Thursday, December 19, 2013

Whiter than Santa Claus on Megyn Kelly's front lawn

"Scientists are testing out a new drone that would replace lifeguards. Here's how it works: If you're drowning, the drone would fly out and drop a bomb on you." –Conan O'Brien

"More snow storms all across the country. Man, New England is whiter than Santa Claus on Megyn Kelly's front lawn." –Jay Leno

"George Zimmerman is auctioning an original painting for $100,000. $100,000? Man, this guy is getting away with murder." –Stephen Colbert

Megyn Kelly was just kidding

"Alabama kicker Cade Foster had a tough time in the Iron Bowl, missing three field goals against Auburn. A lot of people blamed him for losing the game. Former President George W. Bush actually sent him a note to offer his support. The guy had such bad aim, you'd think he get a note from Dick Cheney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News host Megyn Kelly now says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she's standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas, definitely Jewish." –Conan O'Brien

"An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop's camera. This new high-tech device is called a small piece of tape." –Conan O'Brien

How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my profile?

"Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves." –Conan O'Brien

"In a speech, Russian president Vladimir Putin slammed the U.S. for being 'genderless and infertile.' My question is: How did Vladimir Putin get his hands on my profile?"  –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. Also congratulations to 'Big Bang Theory's' Jim Parsons. He was named Parsons of the Year. Also congratulations to Iranian President Hasan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year. And for the third year in a row, congratulations to cyanide, named Poison of the Year." –David Letterman

Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians

"According to CNN, 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians." –Jay Leno

"In defending the budget deal, Congressman Paul Ryan quoted the Rolling Stones and said, 'You can't always get what you want.' When it comes to Congress, here's a better Stones quote: 'Can't get no satisfaction.' How about that?" –Jay Leno

"Political correctness is in full swing this holiday season. Kids can't even call Santa's helpers 'elves' anymore. They have to be known as 'undocumented little people.'" –Jay Leno

I thought there might have been some kind of security problem

"This week President Obama attended Nelson Mandela's memorial service in South Africa. Hundreds of world leaders were there. President Obama said it felt strange to listen to these leaders in person rather than eavesdropping on their phone calls." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday everybody reported on the fake sign language interpreter at the Nelson Mandela memorial. Turns out that he was not a fake but a violent schizophrenic who was hallucinating that angels were flying into the stadium. So at least there's a simple explanation for what went wrong. For a minute I thought there might have been some kind of security problem." –Jay Leno

"So let me get this straight. The NSA is listening to our phone calls, but no one is checking up on the violent schizophrenic who is 18 inches from the president of the United States." –Jay Leno

Friday, December 13, 2013

It was exactly the opposite of how we do it in this country

"President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Foreign communist shakes hands with the leader of Cuba.'" Conan O'Brien

"The world said goodbye today to Nelson Mandela. And what a life he lived. He spent 27 years in prison and then ascended to become president of his country. He went from prison to politics. It was exactly the opposite of how we do it in this country." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was named Time magazine's person of the year, and today he performed his first miracle – he got people to buy Time magazine." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Unemployment benefits in North Korea

"New Jersey legislators want to ban eating while driving. Good luck getting Governor Chris Christie to sign that one." –Jay Leno 

"North Korea has confirmed that Kim Jong Un has fired his uncle. Unemployment benefits in North Korea include two weeks' severance and not being shot." –Conan O'Brien

"Last week a man was locked in an airplane for several hours after he fell asleep during a flight and nobody woke up him up when it landed. But other than that, Joe Biden had a great trip to Asia." –Jimmy Fallon

We had to, they were completely out of crack

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving. According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members. In his defense, Ford said, 'We had to, they were completely out of crack.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships of the person using it. I'll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them? Turns out they were right." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Friday, December 6, 2013

I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack

"This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America's nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice." –Conan O'Brien

"Today gang members were caught on wiretaps saying they have photos of Mayor Rob Ford doing heroin, which is weird because I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There is information that Mayor Ford tried to buy the infamous video of him smoking crack. And the gang members wanted $500,000 and a car. Sounds like Ford would make a good game-show host." –Jimmy Kimmel

Stay because we won't let you leave

"A list of the most corrupt countries in the world was put together by a group called Transparency International. There's no real surprises. For coming in at No. 1, Kim Jong Un will receive economic sanctions from the U.N. and dinner for two at a great restaurant." –Craig Ferguson

"North Korea should make this their new tourist slogan: 'North Korea: Come for the corruption. Stay because we won't let you leave.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Obamacare is still struggling to get off the ground. Experts now say the success or failure of Obamacare will depend on whether young people sign up. Which is why as of today it covers medical marijuana." –Conan O'Brien

Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free

"Pope Francis revealed that he used to work as a nightclub bouncer. In the same interview he announced that on Tuesday night ladies get into heaven for free." ––Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week." –Jimmy Kimmel

Part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane

"In Nevada, where prostitution is legal – true story – prostitutes are signing up for Obamacare. Which explains why the most popular pick-up line in Nevada is, 'Let me help you with your co-pay.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week, fast-food workers in 100 American cities are going on strike, a true story. The workers behind the counter want higher wages and better conditions. The drive-thru workers? No one can understand what they want. What? What did you say?" –Conan O'Brien

"Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane." –Jimmy Kimmel

Christie's under the impression it's about competitive eating

"The traditional Thanksgiving began in what year? 1621. And soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy." –Jay Leno

"I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie 'Hunger Games.' He's apparently under the impression it's about competitive eating." –David Letterman

"A new study found that parents who only have daughters are more likely to be Republican, which I guess explains why my Dad registered as Republican when he saw me throw a football." –Jimmy Fallon

For to be free...

