The Joy of Whitewashing (they must also be comfortable with confined spaces)

Over the weekend Bill Clinton posted an ad seeking an intern for “special projects”. Applicants for the position must be familiar in at least three positions, plus they must also be comfortable with confined spaces. —Greg Gutfeld 

Hillary Clinton also posted an ad for an intern as well saying applicants must also be proficient in strangling. —Greg Gutfeld 

Many women are grudgingly consenting to ‘mercy sex’ despite having no erotic feelings toward their husbands. This according to a survey of MSNow hosts. —Greg Gutfeld   

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Note to self, spend summer vacation at the Bowman Gray School of Medicine (It's toasted)

In North Carolina the Bowman Gray School of Medicine is looking for 20 habitual marijuana smokers who they'll provide with free pot in order to study the effects of the drug. Note to self, spend summer vacation at the Bowman Gray School of Medicine. --Norm Macdonald

This week President Clinton played golf with ex-presidents Gerald Ford and George Bush. Bush hit an old lady in the face with a golf ball giving her a broken nose and 10 stitches. But don't be impressed. It took him five strokes to do it. --Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity (powerful weapons)

"Here's a bizarre story. I'll try to put this as delicately as possible. A woman in El Salvador was arrested for smuggling into prison a hand grenade inside her vagina. Although I guess technically at that point it's no longer a hand grenade. In a related story, earlier today former President Bill Clinton announced he's going to El Salvador to look for weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll take gold over what was all over the walls when Bill was president (Hillary Clinton’s book tour)

Hillary Clinton says the gold decorations all over the walls in the Trump White House remind her of Saddam Hussein's palaces in Baghdad. Well, say what you want, Hillary, but I'll take gold over what was all over the walls when Bill was president. —Greg Gutfeld 

Finally, murders continue to be on a historic decline despite there being spikes in eight cities, which for some reason all seem to align with Hillary Clinton’s book tour. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's the last time I hire anybody from Visiting Angels (Just food?)

Kamala Harris was asked to list the most effective presidents in American history, and she left out Joe Biden. After hearing this, Joe responded, “That's the last time I hire anybody from Visiting Angels.” —Greg Gutfeld 

The food stained dress Anne Hathaway wore in The Devil Wears Prada 2 is headed for auction. “Just food,” asked Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about the cheerleaders? (23%)

New York City will pay hotels almost $2 billion to house the homeless, which means tourists are now eligible for free rooms as long as they poop in the streets. —Greg Gutfeld 

Finally, Jerry Jones says he's open to sell the Dallas Cowboys. What about the cheerleaders, asked Bill Clinton? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time (he's more like Bill)

James Carville made a video letting everyone know he's recovering from surgery. Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, a portrait of President Trump made of horse poop has sold for $1,800 in Canada. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden's poop made into a horse sold for $18,000. —Greg Gutfeld  

CNN compared Abdul El-Sayed to Hillary Clinton. In reality, he's more like Bill since they both dream about being with 72 virgins. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races (That wasn't me)

Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, “That wasn't me.” –James Corden

At the Tour de France today the police were trying to control protestors at the race by spraying tear gas, but they held up the race because they accidentally sprayed the cyclists. See? Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He once experienced the same thing in the Oval Office (Know Your Enemy)

"President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq today. It lasted five hours. Five hours? That's longer than he stayed at any National Guard meetings." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said al-Zarqawi was 'mean, vicious, and hateful.' So you know what that means? Ann Coulter could be next." --Jay Leno

 

"Dick Cheney is currently vacationing in Wyoming this week. I understand today he shot an elk. He also shot two Shriners, a Jaycee and a Moose." --Jay Leno

"Chris Wallace was really taken aback. He was stunned. He talked about it afterwards. He said at one point, when Bill Clinton lunged at him, he felt like a mountain was coming down in front of him. Ironically, Clinton once experienced the same thing in the Oval Office." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Take it from me, his third wife (Boner Town)

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy confirmed that President Trump wants to rename Penn Station to Trump Station. Not to be outdone Bill Clinton wants to rename Arkansas, Boner Town. —Greg Gutfeld  

The State Department issued a world wide caution alert for Americans. Not because of the Iran War, but because of the lettuce at Taco Bell. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s because they just got linked to Jeffrey Epstein (Trump’s approval rating)

Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern. –Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, I got a little choked up watching Richard Branson’s flight. It always warms my heart to see billionaires achieve their dreams. I was happy for him, though. Normally when a billionaire flies away faster than the speed of sound, it’s because they just got linked to Jeffrey Epstein.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment (The cost to end world hunger)

"I'm sure you have heard by now, Bill Clinton is looking for 25 interns to work at his library. I was thinking about that, could you fit 25 interns of them in his library? Clinton says that anyone he hires must be good on the computer, good on the coffee table, good on top of the copy machine." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said 'cool.' It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme." –Jay Leno

 

"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, there goes my Christmas card idea (people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib)

"President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden's dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea." –Jimmy Fallon

Most Americans said they still like Facebook, but they don't trust it. So basically, people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib. --Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste (every night is ladies night)

According to MSNBC Britney Spears recently hired a person to keep an eye on Kevin Federline 24 hours a day. Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste. --Conan O’Brien 5/4/2006

Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and it costs $7 to get in. On the bright side every night is ladies night. --Conan O’Brien 11/9/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on (Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity?)

Later this month, Google will be testing its new self-driving minivans. The vehicles can do all the functions of a human driver, except wonder, "Christ, how did I end up driving a minivan?" –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney tweeted that it was “an honor” to be considered for secretary of state. Romney then tweeted, “Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity?” –Conan O’Brien

President Clinton is expected to be released from the hospital and he'll be allowed to go home. Clinton was excited about it and said I never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on. --Conan O’Brien 9/10/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wrote a poem for you (Mike Metaphor)

Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, "Except for my husband." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump gave a speech at an industrial plant while standing in front of a giant wall of trash. Before the speech, Trump welcomed his new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The largest, loudest display of fireworks in DC history (Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party)

The largest, loudest display of fireworks in DC history is set to go off on July 4th, beating the time Bill told Hillary, "I didn't know she was 17.” —Greg Gutfeld 

A Catholic priest says he saw a woman hurl a man 15 feet in the air like a rag doll during an exorcism. He was later told he accidentally walked in on the Obama's honeymoon. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey man, that’s the key to every party (Basic needs of Americans)

An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey man, that’s the key to every party." –Conan O’Brien

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never Give Up (that wasn’t the country he was mad at)

President Trump is now depressed given his falling approval rating and the war in Iran, he assembled team circle jerk for an emergency tongue bath. The president pulled members of his cabinet for a meeting in which they told him how great he is, even if you don’t like Bill Clinton, at least when his staff blew him, he didn’t make us watch. —Jimmy Kimmel

One of the attenders was former Fox News host and defense secretary Pete Hegseth, who is a bigger screwup than Eric, after he had to cancel the deployment of troops in Poland when he received an angry phone call from Trump saying that wasn’t “the country he was mad at”. Instead it was Germany. The Poles were angry and confused and joked “what a time to be alive” with Hegseth and Kash Patel, the FBI director, literally making drunk history every day. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about us? said the Detroit Pistons (under the table)

A powerful 5.0 magnitude earthquake struck the city of Tupan, China. Even though the epicenter was 7,000 miles away, Bill Clinton still told the Hooters's waitress to get under the table. —Greg Gutfeld

In an interview, Madonna said that John Kennedy Jr. was the best sex of her life. "What about us?" said the Detroit Pistons. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”