Turns out one of them was Mexico (Doesn't that sound like some male enhancement product?)

 

"North Korea is getting ready to test a missile they say can reach the United States. According to military intelligence, the name of this missile is Taepo-Dong 2. Doesn't that sound like some male enhancement product?" --Jay Leno

"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there were two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just hope to God President Bush doesn't find out (please spy on each other)

"During the government shutdown even the NSA is out of business.

And while they're closed, while the government is shut down, they

are asking citizens to please spy on each other." –David Letterman

"North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il." –David Letterman

"Don't kid yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, things are bad. We've got an unpopular war, we have high energy prices, and a slumping economy. I just hope to God President Bush doesn't find out." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess it does sound better than Oopsies (lost the will)

Here's another big story: After this week's summit fell apart, North Korea says Kim Jong-un may have lost the will for future negotiations. Meanwhile, when they heard the phrase "lost the will," all of Trump's kids passed out. --Jimmy Fallon

"Karl Rove's new memoir, 'Courage and Consequence,' is coming out next week. Not sure if 'Courage and Consequence' is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than 'Oopsies.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, you take a bite first (the first debate will be held at 2:00 am inside a Taco Bell)

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un invited South Korean officials to dinner. It was described as two hours of "You take a bite." "No, you take a bite first." --Jimmy Fallon

Well, you guys, the 2020 presidential campaign is already starting to heat up and I read that, so far, five Democratic candidates have come out in favor of legalizing weed. Which is why the first debate will be held at 2:00 am inside a Taco Bell. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m chips; he’s guacamole (an old hookup from seven years ago)

President Trump said Wednesday that he expected to meet North Korean leader Kim Jong-un later this year. Man, you know you’re depressed when you’re texting an old hookup from seven years ago. —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump and Kim can meet in November. It all really depends on how their couples Halloween costume goes, so. [imitating Trump] ‘I’m chips; he’s guacamole.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million (They said it couldn’t be done but we did it)

“I’m not going to lie — I still can’t believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. Now, like, I’m also not going to be the president, but I spent nothing. No, so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million, yeah?” —Trevor Noah

“[As Michael Bloomberg] That’s right. We spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat [expletive]. They said it couldn’t be done but we did it.” —Trevor Noah

I’m surprised the summit talks broke down in Vietnam. I thought Kim Jong UN and Trump had a good relationship. Even Trump said that he and Kim “Fell in Love.” I know that sounds weird but when you think about it, Kim Jong Un is totally Donald Trump's type. All of Trump’s best relationships are with people who are half his age and don’t speak English. --Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he's going to run for president of North Korea (I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night)

During the speech, Donald Trump threatened to "totally destroy North Korea," which can only mean one thing — he's going to run for president of North Korea. –James Corden

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is the biggest threat to our freedom? (five-star Yelp reviews that are 47 paragraphs long)

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long. –Seth Meyers

A Virginia man recently found an outline of what looks like Donald Trump in one of his bathroom tiles. Of course, at one point or another we've all found something in our bathroom that looks like Donald Trump. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I know, it's crazy, right? (and I assume possession of weed)

Kim Jong Un might cancel his meeting with Donald Trump, where they were supposed to discuss North Korea's nuclear weapons. Trump was like, "How could someone just pull out of a nuclear agreement?" And Iran was like, "I know, it's crazy, right?" --Jimmy Fallon

Two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is the biggest threat to our freedom? (Cry Closets)

Police in Oregon recently responded to a potential burglary in progress after a woman reported seeing shadows of someone in her house. Police arrived only to find the suspect was actually a Roomba that was trapped in her bathroom. Now listen, when you legalize weed in your state you’re going to get a few Roomba-burglar incidents, you know? It is quite an endorsement for Roomba. It’s so quiet you don’t notice it until you think it’s robbing your house. --James Corden

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You mean Kung Fu Panda? (and I have to say, it smells it)

According to journalist Bob Woodward's new book, Sen. Lindsey Graham once urged President Trump to encourage the Chinese government to assassinate North Korean leader Kim Jong Un and replace him with someone they control. Said Trump, "You mean Kung Fu Panda?" --Seth Meyers

New York City turned 352 years old yesterday, and I have to say, it smells it. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And you thought the weird part was drugs? (20% for tips)

This week President Trump met with North Korean dictator, and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends, Kim Jong Un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was Kim Jong Un used an interpreter while Trump just spoke English, but louder. --Colin Jost, SNL

And in non-Oscar news, Madison Cawthorn said in a recent interview that 70 year-old republicans invited him to an orgy and did cocaine in front of him. Wait. So you went to the old man orgy? And you thought the weird part was drugs? —Colin Jost

A new study suggests the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%. But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tips. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The dolphins around Japan just cannot catch a break (Finally, a candidate who speaks to the heartland)

North Korea may soon have the technology to nuke countries other than their own because last month they tested a submarine-based missile called the "No Dong." The missile flew 300 miles before falling into the Sea of Japan. Man! The dolphins around Japan just cannot catch a break. –Stephen Colbert

“In addition to potentially attracting women and minority voters, Kamala Harris clicks with some big-money donors, too. Apparently, Wall Street is happy, Silicon Valley is happy, and Hollywood is fired up. Finally, a candidate who speaks to the heartland.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Obama is soft on poultry (Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester)

"Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie." –David Letterman

"On Friday, President Obama pardoned the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He claimed that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman

"You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They really started to get worried when he didn't show up at the Clooney wedding (apple boarding)

"New York City is overrun with rats. We have so many rats that today Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat neutered." –David Letterman

"Nobody had seen North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for a week, then a month, and now six weeks have gone by and nobody's seen him. They really started to get worried when he didn't show up at the Clooney wedding." – David Letterman

"Do people still bob for apples? Anybody bob for apples for God's sakes? Bobbing for apples or as Dick Cheney calls it, apple boarding." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is good news for every single show except Dog the Bounty Hunter (nut allergies)

"Yesterday, North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

We're here in San Diego for Comic-Con. Comic-Con is the only place where you can meet a Superman whose kryptonite is his nut allergy. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists are predicting that in a few years we'll be able to smell the TV shows we watch. This is good news for every single show except "Dog the Bounty Hunter." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language (Man, even I’m not that insecure)

It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump held a Cabinet meeting today in which each Cabinet member took turns praising the president. After hearing this, Kim Jong Un said, “Man, even I’m not that insecure.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mother of Dragons (Can we talk about this over a drink?)

Yesterday, a female judge ruled that Bill Cosby must stand trial. Cosby said to the judge, "Can we talk about this over a drink?" –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, "Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive." –Conan O’Brien

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been given a new title, "Chairman of the Workers' Party." This narrowly beat out his second choice, "Mother of Dragons." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, and he was also deflating footballs (I'm my own man, plus another guy)

"I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls asleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the aircraft carrier the U.S.S. Metaphor (Four out of five citizens love democracy!)

A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff.” –Conan O’Brien

"Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history." –Conan O'Brien

Several days ago, President Trump said an American aircraft carrier was heading towards North Korea, but it turns out it was sailing in the opposite direction. It’s the aircraft carrier the U.S.S. Metaphor. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”