Friday, January 27, 2012

When Washington gets its prostate checked, it tickles you!

"You're not a Washington insider? You, the former Speaker of the House and Freddie Mac consulting millionaire, are the Washington insider. When Washington gets its prostate checked, it tickles you!" –Jon Stewart, on Newt Gingrich campaigning as a Washington outsider

“Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest.” –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren't running for president. They're running to be Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"People who saw Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem at the Patriots game yesterday said, 'Nancy Regan really looks good for her age." But Steven Tyler got some of the lyrics wrong, so now everyone thinks the song goes, 'Flag looks like a lady.'" –Conan O'Brien

I'll be there in five teachers

"President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, 'The state of our union is open.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, 'I'll be there in five teachers.'" –Conan O'Brien

"What's interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million." –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse painting

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves (moves on to something better)

"Mitt Romney is going to release 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney lost in South Carolina. He's getting desperate. With the Florida primaries coming up, today Mitt Romney's campaign staff said the gloves are off. Or to use Romney's exact words, "Jeeves, be a good chap and remove my opera gloves.'" –Conan O'Brien

"After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt's campaign looked terminally ill – which is generally when he moves on to something better." –Stephen Colbert
 #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Do you have any Grey Poupon? (real streets of America)

"Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the 'hippo' in 'Hypocrite.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I'll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney's endorsements." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon." –Jimmy Kimmel #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

He's coming home and he's not in a good mood

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney won't release his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off two of his marriages as a total loss." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday - which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He's coming home and he's not in a good mood." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, saying Newt isn't perfect, but who is? To which Donald Trump said, 'I am!'" –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

Can Newt Gingrich run?

"I thought the race was over; I thought Mitt Romney had closed it. You know for a guy that is supposed to be a great businessman, he sure can’t close the deal. And now it looks like Mitt vs. Newt; Alien vs. Predator." –Bill Maher 

"New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee." -Bill Maher

"New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that's been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?" –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

Three women at once? Who's the Mormon in this race?

"Newt was mad. He said 'I am not a philanderer; I am a blow job creator.'" –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich said this is despicable to ask these questions. Why are we dwelling on the past? We should be concentrating on the future and putting America's children back to work." –Bill Maher

"Meanwhile, at the debate, Mitt Romney's got a look on his face like, 'Three women at once? Who's the Mormon in this race?'" –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

The fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?

"Rick Perry dropped out. He said while it’s sad he won’t be president, he can always run again next year." –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich's ex-wife went on nightline and said that he wanted to have an open marriage. This is the second wife, talking about him when he was fooling around with what became the third wife. Newt wanted apparently to have his wife and his marriage and also women on the side giving him oral sex. This way he could be nice and relaxed when he went to work and accused blacks of feeling entitled." –Bill Maher

"I have not seen anything this surreal since they cancelled 'Twin Peaks.' What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?" –Bill Maher, on Romney and Gingrich in the CNN debate

John Hulse painting

Monday, January 23, 2012

Usually when he's arguing with three people at once...

"Rick Perry has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, America did not want a conservative, gun happy, intellectually challenged governor of Texas for president. At least not again." –Jay Leno

"At the debate the other night, Mitt Romney said he is not an avid hunter, but he is happy to go along if someone invites him to go hunting. To which Newt Gingrich said, "Hey, maybe you can tag along with Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno

"Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once, it's his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas

"Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time." –Conan O'Brien

"Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. Yeah, he just couldn’t get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking." –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse painting

Friday, January 20, 2012

84% of Americans disapprove of Congress' job

"A new poll says 84% of Americans disapprove of Congress' job. The other 16% weren't aware Congress was doing one." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags

"At the last Republican debate, Mitt Romney talked about his love of hunting. In fact, Romney said on his last hunting trip, he shot three dear and fired two elk." –Conan O'Brien 

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The South Carolina GOP primary campaign is in full swing. Candidates are shaking hands, kissing babies and strategically ignoring Confederate flags." –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

Mitt Romney is talking up his Mexican heritage

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage.. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"Sen. John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Is Mitt Romney a serial killer?

