Thursday, October 24, 2013


"The popularity of Congress is at an all-time low, according to a recent poll that says Americans like head lice more than they like Congress. But you know, I think the real story here is that some Americans like head lice." –Conan O'Brien 

"A new study reveals that the average fast-food chicken nugget is almost 60 percent fat. The study also says that the average fast-food customer is almost 60 percent chicken nuggets" –Conan O'Brien

Jon Stewart on Senator John McCain calling some of his Republican colleagues "wacko birds": "You don't get to complain!! McCain, you don't get to complain. At all. Because if I remember correctly, no matter how cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs you think your wacko bird colleagues are, they don't come anywhere close to your hatchling. [On screen: clip of of McCain introducing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008]. You opened Pandora's Box! You were the guy who gave the Mogwai a post-midnight all-you-can-eat buffet! You don't get to complain that now the party's overrun with gremlins!"

or as Chinese parents call it...

“People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don't know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.” –David Letterman

"As of today, same-sex marriages are now legal in New Jersey. And today New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would no longer oppose gay marriage. He said, 'How can I oppose anything that brings more cake into New Jersey?'" –Conan O'Brien

"The shutdown cost the economy $24 billion, and caused China to lower our credit rating to A- – or as Chinese parents call it, an F." –Stephen Colbert

Cruz is filibustering a squirrel (that's not really an achievement)

"After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Some of these guys in Congress are acting like this is a big achievement. If you pick up a gun and don't shoot yourself in the leg with it, that's not really an achievement." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.” –Conan O’Brien

What's Ann Coulter done now?

"It's day 15 of the government shutdown. President Obama said he was hopeful an agreement would be reached tonight. Part of the problem is that Republicans can't even agree among themselves on what they want. Which means Obama doesn't know what to tell them they can't have." –Jimmy Kimmel

"When I first heard the White House was under attack by freaky rodents, I thought, 'What's Ann Coulter done now?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Today John McCain said the shutdown was, quote, one of the most shameful things he's seen as a senator. That's from a guy who saw Lincoln get shot." –Conan O'Brien

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Gotta go with the Taliban on this one

"New Rule: Bill O'Reilly has to tell us why he's always thinking about murder. Yes, since Obama was elected Bill O'Reilly has written three books about killing major historical figures. And Bill, I agree - how tragic that Kennedy, Lincoln and Jesus, these heroic, liberal, social reformers, had to die after being vilified by panicky, backwards-looking conservative blowhards. You surely did a great service pointing this out, and I look forward to your new children's book… Killing the Cat in the Hat." –Bill Maher

"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

The two things he loves the most

"Ted Cruz was speaking to the Value Voters Convention. Oh, it's a great convention they have. It was him, Michele Bachmann, Glenn Beck, and Rick Santorum. The entrance was pretty spectacular; they all arrived in a short bus." –Bill Maher

"There were some people heckling Ted Cruz, and he accused them of being paid political operatives helping President Obama. Ted, don't you get it, you're the paid political operative helping President Obama." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If you get salmonella because of the government shutdown and die, then John Boehner has to come to your funeral. How can he resist? Funerals have the two things he loves the most: crying and an open bar." – Bill Maher

They are the ultimate beer goggles

"People are actually getting very pissed off at this government shutdown. But Republicans say, 'Remember one thing. We are standing up for an important principle, and as soon as we figure out what it is, you will be the first to know.'" –Bill Maher

"This NBC News poll has Republicans freaking out. They're having what they call now a 'boomerang effect.' Whatever Republicans were going against, Big Government and Obamacare, now is more popular than ever. I love the Tea Party, they are the ultimate beer goggles, they make everyone look better." –Bill Maher

"Half the Republicans hate Ted Cruz real bad. In fact, Peter King said, 'No one has done more to strengthen Obamacare than Ted Cruz. But 
the other half of the Republicans, the truly crazy ones, they loves themselves some Ted Cruz. He is the Tea Party's dream candidate; he is a Sarah Palin that doesn't lactate." –Bill Maher

The moron trifecta

"Republicans' Thanksgiving is a little different; before eating they go around the table and everybody says what they're hateful for." –Bill Maher

"There are these people they're calling 'debt ceiling deniers' – Republicans who have decided that, unlike every economist on the entire planet, maybe defaulting on our debt would be a good thing. First they didn't believe in evolution, then they didn't believe in global warming, and now the debt ceiling; what I like to call the 'moron trifecta.'" –Bill Maher

"Here's the idea: Step 1, stop paying our bills. Step 2, everything's fine. The last guy who tried this was Wesley Snipes." –Bill Maher 

The president was still black

"Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, 'If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.' You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas." –Jay Leno

"It's gotten too bad that after years of sliding poll numbers, now the approval ratings of Congress has hit a record low of just 5 percent. There are a lot of pressing questions, namely, who's in the five percent that still approves of Congress?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday John Boehner led a group of 20 Republicans to see President Obama. Unfortunately when they got to the White House, the president was still black." –Bill Maher

So, everyone is suffering...

