armed with rifles, hand guns and plenty of beads (our most breathtaking screensavers)

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest protected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands National Monument. The preserve is larger than all of America's national parks combined. It contains sea life that has inspired some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

"Dick Cheney spoke at the National Press Club yesterday. Cheney pointed out that because of tough anti-terror policies, the last five years have been virtually free of terrorist incidents on our soil. In fact, during that time Cheney, himself, has shot more Americans in this country than any terrorists." --Jay Leno

"Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco has ordered National Guard troops to assist police in patrolling New Orleans. National Guard troops down there will be armed with rifles, hand guns and plenty of beads." --Jay Leno