"During a campaign event on Saturday, Mitt Romney reached into his pocket and gave cash to a woman who said she was broke. Which got awkward, when she was like, 'I'm also lonely!'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Is Mitt Romney a serial killer? I don't know, but that question's out there now." –Stephen Colbert, on his Super PAC attack ad accusing Romney of being a serial killer

John Hulse painting

Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings

"Newt got an important endorsement this week – Todd Palin. I'm not kidding. Sarah Palin's formerly mute husband, Todd, endorsed Newt Gingrich. We don't know why, but today Todd received a beautiful pair of Tiffany earrings." –Bill Maher

"Rick Santorum told an audience in South Carolina Mitt Romney was just a 'paler shade of what we have in the White House now.' And the guy in the back of the room stood up and said, 'I thought that was the whole point." –Bill Maher

"I'm sensing Mitt Romney isn't that popular with Republicans. On the New Hampshire ballot he was listed as 'Mitt Romney, I guess.'" –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

John Hulse painting

Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like...

"When Mitt Romney heard a story about people getting pissed on, he launched into his defense of venture capitalism." –Bill Maher regarding the video of American soldiers urinating on Afghan bodies

"When Mitt Romney says ‘the buck stops here,’ he means literally, 'I have your money. Fuck you.'" –Bill Maher

"Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Bill Maher 

John Hulse painting

It’s like being a brainless action star all your life

"In North Korea, they announced they’re going to embalm Kim Jong Il’s body and put it on display just like Russia did with Lenin and America did with Larry King." –Craig Ferguson

"The article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. People sit in chairs all day at work, then they twist into pretzels and expect it to be easy. It’s like being a brainless action star all your life, then going out and trying to govern the state of California." –Craig Ferguson

John Hulse painting

Who increased the debt?

"Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support in elections. Romney says, I'll never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry’s presidential campaign is in trouble. So, they're now selling his merchandise two for one. You get a foam finger, a key chain & I forget the third thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress." –Jay Leno

Monday, January 16, 2012

The words of a good man...

A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on an installment plan.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.

I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars... Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven

"This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled 'The Best President.' Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen." –Jimmy Kimmel

"With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn't work out." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

He received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup

"Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Romney's win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup." –Craig Ferguson 

"Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable." –Craig Ferguson

John Hulse painting

At least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno 

"Jon Huntsman finished third and he said he's happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it's got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. Your plane is crashing and you're saying, 'We're happy to be landing ahead of schedule.'" –Jay Leno 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class

"You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah." –Jay Leno

"While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was 'ready to rock and roll.' Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to 'easy listen.'" –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse photography

It's time to Mitt or get off the pot

"In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I came up with a great slogan for Romney. "It's time to Mitt or get off the pot." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse photography

What he actually said was...

"Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement." –Conan O'Brien

"When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'" –David Letterman

John Hulse photography

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt

"During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there." –Craig Ferguson 

"Mitt Romney said that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt." –David Letterman

"Turns out Mitt Romney is Mexican, did you know that? His entire family is from Mexico. Not only that, he was the Lone Ranger." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

There is still plenty of time not to vote for him

Rick Perry decided he would stay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.” –David Letterman

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel


“The remaining Republican candidates are in New Hampshire this weekend, where they will have two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs.” –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse photography

Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him

"Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, 'When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me." –Conan O'Brien 

"I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate." –Jimmy Fallon

Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –David Letterman 

John Hulse photography

There is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno 

"Tonight is the new season of 'Jersey Shore.' It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries." –Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve." –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse photography

The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity.

"Mitt Romney says President Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney's positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding." –Jay Leno

"Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, 'Which way is that?'" –Jay Leno 

"A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse photography

Thursday, January 5, 2012

If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote!

"Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain." –Jay Leno 

"Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes. He'd have won if he'd just gotten the gay vote." –Jay Leno

"According to new poll done by '60 minutes,' 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That's true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney?

"How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney." –David Letterman 

"Michele Bachmann is out, but I don't think her husband is." –David Letterman 

"So now that Michele Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with the best hairdo." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

From the man who brought you Sarah Palin!

"John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Now, it didn’t help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, ‘From the man who brought you Sarah Palin.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15." –Conan O'Brien 

"In her concession speech, Michele Bachmann said, 'I mean what I say.' Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye." –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

Old white guy Mardi Gras

"Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant." –Conan O'Brien 

"Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it's also known, 'old white guy Mardi Gras.'" –Conan O'Brien

John Hulse painting