"National parks are shut down. NASA is shut down. There is one government building still open. That is the congressional gym – the exclusive gym where congressmen work out. But the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no longer available due to the shutdown. So, everyone is suffering." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As far as negotiating with the president, John Boehner said, 'I don't want to put anything on the table and I don't want to take anything off the table.' Of course not — like most congressmen they like to do business UNDER the table." –Jay Leno 

"Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it's time for his party to have a 'Braveheart' moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: 'Ransom.'" –Jay Leno 

Paper cuts to America?

"What the difference between the government and Motel 6? Motel 6 can afford to keep the lights on." –Jay Leno 

"Yesterday, Iran's President Hassan Rouhani said he wants the Iranian people to stop chanting 'Death to America' because he thinks it's too harsh of a statement. Then the Iranian people were like, 'Paper cuts to America?" Jimmy Fallon

"Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?" –Jimmy Kimmel 

Math, reading and problem-solving skills

"At Starbucks you can now pick up something called a duffin. A duffin is a combination of a doughnut and a muffin. I have an idea for Starbucks: cheap coffee – 'Choffee.' Governor Chris Christie said: 'Big deal, call me when Starbucks is combining cake and pie.'" –David Letterman

"They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA's next mission to Mars. Isn't that ironic? We can go to Mars but we can't go to the Statue of Liberty." –Jay Leno

"Americans adults scored below the national average on math, reading and problem-solving skills. Do we need a test to know that we're not good at problem-solving. Can't we look at these morons in Washington and the shutdown and figure that out?" –Jay Leno 

Mad English King

"Despite the shutdown, the congressional gym in Washington, D.C., remains open. The congressional gym is like any other gym except the customers are the dumbbells." –Craig Ferguson 


"Syrian dictator Assad says he may run for re-election next year. In fact, today he went over the results of next year's election and he said it looks pretty good." –Jay Leno 

"It's day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?" –David Letterman 

Legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain

Stephen Colbert on Republican claims that they are willing to compromise: "Every one of those offers is a compromise from the Republicans’ original offer: having Mitt Romney be president. But – surprise, surprise – Obama wouldn’t negotiate on that, either."

"In Philadelphia, a historic tavern – a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain." –Jay Leno

"According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don't want to do – like running the government." –Jay Leno 

Well played, Canada

"Winner: Canada. Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada." -Seth Meyers

"Nine percent of Americans would give up their citizenship because of all the fighting in D.C. You know things are bad when people getting caught at the Mexican border are being sent back to America." –Jimmy Fallon 

Stephen Colbert explains the GOP strategy: "The rules are I go first, and I refuse to take my turn. And you can't take yours until I'm done. I know you're upset, but we're both at fault here, so let's negotiate. I agree to take my turn if you agree that I win."

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Congrats on soiling yourself into power

"Loser: John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It's exhausting watching you try maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers." -Seth Meyers

"Winner: the Tea Party. It's always nice to see a vocal minority get their way. You're like the naked lunatic that gets his own subway car. So congrats on soiling yourself into power." -Cecily Strong

"Loser: GOP. A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent." -Seth Meyers

I'm going as Congress

"Republicans were hoping John McCain would help them get their way on the spending bill — because if there's anyone who can beat Barack Obama, it's the guy who lost to Barack Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress." –Craig Ferguson

"Congress this week failed to agree on a budget deal, which led to a government shutdown, the first since 1995. So basically, the government shuts down every time Arsenio Hall gets a TV show." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update 

Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians

"At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage." –David Letterman 

"Obamacare covers a wide range of services and medical attention. For example, it will even cover a DNA test to see if you're Frank Sinatra's son." –David Letterman

"This government shutdown has been such a big mess that Republicans are looking to Senator John McCain to negotiate a deal to end it. When asked if he could bring them together, McCain said, 'Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

white people are just lazy

"The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around." –Bill Maher

"The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, 'We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don't even know that is.' Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs." –Bill Maher

"I feel bad for Obama. He's trying to be a good guy through all of this, but he's starting to think that white people are just lazy." –Bill Maher

class size reductions

"One woman was having so much trouble logging on that finally the NSA guy who was spying on her broke in and said, 'Hit Ctrl Alt Delete!'" –Bill Maher

"Shutdown, I've got it all wrong. As Fox News calls it, it's just a 'government slim down.' And they're also calling school shootings 'class size reductions.'" –Bill Maher

"A mentally unstable woman tried to ram the barricades in front of the White House yesterday. Apparently she held the delusional belief that she was communicating with Obama, and that we was involved in some sort of back-and-forth. You know, like John Boehner." –Bill Maher 

A pill they cannot swallow

"Republicans don't want to shut the government down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government." –Stephen Colbert

"Disneyworld said that it will help its employees sign up for Obamacare. So finally Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week the Tea Party shut the government down because Obamacare is still a pill they cannot swallow. They cannot face that we are heading towards European-style health coverage, but they have no problem that we have an Italian style government." –Bill Maher

