to drop out of the race. Which explains Jeb Bush’s new campaign slogan, "I can’t take a hint." –Conan O’Brien

The Super Bowl ads cost the most ever this year. The ads cost $5 Million. That’s around $175,000 per second. To put that in perspective, a 30 second commercial on the Conan O’Brien show cost $200, plus I give you a ride to the airport. --Conan O’Brien

President Trump has decided not to take part in the traditional presidential Super Bowl interview. Apparently, Trump is worried he might not pass the NFL’s concussion protocol. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They get the wage and give us the minimum (one of those horns they blow at the World Cup)

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

"Just one week after coming back to work, Congress took the day off today to watch this BCS football game tonight. Remember Congress promised us a five-day work week. It didn't even last a week. That's why they want to raise the minimum wage. They get the wage and give us the minimum." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a holiday! (Ha, ha! Good one, said Iraq)

That's right. 89 years ago today, Colonel Sanders founded fast-food chain KFC. And boy, was Trump pissed when he found out he still had to come to work today. Meyers as Trump, "It's a holiday!" --Seth Meyers

When asked today if the Russian election was free and fair, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, quote, "We're focused on our elections. We don't get to dictate how other countries operate." "Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last (a radioactive douchebag)

New research just came out that finds that consuming potatoes and alcohol can lower your sperm count. So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last. –Conan O’Brien

El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes. –Conan O’Brien

Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But I was told this hamburger would be $38 (leave the room twice to shave)

President Trump gave a speech last night to the Joint Session of Congress. There he listed his achievements and goals and it was long lasting more than 90 minutes. I'm told Rashida Tlaib had to leave the room twice to shave. —Greg Gutfeld

Trump’s speech was so long even Maxine Waters’ wig turned gray. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil (a Dickensian allegory for destitution)

Donald Trump has continued to make more surprising appointments in his cabinet. This morning, Trump chose the CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, as his secretary of state. Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil. –James Corden

This is our first show of the New Year after the holidays. We’re very happy to be back. We actually would have come back last week but marijuana was just legalized here in California so, you know. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about a second revolution? (He's coming home and he's not in a good mood)

"Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday - which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He's coming home and he's not in a good mood." –Jay Leno

"In his speech tonight, President Obama urged Congress to raise the minimum wage. Now don’t confuse that with congressional minimum wage. See, that’s doing the minimum for your wage. That’s completely different." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Other nations would fear us for being so adorable (I never thought I'd say this, but watch your back, Oprah)

"Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable." –Craig Ferguson

"The late night wars are finally over. I'm kind of amazed I'm still here, too. Jay Leno said he's going to go on the Oprah Winfrey show and tell his side of the story. I never thought I'd say this, but watch your back, Oprah." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He'll be wearing his formal wife beaters (leaving his house with his most prized possessions)

Kid Rock is scheduled to perform at Donald Trump's inaugural celebration. Because of the occasions historical importance he'll be wearing his formal wife beaters. —Greg Gutfeld                    

Climate Warrior Leo DiCaprio has fled LA on a private jet as the fires continue to rage. He was seen seen leaving his house with his most prized possessions Britney and Amber. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Frodo needs a Gatorade! (Premium Diesel)

A Colorado marijuana dispensary this week is opening the country’s first combination pot store and gas station. On the downside, you’ll have no idea what you’re getting when you order the Premium Diesel. –Seth Meyers

Marathon weekend is like any other weekend in New York City, except the people going to the bathroom on the street are in much better shape. --Seth Meyers

Hey, marathons, if I wanted to waste my day watching someone travel 26 miles by foot, I'd binge-watch "The Lord of the Rings." Frodo needs a Gatorade! --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill (This again?)

"The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill." –Conan O'Brien

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What? I'm looking at the baby. (if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years)

"Breastfeeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breastfeeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is 28% still technically an approval rating? (They get the wage and give us the minimum)

"Just one week after coming back to work, Congress took the day off today to watch this BCS football game tonight. Remember Congress promised us a five-day work week. It didn't even last a week. That's why they want to raise the minimum wage. They get the wage and give us the minimum." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm my own man, plus another guy (3rd July 1988)

"The Republicans in Congress voted no on the minimum wage. Wow, that's not the Republicans I know. I think they're confused. We're supposed to apply the economic sanctions to the Russians." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The price of a Big Mac (Who’s Hitler?)

SpaceX is planning to build a Mars rocket right here in Los Angeles. The voyage to Mars will take nine months, but eight of those months will be spent just getting out of L.A. --Conan O’Brien

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about (Now you tell me)

"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." –Jay Leno

"Experts say that what happened in Egypt proves that countries in the Middle East can move toward democracy without the U.S. invading them. George W. Bush said, 'Now you tell me.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you think these two guys are confused now, wait till they spend a few hours in 100-degree heat (selling golden high-tops on the streets of Juárez)

“President Biden is going to see what can be done to solve the border crisis, while Trump is going to make sure he doesn’t solve what’s happening at the border. Biden is planning to meet with US border agents, while Trump is planning to sell golden high-tops on the streets of Juárez.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Former President Trump is set on Thursday to visit the U.S.-Mexico border. I’m guessing to make a break for it? —Seth Meyers

President Biden and former President Trump will visit the U.S.-Mexico border. If you think these two guys are confused now, wait till they spend a few hours in 100-degree heat. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”