"They got three feet of fresh powder back East. And that was just in freshman Florida Congressman Trey Radel's office. Radel says he's going into rehab and when he gets out, he wants to be named ambassador to Colombia." –Jay Leno

"In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day – thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything." –Jay Leno

"You can tell Thanksgiving is getting closer. In fact, today, five turkeys from the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum." –Jay Leno

Sunday, November 24, 2013

The most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto

"Here we go again. Freshman Congressman Trey Radel of Florida has been arrested for possession of cocaine in Washington, D.C. He admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto." –Jay Leno

"Toronto's city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford's powers. They say this reduces him to a 'mere figurehead' – which still sounds better than 'crackhead.'" –Jay Leno 

"To make matters worse for Mayor Ford, his reality show was canceled after one airing. They are calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto." –Jay Leno

Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline

"Today they took Rob Ford's office budget and his staff away. He has been removed from his position on committees and lost his power to fill vacancies. The only power he has left is to represent the city at official functions. That's actually the one I would be worried about." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thanksgiving is right around the corner. As you know, the traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left." –Jay Leno 

"There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline." –David Letterman

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

How can I get Canadian TV?

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted he smoked crack while he was in office, but he's refusing to step down. Despite all this, he's announced that he'll be hosting a TV show with his brother in Canada. It raises a lot of questions, starting with, 'How can I get Canadian TV?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Rob Ford says he doesn't really know if he'll be a good TV host, but he's willing to take a crack at it." –Jimmy Fallon

Stop attacking my integrity!

Toronto City Council yesterday stripped him of his powers – whatever they are besides staying fat while smoking crack – because they found out that he was at a party recently where he did cocaine, vodka, OxyContin and apparently was cavorting with a prostitute. Rob Ford, always defiant said 'Stop attacking my integrity! Anybody who knows me will tell you I am too s***faced to get it up.'" –Bill Maher

"It's another bad week for Rob Ford, the troubled mayor of Toronto. This week he said there may be more skeletons in his closet. More skeletons? I hope they're just old chicken wings he threw in there." –Craig Ferguson

You're doing a heck of a job

"Obamacare was trying to protect these people who are being ripped off by insurance companies. But, yesterday, Obama said, 'Okay, you know what? You want your sh*tty, crummy plans? You can have them!' You want your policy where you go in for an operation and you're covered for when they cut you open, but not when they sew you up? Fine, children, have your broken piece of glass that you want to play with!'" –Bill Maher

"The New York Times is calling this Obama's Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, brownie.'" –Bill Maher


The idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane

"According to a new poll, 52 percent of Americans describe President Obama as 'not honest.' That makes him by far the most honest politician in American history." –Jay Leno

"For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot of like sex. You do it online, it's incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann claims that she has lost her healthcare plan. She said, 'I have a husband with very significant health issues.' She said, 'At some point we're going to have to figure it out.' Girlfriend, there's a lot about your husband you're going to have to figure out. Healthcare is the last of your worries." –Bill Maher

The most viewed profile on Christian Mingle

"A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment." –Jimmy Fallon

"According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle." –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has provided me with so much entertainment this week that I feel like I should pay him a subscription fee. He's like your drunk uncle who is fun but you're just getting old enough to realize why your parents never let him take you anywhere by himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

Now there's a health plan we can all get behind

"A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. That's great if you're dating the governor of New Jersey." –David Letterman

"On Monday, President Obama paid tribute to America's oldest living veteran, 107-year-old Richard Overton. Overton credits his longevity to drinking whiskey and smoking 12 cigars every day. Now there's a health plan we can all get behind." –Jay Leno

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Senate's immigration bill is so long that nobody has even read it. It's always good to hear the Senate is taking the same approach on legislation that I take with the iTunes user agreement." –Jimmy Fallon

If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us

"The U.S. intelligence community is hoping to update their facial recognition technology. It's the government's way of trying to keep up with Bruce Jenner." –Conan O'Brien

"It seems that during his re-election campaign this year, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie paid $46,000 to get advice from former strategists for Mitt Romney. The advice he got: 'If you ever want to be president, don't listen to us.'" –Jay Leno

"Today a reporter asked Chris Christie, 'What do you think of 2016?' And Christie said, 'I think it's a good weight to get down to.'" –Jay Leno

Too ignorant for Alabama?

"In Alabama, the Tea Party candidate named Dean Young, who wanted to impeach Obama and compared gay people to animals, he lost to a potty-trained Republican. Boy, that is something for your resume – Dean Young: too ignorant for Alabama." –Bill Maher

"In a new interview today, Sarah Palin refused to endorse Chris Christie. Afterward, Christie told Palin, 'Thanks, I owe you one.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It is Veterans Day. A 107-year-old veteran met with President Obama this morning. It was good to see the president finally getting along so well with John McCain." –Conan O'Brien

That's all I need to know about marriage

"Is it possible that America may be coming to its senses a little? That may be the message from these elections we had on Tuesday because Chris Christie, the big winner, is from the not-nuthouse wing of the party – you know, he's an indoor Republican. And the two bats**t Tea Party people lost pretty bad. In Virginia, their candidate for governor, Ken Cuccinelli went down, which is ironic because he was trying to make oral sex illegal. I'm not making that up. He wanted to make abortion impossible, ban gay marriage, and reinstate the sodomy laws against oral and anal sex. Why? Because it's a Republicans' job to get government out of our lives." –Bill Maher

"Outlaw sodomy? Does this guy realize that for most people under 30, sodomy is the main form of birth control. What a platform. He wanted to outlaw blow jobs, and he lost single women in the state by 43 points. But listen to this, he won married women by 9. That's all I need to know about marriage." –Bill Maher