Rubbing his face with Cheetos dust

"So far the ones hit hardest by the government shutdown are tourists because all the national parks are closed. Where will people go for anonymous sex? We still have the airport bathrooms, but that's only for Senators, and we can't all use that." –Craig Ferguson

"A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is down to 10 percent. That still doesn't seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"It is so bad John Boehner can't afford tanning cream anymore. He's just rubbing his face with Cheetos dust. That's how bad." –Jay Leno

Ha ha you said 69

"People are mad at Congress because of the shutdown. According to a new poll, 69 percent of Americans say that House Republicans are acting like children. I think they may have a point because when asked about it, Republicans said, 'Ha ha you said 69.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Senator Ted Cruz announced he's donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President." –Conan O'Brien

"Russian president Vladimir Putin has been named a candidate for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. His chances of winning are good because his strategy is to have the other nominees killed." –Conan O'Brien 

That could damage their 10 percent approval rating

"And because of the shutdown, even the Smithsonian Institute is closed. And as a result, tourists who come to Washington and want to see historical relics... they're now being sent to John McCain's office." –Jay Leno 

"People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating." –David Letterman

"They say it's a partial government shutdown, and I can remember something similar happened. It was like the government was shut down for eight years when George W. Bush was president." –David Letterman


"Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that's nothing. In this country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government." –Jay Leno

"This is unbelievable. The government is shut down. Even Al Qaeda couldn't do that. Do you realize that?" –Jay Leno

"Do you understand this whole government shutdown thing? I mean, I know it's about President Obama's health care plan, but the Republicans are the ones making us bend over." –Jay Leno 

The fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill

"At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That's a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that's open every day." –Craig Ferguson

"The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who'll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They'd devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems." –Craig Ferguson

The representative from Margaritaville

"There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, 'The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Even the NSA is out of business. And while they're closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other." –David Letterman

"The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don't recall giving you the day off." –Craig Ferguson

Leap of Faith Sushi

"The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi." –Conan O'Brien

"To be honest, I didn't notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"I want the names of the idiots who elected these people." –Jimmy Kimmel 


"Both sides are blaming each other. Republicans are pointing their fingers at Democrats, Democrats are pointing their fingers at Republicans. And Americans are pointing the middle finger at both of them." –Jay Leno 

"President Obama gave a speech today suggesting that this is kind of a hostage situation. But the Republicans who came up with the idea said they're not holding America hostage, and if he bothered to read their ransom note, that would be perfectly clear." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?" –Jay Leno

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Maybe he's not the problem

"Did you see the Giants game on Sunday? They lost 31-7. Do you know what the Giants didn't say after that game? 'If you don't give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday, we will shut down the f**king NFL.'" -Jon Stewart on Republicans shutting down the government over their opposition to Obamacare

"If it turns out that President Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable totalitarian mullahs in the world, but not with Republicans, maybe he's not the problem." –Jon Stewart on Republican complaints that Obama was willing to negotiate with Iran and Russia but not Republicans 

If you can't beat them..

"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

"Republicans in Congress this week attempted to defund Obamacare before it begins open enrollment October 1. Because you know the old saying, 'If you can't beat them, kick the ball into the woods.'" –Seth Meyers

He's the one guy she refuses to lick

"This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus -- he's the one guy she refuses to lick." –Bill Maher 

"Officials believe that one of the terrorists [in the mall attack in Kenya] was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It's just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen." –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of 'twerking.'" –Bill Maher 

Put your baby back on the phone

"We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it." –Bill Maher

"The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It's like saying to someone, 'Put your baby back on the phone.'" –Bill Maher

"Even if it was a real filibuster, which is wasn't, it wouldn't even be the record. Strom Thurmond holds the record, 24 hours 18 minutes, taking only one break to impregnate his maid." –Bill Maher 

a legitimate alternative to Obamacare

"Tea party Senator Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate. During his protest, Cruz actually read from the book 'Green Eggs and Ham' by Dr. Seuss. Democrats were like, 'When will this end?' But then Chris Christie said, 'When do we get those eggs and ham?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Breaking Bad" airs its final episode on Sunday. It's about a chemistry teacher who has cancer and starts making meth to help cover his medical bills and provide for his family. Or as Republicans call that, a legitimate alternative to Obamacare." –Jay Leno 

The weirdest thing done by a Cruz on television

"So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go to the book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it, and when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit after he’s tasted it, 'This is pretty f**king good.'" –Jon Stewart on Sen. Ted Cruz reading Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" on the Senate floor

"Ted Cruz read "Green Eggs and Ham" aloud. That has now replaced jumping on Oprah's couch as the weirdest thing done by a Cruz on television." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In the end after 21 hours of railing against Obamacare, Cruz ended up voting the same way as all other senators. His speech didn't accomplish anything. But it was a big event for C-Span – so big that they're planning to run it again as a special over the weekend." –Jimmy Kimmel